Living For
by secondchance123
Summary: Lucy finds herself in a zombie state of mind after her parents death. Can she pick up the pieces again and find something to live for before she goes over the edge? sorry the sum. sucks. *violence, drinking, language, romance, for a warning. complete
1. Dread

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is the only think I own so far. ;) I might add more peoples later but yea I own nothing.**

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**Living For**

_Dread_

The bell rang waking me from my light slumber on top of my desk. Many bodies are moving all around me in a rush to get to their weekends. I gently shook my head to try and wake myself from my nap and my mood. No one can blame me for being in a horrible mood when I'm at school, I've always hated it. While gathering my things everyone shuffled out of the classroom. Slinging my bag over my head to let it rest on my shoulder I waddled through the desks to the door. My history teacher talked to me as I exited the room, he almost sounded harsh but in a polite way.

"Have a nice weekend Lucy, see you Monday." Mr. Cocky ass is polite when he wants to be even though he talks out of his butt. He knows how much I hate his guts, and he doesn't like me to much either. Teachers and I have a weird relationship. I hate them because I don't want to be in school and they hate me because I don't want to be in school. But since Darry is my older brother they expect me to be like him in school, and I'm far from it. We are very alike as siblings but not when it comes to school.

As I entered the hall I shot my hand up in the air to signal him goodbye. I began my journey to the main doors with my head down. My disheveled, over grown, silver brown hair in my face with my eyes glued to the floor, I slowly walked. Greasers, socs, losers, bitches and loners surround me in the halls of the school. Most of them looking at me with glares or smirks. All of them chatting away about their weekends and gossip of the week.

I kept walking trying become invisible as I usually tried to do at school. As hard as I try to it just makes me more noticeable to some. I'm a greaser girl from the East side of town, says most of the people that know me. Personally I wouldn't exactly call myself a greaser. Most of my friends are and my family is on the "poor" side of town meaning to everyone else, I'm a greaser.

Being Sodapop's twin sister doesn't help either since he is overly hyper and noticeable. People must expect me to be the same, when I'm only half like him. I prefer it that way, if I went at the pace that Soda goes I'd die before I turned eighteen. Soda is suited for that kind of life when I'm just a chill person most of the time. Lately I've been on the edge and in a horrid mood weather I'm at school or not which sucks for the rest of the world. Two-bit always said that I'd set my own brother on fire if it meant that he pissed me off.

I passed my younger brother on my voyage, him not even glancing my way while I passed. Ponyboy normally never notices me at school unless he is looking for me. He knows how much I'd rather be somewhere else, unlike him. Pony excels in school just like my older brother Darry did. Sodapop and me never seemed to get the concept of it. As twins we have a lot of the same out looks on things, but we are still very different. As much as I hate school I still try to do my best for my parents sake, so does Soda but he just doesn't get it. He is too free spirited to sit for sixty minutes listening to a boring adult try to teach you something that wont even matter in your future.

Finally I made it to my destination, with a heave I made my way through the lingering teens outside the doors. Once outside I looked up at the sky, it was so peaceful and blue today. Again I started to move, this time I was headed toward the tree. Everyday after school me, my brothers, our friends, our friend friends all meet out by the tree. Its sort of like an unspoken agreement between us all. I was the first to get there and I took my bag off setting it next to the tree knowing it would be a long wait. Looking around I noticed that the leaves were beginning to fall off the tree. Autumn is my favorite season, its not cold but its not hot, its perfect. Not to mention the beautiful colors of falling leaves all season.

With a large intake of air I breathed the scent in with a sigh. The air smelt of fresh maple and gasoline. Cars revved away with bursting loud teenagers as passengers. I sighed again getting impatient, it had been ten minutes and no one had shown up at the tree yet. With another sigh I fell to the ground and laid in my spot angrily. After a moment of huffing I relaxed. The week had been hard for me in so many different ways, I might as well try and be calm.

COME ON! I wasn't in the mood to wait anymore so I might as well be comfy, I thought. Fridays the boys take forever but not this long, everyone was almost gone from the front yard of the school and twenty-five minutes has passed. Maybe I should just head home without them. Mom might be mad I didn't wait for the ride or an escort but I just want to get out of here.

I began to hear footsteps coming toward me but I didn't get my hopes up about it being the boys. You wouldn't hear their footsteps you would hear their obnoxious voices first, I love their voice anyway. Soon enough a large head came into view as he leaned over my laying body. It was Brian "dick nose" Richards from my gym class. I scoffed at him in annoyance and frustration. Today it seemed like Brian had messed with me more than usual, which I know couldn't be true but still it was an annoying day. I hate him with all my might, I don't wish harm on the kid, I just want him to go away.

"Heyyyy there lil Lucy, whatcha doin on the ground?" Him and his boobs, I mean friends, laughed at his comment. I grumbled at their irritating voices and disgusting soc odor. Do they know what cologne does when they smell like BO? It makes them smell worse, they should just take showers like normal humans. The verge to barf was close by with their nauseating scents and my sensitive nose.

Brian and I have never gotten along ever since the third grade. Always he has picked on me, Mom always said its because he likes me but I'd rather eat my own vomit than ever be with him. He has always called me lil Lucy, I hate that name, just because I'm a lot smaller than him. I always have been which makes it all the worse. So I've always called his friends boobs, because they are always attached to him, not to mention they just are boobs. They've never really understood why I call them that. When I call them that they think of a women breast, tits to them, when I actually mean somebody unintelligent. Hence why I call them it.

"Aw is lil Lucy not in a good mood today? I wonder why Fellas." again they bombarded my air with their loud laughing and odor. Wow, I guess if I was that dumb I would have laughed too.

"Maybe its because she lost horribly in dodge ball today?" Boob number one said with a frantic giggle. He slapped his knee to show how funny it was.

"Could it be that she is missing a item of clothing perhaps?" Boob number two asked with a large chuckle. All three laughed to themselves holding each other up so they didn't fall from the contagious gesture. With a scowl and looking down at my chest I remembered about second hour gym.

We were playing dodge ball in the gymnasium. All socs and greasers alike were running around throwing balls at each other, I on the other hand stood in the middle of my team's side. Dodge ball wasn't exactly on my top list of things I wanted to do this morning so I just stood waiting to be put out. Brian and his boobs, friends, threw all of their dodge balls at me at once. Sure I was pissed to get put out like that but I was glad to be out of the game anyway.

With a harsh glare I walked over to the long line to return to the game and rested against the wall. Letting people who wanted to play cut me when ever I got the chance. Out of no where Brain and his boobs threw all balls at me again, which pissed me off even more. I wasn't even playing and they threw them at me, assholes.

Of course I didn't say anything to them because I wasn't nearly mad enough nor did I care enough to yell at them. Steve was mad enough for me anyway. He pushed Brian and begun yelling at him for being such an asshole. It made me smile but also feel guilty because Steve was put out for the rest of the day. As he stomped out of the gym I looked at him with a frown but he just smiled at me, turned to flip off Brian one last time before exiting the building.

Later in the period when everyone was dismissed to the locker rooms to shower and change, another incident happened. Even though I didn't play I still had to shower, the gym teachers always make sure we shower weather we participated or not. As I entered the showers with a towel around my body, three other girls left the showers. I paid no attention to this, but when I had finished cleaning a garment of clothing was missing from the pile I left them in. Apparently Brian had asked a girl that had a crush on him to steal my bra while I was preoccupied.

Sure I was mad but still I didn't give them the time of day, nor did I ask for the bra back. I just went the rest of the day in my regular attire, minus a bra. I've gone to school without a bra before, it wasn't as much as a big deal as he had expected it to be. Even if it was that big of a deal I still wouldn't give him the satiation of pissing me off. For the rest of the day Brian tried bugging me about it but got angry instead because I still hadn't said a word about it. My clothes were big enough that day to not worry about it. Thank god that my clothes were all dirty and I had worn some of Soda's and Darry's old stuff instead.

As I laid there I wasn't really listening to Brian and his boobs make comments at me. He even lightly kicked me to make sure I was alive, I didn't look his way though. I'm really getting bored of the situation, screw mom getting mad, I'm going home. When I tried to get up Brian pushed me back down while his boobs laughed. He wasn't going to let me leave so I just laid and thought for a moment. I leaned my weight on my shoulders while I lifted my leg fast into Brian's groin.

I went to grab my bag while I heaved myself off the ground, not even glancing at Brian in pain. Brain was clenching his man hood with one hand while he leaned on the tree with the other. I could hear him grunting in pain while I walked away. Boob one and two were laughing their asses off as their "ring leader" yelped in pain. There wasn't really much else for me to wait for so I had a normal pace as I walked. I was across the street and on my way home when I heard Brain yell to me.

"You bitch, come back here and face me like the man you are?" I didn't turn around. I didn't make a nasty comment about how he was no longer a man because of the blow I just gave him. It wasn't worth it to talk to him. In fact now that I think of it I've only talked twice today and that was this morning when I said goodbye to Dad when he left for work. Then when I was asked to answer a question in math, I responded by saying 'I don't know'. When really I didn't care about it enough to really look at the equation.

Knowing Brain would be mad anyway from my lack of interest in the situation was good enough for me. He yelled at his henchmen. "Get her idiots." He was one to talk, him being more stupid than a camels ass cheek.

The boobs ran at me full force and I turned to them with a emotionless face, but a scary one at that. As Dad would always say, I had looks that could kill. He said that I had inherited that from Mom. She always was able to give a point without even saying anything, as could I. We are both pretty quiet people, compared to the rest of the family so we need to use our expressions more than mouths. For the third time today I spoke, with a warning, venomous voice.

"If you don't want to end up not having children, I suggest you don't touch me." my voice was deadly. I'm surprised they didn't vanish into dust. They stopped in front of me and stared at me then looked back at Brain then stared at me again. They didn't know if I was serious.

"I'll give you one last chance before I cut your balls off myself." I pulled out my blade, just for affect.

Darry and Dad sat me down three years ago when I started high school. They gave me the blade and told me to take it everywhere I went, but only to use it in self defense. I took the blade proudly but also knowing I would never use it unless it was absolutely needed. Of course they gave it to me just for the protection of the current events those three years ago. Steve had gotten jump and no one wanted that to happen to anyone else so everyone took precautions. Even though that was then and this is now, I still carry it everywhere I go.

Both of them looked at each other and ran back to Brain pale faced. I stuck the blade back in my pocket and began to walk on my way home. My pace was normal and I didn't look back at the soc nuisance. There was cool chilling voice to my right as I walked.

"Hey Lu, that was pretty damn tough, you did just there." I looked over to see Dallas Winston leaning up against a parked car, smoking a cigarette.

Dally and I have a strange relationship. One minute we will be completely fine with each other the next we are at each other throats about something or other. It doesn't help that he has such a bad temper when I have the patience of a saint. He gets angrier when I don't blow up like he does. I also have a very fiery temper but I have more control over mine then him. Even though we fight, we both care dearly about each other.

Pony and Darry both agree that I'm the only person Dally really cares for besides Johnny. I doubt that though. He maybe a tough hood sometimes but he has a heart bigger than most people. Dally just likes to show it in other ways than normal humans. I wouldn't change him for the world though, maybe just his bad habit of assuming things but nothing else. I'd kill and be killed for that guy.

When I didn't respond and kept walking he began to walk next to me. He slung his arm around my shoulder and I looked over at him blankly. "Lu? What's your problem?"

Looking at the ground I shrugged. Maybe it was because I had a horrible week. Or perhaps it was because I hadn't slept normally since Tuesday. Than again it might have to be the horrible halo headache I was getting. Well it could be that my mind is thinking way to much for me to notice reality. It could be the sick feeling in the back of my throat that something terrible is going to happen, that I've had all week. Yeah I thought so too, its all of those things.

"Need a cig?" he offered nicely knowing I had a rough day. I shook my head no. I don't smoke that often, more socially or when I need it for nerves. The headache would probably go away if I had a couple of smokes but I'd rather go sleep for a few hundred hours before I try that tactic.

"Hey kid, I'll see you later. You better be in a better mood or I'm gonna fix you good!" Dally warned walking over to some of his pals at the DX, Steve being one of them.

Steve yelled over to me as I passed. "Hey Luc!" his wave was excited as if he hadn't seen me in years. I threw my hand in the air back at him, not as enthusiastically as he wanted but he took it anyway.

"Where were ya after school? We waited over fifteen minutes for ya."

Fifteen minutes? I waited forty. I spoke for the forth time today. "I was at the tree waiting for you guys."

"Damn, didn't Soda tell you we were going to meet at my car today?" I shook my head no and sighed frustrated with Sodapop and myself.

"He never remembers anything! I should have told Pony to tell you." Steve yelled as I kept walking. "I'll see ya later kid." my arm shot in the air saying farewell.

Finally I made it home, I could hear the radio on inside and lots of laughter. Even though I had waited to enter the house all day, at this moment I just wanted to be alone. Deciding to head straight to my room when I got in, I climbed the steps and opened the screen door. Pony, Darry, Mom, Soda, Johnny and Two-bit were all dancing around in the living room. They all looked over at me, excited to see I had arrived home.

"Hey baby girl, where ya been?" Darry asked gently trying to pull me into the dancing group. I slid my hand away from his as I shook my head no. The smile from his face faded as I passed him and the others. Our house was small but it had enough rooms for us and it didn't take long to get to the hallway. Walking pass all the other doors and the kitchen, I ended up in my room.

No one had followed me to my room, but they did turn the music down. Their loud chatter had lasted another thirty minutes while I laid on my bed staring up at the ceiling. Normally I would have jump at the opportunity to dance around with them but I just wasn't in the mood.

Everyone was talking and watching television now. I could hear Mickey Mouse blasting through the wall as they idly talked. Finally I took my bag off and put it next to my bed. Than I went back to laying only this time it was on my side, facing the wall. Through my door I could smell Mom cooking dinner, she was making mashed potatoes and meatloaf. It was one of my fathers favorites. I could also breath the scent of chocolate chip cookies, another favorite of Dad's.

Speaking of my father I heard everyone greet him as he stepped through the door. Than I heard Steve come in just a second later. The sun was setting when they arrived and dinner time was almost here, I dreaded going out there. Just like the dread I was feeling in my stomach, was almost making me sick.

My Dad's heavy work boots walked into the kitchen. From experience, I know that he had walked over to give my mother a kiss hello. He would always greet her like that, they are so in love with each other. I hope I have something like that someday.

They mumbled to each other through my wall, they were just close enough to were I could hear. Dad talked to Mom, "So everyone seems to be in a good mood."

She hummed a yes, I'm sure she was smiling. I loved my mother's smile, it could light up a dime room. "Where's my little girl?" he asked.

"She went straight to her room after she was late getting home." I could tell she frowned when she answered. Since Mom isn't really a big talker she always put all her emotion into her voice when she did.

My dad yelled over to all the guys. "Hey, why was Lucy late getting home?" A few of the guys mumbled but I couldn't hear them through the wall. Then I heard Two-bit yell over to Soda. "Hey ain't you guys twins? Can't you tell what she's thinking or somthin?" he laughed at his joke.

Next thing I knew there was a knock at my door. I turned over and looked at the door. I bet it was Mom. "Come in." I whispered. Hoping they heard me.

My door opened and my Dad's head popped in. He turned the light on and closed the door upon entering. He looked me over for a moment before smiling and walked over to me. At that moment it all hit me. The dread feeling had gotten worse as he got closer. A sorrow swept over me and I sat up putting my hand out in front of me.

He stopped in his tracks and frowned. "Lucy girl, what's wrong? You haven't been yourself all week."

I was beginning to panic as the feeling was getting stronger. "Dad I need to go." he looked confused. I could feel acid rising in my windpipe as though I was going to vomit.

My body climbed off my bed trying to avoid touching him. For another strange reason I felt like if I touched him, I would breakdown or get sick. Hell I was already breaking down. The need to get away from everything was very great, and I slid quickly toward the door.

"Lucy, what are you talking about?" his voice was making me feel sicker.

"Dad I'm sorry I just….I just need to get away for a few minutes, get some air."

"No. Tell me what is wrong." he ordered in a soft tone, he lightly grabbed my wrist. There it was, he touched me. The sick feeling was swimming through me. I could feel it in my finger tips and in my bones. Panicking I pulled away and dashed for the door and swung it open. My dad yelled for me.

"Lucy?!" he was baffled and followed me out of the room. I was running for the front door and I was determined to get outside before I exploded. Everything was moving so slow. Mom looking over at me worried as I passed the kitchen. Entering the living room all the boys glancing my way confused and concerned.

Then I heard my dad's voice yell to anyone who would have obeyed his request. "Don't let her leave!"

I watched as they all realized my dad's command. They all were a little stunned. Then I tried to speed up, hoping it would be enough to get me out the door. Darry was the closest to the front door and he stepped in front of it before I could reach it. He looked very concerned as he crossed his arms over his chest looking down at me. My legs halted in the middle of the living room. Heaving air in and out of my lungs was becoming difficult. Furiously I looked for another way out, the back door!

Again my legs moved in a fast motion toward the exit. Two-bit stood in front of my last hope of escaping the house. My hearts was fluttering faster then a humming birds wings. I was sure that everyone in the room could hear it beat hard in my chest. The dread was getting worse. The sickness was making me shake, it was too much for me to handle any further.

Maybe I could find another way out. There were a few voices talking to me but I couldn't focus on them. Dad had entered the room and was standing next to mom. They both were staring at me strangely. As was everyone else. No one could have felt the way I felt. My eyes looked over at Soda standing next to Darry.

My twin was shaking slightly. Perhaps he was feeling what I was feeling, I'm scared. This dread was like no other. Anticipation is the worst thing in the world, especially when you don't know what to anticipate. Silently I pleaded with Soda, hoping he'd give me a reassuring smile like he usually did but none came.

I scanned the area, Soda's bedroom door was open. It was hard to see but the window was open. Feeling a little relieved I had one more chance, I dashed for his room. As I entered the room I jumped on his bed and threw my feet out the window. I was half way out when the light turned on with Soda and Steve trying to grab me by the shoulders. Finally I heard something that made sense, Soda screamed to me. "No Lucy, don't."

I slid the rest of myself out the window and looked inside at them. The cool night fall air hit my face, it was already relaxing me. The air was easily going in and out of my lungs now. Soda and Steve looked at each other and then back at me. A large muffled voice came from the inside. "Soda, did she get out?"

"Yeah Dad." they still stared at me.

"Did she run off?" he asked coming in the room.

"No, she's just staring at us." my dad moved Soda and Steve out of the way. The dread was still there and I could feel it as I did inside when he leaned his head out the window.

"Lucy get inside, this is ridiculous." I shook my head no, moving backwards running into my Dad's car.

"I'll be back later. I'll be ready to talk then." I whispered running off into the night. Dad cursed to himself.

"Damn it!"

I didn't know where I was going but I needed to cool down. Really I don't get what is happening, all week I have tried to suppress the sick feeling in my stomach. This was just too much for me, I need a smoke or something. My legs kept jogging and I ended up crying. I ended up in the park first and had to kneel down for a second before I kept running, still I was on the verge of throwing up. Than running for a while I finally noticed I was at Buck's place. Subconsciously I think I was looking for Dally. He was the only one not there when I freaked out.

With the back of my hand I dried the light tears that ran down my face. Being away from they house made me feel lighter. The sickening feeling wasn't as bad as I walked up to Buck's door. I smiled as I knocked on the door. It has been forever since I've seen Buck. If Dally isn't here I'm sure that Tim and Buck are so, I have someone to hang with.

Buck swung the door open with a frown but soon broke out in a smile.. I felt even more relieved to see his smile.


	2. Ready

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is the only think I own so far. ;) I might add more peoples later but yea I own nothing.**

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**Living For**

_Ready_

Buck swung the door open with a huge smile. I felt even more relieved to see his smile.

He was squinting at me for a few moments before he realized it had been me at his door step. Buck is a rough looking man, always has been. His face tough and leathery from past wounds. For a moment I thought he hadn't remembered who I was since the last time I saw him was five months ago. A lot can do to a girl to make her look different in five months. Worrying he wouldn't recognize me I pulled my over grown hair from my face. His smile immediately grew.

Mine grew as well, then I heard a voice from inside. It was Tim.

"Buck who's at the door?"

Buck scooped me into his arms and hummed in my ear as he squeezed me around the shoulders. I relaxed a little bit more in his arms. Its not like I've ever like Buck anymore than a buddy but I really needed a hug. He felt the tension leave my body as I rest by body in his arms. With strong arms he hoisted my feet off the ground and placed me inside the warm building. He never let go of me while he shut the door.

"Louie Bird! I haven't seen you in forever!" Buck squeezed one more time before getting a good look at me.

The man held me arms length with a large smile. Looking me up and down he noticed every detail of me, as he usually does. His eyes began at my dirty, worn out converse. Trailing my loose jeans to my baggy t-shirt. With his right hand he removed all hair from my face, which is quite an accomplishment with how much of it I have. Buck stared into my silver blue eyes with his dark brown ones.

"That's the way I like it, being able to see ya pretty face." he slung his arm around my shoulders and led me into the other room where everyone was.

The room was scattered with lot of Buck's friends. Most I had not seen before but only one that I knew by name. My eyes landed on Tim who had a half dressed women on his lap. He looked the same as he always has, greased back hair with a whore on his lap. I smiled at him and he glared at me so I frowned. Tim pushed the girl off his lap and as she huffed at him he began to walk toward me slowly.

"Hey Buck, who's the broad?" looking me up and down just as Buck had, he smirk.

"Come on Tim, you know Lucy Curtis." Buck shook me with his arm looking down at me. I smiled up at him. "Sodapop's twin, you've called her Louie Bird since she was five."

"This couldn't be Louie Bird. She would have given me a hug by now." Tim kept smirking as he teased me. I looked up at Buck who was still smiling at me. I couldn't help but feel that I was the only sober one in the building, I might as well play along. Turning toward him I hugged him and hid myself from Tim.

"Buck protect me from this strange man." both men shook with laughter.

"From the sound of what Dally was telling me earlier, you don't need protection." Buck chuckled. "Told me how tough you were with those soc boys today, nice work."

"It's no big deal, I just wanted to be left alone." I said jumping into Tim's arms with a sigh. Hugs were defiantly something that I needed. Again I felt more tension leave my body.

"Miss seeing ya at the drive in Louie Bird, miss seeing ya period." He laughed pulling apart. "Where ya been?"

"In my head, where's Dally?" I asked.

"Up in his room I think, unless he left without a word." Buck said as he moved across the room joining the poker game in the middle of it.

"Well I'm going to say hi, if he's not up there I might lay down for a few before leaving, cool?"

"Yeah Louie just help yourself to anything." I nodded and headed for the stairs.

Buck's house is more like a hotel. He doesn't really have a job. His income is from his buddies. Most of his friends drink, eat, sleep, shower, smoke and all that jazz at his place. For a night he charges, for a meal he charges, for a shower he charges. The only person I have ever seen Buck let stay there most of the time without paying is Dally. Personally I wouldn't make Dally pay either.

As I got to the top of the stairs I tried to pull the far memory from my mind of which room was Dally's. The last time I'd been in Buck's place was the last time I saw him, forever ago. I decided to call for Dally and if he didn't answer I'd just check behind door number one first. "Dally?"

No answer, I wasn't really expecting one. Door number one it is, I knocked lightly and waited for an answer. None came so I turned the knob to see if it was unlocked, it was. Pushing the door open I immediately remember the room to be the one Dally always stayed in. Letting myself in I kick some clothes out of the way. Dally was no where to be seen so I figured he wasn't there. I helped myself to his bed though.

Kicking my shoes off I landed down on his bed. I've always loved his bed, its so soft and squashy. Grabbing his pillow I breathed in his familiar scent and wish I could give him a hug. Dally isn't one to give out hugs often and I wanted one from him. It would make the feeling go completely away. The dread is still there but now that I'm relaxed it was slowly disappeared but its still not gone yet.

As I was alone in his room I began to think about the dread. The sickness that's been haunting me for the past week. Had it been there because of all the bull shit happening to me this week. Or was it a warning to something. I guess I'll never know now that it is fading way. In my opinion I wish it never was there in the first place. The whole freak out at my house would have never happened. My parents and brothers wouldn't be worried about where I was or where I was going. A small bit of guilt began to crowd my thoughts as I drifted off into a light slumber.

Downstairs Dallas had entered through the front door. He swaggered over to the bar in the next room and asked for a beer. Than he turned to his friends and cracked a small shady grin.

"Hey Dally where ya been?" Tim asked moving over to sit with him at the bar.

"Just left to go get some more cigs after I got back."

"Somebody is up in your room lookin for ya." Buck chimed in with a smile from the poker table.

Dally smirked thinking of who it could have been. He silently hoped it to be Sylvia waiting for him. "Oh who is it?"

"Louie Bird." Buck answered shuffling the cards.

"Who the hell is Louie Bird?" Dally thought out loud.

"Lucy Curtis." Tim rolled his eyes in an annoyed fashion.

"Lu? What is she doin here? She okay?" Dally tried not to sound eager and worried in front of them but he couldn't help the hint of panic from slipping from his lips.

"She seemed fine to me, maybe a little tense and quiet but fine." Buck answered cooling his friend down with his smooth voice. "You might want to make sure though, you know Louie."

Dally nodded and headed up the stairs with his beer in hand. At the top of the stairs he turned right and quickly opened his bedroom door. His fast heart rate relaxed at the sight of me. Entering the room he closed the door behind him and made his way over to my sleeping form. He thought about how peaceful I looked and that he didn't want to wake me.

He sat on the floor leaning up against the bed deciding he would when he finished his beer. Setting the bottle down he pulled out a weed and began to light it. Dally sat there for about twenty minutes enjoying his beer and cig. Taking his time to give me the rest the he knew I needed.

With his last drag he threw the butt out the slightly opened window and sat on the edge of the bed. His hand gently shook me out of my sleep. Being woken with a small start I jumped away from him. I panted into the corner away from him with my hand over my heart. The dread feeling slightly entering my blood stream again. It felt like a million worries were crushing me. Like ten thousand mistakes were piercing my chest. Tears were in my throat and I held them back trying to calm myself out of my fright. Breath women, BREATH!

"Lu?" Dally being who he is, was calm but inched toward me with a blank face. "What's wrong?"

I heaved air into my lungs then let it escape when I calmed myself. Another breathe when in and out for a few more times before I took my hand of my chest and smiled slightly. "Sorry you just scared me a little."

"Well come here." Dally out stretched his arms to me.

Still feeling the effects of the dread I cradled onto his lap. "Dally.." I began trying to speak of my feeling but not able to put into words just yet.

No body really understand Dally like I do. He hates to admit it but its true. I've even seen him cry a few times before, something he wouldn't even let his mom see him do. We are similar that way, I hate people see me cry. That's another difference between me and my twin, and my brother Pony. Soda and Pony cry all the time, they are really emotional sometimes. They don't cry in front of the gang but they have before. Mom told me that Dad cries more than I do. They sort of make fun of me for it, Darry says I'm a rock just like him. Its different though, I do cry, but not when can see me. Dally is probably the only one I cry in front of. He cries too, more than you would think.

"What is it baby girl?" I sat on his lap and leaned into him as he cradled me.

"Dally, I have such a horrible feeling that something bad is going to happen."

"How long have ya had it?" he whispered.

"All week."

"Is that why you've been acting funny?" Dally gently rubbed my arm with his thumb.

"Yeah, I just can't get it out of my head. I came here because I needed to get out of the house and quick."

"What do you mean quick?" I sucked in some air and began the whole story of me running out the window.

I knew Dally was listening intently like he always does. He even told me once that he would go insane without our conversations. They were all about life and how much it's a bitch. More on one occasion we both end up crying in each others arms.

We both shared the shit of our hell on Earth. I would tell him about school and how much I hated it. Then he would tell me to drop out and join the circus. Or I would mention disappointing my parents and my brothers because I wasn't even close to being as good as them. Dally would tell me I was full of shit and he would tell me how much better I was than everyone else.

Dally always told me about how his parents hated him and how his mom laughed when his dad would almost kill him. He would mention how he saved his mom life more than once. I would tell him to forget about those shit heaps because they are in the past and don't matter anymore. Then I would hug him and tell him that he was my best friend and I would be lost without him. Also he would tell me about life in New York and his gangs he hang with. Or his time in jail and how it changed him to be tougher. With that I would punch him in the arm. Then I'd say that he was soft and squashy like his bed and that I loved him the way he was.

The both of us were close but we never really told anyone about it. My parents don't have a problem with Dallas, neither do my brothers. They would flip if I told them I was spending the night at his house though. It would be the same story, I'm headed to Rocky's for a sleepover be home tomorrow. Dally thought it was best as well, but we never did anything which is what my family would expect if they knew.

When I was done telling Dallas about my shitty feeling he rubbed my back and told me everything was going to be fine. "Lu everything is gonna be fine, you dig?"

"I dig, but Dal I'm so scared. What if it turns out horribly?!" I was shaking.

"Hey now listen to me Lu, this is you being paranoid." he answered holding me close. "Everything is going to be fine and you are going to be thanking me about reminding you that it is."

"Okay I believe you." shakily I gave in.

"Now you need to chill and quit your shaking." He said looking me in the eyes. "Need a cig?"

"Sure." he handed it to me after lighting it. Then he lit his own and we both smoked in silence before I looked over a the clock.

"Dal its eleven thirty, I've gotta go fix things at home." Dally frowned.

"Can't ya stay a little longer? I haven't talked to ya all week. And you haven't come around here in five months. " he whined.

"Sure, how have you been lately?" I said climbing off him and laying on his bed. He sat next to me while I leaned my head on my hand.

"I've been okay." He said with a blank face.

"LIES!" I yelled as he jumped up startled. His face was a little red from the embarrassment. Well I couldn't resist and I burst out laughing. I laughed for the first time that week.

"Your gonna get it now girl!" he warned and bounced on me. He began to tickle me and he sat on my middle. "NO!" I cried out.

My feet were kicking around and his left hand was holding both my wrists from hitting him. His right hand tickled my sides, a evil smirk plastered on his face the entire time. "ASSHOLE!" I yelled laughing.

"Calling me names isn't going to help you." he chuckled.

I began to rock my body back and forth. Eventually his weight was used against him and the both of us fell to the floor. Now I was on top of him but it wasn't fair that he wasn't ticklish like I was. So I held down his arms with my knees and tried to restrain him. My hair was falling in his face and he was whining about it. With a strong grip I held him down with my entire body, knowing I wasn't going to hold him for long I needed to act.

My nostrils breathed in a lot of air and with my throat I hacked the mucus from my nose into my mouth. "FUCK NO LU!" he scream and began to panic. He knew what was coming, giant Lu loogy in his face. Of course that is probably the grosses thing I've ever done. Hell I live with four men and have most guys as friends, what do you expect?

The spit left my mouth just as I lost my grip and Dallas had pushed me off of him. I was across the room in a second and I slammed against the wall. I grunted in pain for a moment and laid in a bundle on the ground. My eyes looked over at Dallas who was making sure nothing was on his face. The Lu loogy was all on my face and in my hair. Dally ran over to me with a worried look.

"I'm sorry Lu!" when I didn't respond he grabbed a shirt from the ground and whipped my face. He cradled me on his lap again. "Are you okay?"

Without warning I burst out laughing and slapped Dally on the shoulder. I stopped laughing quickly and hissed at the pain in my back. "Lu what hurts?"

"I'm fine Dally, don't worry about it."

"No, I just killed your spine or somethin." Dally began to panic and lifted up my shirt leaning me forward.

His hand brushed on my skin inspecting it. "Breath in deep Lu." he ordered.

"Dallas Winston I'm fine." I said trying to squirm away.

"Do as I say and breath in deep." again he commanded me to do as he says. Just so he would shut up I breathed in rolling my eyes.

"Satisfied?" I pushed him away and put my shoes on. After stuffing my shoes on my feet I got up and walked out of the room.

"Lu, I just don't want you to be hurt. I don't know what I would do without ya." he followed behind.

"I know Dal, I understand."

"Where are you going?" he asked trying to get in front of me on the stairs.

"To see if Buck has something for me to eat, I haven't eaten yet today. Than I wanted to see if he would give me a ride home." looking at the clock on the wall, it was twelve eleven now. Holy shit time flies.

"Buck?" I called and entered the room he resided. "Got any food or something?"

Buck left the room and when into the back to get me some food. I sat at the bar with Dally and Tim. He came back with a sandwich. "Thanks." I smiled at him.

The three of us chatted like old friends and soon it was twelve forty. I was about to ask if Buck would give me a drive home when a whole bunch of people entered through the front door. One of the men yelled, "Party!"

Everyone began to dance, smoke, drink around me. Everyone was having a great time and I had forgotten about what time it was while I watched everyone enjoying themselves. Music was the main sound in the house and everyone dances around with each other. Soon Dally was preoccupied with a girl that he was whispering in her ear in the corner so I just sat there. Tim came up to me after he noticed I was alone. He asked me if I wanted to dance with him. I love to dance but I don't know if I should, I looked at the clock again than smiled at time.

"Umm, just one. Okay?." he nodded while bring me over to the dance area.

Tim spun me around and we dance together through the whole song. Then we danced again through the next one. Our hips going in to twine with each other in rhythm with the song. We held hands as we danced and waved our arms back and forth. I let loose and was feeling a lot better to be relaxed. The song ended and I thanked him for the dance. Tim and I walked over to the bar for a rest. I was talking to him when I felt a sudden pain the back of my head. Someone had just slapped my head.

My shouldered hunched, my teeth clenched, my eyes tightened before I turned around. All eyes were on me and a bitch that just slapped me. The music was still playing but everyone had stopped to take in the scene. The bitch had a smug scrunched up nose and yellow gritted teeth. Her breasts were hanging out of her short cut dress. I rose my eyebrows together waiting for her to explain her actions. Than I realized she was the whore that was hanging all over Tim when I got there.

"What gives you the right to touch my man?" she asked.

"Umm excuse you but what are you talking about?"

"Tim. You put your filthy, ugly hands on him. You tramp!" she hollered pointing to Tim next to me as he sipped his beer. I breathed in slowly calming myself while I looked over at him. He wasn't going to say anything, Tim just smirked at me as though giving me permission to kick the shit out of her.

"Okay, first of all, he asked me to dance. Second, I don't want to waste my time on a whore like you so I'm out of here." I said pushing her out of my way and was head toward the door.

"Bitch, come back here when I'm talkin to you." she yelled thinking I would care.

I just kept walking and pushing people out of my way toward the door. Buck and Dally followed me outside. My feet were graceful, I wasn't stomping them on the hard dirt floor. Dallas grabbed my arm when I kept walking.

"Lu, how could you let her talk to you like that?" he was angry for me. He always is.

"Dally, she isn't worth it." I said looking at him and Buck who was looking over Dally's shoulder at me. "I'm not like her, she can yell and pout all she wants. She's not getting a reaction without swinging first."

"Well Louie Bird she did swing first." Buck whined, he was mad for me too.

"Still she isn't worth my time, I could kill her if I wanted. Why should I hurt my hand beating the shit out of her?" I said walking away again. Sure I was plenty mad and I really did want to teach her a lesson but there just really isn't a good enough reason. I knew that if I was around here any longer I'd go back in a sock her, so my legs were walking pretty fast.

"Well you could have used a chair." Dally scoffed.

"Louie! Let me give you a ride its too late to walk." I turned around and headed back to give Dally a hug. He doesn't like giving me hugs in front of his friends so it was quick one.

"Night Dal." I said walking away. "Thanks for tonight."

"Don't worry about it. Good luck with the family Lu, remember its gonna be just fine." he nodded for me to hurry.

Buck and I were in his car a second later. He turned on the radio and we listened to Johnny Cash. To my surprise Buck was singing along. He had a pretty good voice too for such a tough guy. We didn't really talk but we smiled at each other a lot, Buck was a good buddy. Everyone always said how much of an asshole he is, truthfully he is an asshole but a polite one. He doesn't really get along with people that he doesn't respect or don't respect him. Lets just say he wouldn't mess with you if he knew you, kind of like Dally in a way.

"Thanks for the ride and a good time Buck." I said as he pulled up to my house. "I'd invite you in but my family is probably sleeping."

He smiled and gave me a one armed hug, "Don't stay way too long this time. Okay Louie?"

"Alright Buck, night." my body climbed out of the cab of the car and I walked up my steps with one last wave to Buck.

With all my might I turned myself to face my house. The light was on in the living room. Both doors were shut but I knew they would be unlocked. Or perhaps my family hates me now and I have to sleep on the porch. Guilt that's what I'm feeling now, the dread is gone. Personally I'd rather feel guilty even if is for a stupid reason.

I could hear light breathing inside from where I was on the porch. My legs moved me closer to the doors and I tried coming up with the courage to reach for the door knob. 'They are probably all asleep anyway, you might as well go in. Dally said everything is going to be okay, just fine. You can believe him, can't you?' I tried giving myself a small pep talk before I went in.

My left hand opened the screen door and pulled it open. Than I hesitated again, I was beginning to shake again. I could taste the small bit of dread in my mouth while I tried composing myself again. There was a small bit of air I breathed in and let out before I reached for the second door. My right hand turned the door knob and I breathed again when I entered.

In the arm chair was a sleeping Darry. He was slightly snoring in his slumber, his right foot twitching gently on the coffee table while his other foot on the floor. On the floor were my other two brother. Pony had his head rested on his arm when Soda was laying his head on Pony's stomach. Soda was drooling on Ponyboy's shirt. I smiled at the scene, they tried waiting up for me. My eyes trail over to the couch were my parent were resting.

My mother had her feet crunched together on the couch. Her arms were cradling my fathers right arms. She was leaning her head on Dad's shoulder. They both were holding hands. Mom was sound asleep, Dad on the other hand was sitting up. Both his legs rested on the floor as he was leaned against the couch. He was upright and staring right at me. His cool eyes looking right through me as I stood there.

I slumped my shoulders as we stared. It felt like an eternity that we stared. Hazel eyes against silver ones. We both weren't going to back down, both of us are very stubborn. Finally I knew I had to speak.

"Dad." I began. "I'm ready to talk."


	3. Thanking God

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is the only think I own so far. ;) I might add more peoples later but yea I own nothing.**

* * *

**Living For**

_Thanking God_

"Dad." I began. "I'm ready to talk."

He stared at me again, blinking when I spoke. Then he lifted my mother from her position and began to walk down the hall. They both entered their room in the darkness of the hallway. He came back out a second later then picked up Soda from the floor. My dad brought Sodapop to his room. Once again he came back out and carried Ponyboy to the room him and Sodapop shared.

My Dad is only in his forties and he is the strongest man I've ever met, inside and out. Next to Darry of course, they both look so much alike its insane. Darry was the last to be going to his room. I knew my father would not be able to carry him because they were both pretty much the same size, Darry being just a little bit smaller.

Lightly my dad shook my brother. "Darry."My brother stirred slightly and than shot up fast from the chair when he saw Dad's face close to his. "What? Huh? Lucy? She okay?"

Dad placed his hands on my brother's shoulders to calm him. Darry's chest was heaving up and down in a panic. It made me smile a little, Darry has always been so protective of everyone just like my Dad, but he just doesn't know how to talk about things. Dad can make anyone smile and he understands everyone, that's where Darry and him differ.

"Dad? Is she okay? Where is she?" Darry was still panicking, I could see his body tense with the second our father stayed silent.

"Ask her yourself son." Dad turned Darry to look at me after a moment.

"Lucy, are you alright?" Darry relaxed a little bit letting a large sigh escape his lips.

I nodded looking away slightly embarrassed. "Good, see you in the morning. Well or in a bit." he smiled before telling our father something I couldn't hear. Darry stumbled to his room in a sleepy fashion after smiling at me one last time. My dad walked over to me and grabbed my hand.

"You said you're ready to talk Lucy girl?" he asked turning to me.

"Well not really but I'd like to try on your behalf." I smiled tiredly.

"Darling, I understand this week has been rough for you, I'm not sure why but I know it was. You don't have to tell me what's going on in your head but I wish that you would tell me so I can try and help." Dad smiled while leading me over to the couch.

"I have had a rough week, but it's not really something that you could help me with. Its all me, I need to…do something to keep my mind occupied I guess."

"You know you can always come to us with anything Lucy? Me, your mom, even your brothers. We are always there for you."

"I know, I just panicked I guess." I nodded looking at my hands.

"Honey, you do some much for this family. We would never want you to feel alone ever." again I nodded my head. A few moments of silence passed before Dad spoke.

"Where did you go? You smell like smoke, Lucy girl you know your mother and I don't like it when you smoke."

"I went to Buck Merrill's place for some food after I spent a while in the park. Don't worry Dad I didn't smoke, I was around it though." Okay so that was half the truth.

Dad nodded in understanding and than looked into my eyes. "So why did you run?" he asked taking my hand to support.

"Truthfully, I was scared."

"Scared? Of me?" he frowned. Dad is so caring, I could never be afraid of him. I've lived my whole life next to him and mom. The both of them are the sun in my sky. They remind me of all the good that I'm missing out on and put me back on a secure path, always.

"I could never be scared of you. It was the feeling I was getting. It sounds funny but I truly felt something bad was going to happen if I didn't leave. Something bad was going to happen to you and I didn't want to be there if I had caused it." Dad rubbed my hand with his thumb.

"Well just think, if something bad did happen and you weren't there, how could you have saved me or help prevent the event. Maybe you are getting this feeling so when it does happen you can help the situation."

"I…I never thought of it that way." Daddy has a way about knowing things. He understands the world and its inhabitance. Sodapop inherited that from him, they both seem to always know what to say. Both always wear a smile on their faces too. Its just so amazing how they can make anyone grin. They are tough but gentle, I think that's why Mom married my dad. She told me about the first time they met once.

It was sophomore year at their high school and the both of them saw each other in the hall way. She said time stopped just for a moment when they both locked eyes. 'Love at first sight' Mom had said 'it was the most magical moment of my life and most memorable.' I hope my love is like that when I'm older. Sure I've dated a few guys, none that my family has heard about but a few. None that I've ever felt magic nor love for.

"Everything is going to be fine anyway, so don't you worry. Your Daddy isn't going to let anything happen to this family." He kissed me on the forehead. "I promise."

"Are you gonna be alright?"

"Yeah I just need some rest, I'll be fine." I smiled. "Thanks Daddy. I love you."

"Forever and always I'll love you Lucy girl" His eyes lit up when I called him Daddy, something I hardly ever call him. He kissed me again on the forehead when he got up off the couch. Dad was already on his way to his room before he turned to me again.

"OH! By the way your mother wanted me to tell you that she is cutting your hair tomorrow before she goes into work at two." I nodded at him biding farewell.

After that, he left me with my thoughts on the couch. For some reason I couldn't stop smiling. I'm so foolish, I should have talked to my dad in the first place. He always has his way to make me feel secure and safe. Always has, I supposed its because he is my father but no one can make me feel safer. Maybe my brothers could make me feel like that once in a while but not like dad. I pray to god he never changes, I couldn't bare the lose.

Just like my mother, I've always needed her too. She is a person with great passion. Everything she does she does it right and perfect, no matter the task. Compared to Dad she is really quiet and serious. She is a lot of fun once she loosens up but not like Dad. Mom is a person who cares for pretty much anyone.

She has the most gentle touch, a touch of a mother. It makes me feel proud to say she is mine. My mother. Most of the gang thinks of her as a second mother because of how caring she is. Especially compared to their mothers. The only thing that ever bugs me about her is how she always bothers me about going out for the gymnastics team at school and somewhat expects me to excel in things I don't.

When I was younger I was put in gymnastics lesson when Darry was playing football and Soda was learning the feel for rodeos. Ponyboy was a little bit too young when we all started our hobbies. Instead he picked up reading and drawing, I'm sort of jealous of him in a way. He is so creative, I could never be like that.

In gymnastics I was really good, I competed up until I was fourteen when I entered high school. By that time I was becoming a young lady and I didn't feel that I was good enough to be on the team at school. She still urges me to do it, even when she knows I never will. Darry said I was a waste of talent and muscle. Soda told me that I should stay in shape incase I do decide to join. Pony said I should do what I think is right. My dad wants me to be happy. Either way Mom and Darry will never stop until I'm out of high school. Also she wanted me to be in the choir, so does Dad. They think I'm good enough, I doubt that.

I've never really been a person to let myself go. Like Darry, I'm always striving to be someone I'm not. Except Darry eventually meets his goals, I'm just stuck being Lucile Lou Cutis. Which isn't a bad thing when you think of the people that surround me. I've got my dad who always can put me in a better mood and make me feel safe. Or how about my mother, she keeps my pieces from fall apart. The both of them are the glue to my world. How about my brothers, they keep me pretty steady too.

Darry looks just like my father, strong built with a handsome face. The only difference is that he has determined, piercing, freezing cold eyes. I hold those eyes too, only with a more silver tint. There is a lot I could say about Darry but one word that comes to mind when thinking of him is strong. Physically, he played football all through high school and before. Now he works out when ever he has the time. He works so hard he pulls something almost every week. But he sees it as a way of getting stronger. Mentally, he not a moody person. More just a stable human being who reacts when needed.

Kept to himself most of the time but he has his moments of getting close to people. Like two years ago when Pony was walking across the street, he wasn't thinking. Pony was about five feet away from getting hit by a large truck. If it wasn't for Darry pulling him out of the way, he would have died.

Darry has his own way of saying I love you or I care for you. Instead of crying for joy that Pony was okay, he yelled at him. Which I would understand since he almost saw his kid brother be killed. But I know he cares and means well, I remember hearing him cry that night. He never lets people see him cry, makes him feel weak.

Then there's Sodapop, my twin. He and I are pretty much the complete opposites of each other. Soda is a free spirit with nothing but the law and my parents word holding him back. Like our dad he can put things into words nicely. One thing that I've always been envious of is how he can let his emotions free easily. Sure he is a tough guy but he is also a man of feeling. He isn't afraid to cry, but he still doesn't cry in front of the gang often.

Our looks for another thing, he has a light brown head of hair with beautiful gold shiny highlights. Me, I've got the light brown hair but I've got silver hairs through out my hair. My mom said I've always had them and everyone says it makes me look like me. Which I don't mind at all, except everyone has their flaws they don't like about their body. I'm no different. Out of my family and the gang Soda is the most attractive.

People say that good looks run in my family, don't let Two-bit hear that. The last time someone said that he reply, 'Well why is Lucy and Pony in their family?" Of course I know he means nothing by it but still it doesn't make a girl feel to hot. That's just another thing I'm envious of, Soda is the better looking twin. It makes me sick sometimes the way girls swoon over him.

We are so different that its hard to say that we are twins, but its weird because in the end we both are the same. The both of us have a connection like no other. Not like the whole "finish each other sentences" but something more. I know when he is in trouble, or when he needs advice. I can read that boy like a fucking book, like the way Ponyboy reads his books.

Soda can feel what I'm feeling if its bothering me that much and is that strong of a feeling. We share dreams every once in a while too. But that hasn't happened in a really long time. The last time that happened we were twelve and we were both crying holding each other on the kitchen floor before either of us woke up. Mom said that we were like that for thirty five minutes before they could wake us up. And no matter what they did they couldn't pull us apart from each other. Neither of us remember the dream but I'm sure it was bad enough to freak us out. We sense each other when we are in danger, its amazes me sometimes.

When we were thirteen my brother broke his arm. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Everyone was sitting at the table waiting for Soda, Pony, and Johnny to start dinner, they had gone to the park about an hour ago and said they'd be back. Darry was getting very impatient because in an hour he had football practice. Than there was this jolt of pain that when through my arm. I felt it and winced, again the pain came.

Mom looked at me with frightened eyes asking with her eyes what was wrong. The pain became to much and I jumped from my seat after hearing a dreadful cry from Sodapop. Mom, Dad, and Darry were all staring at me. I heard the scream again and looked to see if anyone else had heard it, but no one had a reaction. Dad stood up.

'Lucy what's wrong?' he had said. Another scream and more pain. With my athletic, gymnast legs I jump on the table and was over it in a second. I dashed for the door screaming behind me.

'Call 911, Sodapop is hurt!"

Darry and Dad were not far behind me. But they weren't running as fast as me. I was jumping over cars and dodging them in the road to get to where my brother was near the empty lot. Pony was sitting next to Soda on the ground when Johnny was sitting far away not knowing what to do with himself.

With my frantic self I pushed Ponyboy away from Soda. His bone was sticking our from his arm and he was yelling in pain. I grabbed his good hand and wailed with him. Feeling every wave of pain with him. Tears were everywhere I had barely noticed the ambulance had pulled up until they were trying to pull me away from him.

I kicked, screamed, struggled as much as I could because I didn't want to leave him. Darry took a hold of me trying to calm me while they pulled away with my twin. Dad had gone with Soda but I wanted to be there, not him. At first when I got free I tried to run after the ambulance but knew that was useless so I began to run back to the house. Mom was waiting in the car for us to head to the hospital. All of us hopped in, even Johnnycake came along.

When we had parked I jumped out the door into the entrance. Frantically I looked around for any sign of Dad or Soda. Eventually I found Dad in a waiting room, he was drying his forehead from sweat with his handkerchief when I spotted him. I dashed toward him demanding to know where my twin was. Still I could feel the pain in my arm, only it was different now. It was pain but it was like someone was touching inside my arm, and picking at my tissues, moving things around.

Dad told me that he was in surgery and we would have to wait for him to come out. The others had come up behind me after a moment that I stared at him. Wait? I couldn't have waited, I was about ready to run for the nearest employees only door to find him but decided to demand to see him.

'I need to see him!' I told Dad but he shook his head no. 'Now!' screaming wouldn't help but they didn't know how I felt, I felt his pain. With a sigh Dad went over to the front desk while everyone went to go sit down. Mom tried to usher me to a seat but I pulled away from her and ran over to Dad. Than he turned to us.

'They told me we can all go see him in the watch window if we want.'

I didn't care who was coming in, I knew I was though. With fast feet I charged toward the open door that the lady held open. My feet took me down the end of the hall with the window. My eyes peered in and I saw Soda with lots of doctors around him. He was fast asleep as they messed with his left arm.

With my right hand I brushed my left arm trying to calm its nerves, the pain was if I was getting it worked on not him. My right hand went up to touch the window, tears streaming down my face. I hadn't notice that my other two brothers hand joined me in the hall. Darry began to yell at me, probably not knowing what to say to make me feel better.

'Lucy you gotta be tough, Soda is fine!' he hollered. I just kept crying.

'Did you hear me? He is fine!' than out of anger, frustration and pain I punched Darry right in the face. My brother looked at me surprised as he put his hand to his bleeding lip.

'You have no idea how I feel! SO SHUT THE FUCK UP!' I yelled than I ran back out of the hall. After getting out of there I passed Mom, Dad, and Johnny in the waiting room. They looked spooked as I ran past them and down the hall to the main entrance. Once I was outside I collapsed on the ground next to a near by bench. Soon I pulled myself onto the bench but kept crying. Shaking with pain and sobs.

None of them knew how I felt. None of them will ever know how I felt. Feeling helpless that my twin was in pain and I couldn't do a thing. Pain that I felt just the same as he did. Eventually it had become dark and Darry came out and sat with me on the bench. He apologized trying to calm me down and rubbed my back. It was awkward because Darry isn't good at things like that but it was a nice effort. Than he told me Soda was out of surgery and was doing alright. He was going to stay the night. Of course with lots of convincing on my part Mom and Dad let me stay with him when Mom stayed.

If I ever lost him, I think I would die myself. A part of me would be ripped out forever. Maybe I would be like that kid last year who killed himself after his dog died. Some crazy shit happens in my neighborhood, I can't wait to get out of it even though I know I that will never happen.

Then there is my kid brother, Ponyboy. He is the single most intelligent person I have ever had the pleasure in knowing. Always he is off day dreaming or writing or reading. All his grades are the best, always have been. In elementary school everyone thought he was so smart the allowed him to skip a grade. He is a freshman this year and is only thirteen.

He is going to make something big of himself one day. A writer, a lawyer, maybe a man of business, the options could start anywhere. Darry had that potential too. But he wasn't able to get in college right away, we didn't have enough money to put him through. Even with the athletic scholarship he won, he still hasn't been able to attend. He wont give up though, he works on roofs now for a little extra pay until he can go back to school. I'm proud of him anyway, always have been.

That's why Darry can be a little strong on everyone, he sees how much a possibility they have to succeed. It kills him when its thrown down the drain, like how I am with gymnastics. Or Ponyboy with his lack of reality. Pony is the smartest person around these parts but he never uses his head. For a smart person he can be really dumb. More on one occasion he doesn't use his common sense. I think its because he uses his brain too much, so when it comes down to it he thinks to fast and screws up. He is a real good buddy though, he's understand and I love him dearly.

Our family is so close we share almost everything. Well not everything but we don't mind lending out a hand. When Soda or I don't get something in school Pony and Darry are right there to help us out. Well more Pony then Darry but that's understandable. Or how when Mom is running late and can't cook, I cook. We are always helping out other people that aren't in the family too, even though we can barely afford it.

Soon enough I made it into my room and was ready for bed. I thought about all that is important to me that night. My body was resting under the covers as I remembered all the good times with my family and with the gang. You can't forget them, never.

We are all really close, some more than others. When it comes down to it we would all kill and be killed for one another. Like Johnny Cade, he lives down the road from us. His parents are abusive in any sort of way you could think of. Johnnycake's mom is a witch. I'd pop her in the face if I was allowed the chance. She tells Johnny lies, how much a pile of shit he is. Than there is my favorite one of "you suck at life" bit.

The gang is pretty chill and passive but when it comes to someone hurting us they don't take it lightly. More than anyone on Earth the gang wants to kill Johnny's father. His dad beats the living daylights out of him almost everyday. Other than that his parents don't notice him. It's all a huge pile of shit to me.

That's not how we see Johnnycake. He is everyone's little brother in the gang. Like Dally, out of everyone Dally is the one that looks after Johnny the most. He cares so much for him, I'm proud of him for that. Everyone helps him out though. My parents let Johnnycake sleep at our house when ever he needs it. They also care about him like they care about my brothers and I, they feel that way about the whole gang.

Then there is my twin brother's best friend, Steve Randle. He is a really nice guy when you see the good side of him. His fathers a really piece of shit too. I'm not sure what his father does to him but I know he is an ass. He's made Steve mad, angry, he made him hard.

If there was someone to pick that has a worse temper than Dally in the gang, it would be Stevey. The both of them are loose cannons, but I love them anyway. I couldn't get along without Dally and Soda wouldn't be able to get around without Steve. He makes my brother happy, and that makes him a good guy in my book.

Than there is Two-bit Mathews, the six year old in a mans body. I clean up more messes from Two-bit than I do my own family. I love Two-bit though, he's always been there to make me laugh. My brothers have mentioned more than once that Two-bit is in love with me. They don't understand our friendship though, we are more like a buddy to gal sort of friends. He flirts is all and I don't really care. Besides he likes blonds and I'm probably the furriest thing from a blond. I don't really notice him flirting though, he is just good at making me laugh.

He can be serious too, on a rare occasion. When he needs to be he can be really wise and insightful. Also Two-bit tells me all the time how he is always there to protect me. Which just makes me laugh more because I can handle myself just fine. The whole gang knows I can handle myself but they fuss over me anyway, just like Mom and Dad do. Its because I'm the only girl in the family just like in the gang.

Sure all of them have their girlfriends but I'm different. Soda said it was because I wont go off and sleep with their best friends. Damn straight I wouldn't, but I told him that and everyone knows I'm not like that. Darry said it's because of the fact that I wont run from them. That I'm familiar and regular, something they can count on in a girl. I'm not someone who would run away if they needed help, I've always had their backs. Pony agreed with him, said I'm the only loyal women they know beside our mother and their own. And some don't even have that.

It makes me feel good to be around them. They bring the best out of me I think, my family too. Sure they are rough around the edges but they all have a purpose in my life, I wouldn't give them up for the world. I drifted off to sleep right after thanking god for all that I have. The gang and my family included.


	4. My Run

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is the only think I own so far. ;) I might add more peoples later but yea I own nothing.

* * *

**Living For**

_My Run_

"Mom, did Lucy come home last night?" Soda asked while eating breakfast.

"Yes dear, your father said she came in around two or so."

"Oh, crazy women!" Soda hollered waving his hand toward my door. I was still fast asleep at eight in the morning. My family usually gets up early to greet the day. We were brought up being taught that every second counts during the day, it shouldn't be wasted sleeping.

"Hush Soda." Mom playfully slapped Soda's arm. "She is just having a rough patch. I'm sure she'll be back to normal today."

"What's the matter with her anyway?" Pony added looking at Mom. "She's acted weird all week, like everyone is diseased or something."

"That's a good way to put it Pony." Soda said with a mouth full of oatmeal and bacon.

"Well I don't really know, you should ask her." Mom was playing dumb with them and they saw right through it.

"Aw come on, Dad must have told you somethin." Soda begged.

"Don't look at me, she's your twin." Soda frowned as Mom smirked at him.

"You gave birth to her." Pony said in Sodapop's defense. Than Soda grinned holler at Mom

"YEAH!"

"To tell you both the truth I didn't get a word your father said so ask him or go right to the source. And both of you need to hush, your going to wake her up." Mom scolded the both of them shoving her thumb toward my door.

"The girl better hurry and wake up though. I wanted to see if she would go for a run this morning." Darry sighed from the ground. "She need to get in shape again."

Just as Darry said that I stepped out of my room tiredly. I looked around and observed what everyone was doing. Pony was reading the paper with Mom as they ate breakfast. Soda was scarfing down everything he could get his hands on. Darry was on the ground shirtless, his face somewhat contoured in agony. He was trying to stretch a tight muscle in his back I bet, I usually help him with that. Dad wasn't anywhere to be seen and I wanted to see him. Everyone looked up at me, Mom smiled at me still looking worried. Soda grinned with foot in his mouth, gross Sodapoppy.

Without saying a word to my family of greeting I when down the hall in search of my father. First place I looked was the bathroom, nope. Than my parents room was next. Dad was sitting on the end of the bed and tying his work boots. He looked up at me smiling before he stood up and walked over to me. Before he could get a word in I hugged him around the middle. He was cut off guard but quickly hugged back chuckling.

"Well good morning to you too." he kissed my forehead, something that he always did. "Sleep good?"

"Best sleep I've had all week." I asked hoarsely.

"Lets get some juice." without letting go of me, my dad dragged me to the dinning area. I giggled at him as he set me down in a chair.

"HI SIS!" Soda yelled at me with a huge grin that I couldn't help but grin back at. He's always been a morning person.

"HEY BRO!" I hollered back but a lot more hoarsely, we both laughed at my weird sounding voice. "Pass the juice would ya?" he pored me a glass before handing the pitcher to Dad.

"How ya feeling Luc?" Pony asked without looking from the paper as he sipped his chocolate milk.

"I'm alright, yourself?" after a giant gulp of OJ I replied sounding a lot more like myself.

"Pretty good." he smiled looked over at me. Smiling back I waved at him, something I usually did just to get him to laugh. It was something random and uncalled for since I wasn't but two feet away from him. He did laugh and looked back a the paper. Then I looked over at Mom.

"Hi dear." she greeted and I greeted back in a whisper like she did. "Hi Ma."

"Ready for a hair cut?"

"OHHHH GOD YES!" I said exaggerating the need. "It's been awhile since I've cut it."

"I like your hair the way it is." Pony pouted.

"Its too wild and to long. It looks like I woke up no matter what I do with it." I whined.

"I like it long." He whined back.

"Well Pony honey I'm just trimming it and shaping it so it will still be long." Mom assured him. Just than I heard my older brother grunt from the living room, immediately everyone turned to him. He was still having trouble with his back.

I got up from my seat and walked over to him. "Pulled a muscle brother?"

"You could say that." he groaned trying to stretch it out. I stepped over him and sat on his back, making him groan again.

"Damn Luc."

"Sorry." I began to lightly rub his back. Up and down his spine so I could feel where the problem was. There was a high tension spot right above his left shoulder blade and a small knot on under his right shoulder blade. Once I found the problem areas I began to rub harder. Putting a lot of my weight into my hand to stretch and relief his sore back. All the while having a small conversation with my family.

"So what is everyone up to today?" I asked not looking away from my focus on Darry's back.

"Well I've got to leave for work or I'm late." Dad said grabbing another piece a toast before leaning across the table and kissing Mom.

"Bye Pop." the boys mumbled through chewed food and carpet. I jumped up from Darry when he was leaving out the door.

"Wait!" I screeched running over to him. He looked like I'd given him a heart attack when I ran up hugging him. My head was looking up at him while I hugged. "I love you."

"Jeez Lucy." He relaxed after a moment and hugged me back. Then he leaned down, kissed my forehead and spoke protectively to me. "Don't worry so much Lucy girl, and remember my promise."

"I will Daddy. Love you."

We pulled apart and he left through the door yelling back at me. "Love you too."

With I sigh I turned back around with a grin on my face. Everyone was staring at me.

"What?" I asked going over and sitting back on Darry.

My mother just smiled at me getting up from the table. "Nothing dear, that was just a sweet scene." she giggled picking up the plates. "Why don't you ever call me Mommy?"

"Well it doesn't matter because it was a one time deal." I reassured everyone as they laughed at me. "I'm serious. I just thought DAD needed to know I loved him that's all."

Everyone kept laughing at me. I tried to ignore them and went back to rubbing Darry's shoulders. Most people would think I was a little rough with giving him a back rub, but that's the way he likes them. Soda always gets yelled at for not rubbing hard enough, but I do it perfectly. Mom always asked for shoulder massages too, sometimes even Pony. Soda and I have magic fingers, it's a gift.

"So Lucy, when your done ya wanna go for a run? Huh? Get back in shape?" Darry asked from under me. I didn't answer because I was almost done. Finally I popped his shoulder and sat next to him on the floor looking at him.

"Better?" I smiled. He nodded and grinned back.

"So about that run, you in?"

"No thanks brother." I always call him that because he is the official older brother. Soda was too impatient to let me go first. "I don't need to get in shape."

"Oh yeah well what's this?" Darry jumped up and tackled me. He lifted my shirt showing everyone my middle.

"WHAT? NO ABS?!" Soda gasped.

"I KNOW!" Darry yelled tickling me.

"STOP DARRY!" I yelled laughing. Than I pushed him off with my feet on his stomach. He was somewhat floating above me.

"See I'm still in shape, I can still pick you off the ground with my legs can't I?" his eyes were laughing as he smiled down at me.

"Nope, my knees are still on the floor." I looked at him surprised and studied our positions. Darry was in fact still leaning on the ground. With all my might I tried pushing him higher. He tried motivating me along with my other brother who joined us on the floor.

"Come on Luc." Pony said urging me to push harder.

"Baby girl your almost there, put your muscles in it." Darry ordered with a determined look that matched mine. Suddenly with a grunt Darry was higher above me. He smiled down at me. I smiled back in pain.

"Darry I don't think its me being out of shape." I said pushing him off me as I stood up to eat my oatmeal at the table with my bacon. "I think you've just gained weight."

My other two brother laughed at Darry's face while he joined me at the table. "Yeah I'm the one who gained weight."

"Don't make fun of my flab Darry, guys dig this." I said in a funny girly voice. Pony and Soda were falling over each other as they tried to stop laughing.

"Lucy, that is gross." Soda said composing himself.

"Ask anyone, they dig it." Mom said from the sink in the kitchen. Her hands made an hourglass shape flailing soap everywhere. The room when silent right before I burst out laughing. All three of my brothers made a disgusted face.

"Mom you took it too far." Pony said leaving the room being comforted by Soda.

"It's okay Pony, just walk away." Soda said slinging an arm around his shoulders. This just made me laugh harder and our mother joined in.

"Darry honey, I'll go for a run with you." Mom smiled at him picking up the table cluttered and cleaned the food crumbs. Darry nearly jumped out of his seat stuffing his mouth with the rest of his breakfast.

"Really?" she nodded and he was out of the room in a second.

"Hurry and get ready Mom, I'll meet you outside." Darry said slinging a shirt over his torso. Mom used to go with Darry all the time on runs but since he started working the same shift she works they don't go anymore. I used to go with them when I was younger, when I cared about it. Pony runs a lot but he doesn't do it with others. He told me once it was because it gave him a chance to think. At the beginning of the school year he told me he was going to try out for track, so he's been running a lot more. I've tried to get him to quit smoking but he still does without mom and dad knowing, which is AMAZING. They get one whiff of me and assume I've done all sorts of drugs. But not Pony. I'm sure they know they just don't want it to be true since he's the baby.

"Lucy honey you should come too." I smiled going over and cleaning my dishes.

"Mom I…" she interrupted me.

"A little sun and fresh air could do you good. Not to mention the gymnastics team tryouts are in November, only two months away."

"Mom I'm not going to…" again with the interruptions.

"I know you haven't don't it in awhile but dear you really are good at it and it will give you a chance to make some girlfriends." here we go.

"Hey now, I've got friends that are girls."

"None that you ever hang out with, you haven't even hung out with the gang lately either. You need to get out honey, be a teenager." I was baffled by her, she has no idea what she's talking about. With a huff I stomped to my room and shoved my socks and shoes on. When I came out she was already to go for the run she was grinning at me.

"YOU WANT ME TO RUN!? I'LL RUN!" I said dashing out the door with a frustrating grunt. I'll show them who's out of shape, not me!

I flipped off the steps next to Darry who nearly fell over, not expecting my actions. "Not in shape my ass." I muttered sprinting way.

"HEY LUC, WHERE'S THE FIRE!?" Darry asked trying to run up to me with mom trailing behind him.

"Darry just let her run at her own pace. At least I got her out of the house." Mom and Darry ran behind me for a while before they were so far I couldn't see them anymore. I slowed my pace and eventually stood in place looking around. My lungs burned badly and it was hard to breath.

I was almost all the way into town. My chest was heaving up and down from the run. It was too fast, I really was out of shape but who cares. I'm not fat or skinny, I'm fatny or something. With a sigh I fell to the ground and laid there in the grass. Maybe I shouldn't have done that, I was starting to feel light headed. While closing my eyes I grunted at myself in frustration.

Maybe Mom is right, I'm a loser who doesn't having any friends that don't have a penis. Well that's my way of saying it, she is a lot more lady like. That's my deal, I've grown up with guys. It would be pretty ridiculous if I didn't act like them once in a while. That's why I don't have chick friends other than Rocky and Natalia. Those girls were my best girl buddies but I haven't hung with them since last month.

I don't know about Rocky sometimes though, she will turn on me one of these days. Natalia has been my friend ever since I can remember, kind of like Steve is with Soda only way different. The both of us can go for month not talking to each other but still remain the same friends we always have. Soda and Steve are connected at the foot, I'm surprised they can whip their own butts without the other holding each others hands.

Rocky is nice and has always been fun to hang with but we've both had differences. We've over come them but I'm pretty sure she would trip me if we were being chased by zombie to save her own ass. That's a huge problem I have with her, she is very self-centered and self oriented.

My breathing was back to normal while I laid resting, thinking about Rocky. She went out with Dally once, that didn't turn out to swell. It was pretty much just a screw each other because we're bored thing. The worst part about it was that they both told me about the other and the pros and cons. Finally after the fourth conversation with Rocky and second with Dally I stopped talking to them

I didn't care that they dated, I just didn't want to hear about them. After a month of ignoring them out of fear they would talk to me about "them" Dally went insane. He stormed into my house one afternoon and started yelling at me. Darry and Soda were about ready to kill him if he touched me but Pony knew Dally like I did, he would never do that. Sure he's hurt me on accident, just like last night but nothing I couldn't lie about. I just sat there on the couch, with my legs crossed reading a book. He hollered at me to listen to what he had to say. I was listening but I wasn't looking at him, he demanded I look at him. No response so he stormed out of the house in a fit before grabbing my book and throwing it at the wall.

A lot of the pages ripped out when I when over to examine it. That was a fucking library book, he was going to pay for it. I charged out the door with the book and threw it hard at his head. He turned around red faced, I screamed at him and commanded he pay for it. In the end he paid for it and apologized, his punishment was another week of the cold shoulder. Eventually when I heard for Natalia that they broke up I became friends with them again. Well more Rocky than Dally, he never stopped being my friend.

She's also dated Two-bit and hurt his little heart. He is a horn dog all the same but he wanted a relationship. The bitch slept with him and dumped him the next day. Well it didn't settle to well with the gang or with me. As soon as I heard I ran out the house to look for the bitch and I found her in the old lot necking with Curly Shepard. After pulling him offer her I decked her in the face twice before spitting on her and cursing her to hell. We didn't talk for a few months until she came back to me asking for help. Two-bit told me it was okay to be friends with her, he didn't want to ruin our friendship. We've never really been the same since.

Natalia is a drama free girl. She never fights, she never swears and most of all never dates. Of course being a teenage girl, she wants to but just doesn't feel right dating in high school. Once she told me the only time she will ever date is at the prom. I've tried to set her up many times but she just doesn't want the trouble. I don't blame her, men are pigs. Kind of like Rocky, she sort of looks like a skinny pig with dirty blond hair. Guys go for her just for Friday fun, guys go to Natalia for romance and love. But they never get it. I admire her in a way, she stays strong without the help of a man. Steve tried to date her once and she set him up with Evie, one of her old friends. They've been dating ever since.

She's good like that, she can bring people together. Why do you think I'm still friends with Rocky, its because Natalia is constantly a referee. I should go see her sometime, I miss her.

As I laid there my mind drifted and I soon was fighting to stay awake. Soon the battle was won by the blackness that was taking me over. Unconscious came quickly and so did night fall.


	5. Love and Warmth

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is the only think I own so far. ;) I might add more peoples later but yea I own nothing.

* * *

**Living For**

_Love and Warmth_

A small moan escaped my lips from a small pain in my back. I must have fallen asleep on the ground. Its strange though, I'm moving. Bouncing up and down slightly like I'm being carried. There was chuckling around me, male laughter. I was being carried by a man, he smelled of cigarette smoke and maple syrup. With a huge effort I peeled my eye lids open. Tim Shepard came into my view. He was smirking as he looked forward, I could see the sunset behind us as I looked past Tim's arm. Curly, Tim's younger brother was chuckling behind us as we walked.

"Tim?" I groaned sleepily.

"Louie?" Tim's smirk faded and his face became blank. It's his way of looking concerned I guess. "Are ya okay?"

"Yeah, I went for a run this morning." I started but was interrupted by Curly's laughter.

"Shut the hell up Curly." Tim yelled glancing over his shoulder than looking back to me. "And?"

"I laid down because I was getting light headed, I must have fallen asleep." I whispered. Yawning I looked up at him than leaned my head on his chest.

"Are ya okay now?" he asked.

"Still tired but alright." I mumbled.

"Ya know I can walk, don't you?"

"If your light headed I don't want you to pass out or nothing so I'll just stick to carrying you. Your really not that heavy." I could tell that Tim was smirking. "Besides it looks like you might fall asleep again."

"No way." I yawned again. Damn, he might be right. "So why the hell were you on that side of town anyway?"

"Curly and I went to dinner there, after picking up Dad's…stuff."

"So that's why you smell like maple syrup, you had pancakes?" I didn't bother going into detail with Tim's Dad's "stuff." I'm sure it was drugs so I didn't inquire.

"Nope, waffles." he smiled down at me. I like Tim's smile, he only smirks so when he smiles its so refreshing. Even if he is a hood, I think he could really be a good guy, if he tried. He carried me for a few minutes longer and I fell asleep easily in his warm arms.

Soon Tim and Curly were walking through my front gate. They knocked on the door and my frantic mother answered the door. "Glory Jesus!" she wailed opening the door.

"Tim?" Dad said holding onto my mother. "Is she alright? Why are you carrying her? Where was she?"

"Mr. Curtis, she's fine. I'll explain everything as soon as I can set her down. Where should I…"

Soda waved him toward the couch, Tim set me down gently and examined the room. Everything looked the same as it always has except the people in it didn't look to happy, unusual for the Curtis family.

Darry was standing next to the arm chair he was resting in when Tim entered. Sodapop was sitting on the floor next to my sleeping body and Pony was standing next to him. Steve and Johnny were at the dining room table watching the Shepard boys closely. Steve giving Tim the stink eye from his spot, ready to pounce on him if necessary. My parents were huddled together next to Curly near the door. Dad trying to hold Mom from collapsing in a pile on the floor. Tim composed himself a little, straightening up and breathing out a sigh.

"Okay, Curly and I were walking back from dinner on the other side of town when we saw Lucy laying on the ground." Tim began walking over to my parents.

"First I made sure she wasn't hurt before I picked her up, she was fast asleep with no harm to her. We tried to wake her but she was _out_." Tim tried lightening the mood with a smile but it faded when he noticed that no one wanted to lighten it. Tim isn't someone to care but he could feel everyone's anxiety and he wanted to try and clear the air.

"Half way back to your house she woke up and told me she had gotten light headed during a run. Lucy said she laid down to rest and ended up falling asleep. Than not five minutes later she fell asleep again." Tim looked at the relief on my parents faces. Mom had stopped crying by now and was smiling thankfully at Tim and Curly.

"Thank you so much for bringing her home safely." She said hugging, cutting him off guard. When she pulled apart he shook my father's hand before nodding to the rest of the room. Him and Curly left out the front door in a rush. It seemed like the entire room had been holding their breath, everyone let out sighs randomly.

"Poor baby." Soda said looking at me. "She must have been so tired."

"Why didn't you guys run together?" Pony asked Darry, glaring at him a little.

"Don't look at me like that Ponyboy, it's no body's fault. It was an accident on her part."

"Well this wouldn't have happen if she didn't get all riled up about having to run." Pony hollered looking at Mom and Darry.

"Don't you holler at Mom and me like that, we are just thinking about what's best for her."

"Maybe she doesn't want…"

"SHUT UP!" Mom yelled.

"You mother's right, everyone needs to chill out. Beside your going to wake her up, lets let her sleep." Dad came across the room and picked me up in his arms. Making his way to my room to lay me down, looking at me the entire time. He came back in the living room after kissing me on the forehead.

"Maggie, its okay now, she's home now." My parents hugged after a moment than Dad went over to the phone. "I'm going to order pizza."

Soda jumped off the ground and hugged Pony jumping up and down, "EXTRA CHEESE!" the whole room shook with laughter. He can always make people feel better. The tension in the room automatically left after Soda said that.

I woke to the sound of belches in the next room. Than I heard Steve yell 'Good one Soda'. Rolling my eyes I slid out of bed making it squeak with the decrease of weight. I walked to my bedroom door and placed my head against it with my hand on the handle. How could I have been so irresponsible? I've never fallen asleep like that before, I must have worried the hell out of my family. A huge puddle of guilt was swooshing around in my stomach. Right when I was about to exit my room there was a small knock on it. I opened the door with a sheepish smile.

It was mom standing in front of me. "Hi, I thought you were awake. Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah, sorry about earlier. It was an accident, I wont be so foolish again. I'll try harder, I wont go off alone. I'm sorry. Don't worry, I'll try my best to get more sleep at night. I didn't…." Mom put up her hand when I wouldn't stop babbling.

"It's okay, your father told me about your hard week. I understand." she pulled me into an unexpected hug. Than as she pulled apart I pulled her back in.

"I love you." I said. She giggle and repeated the gesture. We both pulled apart.

"Ya hungry? Pizza?" I nodded and she pulled me into the dinning room. My brothers, father, Steve and Johnny were all laughing and having a good time. I wasn't surprised to see them like this, every time we get pizza they have this button that clicks in there head. It tells them that they are manly men that are aloud to be noisy; have belching contests, they should arm wrestle and insult each other in those manly man ways of theirs.

Mom said it's the smell of pizza that makes them crazy and the testosterone gets to their head. Even Dad joins in which just confirms what Mom says. But she doesn't know that why she isn't home and they order pizza I join in. What else am I going to do, sit and watch them have fun? No way. They don't tell Mom about it though because I'd get a lecture about not being girly enough. When we entered the room they quieted down as we sat. Mom got me a slice and placed it in front of me.

"Lu, how ya feelin?" Steve was the first to address me. "Well rested?"

"Yeah, sorry about…" I began to tell everyone that I was sorry just like I had with Mom but Dad interrupted me.

"Lucy girl, we understand. No need for apologies." he smiled. The rest of the meal contained me eating while everyone else talked. I would say a few thing here and there but I was still kinda tired. After I was finished with my two slices everyone helped clean up. Mom pulled me into the bathroom after we had done our part.

"Still want that hair cut?" she smiled.

"You know it." Mom told me to pull a chair in there while she fetched the scissors. I looked at all the boys in the living room, watching the TV intently.

"Last chance to go to the bathroom before we get started." I told them. They didn't look at me or acknowledge my presence so I pulled the chair in the bathroom. Mom was waiting for me. She closed the door and got to work.

"So how was work today?"

"Not so good, I was too worried about you to really focus on work."

"Sorry." I replied frowning.

"Its fine, I understand that you haven't slept well this week."

"I really haven't, but I'm sure that will change." I smiled at her in the mirror.

"I'm surprised Darry didn't say I told you so." she said smirking.

"What do you mean?" Mom giggled as she got in front of me to trim the front. When Mom cuts hair she does it well and doesn't take that long. She cuts everyone's hair in the family and in the gang, even though they hardly ever get one. My grandmother used to cut hair for a living so Mom learned how. She taught me but I'm not as good as her, and I can't do my own hair like she can.

"You're out of shape, admit it." I scoffed at her which made her giggle turn into a laugh.

"Okay, I'm out of shape."

"Are you going to start training so you are?" she asked.

"Why, there is not reason too." I frowned. "Sure I'm out of shape but I'm not fat or unhealthy."

"But gymnastics tryouts are only…"

"Forget about gymnastics Mom, its not going to happen EVER!" she frowned and was silent for a while. Than there was a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" Mom hummed.

"Ponyboy." he sounded urgent. "Let me in, I've gotta go."

"No we wont let you in." I said laughing with no remorse. "I warned you guys it was your last chance before Mom started my hair cut."

"I don't remember that." he whined.

"Well I did, and you guys were to busy watching TV. Its your own fault." I laughed.

"Fine! I'm going outside." my thirteen year old brother threatened through the door.

"Ponyboy Michael Curtis, you will wait your turn patiently. Do not go outside." Mom shot Pony's threat down.

He grunted and walked away from the door. Pony must have gone to watch TV again. Not ten minutes later did Mom finish. My hair looked better than it did, less of it in my face. I thanked her as I left the room, Pony rushed off the couch and into the bathroom when he saw me putting the chair back at the table. Mom went to her room where Dad was I assume and shut the door. I walked into the living room and the boys smiled at me.

"LUCY!" Soda yelled in joy.

"Hey babe." I said sitting in between him and Steve on the couch. Pony went and sat on the floor with Johnny who turned back to me.

"You look nice." Johnny said smiling.

"Thanks Cakes." I thanked returning the gesture.

The show we were watching I didn't really pay attention to but than Steve and Soda had turned on a scary movie. Darry bid us goodbye as he left out the door to meet his friends for midnight football. Since Darry has work all the time and his old friends had school and work during the day, they all get together once in a while to play midnight football. He usually comes home around two in the morning, I think its good for him. Darry works _way _to much for a nineteen year old, he should relax more often. Get a girl or something.

I wasn't sure what moving we were watching but it was beginning to freak me out. Johnny and Pony looked pretty spooked too but they wouldn't show it, it was "uncool". They needed to be tuff, but I really didn't care who saw me being scared.

The girl was running from her zombie step-father who was there to kill her family. Both her mother and older brother were slaughtered. Her younger sister was hiding in a closet calling 911 while she distracted him. As he lunged at her and cut her hand off I screamed jumping on Soda's lap, hiding my face in his shoulder.

I'm tough for a chick but I don't really enjoy scary movies, they just freak me out knowing, always have. Steve and Soda were laughing at me as I clenched to Soda like he would protect me from the film. Not a second later did Dally and Two-bit come through the front door. They greeted everyone while coming in.

Hearing Dally's cool voice I jumped off of Soda and ran for him. Dally was baffled when I hid behind him, clenching to his leather jacket on his back.

"Lucy, it's just a movie." Soda said laughing harder.

"Yeah but what if zombies come to eat us, or something." I whined hiding myself under Dally's arm. It didn't help that I was still tired, its harder to recognized how ridiculous I sound when I'm tired.

They laughed harder, Two-bit joined in this time. "Lucy there is no such thing as zombie step-fathers." Pony said chuckling with the group, the only ones not laughing were me and Dally. Dally doesn't laugh much in front of the gang anyway, hell not in front of me either.

"Besides Lu, do you really think that Dally would protect you from them? He would shove you at them and run his ass out of there." Two-bit laughed walking over to my empty spot on the couch. The group just continued to laugh as Dally led me into the kitchen. He poured me a glass of water after making sure the guys weren't looking.

"Don't listen to them Lu, I'd protect you from anything."

"I know ya would." I smiled at him thankfully. "I would kill and be killed for you Dally, hell I would do that for anyone I care about."

"You dig okay Lu." Dally said right before everyone came whooping into the kitchen.

"THAT WAS GREAT!" Soda said highfiving Steve.

"The best part was when he started eating himself because there was no one else in the house to devour!" Steve whooped as he came over to me. He was growling and pretending to eat his hand.

"Your impulsively obnoxious you know that." I said pushing him away playfully.

"LU WAS SCARED!" Two-bit laughed.

"So! What if I was, don't matter." I said pushing him too.

"I'm headed out, anyone wanna come with?" Dally offered headed toward the door.

"Where ya headed?" Two-bit said as he sipped on a glass of chocolate milk Soda gave him.

"Buck's maybe, see if I can't find myself some gals."

"I dig." Two-bit said headed out with Dally.

"Johnny, wanna come with?" Dally asked.

"Sure Dal, I'll come." the three boys were quickly out the door.

"Well, I'm going to see if Evie is still up." Steve said moving his eyebrows up and down. "See ya tomorrow."

"Night." I said with Soda and Pony.

"I'm headed to bed." Pony said waving us goodnight. Soda and I stared at each other for a few minutes as we sipped on water and chocolate milk.

"Sis." he said.

"Yeah."

"I don't know." again we were at lose of words. There was a strange feeling that we both were giving out, we could feel it between us.

"I felt it." he spoke pouring himself more chocolate milk.

"Felt what?"

"Yesterday, when you looked at me, I felt it. What was that?"

"I don't know, it was weird wasn't it." I said frowning.

"It sure was. I've never felt that way before." he said pondering to himself.

"I felt that way all week, but it got worse when Dad came in my room." I explained. "Like something bad was going to happen, I freaked out Soda."

"I know baby, but ya didn't have to run."

"Soda." I rolled my eyes. "I know that now, I just panicked I guess. You know me I run when it comes to something I can't handle."

"Yeah, something you can't handle by yourself. You should have told me earlier this week, I could have helped you."

"Soda, I'm going to bed." I hugged him tightly stopping the forming argument. "I'm always here for you."

"I know Luc, I love you."

"I love you too." we pulled apart and headed down the hall. He waved to me while entering his and Pony's room. I decided to see if Mom and Dad were still awake before I went to bed. Lightly I knocked on their door, Mom ushered me in with her voice. "Come in."

I smiled at my parents. Dad was falling asleep while Mom was reading. She reads to him out loud sometimes, its cute. "Do ya need something honey?"

"Just came to say goodnight." Dad waved me over to his side as he sat up. Its been a while since I said goodnight to them like this. The both of us hugged. I felt safe in his embrace, he smelled like toothpaste and warmth. Which is funny because I don't remember him leaving to brush his teeth, must have been when I was in the kitchen or something. We hugged for a while not daring to pull away first. I love my Daddy, he is amazing. Its sounds cheesy but He's the sun to my sky and the air I breath. Just like Mom.

"I love you Daddy." it felt strange but again I felt like I needed to say it.

"Lucy girl I'll love you now and forever." he told me just like he always does.

"Nighty night." finally we pulled apart and I went over to Mom's side. We didn't hesitate to embrace either. It felt like forever that we held onto each other.

"I love it when you give hugs like this." she said out loud. I could smell her perfume on her neck as we hugged. It smelled of flowers or I'm not sure, it smelled like her. She always wears the same perfume, I love that scent.

"I love you Ma." I could feel her arms tighten around me. She didn't say anything back but she pulled apart.

"Your getting more and more beautiful everyday." she cooed, I smiled.

"Beautiful like you." she smiled back.

"I love you my Lucy."

Without another word or a glance at my parents I left their room. I had a strange feeling in my stomach as I changed my clothes. It wasn't the dread or guilt. Warmth maybe, safety, security or love. That's what I felt but there was something else there that I couldn't describe. As I got in my bed I pushed the feeling away and thanked God for everything that I have.

Hopefully he can hear my thoughts and prayers, because if he can't than I've been wasting my time for the past eleven years of my life. Every night before bed I thank God or I ask for strength, tonight was no different. With sigh and a smile I got comfortable before falling into a fitful sleep, hoping the day will bring love and warmth like tonight did.


	6. Fight

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is the only think I own so far. ;) I might add more peoples later but yea I own nothing.**

* * *

**Living For**

_Fight_

The next morning I woke at seven. The sun was shining through my window warming my face. I felt great, the best I've felt all week. Well I guess it's a new week since is Sunday. With a smile I jumped off my bed and opened the top compartment of my dresser, than the second one. My smile grew, Mom must have done laundry yesterday. Grabbing some clean clothes I headed for the bathroom. The house was quiet except for the light snores coming from all the bedrooms. In the bathroom I stripped from my night clothes and jumped in the shower.

I breathed in the hot, steamy air, letting it clean my lungs. It felt so relaxing to be in the shower, I love them. After about fifteen minutes of washing and relaxing I got out, not wanting to waste water. With my hand I wiped off the fogged mirror and looked at myself. There was a smiling girl looking back at me, was I smiling? I guess I am, smiling about nothing.

After brushing my teeth I dried off more with the towel and pulled my clothes on. With an old pair of jeans and a white tank top I exited the bathroom with my dirty clothes. No one was awake yet when I got out. Two-bit was sitting on the couch watching Mickey though. He waved at me while I smiled and went back in my room. After a moment of picking a few things up I decided to make everyone a big breakfast. When I came out of my room Two-bit was still there on the couch. I went over to him smiling and sat down.

"Lu, your lookin good." he said winking.

"Thanks." I knew I didn't look great, but I was comfortable. Than I brushed through my hair with my hands before dripping water all over Two-bits jeans.

"Hey." he chuckled but made no move to stop me. "Wow, your in a really good mood aren't ya?"

"How do ya know?" I asked smiling really big.

"Because, I only get this really bad urge to hug you when your in an amazing mood." he laughed. "Everyone does."

"What are you talking about?" I laughed with him.

"Ask anyone Lu, if your in a good mood everyone wants to hug you." with another laugh I gave him a tight hug, and got off the couch.

"Feel better now?" I cooed.

"Hell yea I do."

"Want some breakfast? I'm cookin." he smiled wildly at me.

"Only if its your amazing pancakes and eggs."

"Only if I have a helper." I laughed, he didn't hesitate to turn the TV off and help me in the kitchen. That's sort of odd for Two-bit but maybe my mood had an effect on him.

The both of us prepared eggs and pancakes, well mostly me but he stirred stuff and set the table. No one was awake yet so I told him to help me wake everyone before the food was cold. He didn't listen and just sat at the table grinning, I crocked my eyebrow at him like he does to everyone else.

"There's not a women on Earth that can tell me what to do." I just rolled my eyes and laughed. Crazy little dude Two-bit is. My legs brought me to my parents room first, they were stirring awake when I entered. Dad smiled tiredly at me while sitting up.

"I made breakfast for everyone." I smiled. "So get up and eat before its cold."

My parents were already getting out of bed when I left. I slowly moved to Darry's room, hoping he would wake easily. When I entered his room he was laying on his stomach with his clothes from yesterday on. He must have gotten home late last night. I didn't want to wake him but I did because I wanted everyone to be together. My feet crouched down next to him bed while I placed a hand on his back.

"Brother? Wake sleeping beauty." I giggle when he slowly opened his eyes.

"What time is it?"

"Round eight. Come on I made breakfast." he smiled. I kissed his forehead before leaving him to wake up a little bit more. Next was Soda and Pony, they both are the hardest to get up so I usually end up jumping on the bed.

As I entered their room I looked at my sleeping brothers. They were both not wearing shirt and were sprawled out on the bed with Soda's arm around Pony's middle. I smiled at him, he has always been a cuddlier. Pony was drooling on his pillow while snoring lightly. I took my chance to wake them, I launched myself on the bed with a whoop.

"WAKE UP! WAKE UP!" with a loud cry I jumped up and down.

"Luc, go away." Soda said pushing me off the bed. I fell with a thud and a yelp. Immediately Sodapop and Ponyboy were on the floor next to me, looking down at me wide eyed.

"Luc, I'm so sorry. Are ya okay?" he frowned. All I could do was start laughing, they looked like they had seen a ghost. Than without warning I tackled the both for revenge. Pony got free and was standing near the door smiling at me and Soda. We wrestled for a while giggling before I had Soda pined, usually it's the other way around but I've been awake for an hour and he hasn't. This gives me the advantage and therefore I've pined him.

"Say uncle." I giggled.

"Fine, fine uncle." I let go and stood up.

"Girl you've gotten stronger." Soda panted walking out of the room. Everyone was waiting for the three of us at the table.

"Nah, your just tired." I winked at him while we sat down. After that everyone dug into their breakfast. To my surprise, by the end of the meal all the food was gone. When I started cleaning up they all shooed me away, I pulled Two-bit with me. We went out onto the front porch.

"It's going to be a nice day." I smiled sitting on the railing. Two-bit lighted a cigarette and leaned on the railing next to me.

"Sure is."

"Yeah, we should go play football today." he looked at me with laughter in his eyes.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, everyone hasn't played for a while and I want to do something."

"That's sounds like fun, we should."

"Mom and Dad are going on a picnic today so I'm sure that they wont mind up playing." I smiled at Two-bit who was staring at me. "What?"

"Oh nothin, just thinking." he smiled flicking his cigarette butt.

"About?" I inquired.

"Forget it. Hey, I'll see you at the lot at eleven. I'm going to get everyone together." he jumped off the steps after waving to me. I waved back and leaned on the pole to my left, watching my friend jog away.

I stayed outside for a while, just thinking about nothing. Letting my mind go blank for the first time in a long time. It felt refreshing to relax like that, letting the sun beam down on me. There wasn't much to think about anyway, I've thought about everything that is possible to think of all last week. There isn't anything else to ponder on. Before I knew it I had been out there for a while, I didn't really know how long though. Looking over my shoulder I saw Pony come outside. He leaned over the railing just as Two-bit a while ago.

"Whatcha doin out here all by your lonesome?"

"Oh just taking in the wonderful day." I smiled at my younger brother. He was one person I knew that could understand the beautiful of the day.

"Yeah, it sure is nice out. I love the fall." he smiled.

"Me too, all the colors of the leaves. Not to mention this weather is amazing. Warm but not cold, during the day at least." the both of us nodded in agreement. We just remained there in silence, enjoying each others company when Mom and Dad came out the front door.

"We're headed off for that picnic." Dad smiled walking over to the car.

"Have fun." I smiled. "Oh and if we aren't home when you get back, we're at the lot playing football." Dad nodded getting in the car, when Mom started walking back towards us.

"We are?" Pony asked looking at me.

"Yeah, Two-bit's getting everyone together and we're meeting them at eleven." I was really excited about the game, we haven't played for such a long time.

"No your not." Mom said. I whipped my head in her direction, looking at her in disbelief.

"And why the hell not?" I said jumping off the railing over to her.

"You know I hate it when you play with those boys, why don't you all go to a nice movie or something?" she started handing me money from her purse, I wouldn't take.

"Because its so nice outside and we haven't played football since last spring. It'll be fun. Aren't you the one that said I need to get out of the house and get in shape or whatever?" I threw her own words at her.

"I don't want to hear it Lucile, your not playing. I wont have you getting hurt." she raised her voice.

"Hurt? I never get hurt, I can hold my own Ma." I hollered back.

"Its not lady like to play football, you're growing up. You need to face facts about that. Go get some girlfriends and stop hanging out with your brothers' friends." we were yelling at each other, neither of us being right or wrong. I was getting so frustrated, where did this come from? She's never liked me playing football or wrestling around with the guys but she's never tried stopping me from doing it.

"For your information, they are my friends too. Besides I do have friend that are girls! Rocky and Natalia!"

"It's not like you ever see them in the first place. They aren't ladies if you think about it Lucile. Rochelle is a tramp from my understanding. Natalia has the sense of donkey. What about that one girl?" she hollered insulting my girls. Okay Rocky is a tramp but that doesn't give Mom the right to call her it. And Natalia if my best friend, she's more lady like than me.

"_MOTHER!_" I was appalled, Mom never insulted anyone. She was so understanding and caring. How could she say these things. When I tried to retort again she began to yell at me again.

"Why don't you hang out with Julie any more?"

"I haven't hung with her since freshman year." I could feel the look of disgust on my face.

"Why not? She was such a charming girl, you should join cheerleading and be with her on the team."

"Do you have any idea what she did to me? She stopped hanging out with _**ME**_because _**I**_ wasn't good enough for her or her friends. I'd rather eat cow testicles then ever be on the cheerleading team! _AND I'D RATHER DIE A THOUSAND DEATHS THAN EVER HANG OUT WITH JULIE HOLLAND EVER AGAIN!_" okay I admit, cow testicles was a bit much. But they were the first things that came to mind. I'm not thinking any more than she is, am I thinking at all before I speak?

"_LUCILE CURTIS! I FORBID YOU TO PLAY FOOTBALL TODAY AND EVERYDAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!_" what the hell? I gaped at her in disbelief. My eyes glanced over at Dad who was sharing a look with Pony. I looked behind me at Pony who was gaping at Dad.

"Lucile, you need to be more like a lady. You need to dress like a lady, stop wearing your brothers' clothes. Act your age and your gender. You need to grow up, and try something new. Join the gymnastics team, do cheerleading, choir even. Do something other than messing around with those boys." she wasn't yelling but she wasn't calm either. I felt tears forming in my eyes but I didn't let them fall. "_WHY DO YOU ACT LIKE THIS!?_"

"Well, I didn't know I was such a disappointment to you." calmly I said, she was silent.

"I hate you!" I yelled while turning and running back into the house.

Darry and Soda were watching from the window, they both looked over at me. I stopped as I entered and looked at them. Both looking a little shocked because Mom and I hardly ever fight. Our family rarely have fights at all, unless its between my siblings, but even just. After seeing there faces, I couldn't help but get madder. My legs dashed for my bedroom down the hall like the devil was after me. I locked the door and kicked my bed, than I grunted in frustration. My breathing was mighty fast as I looked out the window. Mom and Dad were driving down the street when I looked out. I was cursing up a storm and kicking my bed when I heard a knock on the door.

"GO AWAY!" I screamed.

"Luc, open the door." It was Soda but I knew that all three of my brothers would be standing outside my door. I breathed in some air as I looked at the clock. It was ten thirty, almost time to play football. Oh was I going to play football, if it was the last thing I'll ever do. She can't keep me from doing something that makes me happy. I hate her! I HATE HER! I screamed in my head.

"Lucy open the door." Pony said knocking on it.

"FUCK!" I hollered to myself. I haven't been this mad since I found Rocky with Curley that one time. If I opened that door who knows what I'd do. My emotions were everywhere, rage filled my veins. Really I couldn't help but pace back and forth, trying to calm myself down. The need to cry was close by but I wasn't going to let those tears fall. Not because of her, not because of that fight. My body was shaking with anger, it was uncontrollable. I could hear my brothers trying to reason with me to open the door, but the next time I open that door is if I'm headed out to play football.

Again I looked at the clock it was now ten forty, only ten minutes have passed. Those ten minutes felt like hours. I shoved my converse on after putting socks on and stood in the middle of my room for a second. With another take in of breath I composed myself enough to open the door. My face was hot and I was still shaking when I swung open the door. My brothers were looking worried at me when I slid passed them and into Darry's room. I gathered the football off the floor of his closet and made my way to the front door. They were staring at me.

"Are you coming or not?" I snarled.

"But Mom said that…" Pony started to say.

"_I DON'T GIVE ONE SHIT WHAT THAT WOMEN HAS TO SAY!_"I yelled stomping out the door. My brothers being who they are followed me.

"Luc, you don't mean that." Soda said to me.

"Shut up Soda!"

"You can't lie to me Lucy, I know that your not just angry but your hurt." Soda tried again to reason with me. I stopped in my tracks.

"That maybe true but at the moment I just want to play football. So if you the three of you care to join me lets go. If not then go home and leave me be." they came with me. The walk to the lot wasn't long but it did calm me down a little.

When the four of us got to the lot Dally, Johnny, Two-bit, Steve, Rocky and Natalia were all there waiting for us. I smiled, Two-bit asked my girls to play. Natalia and Rocky saw us than began to run toward us. They both tackled me into a hug, I laughed at them and hugged them back.

"We've miss you so much!" Rocky said pulling some of her dirty blond locks away from her face.

"We sure have!" Natalie said helping me off the ground.

"I've miss you too, sorry I haven't been around lately." after that we all swung our arms around each others shoulders. This was great, with all of us here we could play five on five. Darry and Soda were elected captains, Darry went first because he's older. Two-bit yelled out first before he could pick his first player.

"WAIT!" we all looked at him. "Lucy can't be on Soda's team because it wouldn't be fair."

"What are you talking about?" Soda said speaking for everyone.

"You know what I mean. You and Lucy can read each others thoughts so that wouldn't be fair to the rest of us."

"Two-bit, for the last time, we can't read each others thoughts." I said patting him on the shoulder.

"I bet you could if you tried!" he was smiling but also very serious.

"Fine if it will make you feel better." I went to stand next to Darry. He smiled at me with pride.

"I was going to pick you anyway." I slapped him on the back in a friendly way, beginning to forget about the fight. Soda picked Steve, Two-bit, Rocky, and Pony. Darry had picked me, Dally, Natalia, and Johnny.

We all lined up ready to play. Soda's team got the ball first because Darry picked first. Now usually when we play football Rocky and Natalia don't, they aren't invited. Its not that we don't want them to play because they are pretty good, its that we just never think of it. We usually play four on four, tackle of course.

Natalia is really fast, like Pony, the both of them are the fastest on our teams. I know that Natalia has been on the track team all through high school and Pony is thinking about joining. It's amazing how fast the two of them are. They usually aren't on the same team because of it, they both usually play as running back or as fullback. Sometimes they are even wide receivers but usually running back. Rocky and Johnny are both normally kickers or centers.

The rest of us are normally tackle or quarterback we really don't have positions, we just play. This time was no different, we were half way through the game now and it was twelve to eight, we were wining. The only reason they had eight was because Rocky tackled Johnny when he was possessing the ball in their end zone. They were lucky with getting a safety, we gave it to them. The next play was about to happen when Soda started to feel sick. He said he was dizzy and probably needed something to eat. I than offered to make everyone hot dogs and macaroni and cheese for lunch. Steve and Johnny accepted my offer but everyone else had plans.

Before heading home I made sure to give my girls hugs. I told them that we should hang out again sometime and that I missed them. After hugging them both I than reminded them that I'd always be there for them and if they needed me, all they had to do was ask. They nodded and told me not to be a stranger. After waving goodbye to Dallas and Two-bit I jogged to catch up with the guys.

We all cleaned up before we did anything else. I changed my clothes while the rest of them sorted through theirs. Pony giving Johnny a clean shirt and Soda giving Steve one. Darry was in the shower when I exited my room. Immediately I went to the kitchen to start lunch. It was just a little after two when I finished. Me and the guys all sat around the table eating our food.

"Thanks for making lunch Lucy Lou." Steve said while putting some macaroni on his plate.

"Yeah Lu, everything looks great." Pony agreed smiling.

"Soda are you feeling any better?" I asked already knowing the answer.

"Oh Yeah baby, I'm great." shoving a hot dog in his mouth. I knew better than that, he was feeling better but not all the way.

The six of us ate and talked idly, except me. I still couldn't get my mind off the fight with Mom. The disappointing face she held when she told me how much of a disgrace I was to her. How un lady like I am, that I needed to hang with girls instead of guys. If she thought that it was a problem she should have said something a long time ago, this is who I am. She is the only one who seems to have a problem with it.

Before I knew it we were all standing up from the table and cleaning up. Well Darry and Sodapop were while Steve watched. Pony, Johnny and me all went into the living room. My brother and friend went on the couch while I stood in the room, just observing I guess. All my boys looks happy, they were laughing. Pony and Johnny were talking quietly, those guys so quiet. Unlike Soda and Steve, its funny to watch them be in the same room being completely different from each other. Darry was staring at me I noticed. I smiled when I turned to him.

"What are ya doin?" he asked smiling back.

"I don't know, just looking around I guess." than was a knock on the screen door. Two police men were standing at the door. My heart sunk, hoping that they weren't looking for anyone. Hoping they weren't looking for Dallas. Darry went over to open the door for them as Soda and Steven entered the living room. Pony stood up and walked over next Soda. Steve was leaning against the wall next to the window.

Darry being the eldest approached the officer. "Can I help you officers?"

"Are you Darrel Curtis Junior?" one of them asked.

"Yes sir."

"My name is officer Lagoon and this is my partner, officer Davis. Are these your siblings Mr. Curtis?" the one on the right asked. He had a red mustache hiding his upper lip. His voice was deep and serious. I didn't know what to think at this point, nothing could cross my mind of why they were here besides they were looking for someone. Or that they were here to take someone to jail. But if they were here for that why did they need to know if we were related to Darry or not.

"These are my brothers Sodapop and Ponyboy." he pointed with an extended finger. "And this is my sister Lucy." The two looked at each other like he had given them fake names, I love my brothers names. Some people just can't appreciate originality.

"We're going to have to ask the other two gentlemen to leave." the officer on the left said. Officer Davis was it? His voice was even deeper than the other. He was much taller than his partner as well, his skin was darker too. They both were looking at Steve and Johnny like they were going to pull them out of our house themselves.

"Sir, what exactly is this about?" Darry asked ignoring their request. He look confused and concerned. But he stuck out his chest like he was strong and proud, trying to intimidate the officers a little. They didn't seem to notice though and I knew he was just doing that for confidence.

"We are here to deliver news to the Curtis family." Officer Davis said gesturing with his hand that we were the Curtis family.

"Officers, whatever you need say to us you can say in front of them." Darry said. "Besides my parents will be home any moment if you would like something to drink while you wait for them."

"Mr. Curtis I am sorry to inform you but this news is about your parents." Officer Lagoon replied. Darry than took a step forward, inquiring.

"What do you mean?" He almost hollered.

"I think you all might want to sit down first." Davis said. Darry went over to the armchair to sit down. Soda went over to the couch with Johnny but Pony and I stayed standing. Darry tried to usher me to sit with him but I shook my head refusing. I don't know what to expect them to say.

"The both of us are very apologetic and apathetic that we have to tell you this information."

"Please sir, what is it?" Soda said getting impatient.

"Darrel Curtis and Margret Curtis have both passed away this afternoon." Davis said with a look sympathy.


	7. Now and Forever

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is the only think I own so far. ;) I might add more peoples later but yea I own nothing.

* * *

**Living For**

_Now and Forever_

"Darrel Curtis and Margret Curtis have both passed away this afternoon." Davis said with a look of sympathy. I wanted to knock it right of his face. The room was particularly silent for such news as this, it made my ears ring.

No, no, no, NO! He was lying. They were lying! Why would they joke about something like that? My face was red, my ears were hot. My legs were tight, getting ready to launch at the officers. Steve must have noticed my anger because he walked over to me and grabbed my shoulder. Immediately I came out of my head and was back in the room.

Steve had a few tears forming in his eyes when I looked back at him, it had been the third time I've ever seen him "cry". Finally I could hear the noises in the room. There was deep long sobs of anguish, I could hear horrifying screams mixed in with them. Someone was also chanting the word no, followed by many different variations of curse words. My head turned a little bit more and I saw my younger brother on his knees. Crumbled on the floor with his hand clenched to his shirt. Sodapop was hugging him while rocking back and forth, also crying loudly. He was clenching onto Pony like he was going to disappear out of thin air.

Ponyboy was screaming like he was in unbearable pain. Soda was shaking with sobs, he glanced up at me but I turned away. I noticed that I was not crying, I was not screaming. No sobs were coming from inside me and bursting through my mouth. Darry kept saying no and cursing loudly, shaking his head in denial. Johnny was shaking his head in his hands. Even my friends were weeping for my parents. Why wasn't I?

Darry leapt from the chair and began to walk toward the officers. He didn't say anything at first so I went to his side. I grabbed his left hand, secretly giving him the strength to ask for the truth. Brother looked at me immediately and gave me a strange look almost like he was asking why I wasn't crying. I'm numb. I can't feel anything, I have to detach myself from the world until I can handle this. A single tear slid down his cheek as he looked into my eyes, the eyes of an emotionless girl. With my thumb I brushed the tear away before squeezing his hand, he turned to the officers.

"What happened?"

"They were in an automobile accident around one thirty, their car was hit by the train." Lagoon answered and Davis picked up.

"We are unsure of how they were struck because there were no witnesses. The car was hit on the passenger side, killing Margret instantly." Ponyboy began to scream louder after hearing that. Darry let go of my hand and crouched down with Soda and Pony. The three of them were huddled together shushing each other and rocking back and forth. I guess its up to me to get the rest of the information. Okay Lucy, take a deep breath and just asked.

"And my father?" after the small pep talk I asked them with a stern face.

"Darrel was bleeding internally when the ambulance arrived on scene. He cracked his skull on the drivers window upon impact and his brain was severely damaged. He was pronounced dead at one fifty six on the way to the hospital. I'm so sorry, the EMTs did everything they could." Soda and Pony were being shushed by Darry now. He was telling them everything would be okay and that it was alright. I don't know about them but I was dieing inside, my heart was burning but I kept it together.

"We are both very sorry for your losses. It was such a freak accident, no one could have prevented it." Davis said putting on his sunglasses before leaving through the door. Lagoon lingered staring down at me with a little disgust. Probably thinking I had no heart because I was not upset. I was not upset on the outside but on the inside I was crushed. There was a hole being punched threw my lungs and beating me down to the core.

"Can you pass this on to your older brother Darrel?" he handed me a small stack of papers.

"What's this?" I nodded.

"We are temporarily putting your brother in full custody of you and your brothers. After all funeral plans are arranged, we will call you for your court date. The trial will be discussing who will eventually get full custody of you children." he informed me and started out the door.

"What are you talking about? We will be fine with Darry, he will take care of us!" I hollered following him out the door. "There is no need for a trail, we need to be together. Our parents just died for Christ sake!"

"It is not up to me who you are to live with, that's up to the judge. Good luck kid." Lagoon said getting into his car with Davis riding shot gun. Who we will be living with? We have no family, just us now. Boy home or girls home? Screw that, I'll run the hell out of Tulsa before I'm ever put in a girls home.

Steve was holding the screen door open for me. I rushed past him in the house. My brothers were still on the floor sobbing with each other, except Darry. I knew he wouldn't let himself cry, he was too proud. I want to cry, it hurt me so bad that I wasn't. My limbs began to shake with rage. I started going insane.

The papers that Lagoon gave me were thrown on the floor. I kicked the wall and punched it than grunted in frustration. Why the hell did this happen to us? Why did it happen to me? Why weren't Mom and Dad ever coming home again!? I screamed in my head. As I paced back and forth, Steve hovered over me. I wanted to tell him to go away but didn't.

I plopped on the floor across from Pony, I wrapped my arms around Darry's and Soda's shoulders. Giving them comfort even though I needed some too. But I wouldn't let them see that, I needed to be there for them. We were all like that for a long while, Soda and Pony crying while Darry and I tried calming them down. Eventually Pony fell asleep from exhaustion and once he was quiet so was Soda. Kissing all of them on the forehead I got off the floor. Johnny had left but Steve was at the table talking with Two-bit. I don't remember him coming in, but here he was. When I stood there for a moment staring at them, they both finally noticed me. Two-bit jumped up from his chair but made no move toward me.

Darry was the next to stand up, he brought Pony with him. With Soda in toe, Darry carried Pony to his bed. My three brother disappeared into the hallway. This was it, the big time. The huge thing in life that will never be taken away from a person, death. It's a disease and has no purpose but to kill everyone inside that is living. Sure some people can have nine lives like a cat but eventually they will parish. Its inevitable and its DUMB! Two-bit and Steve both were headed toward me now.

Two-bit reached me first, he went to bring me into a hug but I dodged him. I ran to the only place I knew that I could feel them again, their room. The numb feeling with leave if I could feel them, hug them. My legs made long strides toward the room, with a heavy heart I let myself in. Quickly I shut the door behind me and tried to lock it. Than I remembered that the lock had been broken for over a year and Dad was meaning to fix it.

As I turned the light on, tears began to form in my eyes. I was alone now, the emotions could be freed. Hastily I got on the other side of my parents dresser and began to push. Sobs were escaping me while I pushed. Giant heaves of grief burst from my lips. With on last push, the huge dresser was blocking the door. Blocking the world from me. I fell to the ground and pounded my fists on my head. Pulling out some of my hair in the process, I didn't care.

I crawled over to the front of the dresser, I stood up on my knees looking their stuff over. With shaky fingers I pulled open my Dad's top drawer knowing I would find his plaid shirts. The first on I saw I pulled out, quickly shutting the compartment. The shirt was soft like I remember them. My arms brought the fabric to my chest, I hugged the shirt tightly like I was embracing the man himself. More and more sobs sounded through room, they made the room heavy. After five minutes of hugging, I caressed my face with the garment.

Without thinking I tossed the shirt on the bed, then I ripped my tank top off. The strap broke and I was wrestling with it, pulling it over my head. I stood there staring at my father's shirt in just a bra and jeans. My lips let out a moan of pain when I looked at the shirt, it was his shirt. I turned away from it and looked over the top of the dresser. Mom's jewelry was in a tiny box on the left side, next to her perfume bottles. With shaky unstable hands I grabbed her chain necklace. In the middle of it was a heart with the word Forever engraved on it. The longer I look at the lettering the more I could see my father's hand writing, the more I remember a far off memory.

This was given to her from Dad on their anniversary last year. If not last year than the year before that. I put the necklace over my head and clenched the heart in my hands. Tears were rolling down my cheeks and onto the dresser I was leaning on. The perfume was the next thing I picked up, after a moment of hesitation I sprayed it over my skin. Letting it soak in after one spray, two spray, three. I set the bottle down gently and turned back around to face my fathers shirt.

It was sad to look at. I could imagine him laying there on the bed with in on. Him sprawled out in the middle giving Mom no room to lay down with him. He would always joke like, I could hear her laughter in the back of my mind. A scream escaped my lips knowing I would never hear that laughter again. Dad's shirt was on me before I knew I had grabbed it. Hastily I buttoned it up, missing a few of the bottoms and messing the whole on the way up. After it was "buttoned" I fell on the bed.

It's worse knowing that I could have done something. The feeling of dread, that's what it was pointing too. God was giving me a warning, all I did with that warning was shove it up my ass and fought with Mom. Is that how I should repay the lord for giving me a warning. Or repay Mom for being the best that she knew she could be. She is the best mom, she was the best mom. It's hard to put her into a past tense sentences, speaking, thinking of her in past tense.

Breaking down came easy for me, even though I didn't do it often. More screams were sounded throughout the room. Loud horrifying sobs of a hurt sole poured out of my heart. I was too busy letting out everything to notice that there was pounding on the door. My hands were clenching onto the shirt like it was going to jump off my body and leave me naked. Even though the pounded had gotten louder I made no move toward the door. The pounding stopped and turned into knocks with Darry's voice.

"Baby girl, let us in." I sobbed louder not wanting to hear his voice. He sounded so much like Dad. Than there was a fear creeping down my spine, what if I had too look at him. How could I look at my living brother that looks exactly like my dead father? It was hardly plausible, it just couldn't be done. Well it could but not right now, not while I'm like this.

"Lucy? It's Soda let us in." he looked more like Mom but acted like Dad. This is horrifying, how could they live with themselves when they are just like them. I'm somewhat glad that I hardly act or look like either of them. I wont have to look in the mirror and see them looking back. I could hear loud thuds on the door, they must be trying to break the door down.

"Wait a minute, your going to break the door." Darry ordered. Than there were a few clicks on the door knob. I paid not attention to them. My head was being banged on with my fists, screaming sharply trying to stop the thoughts. The painful memories of them. Maybe if I pass out I wont think about them. I pounded harder on my head desperately trying to knock myself out. With a huge shove Darry, Soda, Two-bit and Steve shuffled into the room.

Immediately Darry jumped onto the bed trying to grab my fists. I felt liquid on my temples, was I bleeding? He smelled like him. I never noticed that. Like warmth. That's the only way I could think of to describe it, warmth.

Darry had my wrists in one hand. Soda was trying to hug me or I really don't know. I was struggling to much to really understand what they were saying. Finally I slipped away from them and was standing over the bed staring at them. Tears were in Soda's eyes and Darry looked on the brink of falling over from grief.

Looking at them made a funny feeling in my stomach, I was going to vomit. I was sure of it. The slimy burning liquid was rising in my throat. Could I really be this upset? So upset that I was going to loose my stomach, I gagged making a dash out of the room. Covering my mouth with my hands I ran past Steve and Two-bit. Thankfully the bathroom door had a lock and I had just enough time to fasten the door shut. After building a wall against the world I fell to the floor and heaved out my lunch. Screaming the entire time, calling out for my mother.

After I was sure I was done, I cleaned my mouth off and brushed my teeth. I brushed twice and than cleaned the toilet after flushing. My deed was done and I leaned against the bath tub panting. It was silent outside of the door except for a few whispers. My mind began to wander a little as I cried some more.

I began to remember the last time I had thrown up, Mom had stayed up with me in the living room all night. That was just two years ago, I miss her. She was alive this morning, we had a fight. I realized something worst than her dieing. Worst than me dieing, worst than the world ending in flame. The last words I ever said to my mother were 'I hate you.' Not only did I say them, I screamed them. She just wanted what was best for me and I threw that shit back in her face instead. Instead I should have been thankful to her.

"I don't hate you!" I whispered. Than I screamed. "_I DON'T HATE!_" again I was becoming hysterical. My mouth just kept repeating the words, 'I don't hate you, I'm sorry! I love you!'

While chanting those words to myself I stood up. I had to tell her, I had to let her know I loved her. Somehow, I have to find a way. If it's the last thing I ever do, I have to tell her. She's gone forever but I will find a way. With determination and tears in my eyes I opened the bathroom door ready to run for it.

My legs made a quick dash for the front door, I heard a few apposing yells but I kept going. I was out the front door and being pursued so I quickened my pace. Who ever was chasing me was long gone by the time I got to the park.

My breathing was heavy and my chest hurt but I didn't rest. It was mighty dark outside, a think blanket of black surrounded me. Even in Dad's shirt and my jeans I was cold. I was in such a rush to leave that I forgot to get shoes, who needs them anyway. All I need is my mother, I need to tell her. By this time I had stopped my weeping and was going in circles. My feet just kept walking, eventually I passed Rocky's house. Than a few houses down I was passing Natalia's place. For a moment I stopped, almost going in but decided to keep going. This needed to be done, I needed to make them a memorial or something. Lots of ideas raced through my mind but none seemed…enough. They deserved everything but I couldn't give them that.

My head was throbbing, so were my feet. I think they were bleeding, I might have stepped on something. At this point I wouldn't give a rats ass what happened to me, I have to deliver my message to my mother and father. Subconsciously I was headed toward the train tracks, I noticed this after passing Buck's place. I'm not sure how long I was walking but finally I made it to the old train tracks. These tracks went through the entire state and stopped along the boarder somewhere. The road passes right over the tracks around here, it's the only place I'd think they would have driven. They usually went on this side of town for their picnics.

It was all cleaned up. Nothing was left, all that was in view from the crash was a few pieces of scrap metal and rubber. I could almost see the car getting hit, hear the sound of the impact. My mothers cries of horror for my Dad to pull forward. Or Dad trying to start the engine. How could this have happened, Davis was right it was a freak accident. But that doesn't mean I still can't find a way to Mom and Dad. Than I saw it as I approached the track. In the street light I could see it plain as day, blood. They cleaned up everything except the blood of my parents demise.

I crouched next to it, there was glass and metal around the area of liquid. My hand leaned into it, the substance had dried. Only a light red dust was being picked up onto my skin. This was the place I was going to write the a message. Who knows if they will ever get it, but I have to try.

I'm thinking crazy now, I know I am. I don't care though. If there is a person on this planet that doesn't go insane over death than they must be really chill or heartless. I've only had three people die in my life time. My Grandmother, on my mother's side, she passed when I was seven. It was a tragic day and I remember crying a lot that night. Not letting anyone see a tear be shed, but now I can't hold it in anymore. The other two that have died…are my parents.

My hands wrapped around the hole in my jeans, and pulled. The jean hole grew in size and I searched for a shard of glass. The perfect one was to my left, I didn't hesitate to grab it. Soon I was shakily carving into my leg. I winced but didn't cry. During the entire thing I made no noise of pain. The only pain that truly mattered now was the pain that I felt for my parents. This pain was for them but it was not because of them, I've brought this on myself.

Blood dripped everywhere but I didn't care, it was meant to drip. My hand and upper arm were covered in it from my leg. In the four fingers that I held the small shard bled as well. They were cut on the tips and getting deeper with every letter I traced into my skin. Insane is exactly what I am. I tossed the shard away and looked over my work.

I love you

Now and Forever

M + D

No more tears, I told myself. Not now anyway. Be strong and fight through this. My legs stood up and I felt the pain full on with my full weight. But I kept walking, I walked right back into the dark that I had come from. With my head held high, feeling no remorse while my leg bled like a mother fucker, I walked on.

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Thanks for the support everyone. Please let me know how I'm doing :D


	8. Pants on Fire

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is the only think I own so far. ;) I might add more peoples later but yea I own nothing.

A/N: Hi everyone, I'd like to take a second to thank you for your reviews. It helps to know that everyone is enjoying my story, gives me motivation to update faster :D Please feel free to tell me what you think. I appreciate all feed back.

-Kathrine

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**Living For**

_Pants on Fire_

No more tears, I told myself. Not now anyway. Be strong and fight through this. My legs stood up and I felt the pain full on with the pressure. But I kept walking, I walked right back into the dark that I had come from. With my head held high, feeling no remorse while my leg bled like a mother fucker, I walked on.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to go home yet. Sure my leg was bleeding and my fingers but I just needed more time. A few times I thought about skipping town, turning around and never coming back. That would have been stupid to do. It wouldn't be fair to my brothers, or my parents. They wouldn't want me to run from my problems like I usually do.

They would have me face my fears, I have nothing to fear now. With my parents gone, there isn't much for me to worry about, except my brothers. I could die tomorrow and not care. My family is all that I have now, the gang and my brothers. That's why I need to keep going, even though I don't want to. Life will be so much harder without them. It will be the most difficult thing I will ever have to do, live.

The darkness was turning into a orange quickly. My leg was still bleeding but only with little trickles of blood. With every swing of my left leg, more pain shot threw my body. It was worth it though, after doing it I felt better. Even though I knew the storm was far from over. This experience will allow me to be there for my brothers. They are what matters now, I can wait to heal myself. I was in the park now, I'm not sure how I got there but I was. During the walk I don't remember passing; Buck's, Natalia's or Rocky's house. There must have been a different rout I took or I just didn't pay attention.

In the middle of the park there is a fountain, I walked over to it. On the edge of the fountain I sat, it felt nice to rest even though I knew in a few minutes I would have to stand up again. The sun was out in the sky fully now and I could see everything clearly. The water in the fountain was clear as I peered into it. If I cared enough I would have gasped at the reflection staring back at me.

This girl in the water was pale white. So white her skin reflected the sun like the water did, blinding you with a bursting light. She touched her face with her right hand, with scabs on her finger tips. The girl's hand had dried blood running down her hand and disappearing into her sleeve. Her eyes were hollow. They lacked meaning and emotion. They were silver pools of nothingness. Giant, deep, dark bags of exhaustion hung under them. Her hair was disheveled and her temples were bruised with red and blue. She was an outer shell of what used to be, this girl was me.

It's tough to believe that I looked like this, though it was also expected. Was it normal to look like this? Probably not, but who ever said I was normal. My gaze went from the pool of water to my left leg. It had finally stopped bleeding. No longer leaking red, but still leaking pain into my nerves. I traced the letters with my scabbed finger. They heard my message, than I smiled. They heard it but they are throwing a fit about me cutting myself up. Mom would have scolded me days on end. Dad would have wrapped my leg up extra tight and with extra gauze. My face went to rest as I looked over my legs.

My jeans were stained for life now, just like my skin is scared forever. Good thing its high enough on my thigh so I that I can still wear shorts. It wasn't in big lettering either, just big enough to get my message across. The cuts were deep though, I wanted it that way. What would my brothers say when they saw this. They wouldn't understand, no one will understand why I did this. In fact they would probably be so freaked out that they would send me away to a nut house. Or a shrink of some sort. I knew my time was limited because they were probably out looking for me, and calling people. I needed to get cleaned up before someone found me.

As I stood up I thought of my options, and they were scarce. I could go to Natalia's house. No, Soda would have called her first, besides she would make a fuss about all the blood. Really I don't see the big deal, especially since I've stopped bleeding. Rocky was out because she would rat me out. Maybe I could bum a pair of pants from Buck's place. Dally would call Darry if I showed up and he was there so that was out. Two-bit? He would freak out. Damn it, I have no where to go.

Now that I had no where to go and no one to turn to, I decided to head to school as a last resort. It was Monday right? Yeah Monday, my parents died on a Sunday. My parents died yesterday. Darry might have told the school about their death, and called my brothers in "sick". That would have Two-bit, Steve and Johnny there but I could dodge them easily. They might not even be there, they might be out looking for me. Or they might be grieving like my family. I don't really know but it doesn't matter if they are or aren't there. If Darry told the school, than maybe he told them I was "missing" too. I'd have to stay out of sight, all I needed to do was get into my gym locker for some shorts.

When I got to school everyone was filing into the building because the final bell had rung. Before I crossed the school yards I waited a few minutes before going around to the back. The field is right next to the gym so I went over there. I hid myself behind the bleachers until I saw that everyone was going on the field for warm ups in first period gym. Johnny has first period gym, I better keep an eye out for him. The students all lined up and were stretching so I took my chance to sneak past them. It was easy and I hardly paid any attention to hiding myself. They didn't seem to notice me so I made the last ten feet to the gymnasium in no rush. Johnny was no where is sight so I didn't have to worry.

Quietly I glided barefoot to the locker rooms on the other side of the gym. Inside the locker room it smelled like cheap perfume and sweat. It makes me a little dizzy every time I come in here, I hate the girl's locker room. Well I guess I'd like it better than the boys, theirs must be a though sand times worse. I debated with myself on whether to lock the door and eventually decided against it. I would only be there a short while. Besides I've always thought it was stupid how they have a lock on the inside of the locker room. You never know what teenagers would do behind locked doors.

There are twelve rows of lockers, they all have a gross reddish yellow paint on them. I went to row ten and walked all the way down to the last locker, my locker. Putting in the combo was easy, I've had the same locker in gym for two years. Pulling the door open I grabbed the gym shorts inside and a towel.

Since I was already in there I might as well clean up a little, who knows when I'll decide to go home. Before closing the door to the locker I checked the clock, I had forty minutes until the next hour. Thirty minutes before they came back in. That's plenty of time to shower. I stripped off my clothes, putting my Dad's shirt on the hanger of my locker. The rest were put in a pile and my bloody jeans off to the side.

The showers have walls in between each shower head but no doors, I always thought that to be pointless. Why just walls, everyone can still see your ass. The farthest shower on the right side was the one I went to. As usual the water was freezing cold but it was nice on my tender skin. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten my hair wet, but I did anyway. I might get sick after this but I don't care. There isn't much I care about anymore. Passive is one of my traits, I've always been that way. More than usual after they're gone. Maybe a better word for it would be reckless or stupid.

Today wasn't like yesterday, it was completely different. The air wasn't as warm, it was cold and misty out. Maybe it will never be like that ever again, the nice weather died along with my parents. Hot tears fell through the cool mist of the shower. The water shut off and I wrapped the towel around my torso. Shakily I went to the side of my locker, I sat on the bench.

I curled my torso onto my thighs leaning forward. Rocking back and forth I tried pulling myself together. Little whimpers and sobs echoed the locker room. Glancing at the clock I realized that I had been in there for thirty minutes, with tears streaming down my face I pulled my underwear on. Than my shorts and just as I put my arms in Dad's shirt the locker room door opened.

Giggling and talking girls shuffled into the room, I held my breath. Quickly and more efficiently I buttoned the plaid shirt. Silently I closed my locker door and peeked around the lockers, non of them knew I was in here. Than I went backwards into the row of lockers, hiding behind one of them.

Hopefully they wouldn't see me as they walked to get to their showers and dressed. Then minutes passed and I wasn't caught by any of them. The bell rang and they all screamed hurrying to get out the door. Soon they were all gone and I hastily grabbed the blood stained jeans than tried for the door.

Before I could get to it, it swung open. I pretended to be walking in the room, in front of them. None of the girl noticed I had already been there. Again I took my place behind a row of lockers, this time farther away from them in row twelve. They all undressed while more girls came in. All of them had gone to class quickly after they arrived.

Letting out a breath that I had been holding I let more tears fall from my eyes, silently they fell from my silver orbs. As I left I searched the girls purses for a weed and a light. The second bag I looked in had it, I put the pack of matches into the front pocket of the shirt along with two cancer sticks.

With jeans in hand I left the way I came. But I stopped in my tracks when I saw the teens all stretching inside the gym. Thankfully they had there backs to me as did the teachers. Silently with agile feet I made it over to the nearest exit. Once I was outside I let myself sob quietly against the wall, than I heard the door open next to me. Panic boiled threw my veins as Steve Randle stepped out of the doors. Quickly I sucked my tears and emotions back into my sole.

For a few moment he stared at me, looking me over not saying a word. His face looked angered, relieved and surprised. We just stood there, not speaking. I didn't want to talk, I wanted to leave and burn these jeans. Mute was the way I would respond, unemotional as my mask. When he wouldn't say anything I dropped the jeans to the ground. Smoothly I pulled the cigarette from the front pocket and the match book. Placing it in between my lips I lit my cig than put the match book back in the pocket.

"You look horrible." Finally Steve found his voice. But I couldn't find mine so I nodded in agreement knowing that I look like shit.

"We've been real worried about ya Lucy." surprisingly he wasn't yelling. I would have imagined he would be scolding me for running away. He sure did look angry though. Again I nodded knowing that they were.

"Where ya been?" Greaaat! A question, now I'd have to speak. Even though I should have answered him I just ignored him taking a drag of the cig. For an offering of apology I pulled the other cig out and shoved it in the air at him. He gladly took it and a match. We silently smoked with each other.

"Where are your shoes?" he asked. I looked down at my tender, scrapped feet. I shrugged and took another drag. Inhaling and letting it soak into my lungs than I exhaling smoothly.

"So your not going to talk to me?" I shook my head. As I took one last drag, than grounded the cig into the wall putting it out. Than I picked up the jeans, making sure to hid the stains and started to walk off.

"No way am I letting you leave by yourself." he started walking next to me. So I turned to him and dropped the jeans. Steve just didn't understand that I wanted to be alone. I NEEDED to be alone. Out of frustrations and stupidity I pushed Steve. He looked at me like I had stabbed him but he made no reaction to leave me alone. So I pushed him again, this time shoved him toward the gymnasium.

"Lucy, just let me give you a ride home. Your brothers have been out looking for you all night. So have I and the gang, please just go home." I nodded and put one finger in the air. Hopefully he understood that I would go home after one last thing.

"I'm going to call your brothers when I get back into the gym, you know that right?" again I nodded. As I picked up the jeans I waved to him. Walking away I didn't look back, crying silently as I walked toward the far off woods.

Steve immediately broke into a run toward the gym, he dashed across the gym floor. He went through a pair of doors not even glancing over at his class. No one was in the hallways as he ran toward the office, once inside he was panting heavily.

"I need to use a phone please. Privately." he stated more than asked. The lady at the desk ushered him into a room with a desk and phone. This office was empty and from the look she gave him, he knew she understood this was urgent. The lady left him alone in the room closing the door behind her. Steve dialed my house number quickly and tapped his knee impatiently as he sat in the office chair. Finally someone picked up.

"Hello?" It was Ponyboy. He sounded hoarse and tired.

"Pony, I need to talk to Darry." Steve ordered. He knew better than to tell a little kid what information he had. Besides Steve wasn't very fond of Pony.

"Who's this?"

"Its Steve, now go get him for me would ya." he was practically shouting at Pony.

"He's out looking for Lucy still." Pony said crying a little bit in his voice.

"Go run and get him for me."

"Why should I? What if she comes home and I'm not….." he whined into the phone.

"Ponyboy go get Darry or hell even Soda. Hurry the hell up." Steven commanded rudely.

"Okay." Pony said. "Stay on the line."

Steve waited clenching the phone in his hands, pressing it against his face. Impatiently he tapped his leg up and down. He glanced at the clock every minute, eight minutes have passed now. Finally there was a voice on the other end.

"Steve? It's Darry."

"Darry, I saw Lucy." finally he was able to deliver his news. He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

"Where?! Was she alright? WHY DID YOU LET HER OUT OF YOUR SIGHT!?" Darry's concern quickly turned into rage.

"Calm down buddy, she was here at school. I saw her sneaking out of the girls locker room and followed her outside." Steve tried soothing his friends worries.

"I'm not sure if she's okay, she wouldn't speak to me. Not to mention she was smoking, the last time I saw her smoke was when Johnny got beat up a few months ago."

"Why didn't you bring her home?" Darry snarled at Steve.

"It seemed like she needed to be alone Dar, she pushed me. I have a feeling she'll be home soon anyway."

"If she isn't home by the end of the day, I'm blaming you Steven." Darry yelled hanging up the phone. Steve began to regret letting me go off alone. But he went back to gym anyway, thinking about how horrible I looked. Kicking himself for the rest of the day.

I knew Steve had called Darry. But I didn't care, I'll go home after I'm done. As I entered the wood I began to gather sticks and foliage to start my fire. Kneeling on the ground I lit a match and threw it into the pile. It didn't light right away so I lightly blew on the sticks and it caught fire. I ripped the pants and burned them piece by piece. Letting the smoke rise higher and higher. Tears fled my eyes and I laid on the ground next to the fire. I still had half a pant leg left but I decided to keep it. On the ground I sobbed to myself. I sobbed to the forest. Letting the trees hear my cries of pain.

I was hollow around people, a shell of nothing. Your weak Lucy, a voice in my head told me. So weak you can't bring yourself to go home. Your such a fool, your so selfish. The words of scolding continued as I screamed. My lungs screamed for my mother and father. Screamed for the voice to shut up. Hollering for the pain to go away. The pain that was in my chest and head. I'd take physical pain over emotional pain any day. Dusting myself off I put out the small fire with the pant leg.

Instantly the flame was put to rest and I began to walk out of the wood. Sobbing all the while. I walked past the school on my rout home. Composing myself for when I walk through the front door. My feet brought me past the DX station.

Soon I was standing in front of the house. My house, my home. As I went through the gate I could hear sobbing from inside. It made me want to turn around and go back to the wood. But I couldn't do that, I had to be strong now. Emotionless, speechless, but not heartless. With an intake of breath I pulled my courage out and walked up the steps. The screen door was in reach so I let myself in. The first thing I did was look at the clock, it was eleven sixteen, the second thing I did was scan the room.

My legs went weak at the sight of my younger brother crying by himself on the couch. He looked up at me surprised and relieved. Ignoring my weak limbs I tossed the pant leg on the coffee table and sat next to him. Pony looked me over just as Steve did and started crying harder. I pulled him onto my lap, wincing from his weight on my cuts but ignoring my body's objection. He put his head in the crook of my neck and leaned into my body. Sure he was too old to be held like this but he needed comforting. Wrapping my arms around his middle I rocked him with my head on his. Humming to him the entire time.

I hummed to him with a soothing tone. The tune was something my mother would hum to him when he was upset. She hummed to everyone when they cried. Mother would hum when she was happy, and sad. Even when she was angry she would hum. Everyone had a song she would hum when they were sad. Mine was Bridge Over Troubled Waters by Simon and Garfunkel. They weren't famous singers but she had heard them at a club once when she was pregnant with me and Soda. She told me they were going to get super famous on day, I wish she could see them become known.

Pony's song is All I Have To Do Is Dream by the Everly Brothers. I hummed it a few times before he finally calmed down. He was only hiccupping now, I'm pretty sure he was falling asleep. Glancing at the clock I realized that we had been sitting there for over two hours. Pony had fallen asleep by now and I slid him onto the couch. I laid him down onto his stomach and draped a blanket from the armchair over him.

Than I used the bathroom, I hadn't gone for such a long while. As I washed my hands I looked at the shell of a girl again. She didn't change much since I took a glance at her at the fountain. Her hair was a lot nicer now though, just a little damp but plenty dry. Small waves of brown and silver draped over her shoulders. The bags under her eyes were darker than before but her pale skin was slightly grayer. This girl wore a frown upon her features as she looked back at me.

After I finished cleaning my hands I washed my feet off in the bath tub. Dirt and blood ran down the drain. They looked worse than they were when they're dirty. They felt worse than they looked too. As I dried my toes I decided that if I ate something I might feel better. I might get more color in my face. Even though I wasn't hungry I ate a banana and drank a glass of milk. By the time I was done I felt more energized but my stomach hurt. This nauseous feeling was strong, the need to vomit was strong.

The screen door opened and in walked Soda and Darry. They looked exhausted and worn but neither of them looked as frightful as the girl in the mirror. As I walked into the living room where they stood, they whispered to each other trying not to wake Pony. Neither of them noticed me.

"Good he's finally asleep." Soda murmured.

"Yeah at least he is resting. Speaking of it you should go lay down yourself." Darry told Soda.

"I don't want to, not until Lucy is home." I wanted to tell him I was home and that he should rest but nothing come out of my mouth. Instead I knocked on the table lightly. Both of my older brothers whipped there heads around in my direction. What was I to say to them now that I'm home? How am I to speak with them if I can't speak? I hope they understand me, I tired to smiled at them but my face wouldn't adjust itself. Yep, this is going to be a long night.

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I hope everyone enjoyed. Chapter 9 will be up soon!


	9. Bloody Knuckles

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is the only think I own so far. ;) I might add more peoples later but yea I own nothing.**

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**Living For**

_Bloody Knuckles_

They were gapping at me like I had grown another head. Soda quickly snapped out of his daze and smiled a little walking toward me. His smile disappeared as he stopped in his tracks. Just as Steve and Ponyboy had done, he looked me over.

Starting at my tattered feet he traced up my pale legs to my white gym shorts. They hiding my secret message from Sodapop's eyes. His gaze followed to my torso noticing I was wearing Dad's shirt. He stared into my eyes for what seemed like forever. Sodapop was trying to read me, I knew he was. But all he got was the shell, the emptiness. Without warning the boy crashed into me, hugging me tightly. I felt his light tears on my forehead as he pressed his face onto my head. He was hurting me but I wouldn't tell him that. With him pushing his face onto my head he was putting pressure onto my bruised temples.

At first I didn't hug back. My arms just hung at my sides freely. His small gasps echoed in my ears and I decided to give him comfort. Hugging him back my hand gripped the back of his shirt. The fabric hurt on my scraped fingers but I made no noise of objection. Embracing with my twin made me feel nice. It makes me almost whole again, just like it used to.

With his small tears of joy, relief, grief, hardship and every other emotion I could feel from him, I felt like crying myself. I wanted to sob loudly with him like I do when I'm alone. My lungs wanted to scream to the world with my twin, telling it to fuck off. Life is a bitch, it truly is. There is no way around it except death. My parents no longer have to suffer through every single day. They no longer have to feel this grief and hurt that life brought us. The last moment of their life was traumatizing to themselves and others. I've decided that they were the lucky ones.

Since my parents death I've thought about dieing more. Of course I don't give a shit what happens to me but still. What would happen to the rest of the world if I died. I've kept thinking and telling myself that I wish it was me instead of them but that's not entirely true. Would I really want them to go through this heartache? If I had died they would have suffer just as much if not more.

The voice was right, I have been selfish. I've taken my time alone while my brothers have worried about me. Now I have to be there for them. Even if it is silently, I have to be there for them. To comfort them when they weep, when they need it most. Not myself, they come first now. I wish I could tell them that. They need to rest now that they know I am okay, I wanted to tell them that too but couldn't.

Soda hugged me for a long time while crying on me. He was shaking he was so upset, I could feel his emotions. This didn't help at trying to keep myself from breaking down. Finally he pulled apart with another gasp. The boy looked down at me with sorrow filled eyes. With my right hand I pressed it against his chest. Right on his heart I placed my right hand. He looked down at it and put his left over it. Silently I was telling him that I loved him, he understood like he always does.

"I love you too." he panted out threw his tears. My left hand was put on the right side of his face. He placed his right hand over it leaning his head into my palm. Wordlessly I was telling him that it was going to be alright. Again he understood, weakly smiling at me with his eyes shut.

"I know it will baby." Maybe Two-bit was right and we could read each others minds.

Darry just stood watching us have our half silent conversation with each other. My twin and I pulled apart but he held onto my right hand. Soda moved out of the way so Darry could have a look at me. Brother stepped forward and looked down at me with concerned filled eyes. With his thumb he lightly brushed my bruised temple. He furrowed his brow as he cupped my face in his giant hand. Poor guy, he looked just as emotionless as I did, but less so. I know Darry just as well as I know Soda and truthfully he wants to be there for us so he puts his emotions aside.

I wanted to tell him that he didn't have to because that's what I was going to do. I wanted to tell him the way I told Sodapop but knew that it was impossible. With great effort I tired to us my words but nothing would come out. My mouth opened and closed a few times before I frowned at myself in defeat. Instead of trying again I pulled my right hand from Soda's left and put it over Darry's heart. For a few moments he stared at it, he let go of my face and looked back into my eyes.

"I know." his voice was hoarse like he was trying not to cry. The only reason he knew what I meant was because Soda knew what I meant. I nodded, the guy looked like he needed a hug so I obliged. Immediately Darry wrapped his arms around my shoulders as I pulled mine under his armpits and held onto his strong shoulders. My head was on his chest, rubbing into his shirt affectionately. By this hug I was worn out, it's really hard to keep yourself in check when your hugging like this.

He still smelled like Dad, with his warmth or whatever. Its just like him. For a second I almost lost myself and burst out in tears. But I sucked that shit back in my sole, Darry pulled apart after my composure.

"Don't ever do that again, agreed?" I nodded and brushed away his single tear.

"Are you alright?" I shrugged not wanting to lie to him, than I pointed to him.

"Me?" his eyebrows raised as he pointed to himself. I nodded waiting for his answer, he took his time to put it into words. "I'm as good as could be expected."

That was the most perfect way to sum everything up. 'I'm as good as could be expected.' That's what I want to say, that's what I should have said. Words are stuck in my throat now and for the present time I know that I am going to be mute. Everyone will have to except this for now, I know this wont go good with Dally. He's going to get frustrated, well if I think about it he lied to me. So did Dad, they both lied through their teeth.

Telling me everything would be alright. Convincing me that I shouldn't worry. Letting me know that they'd be there for me to protect me and the family. Dad said he wouldn't let anything happen to this family. What is going to happen now that he isn't here to protect us? Are we going to fall like a ton of bricks or get hit by a train like he did? Fate sucks, was it fate that brought him to rest? Was it God pulling on him? Or the angels? Now that he is gone I can't help but be mad at the fact that he can't come through with his promise. Yes, I know it's a bitch thing to do but I'm mad.

I'm mad at Dally too. He was wrong. He lied to me. What kind of a friend lies, no friend of mine. If I think about it I'm just trying to blame someone for anything, it's pointless but I'm doing it anyway. Again I felt the tears in the back of my eyes but sucked them back in. My brothers need to lay and rest. I grabbed Soda's hand and put one finger up to Darry, telling him to stay.

With my twin in hand I pulled him into his room. I sat him down on the bed and took his shoes off. He was looking at me confused the entire time, he knew what I was doing. Mom used to do this for the boys when ever they had a hard day at school or work. She would pull there shoes off, than pull there shirt off. That's the second thing I did. Than she would lay them down and pull the covers over them like I just did to Soda. With my left hand I brushed the hair from his forehead and kissed it. Sweetly he smiled with his movie star grin. Before leaving the room I held my finger up at him to say wait a moment.

My feet brought me into the kitchen. Standing on my toes I reached for two cups. After that I pulled out chocolate milk from the ice box. Pouring both glasses with the same amount of milk I sighed. When I exited the room I only carried one glass with me to Soda's room. I handed him the cup of chocolate milk, his smile grew with the sight of his favorite beverage.

"Just like Mom, Luc." tears in his eyes. I shook my head at him and put my hand to his heart for the second time today.

"I love you too." I pointed to his chest. Telling him to get some rest. I think we could get used to this, maybe we can read each others minds all the time. Nah, maybe not. Sodapop understands everything, just like Dad. I can't understand myself how am I supposed to understand anyone else?

"I'll try, keep an eye on Ponyboy. He's been having nightmares whenever he's fallen asleep." I nodded and shut the door behind me.

Darry was still where I left him and I pulled him into his room. Just like Sodapop I sat him down on the bed and took his shoes off. His shirt was second to go but when I tried to lay him down he pulled me onto the bed with him. We sat next to each other for a while, him giving me a weak smile.

"Ya know baby girl, that I'll always be there for you?" a sheepish, weak smile appeared on my face. Finally an emotion that I can give him.

"Me and you are lot alike." I nodded agreeing. "Always have been."

"If I had to pick out someone that knows me the best I would have said Mom. But now that I think about it, really you know me better than anyone." shrugging my shoulders and looked down at my left leg. You couldn't see the message but I could feel it throbbing. I could almost hear it throbbing, maybe Darry could hear it too.

"And I know that you are having a hard time with this like I am. Its really hard for me to admit but I feel defeated." I listened to brother intently as he tried to let something out.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm glad that you are here with me to share the pain. So here I am telling you that I'm having a hard time with this." nodding in understanding I smiled timidly. Brother let out a long breath of frustration.

"Now that I've let you know how I feel, I think you should tell me how you feel. It might help Lucy. I feel better already talking to someone who reacts to things like me. You don't let anyone hear you cry, neither do I." oh so this is what he was trying to do. I really wanted to give brother what he wanted but I couldn't. The words wouldn't form in my mouth, they wouldn't roll off my tongue like he needed them to.

I got up and left the room. When I returned I had Darry's glass of chocolate milk. Shaking my head at him I handed him the cup. He took a sip and frowned. Really I wanted to say sorry that I could say what I felt. With every ounce of my being I willed my lips to move. No sound came out but I mouthed the word sorry. He nodded reading my lips. Patiently I waited for him to drink he milk, after he finished I guided him to lay down.

Placing my hand over his heart I kissed his forehead. I'm glad he understood the meaning of my gesture. "I love you too. Oh and baby girl."

I rose my eyebrows at him in question. "Please be here when I wake up."

Smiling I nodded to him. Smiling? At least its an improvement. "Don't forget my door is always open to talk Luc. You ever need me I'll be there. If something happens while I'm asleep, wake me up." again I nodded and shut the door behind me.

I walked into the living room and saw that Ponyboy was asleep still. Surprisingly none of the guys were over. I would have thought them to be bumming around more that we didn't have parents to shoo them away. With a sigh I made my way out to the back porch. I sat on the steps and cried. My brothers were asleep now and my emotions could be let out.

It's a good thing I shut the door behind me because I'd be sure to wake them with my hollering. I shook with anguish. Pulling up my shorts I looked at the poorly written lettering on my leg. They are so messy and unorganized onto my skin. There is a pinkish outline around the deep purplish red of the letters. Now that it was daytime and I was thinking a little bit more clearly I noticed how ridiculous they looked. I began to kick myself about it, I huffed and puffed at myself.

Dashing off the steps I paced around the back yard. Back and forth I would go, again and again. The motion soon became a circle. Around the back yard I was going, in a brisk walk next to the fence. The walk soon went into a jog. As I jogged along I cried silent tears. Freely letting them fall to Dad's shirt. The tears disappeared after a while and the jog turned into a sprinting run. I'm not sure why I was running, jogging or walking in a circle. Its just what I ended up doing and the sun was beginning to set on this day.

I realized that it had been a full day now since my parents were alive. This was day one and hell was it rough. It seemed that physical strain was distracting to my emotions. It was distracting and it was focusing to my body. Thinking about it made me stop my running. My lungs were heaving breath in and out of my body. I hadn't noticed but my bar was still in the backyard.

Its been a long time since I've thought about that bar. Its been an even longer time since I've touched it. The bar was placed in the yard years ago for me to practice gymnastics at home. The boys used it too to show off their muscles but none of them could do as many pull ups as I could. Darry got close once but none of them could beat my record. The girls from the team would come over sometimes and they would show the gang up with the amount they could do. I couldn't do more than a few of the girls on the team but at least I was better than the gang. They could all do something better than me, except this.

They wouldn't talk to me for a while after I showed them up but it was worth it to put a dent in their egos. I'd try to explain to them that it was pointless because I was trained to have amazing upper body strength. But they just had to challenge me and the girls. We were made to hold our selves up on bars for over thirty minutes. The most pull up I've ever done have been one hundred in fifty two. As I walked over to the bar I thought about how out of shape I am. If I tried I could probably only do three. It's been over two years since I've been on this bar and I'd fail if I tried.

Out of curiosity and need for physical strain I jumped up to the bar. With my hand clasping tightly down onto the rounded piece of metal, I began to pull myself up. One, two, three, four I counted. Well that was a lot more than I thought I could do. Five, six, seven, eight, nine of them were done in an instant. I wanted to do more, I needed the strain. It was better than feeling the heaviness of their death. The more I did the more I sweat, I was up to twenty two when I fell off the bar.

Landing on my ass I scoffed at myself. Jumping off the ground I noticed that the back porch light was put on. Someone was awake or someone from the gang was here. I didn't bother checking because I was too caught up in my need to keep my body moving. Launching myself in the air again I grabbed the bar. I only made it up to seventeen this time. Wasting no time I kept getting up and trying again. Twenty six, eleven, fourteen, thirty, eight they had no pattern except for the anger I felt after each time I fell.

Every time my body would hit the ground pain and rage rushed through me. My heart jumped every time I pulled my chin over that bar. It was starting to become an obsession to get more than the last try. After the ninth time of falling I freaked out. I screamed at the bar in frustration. In defeat and anger. Before I could stop myself I was attacking the bar. Punching and hitting with my knuckles. Sometimes I would miss and get angrier so I'd start to kick. I could feel someone watching me but I couldn't stop. I just kept chopping away at the metal.

"That's enough Lucy." Darry's deep voice cut through the night air. When I went to stop, my limbs just kept hacking at the equipment.

Brother wrapped his arms around mine in a death hold. My back was to him as he was holding me still. I struggled trying to reach for the damn bar. My feet kicked out at it, flailing desperately to get a blow. I grunted and hissed at it. Darry was pulling me away from the damn thing onto the porch. We both sat there on the floor of the patio for a while. I struggled against him for most of the time but eventually I tired and fell limp against his chest.

I looked up at him as he looked down at me. Two-bit and Steve were standing above us staring down at us. Than I feared that they would see my message, I whipped my head down to my left leg. Thankfully my shorts were covering the secret scars from the world.

"Look what she did to her hands." Steve whispered. I took notice of my hands after his comment. Before I had not acknowledged the pain. My knuckles and palms were bleeding something awful. They throbbed like you would see in a Mickey cartoon, you could almost see them grow in size.

"Come on, lets get you inside." Darry picked me off the ground and ushered me inside. When I got in Dally and Johnny were sitting on the couch where Pony had been sleeping earlier. The shower was going as we passed the bathroom, Darry sat me down in the armchair.

"Stay here." shakily I stared at my hands. I wanted to scream at myself, at the bar, at the world. But I didn't want to freak anyone else out any further. Dally's cool velvet voice cut through my thoughts.

"Hey Luc, have any good freak outs lately?" his voice was amused and I knew he was smirking. After a moment of not responding he snapped his fingers in my face.

"Hey, I'm talkin to you." I didn't even blink as he did this. I could see him out of the corner of my eye. The insensitive jerk off was motioning to me with his hand and talking to the room that now contained; Two-bit, Steve, Johnny, Dally and myself.

"What's the matter with her?" Dallas was annoyed with my lack of respect.

"What do you think Dal?" Johnny said putting Dallas into his place. I love how Johnny always said things to Dally that no one else would. Of course I would have said something but my brain can't tell my vocal cords to work anymore.

Darry was sitting in front of me now with supplies. He cleaned off my hands with rubbing alcohol, it hurt but I didn't wince once. After cleaning the wounds he wrapped my hands with gauze. Brother has always been good with his hands, whether its fixing a roof or someone's ripped skin. Mom taught him how to stitch and fix almost any wound, she taught me too but I'm not nearly as good as Darry. The only problem is that he can't perform surgery, I bet he becomes a doctor if he ever goes to college. That chance is gone now, if he has to watch over me and my brothers.

"Hey Dar, what's your sister's malfunction man?" Dallas teased further. It was his way of trying to get me to talk I guess. To bad I can't other wise I would have given him the satisfaction a long time ago to make him shut up. Without warning Darry leapt from the ground and was on top of Dally, trying to swing at him. Steve and Two-bit quickly pulled him off though. Darry was standing over Dallas staring down at him with a pointed finger. Dallas looked up at him angered but kept his cool.

"Shut you fucking mouth Winston!" Darry looked like he was going to beat Dally up, than explode. Be reborn than kill Dally all in that order. "You leave her alone." he warned.

I knew that one of them would have made another move for each other so I grabbed Darry's hand. He looked over at me and his face immediately softened. With brother in hand I pulled him into the kitchen. With a finger I pointed to the stove, maybe he would understand I was asking if they wanted anything to eat.

"Hungry?" he asked. I shook my head and pointed to him than the stove again. "Oh, am I hungry?" nodding I pointed toward the living room.

"Hey does anyone want some dinner?" Darry yelled. There were a lot of yeses from the next room. I nodded and ventured into the fridge for something to cook. Before I could acknowledge if anything could be eatable Darry grabbed my arm. I looked at him in question.

"Maybe I should do it." than I looked down at my hands and almost laughed. Maybe he should. So as Darry started dinner I went to go check on my twin.

When I got into his room he was sound asleep. Dowling all over himself and pillow. Upon entering I shut the door so the light wouldn't wake him. I got up on the left side of Soda and scooted up close to him. Immediately the boy unconsciously pulled his arm around my waist. He has always been the cuddlier in the family. Light tears fell down my face while I slipped into a restless sleep.

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Just so everyone knows, I'm so glad I'm done with this chapter. Not that I don't enjoy writing it and what not but It's FINISHED! PHEW! :D


	10. Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is the only think I own so far. ;) I might add more peoples later but yea I own nothing.

Sorry this chapter is a little slow, no worries the next with pick up the pace.

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**Living For**

_Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust_

Its been three days since they have died. Today is the funeral, Thursday of all days. I'm not sure who set up arrangements but I wish I was included. Even wordlessly I could have helped, been there for support. So the last two days have been, in the words of Darry, 'As good as could be expected.'

Tuesday I woke at four in the morning, Sodapop was sleeping next to me soundlessly. For a moment that early in the morning I thought everything was back to normal. But I know better than that, nothing will ever be the same again. I laid there for about an hour debating on whether I should go to school. I was sure that Darry was to go to work, Pony and Soda were to stay home. After laying out all the pros and cons I slid out of bed and hopped in the shower.

It didn't take me that long to get ready and once I was, I patiently waited for Darry to wake up. As I sat at the dinning room table I caressed my face with the sleeve of another one of my father's shirts. This one was a button up as well but it was light green color instead of plaid. I wore a tank top under it with my jeans and converses to top off my outfit. For a while I debated on wearing some of Mom's clothes because that would have pleased her. I'll save that for another day I thought as Darry came out of his room fully dressed.

Brother made coffee for himself and glanced over at the table absently, he did a double take when he noticed me. "Lucy what are you doin up? I thought I would call you kids in today."

I shook my head at the idea. If I stayed home I knew that I would go insane. Probably take another crack at the bar. My hands are feeling a lot better today so I took off the bandage, I wouldn't want to fuck them up again.

"Are you sure you want to go? Are you ready?"

Shrugging was my answer to him. "Did you eat?" I wanted to tell him no and that I wasn't planning on it. My stomach was sick and nothing seem appetizing. But I shook my head no.

Darry tried to get me to eat some toast but I wouldn't do it. All he got out of me was a few sips of OJ, which is one of my favorite beverages but still didn't taste good. After a while Darry was ready and he dropped me off at school on his way to work. He told me to be careful and that if I needed him to pick me up that he would. Putting my hand over his heart I smiled, he told me he loved me too.

The day at school was like every other, excepts with some unexpected visitors. In first hour literature everyone moved their desks away form me like I was a disease or something. I didn't really care though, if they wanted to be immature that was okay with me. The worst part about that hour is that Julie Holland was in there. Me and her were friends in elementary school but she ditched me because she realized that I wasn't good enough for her. It cut me down deep, it hurt Natalia too. The three of us were great friends. Natalia and I are way better off without her.

But there I was trying to imagine I wasn't there even though I chose to be there, I heard them talking about me. People talk shit about me everyday so I really didn't pay attention to it. Later that day Julie came up to me at lunch when I was just sitting there staring off into space. I was outside today and was surprised she would come out in the cold to talk to me. She smiled sweetly at me so I tried to be polite even though she didn't disserve it. With her polished pink finger nails she tapped on the table.

"Lucy I heard about your parents, I'm sooooo sorry." she was using a fake sarcastic voice, all high pitch and annoying. When I didn't respond she made a disgusted face. "Well good riddance, right?"

The soc started to walk away, swaying her hips like she owned the fucking place. I lost it, I leapt across the table and grabbed that bitch by the hair. I dragged her ass off campus so I knew I couldn't get in trouble for beating her up. Sure some people watched from the other side of the road on campus while I beat the shit out of her. Two-bit pulled me off of her, holding me back. Telling me that was enough and that I needed to calm down. I wanted to yell at her and him.

Her face was barley recognizable with all the blood. Julie's perfect perm blond hair was caked in it. She stood up shakily and stared at me frightened. She threatened. "I'll get you back for this on day Curtis, you just wait."

She walked away but not back to school. The rest of the day pretty much was filled with people coming up to me. Greasers would come up and tell me they were proud of me for getting the soc girl. Soc bastards came up to me telling me to watch out. Than there were a lot of people saying they were sorry for my loss. Like Natalia and Rocky, they came up to me crying when they saw me. Telling me if I needed anything that I could come to them.

When I got home no one was there so I just chilled on the couch staring off into space. Mom's friend from work stopped by, Denise. She cried a lot so I made her some tea. The lady is nice enough but I really had nothing to say to her. Her time there was short but it felt like forever. No one was home by four so I went into the backyard to try and do pull ups again.

My hands were still banged up so instead I curled my legs onto the bar. I hung upside down for a while, feeling the blood go to my head. Dallas Winston came into view, he leaned on the pole that I hung on. He told me I should stop being a baby so I flipped him off. It's not my fault I can't speak. Maybe I can speak when they are finally laying in their graves but not now. I can't handle this by myself and I want to run. Dally stared at me for a while and than left when Darry and my brothers got home.

Soda made us blue eggs for dinner, his specialty. All three brothers tried to get me to eat but instead I went to my parents room. I locked myself in there with the dresser again and I laid in their bed alone. My brother's talked about things over dinner. Sodapop mentioned getting a fulltime job at the DX and dropping out to help pay bills. Darry mentioned that we needed to move because we couldn't afford this house. Just down the block he told them. Ponyboy told them he miss Mom and Dad. I didn't sleep at all that night after I heard that. While my brothers lay in there beds asleep I went outside and hang upside-down.

I was like that until sunrise but eventually fell because I woke up on the ground. Must have passed out or fell asleep, either way I woke up not hanging upside-down. Wednesday was pretty much like Tuesday, minus beating anyone up. During lunch I went to the announcement board and picked up a paper with all the gymnastics teem information. I'm still not sure why I did that but its been sitting on the night table on Mom's side of the bed since yesterday.

People came up to me and said they were sorry, most of them I didn't even know. The nurse pulled me in a few times making sure I was alright. She told me that Darry had called the school to keep an eye on me. I didn't mind, he had the right to ask them. Sure I'm sixteen but he's worried about me. He even told me on the way to school. Now that I think about it maybe I should have been listening.

Yesterday morning he had tried to get me to talk, he failed. Soda came along for the ride too, we dropped him at the DX station before I got to school. They both were telling me about funeral plans and how that it was Thursday. Soda wanted me to wear something nice even though I don't own anything nice. Darry told us that the court date was next Friday so we had time to move this weekend and stuff. But really I think he was telling me that I had until next Friday to get my mouth to work. My two brothers would ask me question I couldn't answer because they weren't yes or no questions. It was very frustrating. Before I got out of the truck Darry told me not to beat anyone up, I nodded and went to the jail they call school. Its very cut and dry.

Today, day four of hell, I'm standing half naked in my parents room. I took Soda's advice in looking nice for the funeral. I've been staring into my mother's closet for over an hour now and I've got two hours until the funeral. She has so much to choose from, but only a few that I could wear to a funeral. There are only five black garments in her closet.

Two skirts, two dresses and one shirt. The shirt is old looking and is collecting dust so that's out. So were the skirts if I couldn't wear the shirt with them. That leaves the dresses, a spaghetti strap and long sleeve. The long sleeve one is a little too big for me when I tried it on that leaves the spaghetti one. I haven't tried it on so I might as well just wear it. Before putting it on I hung the other clothes back up.

I was distracted by cry in the room next to me. Its Ponyboy, poor kid is taking this so hard. We all are but I can't imagine what its like for him, he's just thirteen. As I tried to ignore his weeping I pulled the dress over my shoulders. To my left I looked into the body mirror and examined myself. Truly I looked like shit. My hair's wet, there are bruises on my temples and my shoulders are really bony. I guess that was from not eating but who cares, I'm not hungry. As I looked at the girl in the mirror I remembered Dad saying that he loved it when I wore my hair up.

With lots of effort I managed to put my long hair into organized bun. Small little curls fell around my face shaping it. For a moment I though I looked nice but than I noticed the bruises again. Walking over to the dresser I pulled out Mom's makeup kit. I lightly put cover up over my bruised face and hid the bags under my eyes. Stepping back I looked myself over. I looked a lot better without the bags, there was two things missing though.

Mom always hated black so I decided to wear a scarf and gloves to cover my ugly hands. She had a big collection of them and I decided to wear a yellow one around my neck, covering up the necklace Dad gave her. Also I slipped into a pair of yellow gloves that hugged my wrists. Yellow was her favorite color, next to pink. On my lips I rubbed a light color to make them stand out more. Now I was ready.

Wait! My mind shouted, I need shoes. For another ten minutes I debated on just wearing my converse but decided against it. They would ruin my mother's clothes. I grabbed a pair of Mom's black heels, the only pair she had. I suppose I could wear yellow heels but they were all ugly. My feet slid into the heels nicely, I examined them in the mirror. They were closed toe and had a thin strap around my ankle. Now I was ready to go. With a heave I pushed the dresser back in its place and opened the door. I'm the only one that ever goes in to my parents room so I shut the door behind me.

The gang and my brothers were lingering in the living room. They all looked dressed up and a lot more formal than they are used too. Some more than others, regarding the fact that they don't have suits. Johnny was wearing a pair of jeans with a black button up shirt. Dally was wearing the same thing only with the buttons undone with a muscle shirt underneath. Two-bit was wearing black trousers with my mother's favorite Mickey shirt he owned. He wore a black tie around his neck loosely. Steve wore a full suit and tie along with my brothers, it was probably his father's. Ponyboy was crying still but silently next to Johnny, who had his hand on my brother's shoulder.

All of them looked at me, some smiling in approval. They all stared at me for a while before anyone said anything. Two-bit was the first to speak. "Glory Lucy you look mighty pretty."

I wanted to smile and say thank you but couldn't. As I walked across the floor I clicked and clacked with my heels. "Lucy's right, lets go." Soda said.

"The girl didn't say anything Sodapop." Dally said annoyed.

"Don't start Dal." Johnny said as everyone followed me out the door. Darry told me I should ride with Steve because I shouldn't jump in the truck with a dress on. Before he could finish his sentence I was in cab of the truck. Pony slid in next to me on my right and Darry got in on the driver side. The rest of the guys rode with Steve in his car. The ride was silent except for Pony's light sobs.

I put my hand in his as we rode. The ride seemed like it was taking forever and Pony wasn't calming down so I started to hum to him like I did Monday. Darry would glance at me every few minutes and smile while I hummed. By the time we got the cemetery Pony's eyes were dry. Pony helped me out of the truck and I held onto his hand as we approached a growing crowd around two holes in the ground.

We all circled around the holes, leaving a pathway for the coming caskets. Pony let go of my hand and left me alone as he went off with the gang and my brothers. The crowd and me waited for them to return. Natalia and Rocky were on the other side of the holes staring at me, I wanted to tell them to stop. They both were crying too. Crying along with my parents co-workers and friends. People I didn't know showed up, they were crying as well. The officers that told us the news were there and dressed up. I bet they felt sorry for us, who wouldn't?

Most of the men kept themselves composed as they stuck out their chests for strength. Women wore vales over their faces, they held handkerchiefs in their hands dabbing at their eyes. Tim Shepard and his brother were there. Tim had his arm wrapped around Rocky. Those two have always been good buddies, I wonder if they're dating now. I wonder if Curly was okay with that. I wouldn't ask though.

Than I could see them carrying my parents over to their graves. Two-bit and Dally were on the right side of my Dad's casket, Steve and Sodapop on the other. They placed him next to the right hole, that's the side my Dad slept on in his bed. Mom was placed next to the right hole by Darry, Pony and Johnny.

A priest walked up the aisle between people and opened his book as my brother and friends dispersed into the crowd. Soda came up on my left and held my hand but I pulled way. If I was going to be able to over come my heartache this was the place I was going to do it. I needed to do it alone too or else I would never be myself ever again. He looked at me confused so I put my hand over his heart. My twin nodded his head with tears in his eyes.

The priest was praying and speaking to God for my parents. I'm not sure if I will call on God to help ever again. I don't know if I can bring myself to pray to him at night like I've done for this long. He took away my parents. Why did he do that? Was it punishment? If it was why was he punishing all these people. He has his reasons I'm sure but I wish I knew them, it would be easier to accept. We stood there for about thirty minutes listening to him preach. Finally the time has come that my parents be placed in the ground.

Dad was first, while they lowered his body weird things happened. The priest got louder, almost like he was willing me to listen or for God to listen. Light tear drops began to fall from the sky as he said his last prayer for my father.

The whole scene was so surreal. A group of people circled around a priest and dead bodies. The sky overcast and rain falling down from the heavens. As my mother started to get lowered I felt like jumping in after her. My body twitched, I ached to go after her. As she was half way down I could no longer control myself so I had to leave. My stomached turned around and around, dizziness was taking over my body. Vomit was rising in my throat just like it had Sunday night. Once I was about a hundred feet away from the crowd I fell to my knees.

I leaned by body on the tree I was next to. My throat hacked and heaved out anything that I had eaten the last three days, which wasn't much. Whipping my mouth I stood up and walked into the rain. Stretching out my arms away from my body I let each droplet hit my skin. It ran down Mom's dress and dampened my hair. I breathed through my mouth calming myself down. Letting my arms fall to my sides I shivered.

The need to run was great. Getting away would be ideal, my insanity was starting to take over again. I was mad at the world. Mad at my parents for dieing. Mad at God for leaving me alone. Angry at Dally for lying. Fucking pissed off that I can't speak. As I tore off Mom's shoes I ran over to the truck and put them in the bed. Everyone was scattering away as the grave daggered filled my parents holes. I took the scarf off and tied it around the trucks antenna. After that I threw my gloves back into the truck and slammed the door. Everyone was almost gone from the graves except the gang and my brothers. Darry was searching for me when he noticed I was gone from the area. Me and him locked eyes.

Without thinking I waved goodbye to him. His mouth was moving but I couldn't hear him. As I started running he took off after me. I was down the road before he could catch me. He stormed over to the truck and kicked it before starting it up.

"I've gotta go get Lucy." he told Soda through the open window.

"You don't have to Dar, she's just going for a run. She wanted to run home." he told him.

"How do you know?"

"She told me." Soda said a matter of fact.

"Man, she didn't say a word." Dally chimed in.

"Well I understand her and she is almost home by now, lets meet her there."

Two-bit murmured getting in the truck. "Told you guys they could read each others minds."

The guys headed home, all hoping I would be there. When I arrived at my house I was completely soaked. My legs stormed into the house and I paced for about a minute before going out on the back porch. I stood staring at the bar from the porch. From where I was I could hear them come in the house. Darry was calling for me so I knocked on the back door to let him know I was there. He came out on the porch with me.

"Why'd you run off?" I shrugged and put my hand over his heart. He pulled it away and backed away from me.

"No, I want you to talk!" he hollered. "Say something God damn it!"

Soda came out with us, I looked him in the face. "Lay off Darry, she's trying to talk."

"Shut up and go back inside. This is between her and I!" I shook my head no and turned away from him. After a few minutes both men went back inside. I was left alone out there to let my emotions run dry. But nothing would come out. It was starting to get dark out and the rain picked up. Someone came out with me on the porch, I turned to see Two-bit. Oh lord, what did he want?

I shifted away from in the corner of the patio, staring at him. At that moment I wanted to crash myself into him and cry myself to death. My lungs wanted to scream to him, he looked so inviting. Without thinking I leapt at him and clenched to him. Two-bit wrapped his arms around me and held me close to his body. For the first time since my parents died I sobbed to someone. I sobbed loudly and gasped hyperventilating. I was shaking uncontrollably.

Screams were sounded around me as was thunder. I clenched his shirt with my hands. My legs started moving up and down as we stood. There was just so much pent up energy that was leaking out of my body. He started to bring me into the house, the screams got louder as he moved me. Everyone in the house was silent as we entered. Soda leapt from the couch and was next to me trying to see my face.

"Glory Two-bit, what did ya do to her?" Steve asked shaking his head like he wasn't seeing me breakdown

My body ripped itself away from Two-bit and was pacing. Soda was following beside me. I wanted to punch the hell out of something and let out my anger. I was clenching and unclenching my fists at my sides as I huffed and screamed. Dally pushed Soda out of the way, knowing what I needed. Without warning I kicked the coffee table, everyone heard a crack and gasped. It was either my ankle or it was the table. "Jesus." Pony said tears in his eyes.

They all got out of my way as I paced from one side of the house to the other. Screaming and sobbing the entire time. Hitting and kicking anything that got in my way. After the thirty seventh time I passed by the kitchen, believe me I counted, and collapsed to the ground. I began to crawl to my parents room. Everyone followed me into the room as I sobbed on the floor.

"What's the matter with her Darry?" Pony asked. "I've never seen her like this."

"None of us have Pon." Soda said sitting on the floor next to me. He tried to touch my shoulder giving me comfort but screamed at him. Like he had burned my skin. I was shaking and hyperventilating. They've never seen me like this, well I've never been like this.

"She just couldn't hold it in anymore, poor baby girl." Darry whispered more to himself than to the room. I was screaming and sobbing for another twelve minutes before I started to calm down. Finally words came out of my mouth.

"I'm sorry!" well it was more like a scream than words. My voice was hoarse and raspy from the lack of use and from crying.

"I want to go home." I'm not sure what I meant by it. I was home, in my house, in my parents bedroom.

"Honey, you are home." Soda said trying to reach for me again.

"NO!" I hollered moving way. "Don't touch me."

I panted for a few minutes and than stood up, everyone tensed like I was going to fling myself into a wall like I was possessed or something. "I'm going to take a shower."

With that I left them to dwell on my actions. As I gather my clothes from my room I also grabbed a lighter. I went over to Dallas and pulled him into the bathroom. I sat him down on the counter and shut the door behind us.


	11. Moist Lips and Collar Bones

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is the only think I own so far. ;) I might add more peoples later but yea I own nothing.

MMMMK I enjoyed writing this, I hope you enjoy reading it. :D

* * *

**Living For**

_Moist Lips and Collar Bones_

"Hey Luc, don't you think everyone will get the wrong idea?" he smirked as I started the bath water. Extra, extra hot water with bubbles. The tub filled up while I striped off Mom's dress.

"Close your eyes." I told him. Surprisingly that wasn't hard to throw out of my mouth. After rolling his eyes he shut them, I quickly dipped myself into the hot soapy water after discarding the dress from my body. The bubbles covered my naked body, hiding it from Dally. I was more concerned about him seeing the cuts on my left leg than him seeing me naked. He opened his eyes and got off the counter. Dally put the toilet seat down and sat on it with his feet against the wall.

"That was somethin else Luc, what was amatter with ya?" Dally said lighting a cigarette. He handed it to me and I took it gratefully as I took a puff he lit his own.

"I don't know Dal, I lost it." we were silent for a while smoking our cigs. Than I put it out in the water and threw it in the trash next to the tub. I disappeared into the water getting my hair wet. When I came back up Dally was staring at the wall intently like it was going to explode if he looked at it long enough.

"So why did ya bring me in here?"

"Didn't want to be alone I guess." I frowned.

"How come?"

"It's dumb but I am afraid if I am alone I will get to caught up in my head again. I didn't want to backwards after I overcame my emotions. Sorry for worrying you."

"Lucy, you might not know it but us greasers understand more than you think." insightful of him.

"That's pretty insightful for a guy like you Dal."

"I have my moments." he smirked.

After a few minutes of staring off into space Dally said something I wasn't expecting. "I've missed your voice."

"I could tell, snapping in my face and what not." I laughed. Laughter, music to my fucking ears. Maybe I just needed to have a HUGE freak out, I'm not normal again but hell is it a step up from what I was.

"Oh so you did notice me do that." he laughed too. We just talked like we normally did together. It was like nothing had happened and everything was great. I was afraid to open the door and go back out. Time was limited now that we were in there for forty minutes, the water was cold and bubbles were departing. Absently I grabbed the shower curtain and pulled it so Dally was no longer in view. Unplugging the drain I turned the shower waster on to warm.

"I'll stay if you want." Dally offered.

"Yeah, don't want to be alone."

"I wont ever leave you alone."

"Good, same here buddy. Oh and don't peek mister, mister." he was awfully more caring than he normally is, it's different but it's refreshing.

"Oh come on, it's not like I haven't see ya naked before." he teased as I washed my hair.

"On accident, I thought no one was home." I corrected him.

"Okay, whatever you say Luc." Dallas Winston is _THEE_ biggest flirt on the face of this planet. "You wanted me to see ya nude."

"Shut up Winston, I forgot a towel and I thought no one was home." he laughed heartily at me. Soon I was done and I asked him to hand me the towel I set on the counter. Every time I would reach for it he would pull it further away laughing every time I would reach for it.

"Dallas give me the towel!"

"No." he laughed. Finally as I began to reach for it one more time I slipped and fell into the shower curtain, pulling it with me as I tumbled. I was on Winston's lap naked, with only a curtain cover in me. Quickly I scrambled to get off of him but it was difficult because I was slippery. Dally was no help. He just kept laughing with his eyes closed and his hands above his head holding the towel.

"God damn it Dally!" I hollered pushing down on his leg trying to lift myself up. Than he let his legs off from the wall and I went rolling down his legs to the floor. The shower curtain rolled around my body. I felt like a fool laying on the ground, Dally would pay for this.

"Can I open my eyes?" he laughed. Than there was a bang on the door.

"What in the hell are you two doing in there?" Two-bit asked.

"Oh nothing pal." Dallas laughed throwing the towel onto my stomach. I couldn't get unwrapped and was struggling.

Dally opened the bathroom door and walked out of it still laughing. From the floor in the bathroom I could hear him leaving through the front door still hysterical. "_DAMN YOU WINSTON!_"I yelled.

Than I noticed that Two-bit was laughing too. "Hey, guys get a load of this." he told the house.

Soon my brothers and Steve were in the doorway with Two-bit. Johnny must have gone home, I'm sure he wouldn't have laughed. All of them were laughing except Soda and Darry. I could tell that Sodapop wanted to but knew that it wasn't something he should want to laugh about. Darry was by my side in an instant, he shut the door behind him. I think that he is trying to take Mom and Dad's role, maybe he will keep us. Secretly I hope he does because a girls home is not for me. But than I want him to give me up so he can live his life, its complicated.

"What should I do?" I almost laughed at his face, he looked almost scared. Poor guy, he rushed in not thinking of what to do. Darry has seen me in a bar and shorts before but he's never seen me naked, I wouldn't want to scar the guy any further.

"Umm, just lift me up and lay me done on the floor in my room. I'll take it from there." Darry did exactly that, when he opened the door they were all still laughing, Soda even joined in this time.

"The girl looks like a damn burrito." Two-bit hollered laughing harder. I was in my room in an instant. After Darry set me down he fled my room like he was a bat out of hell. Once my door was shut I couldn't help but laugh at the situation.

As I unraveled myself in the shower curtain I felt like talking to Mom. After showers at night we would hang out in my room or hers and we would talk. Sure I didn't have much to say except things that disappointed her in the end. I frowned, I really shouldn't be alone. Once I was fully dressed I hung the shower curtain up and came out into the living room. Than I noticed that I wasn't wearing something of my parents. I was clothed in one of Darry's old jerseys and a pair of old gym shorts of Soda's. Quickly I ran to my parents room and pulled out some of my Dad's socks. Happily I walked out of the room wearing them. Everyone was in the living room and dinning room.

First I went over too the couch and sat next to Soda. He put his arm around me smiling. "Feel better?"

"YEAH I DO!" he laughed.

"Good, I was getting worried about you."

"You shouldn't have, I just freak out sometimes." we grinned at each other than he gave me a hug.

"What was that for?" I asked.

"I don't know, just felt like huggin ya." He looked off into the distance. "I always feel like giving ya a hug when your in a good mood. Its like something I have to do."

"_HA!_" Two-bit yelled from the floor.

"What the hell Two?" Pony said.

"I told you that Sunday, but you just didn't believe me." Two-bit threw his hands in the air. "No one ever believes me. You two can read each other's minds! _I KNOW IT!_" I giggled at him.

"Lucy, come here." Darry said before I could tell Two-bit that he was insane.

"Yeah."

Darry was sitting at the dinning room table with papers scattered around him. He blinked looking at me, he looked like he was going to scold me for breaking the rules. "Will you please eat something?"

"Did everyone already eat?"

"Yes, will you please eat something." he repeated.

"Yeah sure Dar." I went into the kitchen to grab something to eat. Darry followed me in there. In fact he surprised me as I closed the fridge door. Pulling out cheese and bread I jumped.

"Whatcha need Brother?"

"So what were you and Dally doin in the bathroom?"

"We talked for a while, I bathed and fell getting out of the shower." I shrugged like it was no big deal.

"So he didn't do anything to you or nothin?"

"Ew, gross Dar. Of course not."

"I don't want you alone with him." I rolled my eyes.

"Darry I'm going to lay this down nicely before you go all macho, head of the house hold on me." I said as I took a bite of a cheese and ketchup sandwich. "Dallas and I aren't anything more than friends. He would never hurt me and if I want to be around him I can."

"I don't want to be the bad guy Luc but I just don't like you being alone with him. In a bathroom of all places." again I rolled my eyes. Darry had no idea.

"Brother, I'm sixteen years old. I'll decide who I hang around with. And don't worry we aren't getting close or whatever." he looked at me funny like I was lying.

"I swear. Really I just wanted to talk to someone who I knew wouldn't fuss about me freaking out." he nodded and left for his room.

"I still don't like it." I threw my plate away and dove on the floor next to Two-bit. He slung his arm around my shoulders.

"Hey Pony lets head to bed. Its getting late." Soda said pulling his tired kid brother into their room. "Night guys." I don't remember Steve leaving, he's a sneaking little dude.

That left Two-bit and me alone watching Bonanza. He offered me a drink of his beer so I had a few sips. "There ya go, put some color in ya face."

"I'm sorry to mention this to ya Luc, but I've gotta run." he jumped off the floor toward the front door. "Drink the rest of that beer. It'll make ya feel better."

And he was gone. I took his advice and finished the beer, it was almost gone when I got it anyway. After turning off the TV I threw away the empty bottle. The only noise in the house was my sleeping brothers, snoring a breathing loudly. My body was exhausted but I didn't want to sleep. Quietly I walked into my parents room and turned on the light. The first thing that caught my eye was the gymnastics flyer. It said that ladies junior and sophomore tryouts were November 3 in building 5A. That was the old gym that they used for gymnastics and wrestling, I know this because Mom forced me to see it freshman year. She thought if I saw the place I would reconsider joining.

The next thing I did was go outside. I walked up to the bar and began to do pull ups. It was easier this time around, I got up to forty before I fell. Than fifty six. Each time the number would increase. Sweat ran down my face, it was so peaceful after it had stopped raining. I was relieved that I was so I wouldn't be so tense. Than I heard a voice that scared me off the pole. Thankfully I landed on my feet instead of my ass. Soda was leaning out the screen door with tired eyes.

"Lucy?" he asked. I'm sure he could barely see me in the dark, I forgot to turn the light on when I came out. Soda turned the light on a revealed himself in a pair of jeans and crazy hair.

"What are you doing awake? Its three in the morning." Soda made his way across the grass and stood barefoot next to me. Had I really been out there that long?

"Have you been out here all this time? Did you ever go to sleep?"

"No."

"Why not?" his face fell.

"Didn't feel like it."

"Honey, you are going to freeze to death for one. Two, you NEED sleep. I don't care if you feel like it. No sister of mine will go tired, I'm tucking you in." when he went to grab my hand I pulled away.

"Lucy, you can do this later. Come on, I'm putting you into your bed." again he failed to grab my hand.

"What's a matter Luc?" I frowned in embarrassment.

"Don't want to be alone?" nodding he smiled at me.

"Well all ya had to do was ask." this time Soda made sure I was in his grasp. The two of us walked into the house and turned off the porch light. He ushered me into Mom and Dad's room. At first I was surprised that he went in there, I'm the only one that goes in there. The two of us laid down in the bed and he covered us up. Me on Dad's side and he on Mom's.

"Thanks Soda, you're the best."

"I know, now you better get some sleep now. ya hear." I nodded even though I knew he couldn't see it. We both fell into a deep sleep. When all of a sudden I heard a scream.

Another one came as I shot up in bed, I looked at the clock. Four twenty two it read. I leaped out of bed and ran to Pony's room, Soda in foot and Darry behind him. Ponyboy was screaming and crying. Me being the first in the room I jumped on the bed next to him. With my arms I cradled his head and rocked him back and forth.

"Why did they have to die Lucy?" Pony gasped.

"I don't know baby." I shushed him kissing his forehead.

"Did you dream about them honey?" for a second I thought that I could hear Mom humming but realized it was me. I stopped to talked to him. "Was it a nightmare?"

"I….I don't remember." Pony squeaked out. I hummed to him while Darry and Soda sat on the bed next to us. Soda was rubbing Pony's back while I held him, Darry just looked at the scene with sorrow filled eyes.

After I finished the tune twice or so, Pony was fast asleep in my arms. I laid him down and kissed his forehead. Than was followed by Darry and Soda as I left the room. "Soda maybe you should stay with him."

"But what about you?" Sodapop grabbed my hand and caressed it with his thumb.

"Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."

"What are you two talking about?" Darry asked.

I stared at Soda telling him to keep his mouth shut but he told our brother anyway. "I found Lucy outside on the dang pole at three in the morning. She said she hadn't slept yet so I made her sleep. The only way to make sure she slept was to hang with her in bed. Than Pony woke up and well here we are." Soda told him walking back in his room.

"Are you sure you'll be okay by yourself?"

"Soda, go." I shooed him into the room, Darry looked at me.

"Want to come in my room?" he asked. It was a nice gesture but I told him I was going for a run.

"At four forty in the morning? Lucy don't you think that's a bit much?"

"No, I wont sleep anyway. Beside I've gotta train.""Train?"

"Yeah, for gymnastics." Darry stared tiredly at me in surprise.

"But I thought…"

"Things are different now Darry." I felt a wave of emotions run through me and crashed into Darry's chest. "Things are very different now."

"I understand Lucy, you go do what you need to do. But I want you to sleep now." I knew he didn't understand, he just wanted to go to sleep. I don't blame him, he works in the morning. He mentioned that he might have to get another job even if Soda works to have us get by. He's waiting for the court date though I'm sure. Darry pulled me into Mom and Dad's room and put me under the covers.

"I'll even sit with you until you fall asleep." he said pulling a chair from the corner up to the bed. Darry didn't have to sit very long because the next time I saw him it was light out. He was leaning over the bed with his head on his arms, I silently shook him.

"What?"

"Dar your going to be late." Brother shot up from his position and ran to his room cursing himself. I got out of bed and made him breakfast so he wouldn't be late. After a moment of shuffling around Darry was ready and I handed him a thermos full of coffee and some toast. He kissed me on the forehead.

"Start packing today baby girl. There are boxes on the floor of my room along with masking tape. Tell the goofballs that its only things we NEED. The rest we are going to sell, I'll be home around three to help. I'll call you guys in when I get to work, bye kid." well I don't really feel like going to school since I'm already late.

"Bye brother, have a nice day." and he was out the door. It was seven, yep he was late. Absently I went into my parents room and made the bed. Than I went into Darry's room for the boxes, I knew for a fact that I wanted to bring my mother's things. Most of them anyway. Before going to the closet I stole a few shirts of Dad's and some socks. They were so warm and comfy. The rest of Dad's stuff the boys can go through and sort. For the next hour I picked out the clothes I wanted and neatly folded them into the box from the closet. The ones that wouldn't suit me were placed in an organized pile on the bed. The box was filled faster than I expected and had to go get another.

Before I started filling that box, I went to change into some jeans. I kicked my shorts off and started to pull on a pair of jeans when something occurred to me. I wonder what ever happened to the half of the pant leg that I kept from the bloody jeans, I guess I'll never know. As I was walking out of my room back into my parents room Dally stormed in the house. He looked mighty flustered to be Dallas Winston but here he was.

The young man paced back and forth before he turned to be pulling me into his chest. He griped my head with his large hand and put his cheek over it. Dally was holding me tight and was breathing hard.

"Dally, what's the matter?" when I tried to pull apart from him, he crashed me back into his body. After a few minutes he loosened his grasp and pulled apart.

"Dally, tell me." I commanded in a soothing voice.

"What? I can't get a hug from my girl every once in a while?" his girl? Since when was I his girl?

"I ain't your nothing after last night." I said walking back into my parents room, he followed.

"Aw come on Luc, you've got to admit it was pretty funny." he tried, as he sat on the bed. I didn't answer him but I did smirk a little, its awfully hard to stay mad at Dally for long. Silently I started filling the box with some of the shoes I wanted from Mom. It consisted of only three pair and they all were different sorts of heels. Than I began to fill the box with the rest of the clothes I wanted from the closet. Soon I was done with the closet and moved to the dresser, it didn't have clothes but it had everything else in it. I started putting gloves, hats, scarves, jewelry and anything else that I wanted inside the container.

"What are you doing?" I jumped a little forgetting Dally was there.

"Packing." he gave me a look of question.

"Didn't anyone mention it, we're moving."

"YOUR WHAT!?" Dally jumped off the bed grabbing the top part of my arm.

"Dally relax, we're moving down the street. We can't afford this house." Winston instantly relaxed.

"Jeez, don't scare me like that Luc." He went to sitting on the bed.

"I wouldn't dream of it Dally." now it was my turn to laugh at him.

"Yeah, that's right laugh it up." he said smirking.

"Hey you kids." Soda said sitting next to Dally.

"Sis, Whatcha doin?"

"Packing, Darry told me to tell you guys to get started. Make sure its stuff we need and not stuff that pointless. We're selling everything else. Boxes are in Darry's room."

"What do you think about moving Luc?" He asked.

"Uh, I don't know. I'm not really thinking about it." than gasped dropping one of Mom's scarves. I just realized something horrifying, well horrifying to me.

"What's the matter?" Dally asked tensing up. He's been acting weird today, I'll have to ask him about that when Soda leaves.

"Since we are moving, we'll have to leave the bar here." I said, I could feel tears in my throat. Soda and Dally started laughing which didn't help me.

"It's not funny!" I hollered, damn was I emotional.

"Lucy, Darry and I will dig it up for ya. Besides is it really that necessary to bring?"

"YES!"

"Why is that?" he said laughing some more.

"Because I need it to help me train for gymnastics. I've only got until November." the two of them gaped at me.

"Why is everyone giving me that look when I say I'm trying out for the team." I said storming out of the room. I pulled out another box from Darry's room before stomping off to my accommodations in my bedroom. I could hear the boys talking outside my door along with Ponyboy now.

"Hey Pony did you know that Lucy was trying out for gymnastics?" Soda asked.

"Your shitting me, no way." he said. I lay on the floor in my room next the empty box, I wanted to cry. Is it really that hard to believe. I'm doing this for Mom. Not because she died but because she wanted me to be on the team. Next thing I knew Dallas was at my window letting himself in. I hadn't realized it but I was crying now. Surprisingly Dally laid down next to me on the floor, I laid my head on his chest and wept.

After about five minutes I stopped and looked up at him. Our faces were inches apart, I could feel his breath on my face as he breathed in and out of his nose. I've never noticed before but his skin is really soft looking. Absently I pulled my hand up and touched his face. Starting at his left ear and tracing down his jaw to his lips. He shivered when I went over his mouth and he grabbed my hand.

"Don't do that." he broke the unwieldy silence. When he pulled my hand away from his face he held onto it and rested it on his stomach. But than he shoved me off him and leaned up against the wall. My friend made a scrunched up face looking down at his fingers.

I knew that he wouldn't say anything about what just happened and I didn't want to so I started packing my clothes. Throwing things in a pile in the corner that I didn't want or didn't fit. Most of my clothes are my brothers old clothes because we never could really afford clothes for me. That and I didn't really want anything other than my brothers clothes. They are so comfy, how could I resist? Its all been the same, Darry got his clothes. Soda got Darry's clothes. I got both of their clothes and Pony shared with the older brothers too. It's just what we all ended up doing. Ponyboy can barely fit in the old stuff so he give them to me, he's almost bigger than me now. Its hard to realize but he's growing up so face, its crazy. He's looking more like a man everyday, even with his baby Ponyboy face.

Mom would bring it up about five times a month that she needed to take me to get dresses and girly clothes. She told Dad and he would grunt at the idea. I'd always say the same thing, 'I don't need any clothes, the ones I have are fine.' Dad would always back me up even though Mom didn't like it. Personally I think he didn't really care what I wore so he just thought it was one less thing to spend money on.

After finishing a box I left the room to get another, the next one I got was smaller than the last. I knew I wasn't using that many because Darry had a huge stack of them for us. When I returned to my room I shut the door behind me. Dally was just hanging around I my room, he was on the bed smoking a cancer stick now. He stared up at the ceiling, thinking I suppose. My eyes focused in on his face. Studying his every feature. The way his cheeks would suck in when he inhaled the cig. His temples would flex when he clenched his jaw after every time he exhaled. Dally's lips would curl up as he was thinking to himself. They are so red but in a pale way, so moist and healthy.

His long strong fingers flicked the cigarette ashes out the window every few drags. He rested his left arm across his stomach that was moving up and down smoothly. And those eyes, I've never seen such eyes. So chilling and sticking. Dallas has a strong neck and oh my, that collar bon. You can see the outline of the bone on his soft white skin. His leather jacket resting on his body, unzipped with only a muscle shirt to cover his strong chest. And boy was he….

What the hell was that? Was I just checking Dallas Winston out?! HOOOO SHIT! Quickly I turned away blushing even though he hadn't even noticed I was there. After taking a cooling breath I resumed packing my things. There wasn't much else to pack besides clothes and some pictures. Soon I will move to the kitchen to start on the dishes and silverware.

Even though I was busy with my work I couldn't shake the felling inside. I would glance at Dally every few minutes and my pulse would shot up. With a throbbing heart and shaky knees I left the room to get a glass of water. What was Dally doin to me?

* * *

Eep! She has feelings for Dally!


	12. Bleach Blond Bald

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is the only think I own so far. ;) I might add more peoples later but yea I own nothing.

* * *

**Living For**

Bleach. Blond. Bald.

Everyone finished packing their rooms Friday. I finished the kitchen and Darry was selling things through out the day. People would come in to pick something up and they would give him the money. Or they would write their checks like they had money to waste. Since I packed all plates and pans we ordered pizza, Steve ate over as usual. Dally was at the house but he was in my bedroom the entire time. When night came I went in there and he had fallen asleep. He looked so peaceful. That boy was sure acting weird that day.

Darry sold the dresser in my parents room and night tables. He said that Soda was getting his bed and that he was going to use our parents bed because his was getting too small. Everything was sold except for a few things that were needed and necessary. We need the money so I didn't blame Darry for selling some things. Soda mentioned that the whole gang was coming over around nine to help us move. After we ate everyone went to bed, everyone was tired and needed rest for the big day ahead. Of course I didn't sleep but hung out in the living room thinking.

Eventually I started to cry while thinking, than I noticed something I had forgotten about. My secret message to my parents. When I went to look at it there was thick layer of healing skin on it. The sight made me cry more, it was healing. Even with it there forever it just didn't look right all green and brown. My legs stood up and sat down a few times, debating on getting the switchblade from my empty sock compartment. Finally my body was moving even when my mind was screaming for me to stop.

Tearing the door to the compartment shut, I hastily grabbed the blade. Quietly of course, wouldn't want to wake Dally. I didn't even bother shutting it but I did shut the window and bedroom door. Without delay I sped off to the bathroom, locking the door behind me. After pulling down my jeans I sat on the edge of the bathtub with my legs on the inside. I started to carve over the lettering in my leg. Blood spilled down my leg and dripped into the tub. With each letter my leg started to throb. It hurt. I wanted to scream.

That was okay with me. I was okay with cutting my leg. As demented as it sounds, I felt better. The pain in my leg took away the pain in my mind. With this unpleasant physical sensation I can't think straight. For a second I felt guilt for doing it. There was a need to do it. To cut the memory back into my leg like I did Sunday night. Five days ago they died. I looked at the clock, it was passed one. Six days now, six days ago they were alive.

As I breathed in and out I watched my skin leak the red liquid. I watched it slid down my thigh, in between my legs and disappear under my leg. There was a long line of the oozy sticky substance going into the drain at the end of the tub. My eyes glanced at the blade. It was caked in blood, I rested it against my forehead.

I dropped the shape object into the tub, it made a loud clank noise. What was I doing? Why was I doing this? Harm myself? Maybe I am crazy, I've lost it. More than ever was I insane. Sure my parents are gone. I've lost them, my mental orientation had to go with them. My world is crumbling at my finger tips. The harm gives me control. If my brothers ever found out about this they would reject me. Rejection makes me want to carve again. Self-mutilation is related mental disorders I've heard. I guess that would mean that I'm mental.

Turning on the bath water I thought about what would Dally do. He would reject me too. They all would. No one would understand. I don't even think my parents would have. Not even Dad, and he had an answer for everything. With the water I cleaned up my mess. I wrapped my leg with gauze that was in the medicine cabinet. Before leaving the room I made sure there was no sign of blood anywhere. After pulling my pants on I limped out of the bathroom with blade in hand.

Before laying on the couch I flipped the blade closed and placed it in my pocket. On the couch I held tightly onto my mother's necklace. My leg was throbbing. It was almost unbearable, to say the least. How stupid could I get? This is the last and _FINAL_ time I will ever cut myself. Never again will I harm myself because I lose control of my emotions. If I ever have an emotional break down again I'll distract myself by working out. By training, getting myself into shape. I promised myself that, no more blood shed at my own hand.

I cried myself to sleep around four and was waken up by a yelling Steve and Two-bit. "_RISE AND SHINE LUCY LOU! IT'S TIME TO MOVE SOME FURNATURE!_"

Steve screamed into my face as he sat on my lap. The pain than shot through me was indescribable. It zipped to the top of my head down my spinal column and to my toes. With his weight making my jeans rub up against my mistake on my leg, I yelped. Immediately he jumped off me.

"Are you okay?" he asked in my face looking apologetic.

"I would be if I didn't have to wake up to screaming greasers in my face." I said pushing him away from me. Than as I got up and walked to my room. I limped a little forgetting anyone was in the room. The house was buzzing with excited teenage greaser boys, even my Pony was up already. Another mistake was on my part by for forgetting.

"Hey, why are you limping?" Pony asked stopping me for going to my room.

"What are you talking about? Limping? I'm not limping." I said giving him a look that told him he was seeing things. With steady legs I walked the rest of the way to my room, making sure I wasn't walking unevenly. Dally was still laying on my bed where I left him only he was awake and smoking with the window open again. He looked over at me with a blank face.

"You okay? You look a little pale."

"Dal, I've looked pale for the past six days." I said laughing.

"Well you looked a lot better yesterday so I'm just wondering if anything happened that I should know about." why was he being so protective? He's never like this. And does he know what I don't want him to know? Nope, the blank look doesn't lie

"Did you sleep good on my bed?"

"Yeah, best sleep I've had in weeks. Didn't mean to take your bed." I stole his cig and took a drag than handed it back to him.

"Don't worry about it, I barely slept anyway." I started to change after I shut the door, I knew he wouldn't look if I asked him not too.

"Close your eyes or get out." he didn't close his eyes but he sat up and leaned out the window breathing in the fresh air as he smoked. Weird combination if you ask me.

Pulling the switchblade from my pocket I changed into a pair of loose shorts that I left out of the clothes I packed, along with a t-shirt of my Dad's. After changing I packed the clothes into an open box and closed it off. Dally and me left the room and went into the dining room. As we sat down Darry and Soda walked in with bags of hot breakfast sandwiches from the DX station. Everyone got two sandwiches except for me, I ate half of one.

"Lucy, don't waste the other half. Just eat it." Soda said with a mouth full of food.

"I'm not very hungry." I said sliding it over the table at him. "You eat it."

As I stood up I made yet another mistake and stood on my left leg. I went leaning to my left and almost fell onto Steve's lap. He straightened me up and when back to his food. "Ya dizzy Luc?"

"No. My foot was asleep." yet another lie, it was becoming natural.

"I'm going to get all of the stuff out of the bathroom and pack it. Wouldn't want it to go to waste." I left the room to let them all eat in peace. When I came out with a small box full of everyone's toothpaste, soap and other stuff everyone was sitting in the living room. Soda was pacing back and forth looking mighty serious while everyone was trying to hold in their laughter. Darry was smiling but I knew he was in control. Dally was looking at me and when he realized he was he focused on Soda.

"GOOD! Lucy please take a seat." after setting the box on the table I sat on the arm of the couch with my feet on Pony's lap.

"Now gentlemen and Lucy, we have a mission today." he had a stick in his hand that he was waving around and pointing at us. I'm so glad that he hasn't changed in all of this. He has his bad times but Soda really knows how to lighten a room up.

"Cut it out little buddy." Darry said looking at the group. "There is no time to waste. They told me we have to be out by three o'clock sharp. Everything goes that's here. I've already sold everything else, lets get a move on men." everyone turned their heads to Soda.

"WHAT DARRY SAID!" he hollered pointing the stick to the ceiling. All the boys erupted in a cheer and began to carry the furniture into the truck.

"We'll make a few trips so don't break anything putting it into the Ford." Darry said as he watched everyone start to get to work. He turned to me.

"Hi."

"Hey, how ya doin?" I asked smiling at my brother.

"Truthfully a little sad but excited for the future."

I put my hand on his heart. "You know Luc, your probably the only one I could have told that to."

Brother smiled thankfully at me and I gave him a hug. Than we got to work. After ten minutes the first load was full on the Ford. Darry, Dally and Two-bit went to drop it off. We made about four trips before we had everything except three boxes. Everyone was standing front as they loaded the last box. We all stared at the house for a few minutes before Johnny said we should get going because it was two thirty. Everyone got into the truck and in the bed of the truck. Two-bit offered his hand and lifted me into the bed of the truck. Was sat down and the truck started moving with Darry driving with Johnny and Pony in the cab the rest of us in the bed. Than something occurred to me something was missing.

"WAIT!" I hollered, Darry slammed on the breaks and turn the truck off. I swung my legs over the side of the truck and landed on my left leg. Today was just not my day. With my hand leaning on the truck I bent over feeling like I was going to throw up from the overwhelming sensation. Soda jumped down next to me trying to see my face.

"What's the matter?"

"I landed wrong." I said sucking in some air. "Give me a sec." they believed me, I was surprised they did.

"Did you forget something?" Darry asked getting out of the truck.

"Yeah, I have a feeling I did. Just don't remember what." everyone was silent.

"I'll go look."

Soda looked at me uneasily. "Want me to come with?"

"Sure." I grabbed Soda's hand than looked at Darry. "You guys go ahead, I think I'll be a few minutes. Soda and me can walk."

Sodapop nodded to our older brother. "You sure?" We both agreed as we started toward the house.

Hand in hand we walked into the house. It was so empty and vacant. We looked in every room twice. Nothing was out of place, nothing was forgotten. With my hand I would trace the walls in each room. Soda started to cry when we got to our parents room for the second time. We sat on the carpeted floor together. He had his head in his hands and was rocking himself. I was rubbing his back and humming to him. His song is Unchained Melody by Righteous Brothers.

"You sound just like her when you do that." he said calming himself down.

"Even when you hum to Ponyboy it relaxes me. I bet if you sang you'd sound like her too. When you two would sing together you'd have different voices but now I think you would sound like her."

We stood up and looked in my room one more time. Than it hit me, the bar. I dashed outside. And pointed to the damn thing. "That's what I forgot."

"Oh Lucy, do you really need it?" Soda said going over and putting his hands on it.

"Yes, unless you want to make me a new one." I said smiling.

"Okay I will."

"Soda I was just kidding."

"I wasn't, my baby sister wants a new gymnastics bar thingy to practice on than I'll make her one." Soda said grabbing my hand and leading me to the front yard.

"That one is all messed up and tainted anyway." I said looked back at it. As we left the front yard I blew a kiss to the house, biding farewell.

My brother and I walked to our new home. It wasn't more than a mile away from our old one. The house is the same amount of walking time to the DX, the park, school and everywhere else. I like to walk even though no one likes me walking alone. Well I say screw that. Our new home isn't bad looking on the outside. It could use some work. On thing that I like is that I doesn't have a railing around the front of it, I can freely jump off it whenever I please. When I got inside it looked like a male had decorated the room. Maybe that's because a male did.

Everyone was setting things up. I decided to do that in my room. Squeezing past all the boys I when to my new room. The house set up is pretty much the same. Four bedrooms, one bath and a kitchen. Everything was just a lot smaller. When I got in my new room Dally was in there setting up my bed. He glanced at me and I smiled. He didn't smile back, not even a smirk. It made me sad not so see him do that, Dally is my normalcy in this. I need him.

What am I thinking? I don't need Dallas Winston, I'm a independent woman. I don't need anybody. But it does feel nice to have someone. Maybe after things cool down I'll go out on a date with someone or something. I didn't take long for me to unpack my clothes so once I was done hanging my new attire and folding my old, I went to unpack the kitchen. Before leaving my room I changed into a dress. I just felt like it.

It was a cream color with light red stripes going across. The dress is just above knee length, it was so comfy and fitting. My outfit was topped off with my black and white converse, my switchblade in the side of my high top. I think I looked pretty damn good. Surprisingly when I got to the kitchen everything was already unpacked. Everything was ready to be used, the only thing missing was food.

"Hey Dar, ya want me to head to the store for food?"

"Where did you get that?" Pony said pointing to my clothes.

Patting him on the head I said. "This is one of Mom's old dresses, she showed me once. Said it was a dress she used to wear when she was my age. Grandma let her make it."

"You look nice it."

"Thank you." I smiled. "Now Darry about the food, ya want me to go?"

"Sure take the truck." he handed me the keys.

"Darry, I can't drive." I said giggling. He than laughed at himself.

"Sorry, forgot. Take someone who can with you. Go ask, I'll make you a list and get you some money."

"HEY GREASERS!" I yelled.

"WHAT!" they answered either annoyed or amused.

"Anyone want to drive me to the grocery store?"

"I'll drive ya." Steve said which was my last guess on who would have offered.

"I'll come two." Soda said smiling.

After Darry handed me the list and money we all headed out in the truck. My twin and his friend were messing around and laughing about everything. When we got to the store it was pretty full with Saturday shoppers. We split up, me actually getting food on the list while Steve and Soda goofed off in the frozen food section. I didn't mind though, it was easier to shop without babysitting them.

I had a basket around my arm as I entered the produce section. Trying to remember what fruits and veggies I gate when I was in training. I ate a lot of radishes and bananas I know. I got some of those and went to grab a head of lettuce that was on the list. When I started putting it in the bag I heard a high pitch voice about five feet away.

"Oh well look who it is, Lil Lucy Curtis. Buying produce are we Curtis?" Julie fucking Holland, this isn't going to end well. Where is Soda and Steve when I need them?

"Yeah." I tried playing it cool and but wasn't doing a very good job. I could see her black eye, man did it look like it hurt. "Nice face ya got there Julie."

"You're looking extra trampy today, is it a holiday or something?" if there was any possible way to take away that girls voice it would give my life to do it.

"I'm not dealing with you today." I said putting my hand up in her face as I walked off.

"Oh yes you will, I'll see you outside." Okay! Like I cared. Why was she even on this side of town, dumb bitch. As I passed through the cake aisle Sodapop and Steve told me they were going to talk to some buddies across the street and that they would meet me at the truck. As soon as the words left Soda's mouth I felt a little worried that Julie would become a bigger issue if I was alone. But I waved the feeling off and took the keys form him so I could get in.

Soon after I finished; shopping, paying and putting the food in the back of the truck I had forgotten all about Julie. Until I saw her walking up to me with one of her friends. Both of them smacking their mouths with bubble gum. Second most annoying noise in the universe. One, her voice. Two lips smacking together while chewing a substance.

"That's a lot of food for an orphan, don't you think Ruth?" Ruth is Julie's third ass cheek. Never leaves her side unless she's told to. She's Julie's bitch, her sidekick but in a horrible unattractive way. Defiantly not like the comics.

"Go away."

"No! I want to talk to you about the other day."

"Don't be dumb Julie. I can't be hold accountable for what happens to you. Besides no body will call the fuzz in this neighborhood." I said smirking as I used Steve's line. When ever anyone would freak about cops being involved with anything he would holler at the top of his lungs telling them no one cares about the fuzz. It always made me laugh.

My smirk completely disappeared and my face became hot as soon as the word left her mouth. "No need to bother apologizing to her. Her daddy was a cheap, perverted drunk along with her mother who was just a simple used up street whore. Lets go Ruth."

That was the last straw! When you bring my parents into this your dead. I leapt on top of her, I sat on her back. My knees holding down her elbows and pressing them down into the pavement. Ruth tried to grab me but I violently pushed her into the truck and she stayed away. As I pulled out my blade I flipped it open making a small click. As I leaned forward to her ear I put more pressure on her arms.

Venomously I'm talked to her. "I'm going to take away something important to you just like something important was taken away from me."

"CRAZY BITCH!" she screamed. I began to slice through her bleached hair. Pulling and ripping while I cut. Clumps and clumps blew away in the wind. She cried for help but none came. There was only a little bit of blood caked onto her hair strains. Ruth watched the entire time, staring. Maybe she was jealous I got to do this to her before she had the chance. Half of her hair was gone and I was hoisted off of her. I was than thrown into the truck, blade in hand. Soda pointed at me.

"Stay." okay so now I'm a dog. Steve helped Julie off the ground and she screamed at him.

"Let me go you filthy greaser! _LUCY YOU WILL PAY!_" Empty threats from a now half bald soc. I smiled at my work. Her hair was her prized work, she told me when we were little her exact words.

'I love my hair. I don't know what I'd do without it.' she has some fucked up parents, the only thing she has are her looks and money. I don't have either of those and I'm twice the better person she is. And I'm not just saying that to make myself look better. She stormed off wailing about her locks and Steve and Soda got in the car. This is going to be a long night.


	13. Another Way

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is the only think I own so far. ;) I might add more peoples later but yea I own nothing.

Sorry for the weird time warp in this chapter, I hope it's not confusing.

* * *

**Living For**

_Another Way_

The cab of the truck was uncomfortably silent. But the looks on the boys faces told me they wanted to speak up. Steve kept glancing at me with a small smirk, he tried to hide it but it grew when he caught sight of the blade I held in my lap. It had blood and blond hair stuck to it. Soda was clenching the steering wheel which looked to be out of anger. But his face was calm and concerned. Finally he found his voice.

"Why did ya do it?" he wasn't yelling which I was thankful for.

"She deserved it!" I spat out making both the young men next to me jump. They weren't expecting such a violent venomous answer from my normally calm voice.

"I don't think she did Lucy. First you punch the shit out of her face and now you've given her a damn hair cut!" Soda wailed cursing. He never curses so he must be upset about this.

"Soda you know me better, I wouldn't do it if I didn't have a good reason." when I went to explain to him and Steve, he calmly spoke to me again. Steve was trying to suppress laughter in his throat.

"We can talk to Darry about it." He glanced over at Steve. "Shut up Steve."

"Sorry." Steven composed himself quickly and we pulled up to the house. Soda and Steve jumped out, Steve leaving his door open for me to do the same. They grabbed all the bags out of the back while I sat in the cab. I was staring at the blade, now that I was thinking about it I felt remorse. Darry is probably going to make me apologies like Mom and Dad would have. They would have said 'I don't care what she said to you, she didn't deserved to get attacked.'

The hell she didn't! That witch has been on my case ever since we stopped being friends. Just like Brain Richards has ever since he's met me. I think I heard the other day they were going steady. God I hope not, talk about personal hell.

I know I'm delaying the inevitable, Soda wouldn't let me though. He came walking out of the house to the open door. My twin had a hand on his hip and I knew I had to go in. Flipping my blade closed I put it back in my high top. As I slid out of the truck my dress came up on my legs. Revealing the bandage on the top of my left thigh. It was only for s split second so I hoped Sodapop didn't notice.

"What was that?" he said pointing to my left leg hidden in my dress.

"What?" I said trying to play it cool when on the inside I was dying to just run away from my twin.

"Looked like ya had a bandage on your leg, do you?"

"No, why would I?"

"I don't know Lucy, lets go." he said shutting the car door and throwing his hand up in the air.

Sodapop dragged me inside the house and everyone was lounging around the new living room. The TV already hooked up. Steve was very fidgety in the armchair, he looked up at me as I passed to the go to the kitchen. Darry was in there putting the food away. When I looked down at Steve he smirked and winked. Out of fear, anxiety, anger, pressure and sadness I flipped him off which just made his smirk turn into a smile.

"Steve stop it." Soda said pushing me toward the kitchen. I'm sure that if it was something small Soda wouldn't be telling on me. Maybe he was a bit freaked out about what I did. I know I am, just a little. Darry isn't the official guardian yet but it sure seemed like he was. He was the authority of my brothers and me but the gang as well, he's always been a leader.

When we got in the kitchen he looked over at me and smiled. "Good job Luc, everything looks accountable."

"Darry, I think we need to talk in your room." Soda said with a stone face. Something Soda almost never has.

"What's the matter?" Darry asked putting the chocolate milk in the fringe. He than followed me and Soda into his room.

Darry shut the door behind him as I sat on the bed. "What's up?"

"Today at the store while Steve and I were talking to Pen Pen across the street, Lucy ran into Julie Holland."

"What did you do Lucy? Did ya beat her up again?" Darry said looking down at me with disappointing eyes.

"She cut her hair off with a blade. Girl was heartbroken." Soda said shaking his head.

"YOU DID WHAT!?" Darry yelled stomping his foot.

"Darry I had a good…"

"A good reason? Huh?" I nodded. "That's no excuse for doing that to her Lucy, give it to me."

Darry stuck out his hand at me ordering me to hand over the blade. NO! I screamed in my head. It's mine! I need it! But he shook the outstretch hand at me. Pulling the blade from my shoe I handed it to him.

"Your grounded until the court date, that means no leaving the house unless its for school. And even that you have to have one of our brothers with you, got it?"

"But Darry you didn't hear what she said!" I defended myself more out of honor than anger.

"No excu…..""The first time I bashed her head in was for a good reason too. She came up to me and "apologized" for our lose." I used air quotes when I said the word.

"When she was walking away she looked over her shoulder and sneered 'Well good riddance, right?' Than today she said that Dad was a cheap, perverted drunk. She said Mom was a used up street whore!" I screamed tears falling from my eyes.

"Now you tell me something Darrel, if some guy said that to you about Mom and Dad what would you do? You would have done the same damn thing!" pointing my finger at him I hollered.

"You would too Soda. My parents deserve respect! I don't know about yours!"

My brothers stared at me for a minute, both gapping at my outburst. "Why did you cut her hair?" Soda suddenly said.

"I wanted to take something important away from her and let her know how it feels." I said leaving the room. My feet brought me straight to my bedroom. It was dark in there but I didn't bother to turn the light on. After locking the door behind me I laid on my side on the bed and cried.

Maybe I wasn't right for hurting Julie, it will surely come back to bit me in the ass. I don't care though, I had the right of way in some aspect of the situation. More than Julie had anyway. The punishment wasn't that bad in my eyes, I deserved it. Just like Holland deserved to know how I felt only I'm sure I have it ten times worse. Her hair will grow back, my parents will never be alive again. I deserve the sentence just like my parents deserve respect.

I sobbed for quite some time before there was a knock on my door. "Who is it?" I choked out.

"Ponyboy, let me in." getting off the bed I unlocked my door and went back to the position I was in. Pony came in and turned the light on after clicking the door shut.

"They told me what happened." he said sitting on the bed next to my legs.

"Did Steve tell everyone?"

"Yeah." God damn it Steve and his big mouth.

"Are you in here to yell at me too?"

"No, I came to make sure you were alright. From the look of things it doesn't look like you are." I shook my head no into my pillow. Pony leaned over and picked me up in his arms. He hugged me as we sat on my bed.

"Thanks Pon." he than pulled apart and left the room closing the door. Knowing I wanted to be alone. The next person to come in was Two-bit, I'm not sure why. It seemed like they were sending everyone in one at a time to check on me or hell I don't know.

"I'm proud of ya Luc." Two-bit yelled trying to make me laugh. I didn't though, I wanted to but couldn't stop crying. Guilt, anger, sadness, pride and lots of other things ran through my head and into my blood stream. Maybe I should apologize, I bet I'll feel better. Well I'd feel better than I feel right now. I don't care that he is proud of me, it just make me feel worse. Dizzily I got off the bed and fell into Two-bit.

"Take it easy Luc. It'll be alright." I pulled away from him and left for the front door. Determined to not let my pride get in the way of doing something right. Those things she said were false and I know that. Me knowing is the only thing that matters. As I walked to the front door Darry stopped me.

"You can't leave unless one of the Curtis's is with you." he spoke of our family like it wasn't his.

"I'm going to go apologize."

"Why, what she said was mean and untrue." I gaped at brother with tears rolling down my face.

"Because I feel horrible and I think if I say sorry I'll feel better."

"It's not worth it honey, come on in here and we'll make ya feel better." Soda said patting the space next to him on the couch. Darry whispered in my ear.

"I know where you were coming from. Sorry to be so harsh on you."

"Does this mean the punishment is taken away?" I asked giving him a hug.

"Yes." we hugged for a little bit longer while I cried lightly onto his shirt.

"Don't cry baby girl, she had it coming." with my uncontrollable emotions I started to cry harder. Darry hugged me tighter, I was gasping now. Just so everyone knows, never hold your emotions in for too long. Because when you really need to hold them in you can't anymore.

"Luc, it'll be okay." he tried to sooth my crying but failed. I tried to seize the tears but they kept coming. While I hyperventilated I clench to Darry.

"I think I'm going to pass out." Darry sat me down on the closest chair.

"Breath in and out baby girl."

"It hurts to." everyone was staring at me and Darry.

"Everyone better scat." Darry told them. He probably thought the room was crowed. Everyone got up without augment and left the house. Pony and Soda went into their rooms.

"Dar, just give me a minute would ya?"

"Sure baby girl." Darry got off the floor and went into his room. A few minutes later I calmed myself down and went back to my room. After grabbing a glass of water from the kitchen I went to bed. Surprisingly I fell asleep really quick and it was a fitful rest.

**(Friday)**

Its been exactly twelve days since they've died. Its been exactly six days since I had the run in with Julie. There's been three days since Darry got full custody of Pony, Soda and myself. The trial was supposed to be today but they moved it because someone dropped their scheduled time. Everyone dressed up nice like we did on the day of the funeral. The gang didn't go because Darry wouldn't let them. They called all four of us up to be questioned one by one.

Darry went first, I could tell he was nervous even though he stuck out his chest confidently. He told the court that he wanted to take care of us because that was what our parents would have wanted and that he loved us too much to give us up. Soda told them that Darry was his best friend, which is a little fib because Steve is, but they bought it and sent Pony up to the stand. Ponyboy started crying while up there, I don't know if he meant to or not but they sent me up after him.

They asked me if I would be more comfortable in a girls home because I wouldn't be surrounded by men all the time. I told them that I grew up like that and I wanted to live with my brothers now and forever. We waited about three hours until they made a decision and we were sent home together. They told us that we would be visited by a social worker every three months and that the court would be monitoring our progress. Pony and I with grades, Soda and Darry with bills.

It's been two days since Darry got his second job. Four days since Soda started his job at the DX. Him and Steve work together in the afternoons when Steve's gets out of school. Johnny came in last night with a broken finger and busted lip. I was the only one up and he begged me not to wake my brothers. The poor kid was in tears, I fixed up his finger and made him a bed on the couch. I stayed up with him until he fell asleep and than I stayed with him even though I didn't need too. Last night I only got three hours of sleep.

The last time I saw Dally was Tuesday and he didn't say three words to me. I'm beginning to wonder if I did something wrong, I go over the days events in my head and nothing adds up. It's been six hours and fifteen minutes since I cried. It was in the middle of class when no one was watching. I went to the bathroom to calm down and ended up crying more. Julie told me later today that she was going to get me. Seeing her with Brain's meaty arm around her made me want to barf up blood.

I've started training since Monday, four days ago. I only have three months of training to go until tryouts on November third. Soda started building me a new bar for the back yard on Tuesday. Him and Steve said they would make it longer and wider so its easier to practice on. They've only worked on it with scrap metal from the garage at the DX. Steve said they'd be done with it by the up coming Monday.

No one has found out about my cutting. It's been two days since I last carved into my leg, the third time I had done it. I am ashamed and disappointed in myself, I should have just gone for a run instead. Everyone was home too, that's what makes it so weird. Everyone was awake and no one noticed that I had been in the bathroom longer than it takes for me to shower. I used a needle since Darry took away my knife. It has to stop, I've told myself so many times. But when I'm alone or really upset I feel the craving to do it. In a way I'm proud of myself because I've had the urge to do it more than once this week. But two days ago I just couldn't control the urge.

Earlier today I had the strong need to carve again. Instead, as soon as I came home I changed my clothes and started practicing hand stands. For the past four days I've been training my limbs and back so I can lift myself. So I can do all the old tricks without hurting myself. I think I need to work on my balance because I've been in the middle of the living room kicking myself in the air while on my hands and I keep falling. I've got the muscle it's the balance I need to work on. As soon as I got that down I could start doing pushups were I'm only on my hands. It was the best way to build my strength, I wish I had my old coach to help me.

No one is home, just me and my floor. Speaking of it I've hit it forty two times. I've notices that lately I've started to count things when I'm bored, upset or really focused. Its starting to annoy the crap out of me. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute and every single second in that minute I count. So here I am, frustrated out of my mind, counting and falling.

I went up against the wall and trough my feet up. The wall held me steady and I tried to slid myself from the wall to keep my balance. My body weight leaned forward and I fell on my head. Out of frustration and tiredness I banged my feet and fist onto the floor. Cursing very loudly while I did so. During my tantrum someone walked into the door, it was Dally.

"What are ya doin?" he said wandering over me into the bathroom. He disappeared into the bathroom and than came back out after a minute or two.

"What are ya doin?" he repeated.

"I teaching myself to do hand stands again." I breathed out standing up.

"Here I'll give you some advice, your suppose to do it on your hands." he smirked as I flipped my feet back onto the wall.

"I know that smartass." I said upside-down. As I pulled away from the wall I talked to him. "Where ya been lately?"

"Around."

"Not around here, ya doin okay?" than I fell on my back with a thud.

"Better than you since I'm not on the floor." he said smirking.

"No I'm serious."

"What's with all the questions? I came to hang out with you not get interrogated." Dally said storming out of the house as Soda and Steve were coming in the door.

"What's wrong with Dal. He looks really cheesed." Soda said throwing off is shoes and looking at the mail. He carried the mail with him to get a glass of chocolate milk, something he does everyday.

"He'll be back." I mumbled. Than I remember that I was supposed to be at Natalia's for a girls sleepover night with her and Rocky as six. Soda gets home around than sometimes.

"What time is it?" I asked jumping off the floor.

"Five forty two. Why?"

"Damn, I've got less then twenty minutes." I said flying toward my room. Exiting with a dress in hand. As I ran to the bathroom and took a quick shower and came out fully dressed with my wet hair flailing everywhere. As I stuffed things into my bag, Soda came to see what the fuss was all about.

"Where ya going?"

"Hanging with Natalia and Rocky. I'm spending the night and we are going to a party."

"Does Darry know?" he asked

"Yeah, I asked him yesterday morning if I could go." I went out of my room bag in hand looking for my shoes. There they are, I dove on the floor for them.

"Can I come?" Soda said laughing as I kept trying to get my converse on, missing the whole to put my foot.

"Nope. It's a girls night, sorry twiny." before leaving I kissed him on the forehead.

"HEY!" Steve called. "What about me?" I ran back inside and kissed him on the cheek.

"Love you." I said laughing. My twin and my friend hollered after me when I was down the steps.

"LOVE YOU TOO!"

I ran to Natalia's house out of excitement and being late. When I got there they were waiting outside for me. "Where ya been?" I got hugs from both of them.

"Lost track of time, sorry. Are ya ready to go?"

"Fuck yeah!" Rocky said throwing her fist in the air.

"Its party time!" they both said. After I set my stuff inside the door we were off. The party was just a block away and Natalia said that it was a start early and end late party. Rocky added in that it was the best kind of party. There was a lot of people hanging around in the front yard. Music blasting through the open windows and doors. I've never seen such a party, sure I've been to some real shindigs but this was insane.

Natalia and Rocky automatically started dancing as we entered the living room. Than I realized that I didn't even know who the hell's this party was. I didn't bother asking because Rocky and Natalia pulled me onto the dance floor. At first I was really tense and up tight but after a few minutes of taking in the atmosphere I dance wildly with a guy I didn't know.

After a few songs of dancing with him we the two of us went into the kitchen. He handed me a cup of what looked like beer. Before taking a swing I smelt it, yep beer.

"What's your name?" he said smiling and leaning against the counter. He was standing over me to my right. His skin was really soft looking even with the scar he had on his left cheek. The kids dark black hair was slicked back with grease and he was very well built.

"I'm Lucy." I never give out my last name until I know a person.

"I'm Will." he said taking a sip of beer.

"Thanks for the dance. You're a really good dancer." Will complemented.

"Thanks, I try." giggling I responded.

"So how old are you?" he asked playing with a strand of my hair. He was mighty handsome for a hood, and gentle looking.

"I'm sixteen, you?"

"Seventeen." the two of us had a few beers and talked about each other for most of the night. It was getting later in the night, almost two. Than I heard a scream from the next room, sounded like Natalia.

"Excuse me!" I said running into the next room. Will followed me.

Natalia was being pined against the wall by an unknown man, he was licking her neck aggressively. There were so many people around but no one noticed, except me and Will. I dashed for the guy knocking the both of them over. Before I killed this guy I pulled Natalia up and away from him. When I went to spring into action, Will had already beat me to it. He was hacking on the guy with his big strong fists.

Grabbing Natalia and finding Rocky I ran us out the door. Rocky was scolding me for pulling her away from the guy she was all over. "What the hell Lucy?"

"Are you okay?" looking at Natalia worried.

"I'm fine, just a little spooked."

"LUCY WHY THE HELL DID Y….!"

"Natalia was about to get raped, where were you!?" I screamed. She gaped at me, Will was walking up to us.

"Oh yeah, you were too busy sucking face with the first guy you saw!"

"Stop it Lucy, it wasn't her fault. It was that pigs!" she said point to the house.

"Lets just get out of here." Rocky said starting to walk away.

"Not without a kiss goodbye." Will said chuckling.

As I walked up to him I couldn't help but smile. "Thanks for helping us back there. I was going to kill that guy but you beating the hell out of him is enough for me."

He laughed smiling down at me. "Can I have your number?"

Will handed me a pen and I wrote my number on the inside of his hand. "Keep it safe." I said smiling.

"Great, I'll call you sometime so we can kick it or something." I nodded and gave him a small hug.

"Thanks again for that dance." he said.

"Thanks for beating up that guys." I said pulling apart. He had my hands in his when I was trying to walk away. I didn't want to leave and we just kept saying goodbye.

"Bye."

"I'll see you again." He said.

"Night."

"Yeah night, be careful walking home." Will told me.

"I will, bye."

"Bye."

"LETS GO LUCY!" after waving goodbye I caught up with my girls. We were walking back to Natalia's house for the sleep over.

"That party was so amazing!" Rocky said jumping into the air.

"Who was that guy Lucy?" Natalia said in a sing song voice.

"His name is Will."

"So what's he like?" Rocky said demanding details.

"Well he's seventeen. He lives with his Mom and works for his uncle on weekends."

"What does he do?" Natalia asked smiling.

"Fixes watches and televisions and stuff. I think he might have been bragging but he said he could fix pretty much anything."

"He sure was cute. If you don't take him, I will." Rocky said as we approached a street light. There was a guy leaning up against it like he owned it. I put my hands out in front of the girls to slow their pace.

"Lets go another way."

"Why this is the fastest way to my house? Besides we are like five houses away from it." Natalia said.

"I've got a bad feeling." I told them making them stop.

"Your just being paranoid Lucy, lets go." Natalia moved in front of my hand and started walking. The guy tensed up as she approached with me right beside her. He lunged at her than her and Rocky screamed bloody murder.


	14. Pain Hurts More Than I Thought

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is the only think I own so far. ;) I might add more peoples later but yea I own nothing.

Sorry for all the POVs but it had to be done XD

* * *

**Living For**

_Pain Hurts More Than I Thought _

"Your just being paranoid Lucy, lets go." Natalia moved in front of my hand and started walking. The guy tensed up as she approached with me right beside her. He lunged at her without warning, her and Rocky screamed bloody murder.

Everything was so slow after hearing their screams or terror. Rocky was clenching onto my shoulder so I pushed her off me. I willed myself to move forward, to speed up. A jolt of adrenaline shot through my spine and into my nerves. My left arm lunched itself in front of Natalia. With my right hand I shoved Natalia backwards with such force she fell to the ground.

As soon as she hit the ground things sped up again. I looked at my shoulder, the man had tried to stab my friend and stabbed me instead. For an unknown crazy reason I couldn't feel the pain. My eyes saw the blade, it was sticking out from my arm close to my shoulder. The man's hand was holding the handle tightly, I could see his tense veins in his hand. With a small heave he ripped the blade from my shoulder, that's when I felt the pain.

I've gotta stay focused, this pain is nothing. My eyes were blurry for a second as I looked the man over. He was wearing a black sweat shirt and torn dirty jeans. His face was covered by his hood but I could see a small beard trailing out for inside. Rocky just kept screaming when he lunged at me, sticking his sharp object out in front of him. Dodging the blow I grabbed his arms and pushed him into the light pull with my entire strength. I held him back with all my might.

"_GO CALL 911!_" I screamed over my shoulder. None of the girls made a move, they were frozen. Rocky was hysterical on the ground clenching onto the fence next to her.

"_DAMN IT! MOVE!_"I yelled as the guy tried to break free. Someone was on my side because I have no idea how I was holding him back. My arm was bleeding profusely and I was starting to get dizzy.

Natalia took off down the street in a fast sprint, to her house I suppose. When I sucked in a breathe the man was able to break free. He whipped the knife at me and cut my stomach, Rocky screamed like she was the one getting hurt. I jammed my right fist into his face as many times as I could when I got an opening. As I jumped out of the way I fell to the ground. The man went to stab me in the stomach but I moved and he stabbed me into the left leg. Finally I screamed out in pain, it wasn't high pitch but more hoarse and gruff.

The guy tried yanking it out but I kicked him in the face with my right foot as hard as I could. Rocky was screaming my name now, like I was going to answer her. Than when I looked over at her, the guy was trying to hit her. Possibly to shut her up, I don't really know his motives. To think of it, why would he just attack us like that. Not asking for money or sex, just attacked us. With the last will in my body I tried to tear the blade from my muscle but was unsuccessful. Again and again I yanked with no victory. Thinking fast after hearing a dreadful cry from Rocky, I painfully broke the stubborn blade from my leg. Leaving some of it in my flesh but not caring as I started to crawl toward Rocky. He went for the fourth blow and I stuck the knife into his back. Making sure to get it on the left side, right below the shoulder blade.

After I heard a few chocking noise the man went limp. His heavy body sagged on top of Rocky. She screamed and yelled for him to get off. I stood up with the help from the fence and assisted her on lifting him off her. He rolled over onto the ground and finally I could see his face. He had a long dirty beard with dust and what looked like rocks in it. He looked surprised with his eyes wide open and blood shot. The mans face looked as though he had not washed it in months, and he had scars on his high cheeks from acne.

As I stepped past him I felt the achy sting of being stabbed in my leg. I got as far as the light pole and I sat leaning on it. Looking over at the dead guy I let out a small chuckle, relieved that it was over. Breathing hard I looked up at the sky, thanking God no one was hurt other than myself. Rocky had a busted lip but she would live. By the look on her face maybe she wont, the girl was shaking, scared to death. I saw her swallow hard as she stepped over the guy and sat in front of me. The pain was getting worse now, I couldn't contain myself any longer. All the adrenaline was wearing off and the sting was setting in. The feeling is indescribable, my mind was getting cloudy. Wow, pain hurts more than I thought it would.

A rough harsh-sounding groan escaped my lips. It was followed by an even harsher scream. Rocky went to touch me but shuttered away when I roughly shook my right leg. My body was shaking uncontrollably. With dizzy eyes I looked at Rocky, she was on her knees crying. I wanted to tell her it was over and she was safe but my mouth wouldn't form the words. Grunting in pain I hit the sidewalk with my right fist.

"Go see if Natalia is okay and that she called an ambulance." I commanded her to do. From experience with injuries and sickness, I knew I would soon be going into shock. My hands were starting to feel clammy. Weakness was setting in my body and I knew I would faint soon. Not to mention my pulse was crazy high, I could feel it in my throat.

"No, I have to stay here with you." She argued.

Grunting with a twisted face I harshly told her to go. That time she went, she practically flew down the street. The only thing I could think about was the pain. It prickled, it popped, stung, ached, it was unbearable. As I let out another scream a police officer came over to me. He looked oddly familiar, he was yelling in my face but I couldn't understand him. The last thing I felt before fainting was the cold pavement hitting my face.

**(Narrator POV until Lucy wakes up.)**

Back in the Curtis house hold a little bit after two, Sodapop started to get a dull but noticeable pain in his arm. He brushed it away as he watched late night TV with his favorite people. His older brother even sat with them because he didn't have to work the next day. It was mighty late but none of them cared, it was just good to be in nice company. Steve Randle his best friend was sitting next to him on his right, when his younger brother Ponyboy to his left.

A few minutes passed before Sodapop felt the pain again in his arm. This time it was a lot worse. With his right hand he rubbed his shoulder trying to sooth the irritation away. Than another pain shot into his leg and he winced getting his brother's attention.

"Ya okay Sodapop?" Pony asked concerned.

"I don't know, I've got this weird pain in my shoulder and leg."

"Let me take a look see." Pony said lifting up his brother's sleeve.

"There's nothing there, man." the pain got worse all of a sudden. Soda jumped from the couch and started to pace slowly. Everyone looked at him like he was crazy. There was a funny feeling in his stomach, in his sole that something was wrong. His mind wandered to the first person he could think of to be in trouble, his twin. When he went to tell everyone something was wrong, the phone rang. It rang again and Sodapop aggressively grabbed the phone putting it up to his ear.

**(Lucy POV)**

I'm moving, I'm in a car. Slowly and groggily I forced my eyes open. Out of habit I started to sit up but laid back down as my head swam. The pain was still harsh. When I looked around inside of the vehicle I realized I was in an ambulance. So that was what that noise is, and the strange lights. Inside the cab I was alone until the door opened at my feet and two men lifted me out.

They wheeled me into a building making great haste, a police officer right behind them. Everyone was talking to each other but I couldn't understand their words. I squeezed my eyes shut in pain and let out s grunt of displeasure. When was this going to end? Finally they pulled me into a room with lots of curtains around me. A women started cutting off my dress with a pair a shears. A man with a mask was putting gloves on. I could see the mask moving but all I heard was mumbling.

The women that cut my dress was messing around the area of where I was stabbed in the leg. Than I remembered about my parents message. It was the first time anyone had laid eyes on it and they were people I didn't know. Thinking of this just made the pain worse I wanted to see my brothers.

I wanted Darry's protection and his warm scent. My twin, I needed his reassuring smile in my sight. Ponyboy, I needed his love and compassion. The gang, I would have even settled for the gang instead of these people. Than I realized how much I needed to see them, with a cloudy mind I began to struggle at the hands of these strangers.

Two ladies were trying to hold me down but with an unknown strength I was almost off the table. Than the man with the gloves shoved me down gently while shoving something into my right arm. The cloudiness in my head moved to my eyes and soon I was again in darkness.

**(Narrator POV until Lucy wakes up.) **

Sodapop picked up the phone and flung it to his ear. "Hello?"

"Soda?" Natalia was on the other side of the phone panting frantically.

"Yeah, who's this?" Soda asked with equal franticness.

"Its Natalia, something's happened."

"_WHAT?" _he knew something was wrong.

"Rocky, Lucy and I were attacked on the way home from the party." She started to cry on the other end.

"_WHAT!?" _Sodapop's outbursts alarmed the rest of group.

"There was this guy Soda, he went to stab me but Lucy jumped in front of me and pushed me out of the way." she sobbed.

"Is Lucy alright?!" Darry stood up at the name of his baby sister.

"I don't know. Rocky just showed up telling me that Lucy wanted to know if I was alright and called an ambulance. Than when we went back to be with her the ambulance was loading her in. From the looks of it she was unconscious."

"Oh God!" he said feeling sick to his stomach.

"Listen we will meet you at the hospital and we'll all talk there." Natalia hung up the phone in a hysterical voice.

"Bye." Soda said absently as he turned to the group, baffled from what he had just heard.

"What happened to Lucy?" Darry asked very concerned.

"The girls were attacked, Lucy's in the hospital. Natalia said she'd meet us at the hospital so we can hear the whole story." the four boys wasted no time to gather their shoes and get into the Ford truck outside. They all squeezed into the cab of the vehicle and sped off toward the Tulsa Community Hospital.

Darry hastily parked and the four young men jumped out rushing towards intensive care. Ponyboy asked the lady at the desk about his sister and she point them in the right direction. As they went down hallway to hallway they finally made it to a waiting room with Natalia, her mother, Rocky and a police officer.

"Great your here!" Natalia said standing up with tears in her eyes.

"She didn't…" Soda asked fearing the worst.

"No, but they wouldn't tell us anything because we aren't family. The only thing they told us was she was alive." she said hugging Soda.

"You are the young gal's guardian?" one of the police officers asked.

"Yes sir, I'm Darrel Curtis." Darry stuck out as he introduced himself.

"Hello." the two men shook hands as did the other males in the room.

"Now that everyone is accounted for, I need to get my report." everyone sat in various chairs in the small open area. The officer stayed standing with a note pad in his hands.

"Young ladies, please tell me exactly what happed from the beginning of the evening to the end." he looked at Rocky and Natalia who were sitting side by side. Rocky was still shaking and Natalia had her arm around her friend's back.

"Rocky dear, why don't you tell him since you were there." Natalia said soothingly.

"Okay." she took in a breathe and let it out slowly. Everyone in the area was ready to hear what had happened to their friends and sibling.

"At the beginning of the night Natalia, Lucy and I went to a party. We arrived at the party around seven and left a little before two. Natalia was being harassed so we took to the streets, walked home like we walked there."

"Did you meet anyone with significant at the party?" the young officer asked writing everything down word for word.

"Well no one besides this really cute guy that Lucy gave her number too. He said he wanted to ask her on a date sometime. His name was Will."

"Okay, than as you gals were walking what happened?"

"We were a little more than three blocks or so from Natalia's house. As we came upon a light post with this guy leaning on it Lucy started to get a bad feeling. She tried to stop us to go another way." Rocky had a few tears fall from her bright hazel eyes.

"I wish I would have listened to her, none of this would have happened." Natalia said under her breath.

"So the both of you didn't believe her?" the officer asked.

"Well its not that. Lucy gets paranoid sometimes. For as long as I've known her she always gets bad feelings. I thought she was just being Lucy." Natalia informed the officer.

"Well isn't that somethin." the officer drawled out. "What happened after the three of you kept walking?"

"Natalia started walking in front of us. Lucy was right beside her in a second. I was clenching onto Lucy's shoulder because after she said that I was a little frightened." Rocky paused shaking her head like she was a little disappointed in herself.

"After that everything went so fast. The guy stepped away from the pole and then I saw was him lunging at Natalia. Lucy was the only one out of us that reacted, she pushed me away from her as she did to Natalia. Lucy then threw her arm in the way of the knife." the Curtis brothers all cringed at the mention of their sister in pain, as did Steven.

"I still don't know how Lucy did this but she pushed him up against the pole. Clearly she was in pain and bleeding but she fought him off so one of us would call 911. She yelled at us to go but neither of us moved. So she yelled again and Natalia ran to her house." Rocky wasn't going to leave anything out, she thought. She should have helped Lucy.

"Is that true?" the officer asked Natalia.

"Yes sir, I wasted no time when I got into my house."

"Okay miss, what happened after she left to call 911?" he directed his attention back to Rocky.

"Lucy and the man fought each other off for a while. Lucy dodging his attacks and planting her own. She got a few good hits to his face but she also got cut a few times." Rocky gestured with her hands.

"What where you doing during their scuffle?"

"I…was screaming and terrified to death." she looked away from the Curtis brothers, being ashamed for not helping their sibling.

"So you did not participate in the fighting?"

"No sir."

"Well what happened then?" he drawled out looking at Rocky intently.

"When Lucy went to dodge an attack she fell to the ground. He stabbed her in the leg . She kicked him in the face with her unwounded leg ."

Sodapop had painful tears in his eyes, he couldn't imagine watching his sister being hurt like that. Or watching a friend fight off a stranger while he sat there not doing anything. He wanted to yell at Rocky for not helping his sister, she was in the hospital and Rocky wasn't. As he sat next to his older brother he clenched his hand onto his brothers shirt, trying to contain himself. Darry had his hand on his kid brother's knee for support while he had his other on Pony's back.

"The guy than started to come on to me and punching me. I screamed for Lucy's help but I'm not sure I should have. After that I heard a strange ding noise then Lucy grunted in pain. The next thing I knew the guy coughed on my face and fell onto me. Lucy lifted him off me and went to sit against the light pole. She killed him."

"That a girl." Darry said to himself. He was proud of his sister for being so reactant to the situations. Though he wasn't happy she was in the position in the first place. But if it wasn't for Lucy he was sure all three of them would have been killed. That guy got what he deserved.

"What was Lucy's reaction to seeing the man dead and being hurt?"

"She chuckled at the guy with a pained expression on her face." Rocky told him.

"She chuckled?"

"Yes, I think it was out of relief or astonishment that she had done that. I know I was surprised she did it."

"What she do after she laughed?" he asked.

"She started to shakily scream and groan. Lucy was in a lot of pain and I had no idea what to do."

"One last question, you were not there when we arrived on scene, where did you go?"

"Lucy told me to make sure Natalia was alright and that she called an ambulance."

"Thank you very much, you did great. I'm going to wait for the doctor to get a report from him." The officer looked at Darry who nodded in understanding. The group waited for another twenty minutes before the doctor came through the door. Immediately Soda, Darry and Pony stood up. Darry sat Pony back down but when he went for Soda he was already asking the doctor is she was okay.

"Sir please sit down and I will give my report to the officer as to you." the doctor was a little irritated from it being early in the morning. Soda sat down as did Darry, the officer stood up ready to get his information.

"Lucy is still in crucial condition, she is also having some traumatic symptoms as was that young lady when she arrived at the hospital." he motioned to Rocky who was still shaking slightly.

"When Lucy arrived she was in critical condition from loosing a lot of blood. She had four knife wounds, two stabbings and two cuts. In the shoulder and her left leg. Her left leg had a piece of the knife stuck in her muscle. All pieces have been removed and she is soon to wake up." he breathed out looking at everyone's reactions.

"She will be here for a while before she can go home. We are hoping she will sleep because sometimes that helps in trauma cases. No one may see her until she is completely in stable condition. There is something else we must discuss but I am waiting for her to wake because she might want to tell you herself." The doctor bid the room with a small wave and a good night. The officer went to leave but Sodapop grabbed his arm.

"Sir, do you know who attacked them?"

"Sorry son but the guy didn't have ID so we will have to see. We'll contact you when we know." he nodded patting Soda on the shoulder.

"Good luck son." the officer left without another word. The whole room was silent for a while as they waited for more news.

"Sarah, why don't you take the girls home. Its late and nothing seems to be moving along. I'll call when we hear something." Natalia's mom nodded and escorted the girls out of the hospital but not before Natalia told everyone she was sorry. Everyone told her not to worry about it and it wasn't her fault, her mother brought her home with Rocky.

Once they had left Darry tried to get his younger brother and their friend to leave too but no one would budge. Eventually Pony fell asleep with his head in Soda's lap and Steve fell asleep against the wall. It was around three forty now but it seemed like it had been so much longer thought the two remaining Curtis brothers.

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:D okay I like this chapter, it is intense. Hope everyone enjoys, let me know what cha think J


	15. Letters,Day Fourteen

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is the only think I own so far. ;) I might add more peoples later but yea I own nothing.

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**Living For**

_Letters, Day Fourteen_

**(Lucy POV)**

I was in a little ball, on my right side. My legs were tucked tightly to my stomach. There was only a little light in the room when I forced my heavy eye lids open. The only one in the room besides myself was my twin. He was in front of me asleep in a chair. His legs were lazily propped up on the bed I laid in as he leaned back with his arms crossed over his chest. Poor guy must be worried to death about me, he shouldn't be though. In disappointment and annoyance I scowled at myself.

The sudden and immediate urge to go to the bathroom over came me. With much effort I turned over on my back. Hissing and squeezing my eyes shut at the pain I sat up. My body was trembling as I slid my body to the edge of the bed. I was going to get to the bathroom by myself if it killed me. As I leaned my feet onto the cold floor I noticed the ugly green and pink hospital gown I was wearing. Pushing the thought of ripping it off aside I put my weight onto my legs and started to pitter patter to the bathroom. With a steady hand on the wall I shut my eyes wanting the burning sensation in my legs to go away.

As I opened my eyes tears fell from them in utter agony. It took me forever to get there but I was in the bathroom with the door locked and shut. Sitting on the toilet my body went limp with relief. With my right hand I brushed the stray hairs from my forehead. Someone must have put my hair up but didn't do a very good job of it. I began to wonder how long I had been out and how safe everyone was while I flushed. Leaning my entire body into the sink I washed my hands and face. If I had been asleep for a few hours I wouldn't feel so gross. It's not that I stink it's just I feel sticky and gross. Well it might be because I'm sweating like a hog due to the stress on my body.

After tuning the water off and drying my skin, I flipped off the unattractive bruised girl looked at me. Pain shot up my leg and I lost my balance as I turned to the door. I crashed to the floor, yelping as the tiled floor crunched with my body. On the ground I grunted and harshly swore to the empty room, I could barely understand my own voice.

Sure it was stupid to do this by myself but I'm no cripple. Sitting up and leaning against the wall I panted loudly with my right hand cradling my left arm. I want my mommy, it sounds childish but I'd give up my entire left arm to have my mom here. Maybe my Dad kicked that guys ass that I killed. That man was sure to go to hell but I bet my Daddy wanted to have a talk with him first.

Sad and painful tears fell down my face once more. Only now I was crying for my parents, not for the pain. Yeah, the physical shit doesn't have anything on the mental. As I sucked in the liquid falling form my eyes I heard a hurried knock on the door.

"Lucy?" Soda sounded shocked and worried, I hope he didn't hear me fall. I went to open my mouth to answer but only a scratchy noise came out, making him even more worried.

"Let me in now!" he ordered. At first I tried pulling my body off the floor but failed miserable so I scooted my butt across the tile and unlocked the door. Soda threw the door open and went to run in but noticed I was on the ground.

He looked tired and worn. My twin crouched down next to me and had his hands hovering over my body like he would break me if he touched me. I tried to speak again but nothing came out except another noise. Sodapop looked me in the eyes, he looked scared almost. Reassuringly I put my hand on the back of his neck and rested my head against his. The both of us closed our eyes and I felt Soda's tears splash my cheek. Pulling apart he smiled weakly at me.

"Why didn't you wake me up? I could have helped you." he told me. I tired to answer but nothing came out. Forming a pretend cup with my right hand, I drank from, telling him I need something to drink. Immediately he grabbed a cup from the room and filled it with water from the sink in the bathroom. Handing it to me he crouched on the other side of me now, he was in the bathroom. Gulping down the water I placed the cup on the floor and sighed with relief as my throat was no longer dry.

Looking at Soda I started to pick myself up off the ground. He tried to help me but I pushed him away. "I can do it." I told him.

"Your so stubborn." he told me as he pushed me up even with my objection.

Leaning most of my weight on my twin we made our way to the bed. I sat down and fell back onto the bed wincing. My right hand held onto Soda's shirt clenching it and shaking my arm back and forth. The wave of displeasure subsided and I pulled the rest of myself onto the bed. Letting go of Sodapop he sat back in the chair on the other side of the bed.

"So why didn't you as me for help Luc?" he asked leaning forward with his forearms on the bed.

"Because I had to pee and didn't want to wake you. Besides if I can't even go to the bathroom by myself than I'm hopeless." I said painfully getting in a comfortable position but failing.

"Your in a lot of pain aren't ya? he frowned with his entire body it seemed like.

"Nothing I can't handle."

"I'll go get the nurse to tell her your awake." my body jumped from its leaning position with my arm outstretched in the air. If he got the nurse I would have to talk to her about everything, and I don't want that yet.

"NO!" I hollered falling back down from my outburst. "Don't leave me."

"Never." Soda told me sitting back down and grabbing my hand.

"Thank you." I whispered sighing in satisfaction that I could procrastinate more.

"How long have I been out?"

"Two days." Soda said letting go of my hand and running his fingers through his hair.

"Fourteen days." I whispered out loud.

"Umm no, I said two." my twin grinned at me sweetly. That's the Soda I needed to see.

"I mean fourteen days since….well ya know."

"I try not to think about it. Lately I've been more focused on you." he told me.

"Have you been here the entire two days?"

"Never left your side." my twin smiled at me letting me know he was there for me. But I wanted to tell him to go home and rest. But than again I didn't want to be alone, not yet anyway.

"Soda, you're the best." I said smiling for the first time since I woke up. The room was silent for a while. We just took in each other for company. Soda's eyes kept loosing focus and his head was dropping a lot. Than the door swung open and a chubby nurse walked in.

"Oh my, your awake!" she said happily, maybe a bit to happy for my tastes.

"How are you feeling dear?" the nurse came to my side as Sodapop sat up in the chair.

"Well I hope I don't look as bad as I feel." I told her trying to be friendly.

She giggled and looked at Soda. "I don't mean to be pushy but I'm going to need you to step out of the room for a moment."

"Why? She's my sister she needs me in here." Soda said a little defensive but politely. As he stood up a man in a white shirt and black tie walked in with a clip board.

"Mr. Curtis you may come back in when we are done discussing things. Get yourself something to eat at the end of the hall." the doctor sauntered my brother out of the room but not before he told me if I needed him just scream really loud. I softly giggled at him telling him to get something tasty to eat. The man closed the door behind him as Soda walked out of the opening of the room."Hello, nice to see you awake. My name is Dr. Sirts, it is a pleasure to meet you."

"Likewise sir." with heavy eyes I looked the man over. He was tall, taller than Darry maybe. He wore large glasses on the brim of his nose. His hazel eyes were smiling at me as he hugged his clipboard against his side. The man looked nice enough but I knew that this discussion was going to be troublesome.

"Lets get down to business. How long have you been awake?" Dr. Sirts made a serious face as he looked over the clipboard.

"About a half hour I think." looking off thoughtfully I answered.

"Are you in any pain?"

"A lot, but I do not want any accommodations for it." I told him straight off as I looked over at the nurse.

"Why wouldn't you dear? You might as well be comfortable because you will be here for at least another few nights." he looked at me than the nurse than back at me.

"It's hard to explain but I just don't want any painkillers" I looked him in the eyes when I said this, letting him know I was completely serious.

"That brings me to another topic, about your leg. Did you harm yourself?" there it was, the disgusting question that I didn't want to hear out loud.

"Yes sir." there is no use in lying, its plain as day. "Have you told my brothers?"

"No, I wanted you to tell them yourself. When was the last time you hurt yourself?"

"The first and the last time was fourteen days ago when my parents passed away." why the hell did I have to tell him? Even though I was lying about the last time but he didn't need to know. Now I wanted to be alone, I wanted to tell him to leave me the hell alone! "And for your information, I am not planning on telling my brothers. Not anytime soon anyway."

"I have to tell them, it is strict guidelines to have a guardian know about your….illness.""Sir with all good respect, I' am not ill. Sure I'm hurt from the inside out but I am not ill. It was a one time deal and spur of the moment. I had just found out that my parents had perished from this world, it was a mistake. One that I have to live with, not my brothers." my tone was a little harsh as I spat out my opinion. It was the truth and they really didn't have the grounds to judge me.

"I'll make you a deal since I know how you feel." he told me grinning slightly. "If you promise to never do it again and promise that if you feel like harming yourself than you will tell someone. Than I will let you decide on telling your brothers."

"Thank you sir, I promise." It was a dirty empty promise, one that I never agree to but I had to give him his satisfaction. I don't know if I will keep it but I'm not telling my brothers that's for sure.

"Now about the painkillers, I will get you something that will relieve you."

"No thank you, all I want is a nice glass of water." crossing my arms across my chest I stared at my blanket covered feet. I heard him sigh and leave the room with the nurse.

"If you change your mind dear, I will be down the hall." the nurse told me leaving the door open.

As they left I felt the tension in my knees leave. Than as I went to lay down further my body arched with agony. Pain is what I need to get through this. It might not be the best thing in the world but it sure beats thinking about other things. I can now focus on the burning in my limbs and trembling in my back instead of the pain of fourteen days ago.

Even with pain I had a few minutes of thinking. I started to wonder about the guy I killed. If he had a family, was he a father? Why did he attack us for no reason? Was he someone I knew but didn't remember? Than I wondered if the girls were okay. Did I really kill him? Maybe I didn't and he is beating the shit out of my friends right now. Perhaps he is waiting till dark to sneak in my room and gut me for what I did to him.

Now I was feeling something that I hated to feel, fear. I knew he was dead, I made sure of it. That night, I would not rest until he was dead. But still a wandering mind is a curse and disease in itself. Shakily I closed my eyes waiting for someone to come back in. Footsteps soon entered the room so I slightly opened my lids and saw the chubby nurse lady. She placed a pitcher and cup next to the bed on the stand, probably filled with water. The nurse exited the room without a word or a glance at me.

Soda walked in with a smiling Two-bit on his tail. "Well, well, well if it isn't Lucy Lou Curtis the super women. Did you tell her Soda?"

"No, I haven't even thought about it." with heavy eyes I watched as Soda sat down in the same chair munching on something, and Two-bit sitting by my feet.

"Tell me what?" I asked sitting up with hard attempts and eventually was in the position I wanted.

"You were all over the news and in the paper all Saturday morning." Two-bit looked at me with concern but also as if he was proud of me.

"Great." I said in a sarcastic tone to myself."So I guess you really killed him." Two-bit said out of no where.

"Two-bit!" Soda looked appalled that he would even think about mentioning it.

"Yeah and that fucker deserved it too!" I said rubbing my throbbing shoulder.

"He sure did Lucy Lou! No one messes with you and gets away with it!" Two-bit grinned at me. I think he was happy I wasn't freaking out and that I agreed with him.

"Do any of you know who he was?"

"The police are still trying to figure that out. He had no ID on him so they are looking through records and old files to figure it out. They said they'd call when they knew." Soda said putting his feet on the bed.

After that I listened to my twin and friend talk to each other. They would glance at me once in a while but mostly I would drift in and out of consciousness. At one point Two-bit left and Sodapop was asleep in the chair when I woke up from my small nap. My throat was awful dry so I stretched my arm out to reach the cup of water.

Every muscle in my body was screaming for me to lay rest instead of inflicting my body with motion. I grunted quietly and felt my eyes start to water from the strain. With one last tug at the water I leaned back without success. Breathing in a few gusts of air I started to try again. All I wanted was water, and I was going to get it. Squeezing my eyes open and shut I hummed in pain. Suddenly there was a hand on the cup of water and it was lifted and set in my hand.

My body limped as I panted closing my eyes. That was the most ridiculous thing I think that I have ever experienced. Well maybe not but it was still dumb. That nurse purposely put it far away I bet, bitch. Regaining composure I breathed through my nose and opened my eyes to see who handed me the water. Darry was staring down at me with worried eyes as was Pony who was standing in the door way.

"Your awake." Ponyboy said coming over to the other side of the bed and sitting where Two-bit had. Darry moved from the right side and stood at the foot of the bed.

"How are you?" he whispered looked me over from afar.

"Thirsty." I said taking a few gulps of water. The two of them breathed out laughs and I saw their bodies relax a little.

"How bout you?" I asked.

"As good as could be expected." Darry said with a weak smiled. "Ya had us awfully worried."

"Sorry bout that but I had to do something otherwise it would have been more than a few wounds."

"I'm proud of you for protecting yourself and friends but please don't ever get in the middle of something like that again." Darry looked as though he was going to fall to the ground out of grief and exhaustion.

After a small giggle I tried to lighten the mood. "I can't make any promises."

"I'm glad your okay." Pony said with a few tears in his eyes.

"Now Ponyboy, you stop that talk right now. I'm fine, just a little banged up, no need to fuss." I didn't want them to worry even though I felt my limbs had been set a flame.

"Are they giving you something for the pain? You looked pretty uncomfortable by the looks of it." Darry said mentioning the moment ago when I was reaching for the water.

"Didn't wan…" maybe it would be best he didn't know. "I mean, they gave me something a while ago but I don't know what it was. It sure makes ya sleepy though." I said smiling at Pony.

"Than sleep, we'll be here waiting for you." he told me sharing the gesture.

"No, I'm to awake to sleep." I said as my eyes drooped up and down.

"Stubborn." I heard a tired Soda say as he stretched to my right.

"Well if the three of you would get the hell out of here so I could sleep I would." they all chuckled at me.

"You seem more like yourself now than you did before this happened." Soda said leaning over and kissing my forehead.

"Glad to have you back." Pony said patting my covered ankle.

"Now shoo and get some rest." I told them.

"Love you Lucy." they told me leaving my room.

"Love you more!" I said with a smile. I really did love them more than they would know.

I frowned when they were out of view. For a moment I almost said now and forever like Dad would have. The thought made me cringe at the fact that I wouldn't hear him say those words to me ever again. Or I wouldn't hear my mother tell me to stay sweet every time I would walk by. In that hospital room I began to cry, but without the gasping sobs that I usually have. With the back of my hand I brushed the tears away and called for the nurse.

The nurse didn't come in my room but Sodapop did with his long strides. "I thought I told you to shoo?"

"Forgot my jacket." he told me with a smile as he slipped it over his shoulders. "What do you need? I'll get it for you."

"Well actually that would be wonderful." I said sniffling. "Could you buy me a notebook and pen?"

"Umm, sure I'll bring it right up." Soda left the room with spring in his step. He was gone no more than seven minutes, I counted. My twin set the notebook and pen on the bed by my leg.

"Anything else?" he smiled at me.

"Yes, get home and get rest." before leaving he kissed me on the forehead just like he always does. That boy was out the door before I could blink. Reaching for the book and pen I smiled lightly to myself. Opening to the first page I wrote my name on the inside cover. My hand writing wasn't perfect but it wasn't sloppy.

On the page to the right of my name I wrote the date and time. Underneath that I paused and took a sip of water. After setting the cup down, making sure it was at arms reach, I turned back to the paper. With my left hand I began to write a letter, a letter to my mother.

_Dear Mom, __DAY FOURTEEN_

_First off I'd like to say that I am insanely missing you right now. This is harder than anyone could ever imagine and way tougher than anyone could ever fathom. It is like your still here, like I can still feel you. In the mornings I still wake up thinking I'll see you in the kitchen making me oatmeal or toast. Or Dad, I wait for him to come home everyday from work but he never shows. Why did it have to be this way Mama? WHY!?_

_I feel so alone and helpless without you. You were too young, I'm too young. We need you, the family needs you. Daddy always said I should never say what if but what if you were still here? Would I have gotten jumped? Would I be in a hospital bed depressed out of my mind? Would I be lying to you instead of my brothers about my hurt soul? Would me and you still be fighting about gymnastics? _

_Ma, I can't even do gymnastics now. I want to do it for you. I want to have a piece of you back into my life. I want to make you proud the way I should have when you were here with me. Now that I'm hurt none of that can happen. Unless I push myself so hard that I almost kill myself. It's not like I wasn't doing that before but still, I really wanted it._

_I want to say sorry Mama. Sorry for letting you down. Sorry for screaming at you and making you feel like shit. Sorry for not acting like a lady and cursing all the time. Sorry for being reckless and hanging out with boys all the time. I'm sorry that you died thinking that I hated you. I'm sorry the last words that I said to you were that I hate you. I don't, you mean more to me than I ever said. It's true, humans do take things for granted. Now that I don't have you everyday, now that I don't have you I feel stupid. Stupid for being such a bad person and not telling you I love you ever second of the day. Or thanking you for the little things that I so desperately need._

_Thanks. Everyday you saved my life. Thank you for being there for me even when I was such a terrible daughter. Thank you for reminding me what I should be and not what I wanted to be. You put me on the right path so many times. Thanks for look at the beautiful things in life. For telling me to focus on the good even though there is so much bad. You were my everything. You and Dad. I love you, now and forever. _

_P.S. Tell Dad I love and miss him._

_With much love and hugs,_

_Your Lucy Lou _

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Hope everyone liked, leave me love.

-Kathrine


	16. You Want Some Cake

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is the only think I own so far. ;) I might add more peoples later but yea I own nothing.

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**Living For**

_You Want Some Cake?_

They made me stay another two nights. I hate hospitals, even more now that I had to stay in one. The doctor I had was so nosey. Ever since I talk to him two days ago about my leg he wont go away. Yeah okay, its his job to be in my face about my health and well being but did he really have to check on me ever few hours? Once a day would be fine with me. While I was there I hardly slept, every fifteen minutes I would sleep and than wake up. On the occasion that I did fall a sleep the doctor was there to wake me up.

Yesterday I got in a small quarrel with him. The time he brought painkillers into my room was the last straw, I told him I didn't want them. Out of annoyance I got a little rude with him. Nothing big but he looked pretty pissed off after I told him to go away. The next time he came in my room he told me that I was being discharged Tuesday, today. Boy was I glad to hear those words come out of his mouth. Now that I think about it they were the only words I was glad to hear come out of his mouth.

During the last two days I've had a lot of visitors. Mostly my brothers but Steve and Two-bit came by a few times. Johnny stopped by with Pony once. As usual he didn't say much as he stood in the corner the entire time. I forced the poor kid to give me a hug though when he said goodbye. Even the girls came by, they were in tears most of the time but the came non the less. They apologized a awful lot, it just gave me a headache. I told them how much I cared for them and that I'd do it a thousand times more if that meant they were safe. My reassuring speeches just made them cry more. Police officers came by too and talked to me about the night. It was annoying and lasted a long time but in the end they thanked me for what I had done.

It turns out that the guy I killed escaped from Oklahoma loony bin. He was a father of two girls and was married for twelve years when he was taken in to the mental hospital. His name was Morris Hawing, he was forty nine. They didn't want to tell me why he was put into the hospital but I made them tell me. I had a right to know about the man I killed.

Morris had stabbed his daughters and wife to death six years ago, had a problem with women they said. The man also killed two other little girls that were over playing with his daughters. Also he randomly stabbed and killed a waitress and a bystander, who were in fact women. I feel bad for him in a way, but than again I remember that he almost stabbed Natalia and forget about the whole thing.

Dallas Winston. He did not visit me. But he did give a small note to Johnny to give to me. It said in very sloppy writing, 'Get well soon kid, you dig?'. No joke, I painfully laughed for about five minutes straight. I think I freaked out Pony and Johnny but I thought that was just the funniest thing I had heard in days. Dally always did have a way with words. I wonder if he is coming to pick me up from the hospital, probably not.

Even though I've been in a lot of pain, Mom and Dad are still not far from my mind. I write to Mom now, in my notebook Soda bought me. I've only written twice now but I'm sure more entries are to come. It's day sixteen and I've been in a pretty okay mood besides the fact that I'm dieing from the inside out. They let me take a shower by myself today. The last time I was bathed was Sunday and the chubby nurse lady sponged me. It was the most uncomfortable situation someone could be in. Thank the heavens I was let to do it alone this time.

Now it was nearly going on three in the afternoon and no one had shown up yet. Darry said he wanted to pick me up so he would try to get off work early. Pony told me he would be waiting at the house with dinner. He looked so happy I didn't have the heart to tell him that I still haven't gained back my appetite. Even in the hospital I have barely eaten a thing. Dr. Sirts wasn't very happy about that either but I told him to shove off. Sodapop wanted to bring Steve with him to pick me up but Darry told them they were too hyper. So the both of them will be waiting for my arrival at home. I hope Darry hurries though because I'm getting impatient to get out of here.

I've been sitting on the edge of the bed for over an hour waiting for Darry. Well I've been waiting all day but mainly I've been for an hour. Sodapop brought me some clothes last night so I didn't have to go home in a hospital gown. He brought me a dress, told me it was his favorite that Mom used to wear when he was younger. My twin said he was surprised that I had it in my closet. It's a long sleeve navy blue V neck dress that has three buttons on the top. The dress is knee length and fits me around the middle.

My hair smells like strawberries. That's what I was thinking as I laid down, tired of waiting. The thing is when you leave a hospital your supposed to feel better, I feel like crap. Don't tell anyone but I'm still in a lot of pain. I try not to show it like the day I woke up but really I'm a hurting unit. Everything is achy and my body is so heavy. Like I gained a billion pounds in the last four days.

A new nurse came through the door with a wheel chair and a grinning Darry behind her. It was so nice to see Darry smile genuinely for a change. Brother has been so stressed out lately, I can't imagine how he feels. Or any of my brothers for that matter, we all go through things differently.

"Baby girl is comin home!" Darry said in a sing song voice coming over to the bed. My body screamed when I sat up but I ignored it and slid off the bed. The lady motioned for me to sit as I hugged my notebook to my chest. Sitting down Darry grabbed my hand and the three of us made our way out of the hospital. When we got outside Darry had to leave to get the truck so I was left in the care of the nurse. She came in front of me and looked down smiling.

"That is amazing what you did, I can't imagine doing that."

For a moment my mind when blank and I stared back at her confused. "Umm, do what?"

"Kill that man. I mean it was out of self defense but still, I could never do that."

"You don't know that, you might of done the same thing. I didn't think so either. In fact I didn't think when I did it. All that was on my mind was protecting the people I care about." she looked at me happily.

"I suppose your right. That was one brave thing you did." the women stretched her right arm for me to shake it and I complied. "My name is Donna but my friends call my Dolly."

"Nice to meet you Dolly, I'm Lucy Lou Curtis." I looked her over as I shook her hand. Blue eyes, cherry blond hair, she was glowing with personality.

"Well here is my number." she handed me a card with name, address and number on it. Her picture was on it too. "If you ever need anything I'd be glad to help you out. I just really appreciate what you've done."

The young lady looked at me with sad eyes as a few tears escaped the deep blue orbs. "Oh I'm sorry, I'm just being silly."

"Don't worry about it, are you okay?" I was tired of sitting and I could hear the roar of the ford coming around the building. I stood up with a hand on her shoulder.

"I don't mean to get all in your face and everything but I really do appreciate you bring that man to justice." I looked at her funny.

"Why?"

"He killed my younger sister six years ago. The man should have gone to jail in my eyes not a mental hospital." she dried her tears with a handkerchief from her pocket.

"Well I'm sorry that anyone died, him included. Death is a horrible thing and we can't escape it. It's one thing in this world that I hate more than anything its death."

"I read in the paper about your parents, I'm so sorry. It is a shame. But I am serious if you ever need anything, call." I smiled sweetly at her and absently whipped away a loose tear from her cheek.

"I was nice talkin with you Dolly." I gave her a small hug before Darry jumped out of the truck to help me in the truck.

"Take care." the young red head pushed the wheel chair back in the hospital and waved me goodbye. Darry had his hand out to help me in.

Unfortunately for me I had to get in on the right side, needing us for my left leg. When I went to swing it in I fell backwards into Darry. I leaned my body against his for a moment taking in his warmth, Dad's warmth. Without much effort Brother lifted me into the cab of the truck and shut the door. He was in the seat next to me within seconds.

"Sorry Dar." I said blushing from embarrassment.

"No worries, I figured that would happen." he smiled as he turned the key starting up the vehicle.

We were silent for a while just taking in each others energy. I was shivering from the cold weather but mainly because of the pain. Absently I stared out the window and winced a few times trying not to cry out in agony. Making me jump a little Darry spoke.

"Cold?"

"A little." Darry turned the heat up and shrugged his jacket off and put it around my shoulders. The jacket held onto Darry's warmth, Dad's warmth. It was the most soothing feeling I've had all week.

"I knew Soda should have brought you a jacket last night." he said turning back toward the road.

"So what was that about when I pulled up?" he asked changing the subject.

"Aw nothing just talkin." I said shrugging my right shoulder.

"About? That lady looked kind of upset."

"She told me her little sister was killed by Morris Hawing six years ago. Wanted to thank me for bringing him to justice, whatever that means." I mumbled the last part to myself.

"Well we are all glad you brought him down, bastard shouldn't go around killing innocent girls." I nodded not really wanting to talk about him.

"So what's in the notebook?" Darry once again changed the subject sensing my displeasure.

"My business." telling Darry what was in it would embarrass the hell out of me. Even if he is my older brother.

"I can't know?" he chuckled at me stopping in front of the house.

"Sorry but no." Darry got out of the car and came around opening the door but I was already out of the truck.

"I could have helped you." he said hovering over me as we went through the gate.

"Well yeah, but I could do it by myself." smiling at him we got to the steps. My grin was gone and I frowned looked up at the murderous stairs before me. Sure there was one four of them but they were going to be a pain in the ass. When I didn't make a move to climb up them Darry offered to help seeing as there is no railing. He told me he was going to build some but hasn't found time.

"Umm." I was going to except his offer but than my pride got in the way. With the first step I shut my eyes when the wave of pain shot through my body. The second step was no different as a tear fell onto Darry's jacket. I stood there for a moment before looking at Darry who was above me.

"Don't strain yourself for no reason." he eyes were wide with worry. The last two steps I pretty much flew up them not wanting to delay it anymore.

"I'm fine." Soda is right I am stubborn. Darry grabbed my hand and opened the door for me. He was smiling like a little kid as I passed him. Even with the displeasure of my limbs I couldn't help but smile as well. I'm home. My body wasn't as heavy as it was thirty minutes ago. Entering the house with my small limp I smelled cake and what I think was stuffing.

"She's home!" Darry said next to me with a huge smile. Everyone that was there came popping out of door ways. Steve and Soda came out of my twin's room grinning wildly. Pony, Two-bit and Johnny did the same only coming from the kitchen. I wanted to scoop them all up in a giant hug and never let them go. The first to get to me was Soda who embraced me without hesitation. He put his head on my shoulder and squeezed me tightly. My twin was hurting me but I didn't have the heart to tell him. Besides I felt so safe in his embrace.

Steve came out of nowhere and hugged the both of us. "Good to have you home Lu." he said into Soda's shoulder.

The two boys let go and I hugged the rest of them the same way, even Johnny. He isn't a hugger but he was happy to get a hug from me. Two-bit was the last to get hugged but was also the longest. He was so gentle with me, I would have expecting me dieing for breath like he normally hugs me. When he pulled apart I felt my legs go weaker than they were before. I had been standing for too long. I gripped his shoulders tightly for balance with a frown on my face as everyone scattered throughout the room.

"What's wrong?" Two-bit looked worried, something that I don't think I've ever seen in his features.

"Nothing I'm fine." lying through my teeth I limped to the dining room table.

"LETS EAT!" Soda yelled with excitement as everyone through themselves in chairs at the table. We always had a lot of chairs at the table so everyone could eat together, tonight was no different. I sat between Two-bit and Pony. Darry said grace and everyone dug in. Than I noticed the empty space with a vacant plate next to me, who was that for?

There was stuffing and chicken. Fresh corn on the cob and dinner rolls. "Pony did you make all of this?"

"Well I had some help from Johnny and Two-bit." I patted him on the back.

"It looks delish guys, thanks."

"We made the cake." Soda and Steve beamed with pride as the smiled with food in their mouth.

"What kind?" I asked knowing it was chocolate even though I was hoping it was yellow. Those boys are infatuated with chocolate, especially my brothers. Chocolate cake is tasty and everything but I love yellow with chocolate frosting, its my favorite.

"Yellow, your favorite." Soda said smiling.

"Get out!" I said happily. "No way you would make a yellow cake."

"But we did and it was tougher than it looks." Steve told me.

"Aw hush, it was not." Soda has baked before I know but Steve I'm not so sure about. "Steve is just sore because he's never made a cake in his life."

After that everyone ate the food with small conversation. I took small bits and gave myself small portions just to be nice to the guys. They made it just for me and I didn't want to be rude even though I felt I was going to vomit. Literally, the pain was getting pretty bad because I had be moving around a lot. Sweat was dripping down my face as I watched my boys enjoy their dinner. No one seemed to notice, something I am thankful for.

I heard footsteps behind me and looked to see a sleepy Dallas coming from my bedroom. He was rubbing his eyes as he lazily came walking out. His hair was disheveled and looked slightly wet. He was wearing his leather jacket without a shirt on underneath. Dally had his eyes half closed as he pulled a chair up and sat on it backwards.

"Wow Dal, you look real tuff." Two-bit said laughing.

"Shut up." Dally said grabbing his plate and filling it with food. So he was the empty plate. Why was he in my room though?

"Hey Luc." he looked at me with a smirk as he winked filling his dish with stuffing.

"Dal, why were you in my room?" okay I was a little pushy but I needed to know, maybe he got into my things. Things? I forgot my notebook in the truck, gotta get it.

"Just takin' a little nap is all. How ya feelin kid?"

"Fine, you?" he nodded signally he was doing fine as he ate his corn on the cob. Looking back at my plate I notice it was still pretty full of food. Sighing I stood up and headed for the truck to get my book.

"Where ya going?" Darry demanded following behind me.

"Forgot my notebook in the truck, is it locked?" Brother relaxed and sighed at me.

"I'll get it, go sit and eat." He left through the door but I watched from the screen door not wanting him to take a peek inside. I don't want him to know the contents of my notebook. With the book in hand he came in handing it to me.

"Are you alright?" he asked turning his back to the gang who was watching us intently with mouths full of food.

"Fine, just a little hot." lying was easy but the lie was horrible. That means he would tell me to take the jacket off, which I didn't want to do.

"Well take the jacket off silly." he said walking back over to the food. I hugged the jacket and notebook as I went and sat back down. Darry gave me a weird look but went back to his food eyeing me all the while.

Everyone finished eating except me who only had a few more bites. I wanted to help clean up but Two-bit ushered me to the couch where I kicked off my converse. Bringing my legs close to me I leaned into Two-bit still holding the notebook. He had his arm around me protectively as I had my head on his shoulder. Tears fell from my eyes for a lot of reasons. I missed my parents. I hate being helpless. Pain. Not eating even though I should. Being home. Some reason were better than others but still I cry.

"Lu, are you crying?" Two-bit asked trying to get me to look at him. I nodded into his shoulder. I felt eyes on me as a shadow came over me and Two-bit. Looking up I saw Dally stone hard face.

"Come here." he said with less emotion than his face. Dally than picked me up off of Two-bit and carried me out of the room. He sat me down on the bed and looked at me for a second before turning the light on. Dal shut the door and tried to get the notebook from my grasp. After many tries and a few curse words Dally set the book on the night table. Struggling against him, he tried taking off Darry's jacket.

After it was off he wrapped me up in his arms. I wasn't crying anymore but it was a nice gesture. Pulling apart he opened the window and sat back leaning against the wall. He lit a cigarette and looked at me weirdly. It was an unfamiliar look but it meant something. Something I couldn't put my finger on. I laid down with my feet under his thigh. As he smoked he was staring at me but every once in a while when he would look away I would clench the pillow case. I'm not sure if it was out of the burning in my body or the silly feeling that I had in my stomach.

There was a knock on the door before Two-bit strolled in shutting the door. "You okay Lu?"

I nodded not trusting my voice to answer. Two-bit got a cigarette from Dally and the two of them smoked letting the ashes go out the window. I wanted one but I didn't dare to ask. If they didn't yell at me Darry would if he came in here and catch me. They talked with each other and Dally would glance at me out of the corner of his eye. Sweat beads dripped down my skin as I trembled. Hoping that he wouldn't noticed but I knew he would. Two-bit might even notice. Shutting my eyes I let out a long breathe.

"Liar." Dally said after a few moments of silence between my friends. Two-bit looked at him as though he was talking to him. Dallas looked at Two-bit telling him to scram, which he did. Once Two was gone from sight Dally looked at me and repeated.

"Liar." I wasn't sure what he was referring too but it was true. I am a liar, but for good reasons at least.

"You're not okay, you're not alright, and your not fine."

"I know." I said in a whisper.

"Why pretend to be? We are your family." he said looking laying down next to me. Imagine a six foot something tall man laying next to a small little ball of a girl in a twin bed. He was inches from my face but he didn't seem to care, I did. I felt his heat instantly.

"Just do."

"You in a lot of pain?"

"You have no idea." I told him closing my eyes. When I opened them he started cradling my with his arms.

"I feel so helpless." he told me.

"What's the matter?"

"I can't take away your pain, any of it. And I feel helpless because I can't." Dally was getting frustrated with himself, I could tell.

"Don't worry about it, it's my issues to bare not yours."

"Don't you ever say that. You don't have to go through things alone Lucy, you don't!" he was getting frustrated with me now. Bi polar bastard.

"Okay Dal." I said trying to give him the satisfaction.

"I mean it. None of this 'I'm fine' shit, when you obviously aren't." he sat up and was looking down at me.

"Dallas, you don't know what its like so get off it." he just had to be as stubborn as me, couldn't take what I gave him. His face got red with frustration as he stood up and looked me up and down on the bed.

"Look at you, you trembling. Its hard for me to say it but you need to go back to the hospital!" sitting up I stared him down with my glaring silver eyes. If I went back there I would go insane. Its not like they did anything for me that can't be done here, I don't want pain killers.

"Are you shitting me!" standing up and stood my ground no matter what shape I was in. "Who are you to judge? Or give your opinion about where I should be? Huh?"

"It's a free country and I can say what ever the hell I want. Who are you to talk to me like that?" his eyes were blazing mad, trying to set me on fire. To bad I already was.

"Lucy Lou Curtis, and I can talk to you how ever I want." I never noticed how his nostrils flare out when he is upset, it was kinda attractive. NO! You're mad at him, tell him to leave.

"Leave."

"No! I'm not leaving until you are safe in a hospital bed." is he being serious?

"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM!" I opened the door and started pushing him out. He was in the hallway staring in at me. Than he deadly whispered.

"I'm telling Darry you need to go back." my trembling body shifted as I held onto the door frame for support. I felt my already hot body get hotter as he dangerously looked at me. The caring Dally I knew in his eyes, with the devil's smirk on his face. I'm not sure what his problem was. The smirk said that he just wanted to fight but the rest of him told me he truly cared and wanted me safe.

"Dallas, they don't want me there and I don't want to be there. Don't tell Darry, don't tell anyone, I'm fine. You don't get it."

"No, you need help. You can't even stand on your own." with that I stood up right with my head high. Sweat falling down my temple. I than put my hands on his chest.

"GET OUT!" I shoved him with all my might. "You don't understand nor want to so get OUT!" he barley moved.

I started hitting him but with little blows that even I knew wouldn't hurt him. Not that I wanted to hurt him I just wanted him gone. Eventually we were in the middle of the living room with everyone watching us. Me beating him with tears in my eyes and him with his evil smirk and caring eyes. With a grunt and a squeak I hit him one more time, this time in his jaw. It wasn't a hard hit, it didn't even hurt my hand but I could barely see straight let alone hit hard.

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE DALLAS WINSTON!" I screamed fisting my dress at my sides. Dally looked at me like I was insane.

"I'll be back when you've cooled off." Dally shuffled out the front door still wearing the smirk and the eyes. I was so mad and so upset.

As soon as he was gone I grunted at the door and kicked in without much force. "Fuck you Winston." turning around I saw everyone staring at me.

Than as if things were going so well already, my leg started to bleed. No one could see it through my dress but I could feel it with every throbbing pulse. I leaned on the wall waiting for everyone to look away so I could get out of the room the way I could. Dally was right, who am I kidding? Hopefully I'm kidding my brothers because I shouldn't be their focus of attention. They need to worry about each other.

Tears still in my eyes I held my heart shutting my lids. Squeezing them tightly against the pain and horror of life. When I opened them Pony was there smiling weakly. "You want some cake?" through my tears and anxiety I hoarsely laughed at the question.

'You want some cake?' I love Ponyboy. I grabbed my kid brother in a hug and clenched my hands onto his shirt. My body was still trembling and I leaned on him for support. With my head in the crook of his neck I cried and laughed all at once.

"I love you Ponyboy Michael Curtis!" breathing out harshly I repeated myself to him but also the entire room who still had their eyes on me. "I love you so much!"

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Phew, Dally is such a guy! J hope everyone LOOOOOVED

-Kathrine


	17. Numbers Are Our Friends

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is umm mine :D**

**Sorry it took me so long. I wrote half the chapter and than didn't like it so I started over. Hope everyone enjoys it. Sorry for the time warp. (oh and I did do the math for all the days, XD. Just thought I'd tell you guys that. Yeah, I'm weird.) sorry it's a little slow.**

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**Living For**

_Numbers Are Our Friends_

It is Saturday September twenty second. Forty-one days ago my parents disappeared from this world. Its thirty days since I've been stabbed in the left shoulder and leg. Nine days since I've gotten stitches removed from my skin. Nine days since Dr. Sirts got in my face for not taking it easy and reminding me to take it easy. Twenty two days of not listening to him made me recover faster. Nineteen days ago I stopped limping. Forty two days until gymnastics try outs. Seven days since I've mastered a one handed handstand with the help of Sodapop.

Twenty days since I've returned to school. Ten days ago I brought up my last failing grade to a B with the help of Ponyboy. I'm now passing all classes and is eligible to tryout for the gymnastics team. Eighteen days since I started watching the little girl next door after school for money. Every time I get paid I give the money to Darry, secretly of course. Its been three days since Darry found out about my secret money donations. He told me to stop, but I haven't. Two days since Soda started putting my money into his and Darry's joint bank account. Two days ago Soda and I argued about it but I won in a landslide.

Nine days since I've carved into my skin. I didn't keep my promise with Dr. Sirts. Zero days of not losing sleep over it. Total days of losing sleep over parents death, forteen. This night is no different. It is three thirteen in the morning. Three and a half hours before Darry will come out of his room to wake up for work. Three and a half hours and two minutes before Darry asks me why I'm laying on the floor in the living room. Than another two minutes of explaining that I fell asleep there after I went to the bathroom, even though I didn't. There isn't really a reason for me to be on the floor, I just am.

Counting. Numbers. Days. Hours. Minutes. It's all calming to me. It helps me think clearly. The whole process makes me feel relaxed and focused. In the last hour, I've had to started over counting the dots on the ceiling three times now. Losing count every time I hear a distracting noise, like sleeping Johnny on the couch.

He shuffled through the door around one, shirtless and shoeless. I had just gone out to the living room two hours before that, after the boys had fallen asleep. Poor Johnny was crying his little puppy dog eyes dry. They were silent tears, if it wasn't for the feeling of panic and fright I would have never noticed him come in. Instantly the boy noticed me on the ground and froze by the door. Standing up I walked over to him and gave him a small hug.

Johnny was bleeding on his back and was freezing cold when I hugged him. After turning the light on I brought him into the bathroom and stitched up his shoulder blade. We didn't say anything to each other except for the occasional shushing sound I made to calm him down. There was a black purplish bruise on his right shoulder. It looked like the end of a telephone, the part you speak or listen into. You could see the outline of it perfectly, even the little holes. Also there was a small but deep gash from the top of his should to the middle of the bruise.

The poor boy had a busted lip and his right earlobe was bleeding. I patched my friend up and put medicine on his wounds. By this time he had calmed down. Leaving the bathroom I told him to wash his face and that I'd be right back. Like every time Johnny comes in during the night beat up by his father, my mother would make him a bed on the couch. Sure he has slept on the couch occasionally for the passed years, but when he would get beat up she would always make it for him. So I made him a bed and got him a glass of water, setting it on the coffee table. After that I snuck into Pony's room and stole a shirt for Johnnycakes to wear. Johnny fit into Ponyboy's shirt well and I tucked him in onto the couch before saying goodnight with a light kiss on the cheek.

It's been one hour and twenty two minutes since Johnny has fallen asleep. Now I've begun my forth time of starting over the count of dots above me. Counting has become a ritual for me. When I walk, I count the steps. When I cry, I count the tears that fall off my face. When I'm not doing anything I count. Everything, I'm alone I find something to count. I wrote Mom about it fifteen days ago. The only person I've mentioned it to was Natalia when she came over the other night. She told me she's heard of something like that before but forgot what it was called. I waved off the subject fast but not before she recommended me to look it up in the library. That was seven nights ago. Time is the most common thing, that I've noticed, that I count. I'm not sure why I do it but I want it to go away even if it is relaxing.

When I went back to school I got in trouble a few times for not paying attention, I was busy counting the people in the class. Or the blue specs in the rainbow of colors on the tiled floor. After that I forced myself to not count, I needed to pass my classes. Pony helped me with that. I'm thankful to have a boy genius for a little brother.

At school I see Julie at least twice a day. Not just in my class I have with her but in the halls and at lunch. Everyday at lunch she comes up to me and tells me to watch out. Eleven days ago I couldn't handle it anymore and started laughing at her. Not just because of the boyish hair cut she has but because they are empty threats. If she was going to do something she would have done it already.

Either way I should be on my guard because Brian started to tell me to watch out too. God knows I can't take him when I'm still healing, so I sit with Two-bit and Steve at lunch now. They sit with a lot of people, all try to talk to me but I normally never respond. Not that I want to be rude its just I'm to preoccupied counting or thinking. Most of them understand that, others don't and get kicked off the table when they yell at me. Enforced by the voices of Steve and Two-bit.

So school is the same and so are my boys. Even with all this shit that's been happening the last forty one days, they haven't changed. My brothers will have their moments of sorrow but usually keep it to themselves until late at night, like Ponyboy. He still has nightmares once in a while, they've become more frequent. Darry wants to bring him to a doctor but Pony refuses, but eventually I know Darry will get his way. Lately Darry has been arguing with everyone, even me. I put him in his place five days ago, it wasn't pretty.

He had yelled at me for something. I can't even remember it now because I was so mad. Darry had yelled at Pony and than moved to me. Well whatever he hollered at me for was dumb. With a long finger I pointed in his face telling him he needed to chill out. That he was the guardian but wasn't the father, that he needs to remember that. Darry told me to go to my room for disrespecting him but I didn't and went on. Went on about that no one needed his attitude, especially Ponyboy because he is just a kid. Than I told him he should go to bed and rest because all the yelling wass wearing everyone out. Since that night Darry has only raised his voice once at me and my brothers.

Thinking of fighting, I haven't fought with Dally for a while. Not since day sixteen, last month. We made up that very same night. When I went to bed after having a whole piece of cake, yes a whole one, he was laying on my bed smoking a cig. He told me that he climbed through the open window, while smirking like the devil. We quietly argued in my room about the first argument but in the end I said I was sorry for overreacting. He told me that I had a right to be if I didn't want to go back to that hell hole. Dally once had to stay in a hospital bed for a few days and was kicked out because he was disruptive.

I told him it was useless for me to go back because I didn't take any painkillers while I was there. At first he laughed at my rebellion but than scolded me for being stupid. He spent the night after we talked for a while. In the end we are still the best friends we've always been. Since my parents have passed my brothers have noticed Dally coming around more often and hanging around me. I have too, everyone has. Darry warned Dally who I was and Dally laughed at him. Dally told me about it and I laughed too, Dally knows me pretty well. It's Darry that's in the dark this time.

I've only got twenty more minutes until Darry comes out of his room. The boy works himself too much. We need the money but still, he should have more than one day off a week. He sometimes doesn't even get that. That's why I started watching the next door neighbor's little girl, Georgia. The guys call her little G. She's only seven but has the vocabulary of a seventy yearr old women. That little girl is as smart as Pony but with the nature of a seven year old girl.

Since I've started watching her I've played dolls eight times, and dress up four. Even though she is only seven its nice be around a girl more often. Five times a week I get to see her, for five to seven hours. It depends on when her mother gets off of work. She pays me ten dollars a night, which is considered a lot in my book but she insists. Darry gets the money anyway, I want him to. With the help of Sodapop, Darry now gets the money into his account every Friday. I would feel bad about sneaking around if I wasn't helping.

The poor women is an only mother, the Dad ran out years ago she said. It's none of my business but what a jerk off. I hate men as a whole. Unless it's my brothers or the gang because they wont ever hurt me like a boyfriend would. Like Will did. After hours of convincing, Darry allowed me to go on a date with him. We dated for a week before he started the sex bull shit. He broke up with me when I told him no, asshole. No one really knows we aren't together anymore since it was just seven days ago that we broke up. They ask me how he is but I just pretend I don't hear them, the situation makes me really pissed off. Will and I could have been good together but he had to be the pig side of the gender.

Darry just walked out of his room and into the kitchen. Starting the coffee machine he sleepily walked back to his room without glancing at me. After he shut his door I got off the floor and went to the kitchen to make him eggs and toast. Scrambling the eggs I heard him walk into the bathroom without noticing my presents in the kitchen. The shower started as I started the stove up. Ten minutes later Darry had a full plate of eggs and toast with a steaming hot cup of coffee at the table waiting for him. I sat across the table from his dish with a small spoon full of eggs on my plate. Even though its been a month in a half, I still haven't gained my eating habits back. Little portions are what I eat now.

Now I weigh one hundred and thirty one pounds. I've lost sixteen pounds since my parents have died. My abs have returned as well, since I couldn't do much with my limbs I worked on my back and stomach muscles. Darry would be proud if he knew, I only train when no one is around because they yell at me. Soda found me once and helped me master the one handed handstand but told me not to do anything else. The gang, my brothers, the girls they all tell me I need to rest. But I don't, pain is a sign that I'm alive and it means I need to get stronger so I'm no longer in pain. Strain is a part of life whether it's physical or mental. Since I can't handle the mental, I focus to overcome the physical.

With a smile and a sip of orange juice I said good morning to Darry. I'm smiling a lot more I've noticed. Even if I am still crushed inside I make sure to let people know I'm okay on the outside. Everyone has more to deal with than me, everyone. Darry sat down fully dressed in his work clothes with a smile. Using his ancient old nickname for me he started eating. "Morning baby girl."

I finished my eggs in a only four small bites while Darry ate his with slow big bites. He would smile at me once in a while as I sipped my orange juice. My favorite beverage now makes me cringe at the sight of it. That was one of my father's favorite drinks, but I still drink it in spite of myself.

"So why are you up so early?"

"Oh, couldn't fall back asleep after waking up. Thought I'd make you breakfast." I said shrugging my shoulders.

"Well thanks, it's delicious. You make the best eggs out of us, never rubbery like mine."

"You don't put enough milk in when you scramble them. More milk the fluffier they are." Darry nodded his head making a note of it, even though I knew he would forget about it next time he makes eggs.

"That's not a bad idea." he said taking a bite of toast. The two of us sat in silence while he ate. I left after a while to clean the dishes and fill a thermoses with the rest of the hot coffee for Darry. When I returned from the kitchen, Darry had the last piece of toast in hand and was crunching into it as I set the thermoses down on the table.

"Hey Brother, tomorrow do you think you might want to go for a run with me?" Darry gulped down the toast and looked at me wide eyed.

"I don't think you should be running or anything like that."

"Dar, I want to try. I've almost got full use of my muscles back so I want to get them ready to train for gymnastics." I said sitting across him again.

"Baby girl, you shouldn't strain yourself."

"I wont be." shacking his head he stood up and cleaned his dish. Walking over to him I put my head on his shoulder like I always do when he is near me. Whenever I do it I can smell and feel his warm, the warmth Dad had.

"Well I was planning on going for a jog tomorrow anyway. Just thought going alone for the first few times might be a bad idea. Thought you could go with me incase I'm not ready to run around."

"Luc, you just got the stitches out a week ago. Dr. Sirts said you shouldn't be doing anything other than getting R and R." Even though I told Darry to wait in the hall while I got the stitches out, Dr. Sirts made it a point Darry was in the room after he was done. He gave Darry instruction that he knew I wouldn't listen to.

"Nine days ago, more than a week. I've gotten stronger everyday, I want to try Dar." I followed behind Darry as he was walking out of the house. The two of us whispering so we didn't wake Johnny. Once outside I stood at the top of the steps watching after my brother as he put his things in the truck. He turned around looking off and than looking a back at me.

"Okay, you want to go for a run tomorrow, I'll go." I smiled at him as I walked over giving him a hug. I squeezed him tight as he chuckled at me.

"On one condition." Why didn't I see that coming? This is exactly what he would do. "Tonight when I make dinner, you have to eat a whole plate. And not just any plate, a dish of what I put on there." I frowned at him.

"Hey, no plate, no run." he said shrugging and getting into the truck. "That means you can't go on one alone either."

"Okay, I'll eat a full plate." cringing I went inside after quietly telling him to have a good day. Brother was grinning from ear to ear as he pulled away. What an evil master mind he is, must get that from Mom. Dad could never think up something like that.

As I went into the house I saw that it was seven fifteen. Time moves so slow, I thought it had been a lot longer than that. As I studied the room and counted the pictures, thirty six, Johnny started to wake up. He groaned a little as he rolled to him back. Walking over to him I half smiled. Brushing the hair from his forehead he squinted at me and said something that I will never forget.

"Maggie?" bolting my hand away from him I stood up straight walked backwards.

"Maggie?" he repeated still squinting. I backed right into the coffee table gaping. Falling over the coffee table flat on my back, the table making a cracking noise with the impact of my body. Moaning a little I looked over at Johnny still stunned about what he called me. He shook his head and rubbed his eyes sitting up. When he pulled his hands away he looked at me wide eyed.

"Lucy?" his eyes in a sort of panic as I felt a tear fall from my eye. Why was I crying? I hate being so emotional, I can't even control myself anymore.

"I…I didn't mean to…..I just…I'm sorry. Don't cry Lucy….it was an…" Johnny was starting and ending sentencing as he stuttered at me.

"Are….I didn't want to….Maggie, I mean your Mom. I….please forg…Lucy. What can I…are you alright?" I looked at him strangely as I sat up on the table.

"Did you fall?" finally a full sentence without stuttering.

"I did. I'm fine. I'm sorry I don't mean to be all emotional." brushing away a few tears I looked at him apologetic.

"No Lucy, it's……I'm sorry."

"Johnny don't worry about it." getting up I patted his shoulder. As I walked away he grabbed my wrist making me look at him. His eyes were sincere and regretful. We stared at each other for thirty seven seconds before he spoke.

"You look just like her Lucy. She used to brush away the hair form my forehead just like you just did. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. Maggie, was like my mother, I miss her." shaking my head hurriedly I stared at Johnny. For a guy that doesn't talk he has a lot to say.

"Lucy, I'm sorry."

"Johnny, it's fine, I promise. You just caught me off guard."

"Well I mean it, I didn't mean to hurt you." he said letting go of my arm with a half smile.

"I know and understand." smiling big I gave Johnny a hug to reassure him I wasn't mad just surprised. It frightened me though, how he called me by Mom's name. I'd have to tell her about it later.

"Want something to eat? I'm going to make everyone a big breakfast." I said as I pulled apart with a big smile.

"That would be great. Whatcha making?"

"Eggs and toast." going into the kitchen I pulled out a huge bowl for the eggs. I scrambled the rest of the eggs, knowing the guys would be coming over any minute. Johnny helped by making and buttering the toast. We didn't talk much because Johnny is a quiet person and so am I at times. He did talk a few times to my surprise.

"So your feeling better? I heard you talking to Darry about running tomorrow."

"I thought you were asleep." I said giggling.

"I was." Johnny gave me serious face but than smiled sneakily.

"I am feeling better, despite Darry's bad attempts to keep me bed ridden."

"You're to active to stay in bed." Johnny said nodding his head as he set the table. Just as I was going to agree Two-bit and Steve shuffled through the door with leaping legs and laughing voices.

"Hey Johnnycakes, Lucy Lou." Steve said laughing loudly.

"What's so dang funny?" Johnny asked them with a smile.

"Two-bit almost got shot because he mooned an old lady on the way over here!" now all three of the boys were in hysterics while I put the food at the table.

"I don't think that's funny, or safe." frowning just made them fall over each other with laughter.

"Your dumb." I told them as I went to wake up my brothers. Pony was the closets room so I snatched open the door holler at him to wake up. He groaned at me and the laughing boys in the hallway.

"Shut up, it's too damn early." Pony said covering his face with his pillow.

"I made eggs and toast Pone."

"I'm up." he said stretching and groaning in his bed. After ruffling his hair I left the room to wake Soda but he was already in fits of laughter with the other guys when I got out there. Pony is right, it's too early. But once he hears the news he'll be in hysterics just like they are, I bet. Sodapop smiled at me as he laughed.

"Two-bit, why on Earth would you moon an old lady? I thought you respected old ladies." I said sitting at the table with the laughing males.

"She spit at Steve as we pasted, calling us dirty greasers. She throw a rock at us too. I had to moon her. It's not like I could beat her up." Two-bit could barely contain himself as he explained this.

"She did not throw rocks you lair." Steve said laughing harder holding his sides.

"Well, she could have." now I started laughing.

"Silly greasers." I called them. Immediately they stopped laughing and looked at me. Than they burst out laughing again after looking at each other.

Pony than came out and sat with us. He heard the story and only chuckled a little. Thank goodness I have one sensible person around me. Everyone ate while I talked with them. I mentioned how Darry was going to make me eat a full plate of food. Two-bit said that would be the day. Soda told me I could do it. I told them I wasn't so sure because my stomach is so sensitive now a days. Surely this night was going to be a rough one for me.

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SOOOOO SLOW! Next chapter will be faster I hope!


	18. Social Worker

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is umm mine :D

Just for everyone's information…..I have that "Pants on the ground" song in my head! IT WONT GO AWAY! Ha-ha

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**Living For**

_Social Worker_

Eleven o'clock on day forty-one, I was sat in the living room crying. Large, harsh gasps echoed through the empty house. My brothers had just left with our friends to go have a great time at the movies, minus Darry who was at work. They were nice enough to invite me but I declined because of my lack of mind. Eventually I ended up harming myself. Cutting into my right leg, starting a new wound. Right on top of my thigh, just one small but deep line of flesh opened. Whimpering to myself I held a tissue to it and called for my mother, knowing that she wouldn't answer broke my heart even more. Out of my loud sobs I heard the phone ring. Staring at it I sucked in my sorrows so I could answer it. Reaching for the phone I breathed out once as I brought it up to my ear.

"Hello?" my voice was shaky and unnatural.

"Lucy." it was Darry.

"Hi Dar." he was sort of breathing hard on the other end of the line.

"Are you okay? You sound funny." Brother asked taking in a large breath.

"I umm… yeah. Are you?"

"Well, I'm a little stunned at the moment but I'll be fine."

"What going on?" asking this made me feel more professional in the conversation, no longer having to hold in emotions because I was now calm.

"The social worker just called, said she was going to come over for dinner."

"Great." I said with sarcasm. No only did I have to eat a full plate of food for the first time in….forever. But I had to eat it in front of her. We haven't had the social worker over yet. The last time we saw her was when Darry got custody of us, she was a bitch from what I remember.

"Do me a favor and tell everyone to get ready. Clean the house. Sorry but I have to work a little later than expected so can you make something really nice for dinner. Something that will impress her. During my lunch break I will bring home some money so you can get things from the store."

"I'm the only one home."

"Well, when they get back tell them. The gang has to be out of the house by five-thirty and can't come back until eight. Please start getting things ready for me Lucy? I want everything to be perfect so we don't have any problems."

"Sure thing Dar." rubbing my face with my free hand I said good bye to my brother. Sighing I hung up the phone and looked around the room. The house wasn't a complete mess, just a few things to clean up. Dusting, floors, bathroom, bedrooms. Those boys better be back soon so they can help, otherwise I'll have to do it all. Frowning I stood up and went in the bathroom to wrap my leg.

Pulling down my sweats I taped up my thigh and spat at myself. "Selfish, no good, weak little know it all bitch."

As I tug my pants around my waist I heard a voice. "Don't talk to yourself like that." Gasping I fell backwards into the tub. Dizziness took over my vision as my head collided with the cream tiles on the wall. Dally was standing over me with his arms crossing over his chest. OH SHIT!

"What was that?" helping me up Dally asked looking curiously at my face.

"What?" he better not of seen the cuts. He couldn't have, no he didn't.

"Talking to yourself like that, why?" I relaxed a little and left the bathroom to the kitchen. Dallas followed leaning on the counter top.

"Just frustrated with myself." I said as I started cleaning up trash and throwing it away. I live with three practically grown men but they can't seem to ever find the fucking waste basket.

"Have you been crying." Dally's comment caught me off guard as I throw away a few beer bottles. I leaned my hand on the wall as I looked over at him. He was looking at me intently with a worried expression. Something Dallas Winston never looks like, concerned.

Without a word he came over and crushed my head into his chest. Cradling my head with his hand he put this cheek on his hand just like he did a month ago. Closing my eyes I took in his peppermint and cigarette scent. I want to tell him what I felt. How much I wanted to brush those moist lips of his against mine. Tell him about the letters I write to Mom. How I'm dieing inside and don't think I can handle it any longer. The burning sensation on my leg was caused by me and me only. I want to tell him that his heart was against my ear and I enjoyed the soothing sound. That I loved him more than my best friend. Mention to him how scared I am about everything. I want to complain to him about everything. But more than I used to. No lies. No denying how I truly feel. No more bull shit.

His embrace was true. It was strong and warm. Warmer than any hug I've ever received. It was caring. He is caring. I want so much to tell him everything that I can no longer contain myself. Self loathing tears crashed from my eyes into a wet pile onto Dally's white shirt. As soon as I choked out a sob I felt his body tense. His hands gripped onto me like he would never let me go. I've never felt so much emotion from him before. Never have I experience this kind of feeling around Dally. He pulled apart just a little so I could look up at him.

The boy's face cringed down at me. Looking as though he was in pain. His eyes stayed connected with mine. They buried unspoken emotion into my irises. Tears freely falling down my face as I stared up at him. My hands traced from his shoulders to his chest. Feeling his stomach with my fingers before clenching his shirt with my fists. I put my forehead against them as he had his hand on my spine. Trailing up and down it with his smooth fingers. Putting his chin on my head as he breathed me in. I started biting my hand out of frustration that I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Dallas pulled my chin up with his right hand as his left still rubbed my back.

The taste of iron flooded onto my lips as I let go of my skin. I looked down at the little red liquid escaping my flesh. It wasn't bleeding profusely, just for a second. Dally stared down at my knuckle and frowned. His eyes burning with confusion and distaste as I cleaned off the blood spot on my hand with my mouth. Taking his hand off my back he grabbed both my wrists with his hands. He tried pulling my hands off his shirt but failed. Giving me a look, tell me to trust him, I let go.

Dallas lifted my hands to his mouth and lightly kissed my knuckle. Closing my watery eyes with satisfaction as he brushed my skin with his lips. Opening my eyes I let my handsdangle at my sides while he cupped my face in between his large hands. Caressing my cheek with his thumb he closed his eyes and sighed. Before pulling away he dried my eyes with the palms of his hands. We stood no more than two feet away from each other in the small kitchen.

"Lucy." he whispered looking regretful. His body language told me he was mad but his eyes held that same satisfaction I felt.

Taking a gulp of air I looked up at him. He was silent as he debated with himself. Looking from my face, to my hand and to the inside of his eyelids.

"I hate it." he finally said clenching a fist at his side.

"What?" my voice found its way out without me thinking.

"I hate seeing you in pain. I can't do anything about it. You are hurting, so I hurt too." Where was this coming from? Dally has always told he cared but nothing this extensive or expressive.

"Do you remember a month ago, back at the old house when I stormed in the house and gave you a hug?" I nodded.

"And I had not been around for a few days?" again I nodded waiting for him to get to the point.

"Well I stormed in because…I was upset."

"Why?"

"I thought that if I distanced myself from you I would be protecting you. I wouldn't be there to say something stupid, or hurt you."

"Hurt me? When did you…"

"No, let me finish." he told me putting a finger to my lips. "If I don't I wont be able to say it."

"But I couldn't do it. I have to be around you. I can't stay away from you any longer." I shook my head with disbelief. Dallas Winston was telling me something unreal. Something that I have felt for him but had no guts to tell him.

"Dally, what are you trying to say?" whispering I looked down with a hot face.

"I don't know." he laughed at himself. Than I heard the screen door squeak open and close. Darry came rushing in dripping in sweat.

"Hey." he said handing me the money. "Get what you need and only what you need. Don't get into any fights." Darry glanced at Dally who was uncomfortably leaning on the counter again.

"Hey Dal." Dally nodded his head toward my brother.

"Have your brothers returned." All of a sudden their just my brothers.

"No."

"Did they head to the movies?" nodding yes he started out the door yelling behind him.

"Go ahead to the store. I'm going to tell them to get back here and help you clean." Darry was out the door as fast as he entered.

"Wow, he really needs to slow down." Dally said moving closer to me again. I smiled at his silliness. Just like that things were back to normal.

"Do you have Buck's car?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Do you wanna tag along with me to the store? I don't really feel like walking." he nodded and followed me to my room were I started to change. Immediately he turned around because I didn't bother shutting the door knowing he would look away. Quickly pulling on the jeans I had hanging on the closet door I glanced a the closet for a shirt.

"Hey Dal, green or blue?"

"Green, why?"

"Just wanted to know what shirt to wear." I said giggling as I draped the loose light green blouse over my shoulders. He turned around.

"I don't like it." walking over to my closet he shuffled through the clothes. Pursing his lip with concentration as he examined a few items. Pulling out a long sleeve black shirt he smirked at me.

"Wear this." it was something that the guys chipped in on earlier this year. I had never worn it but always kept it around. It wasn't trashy but wasn't exactly classy either. It let my shoulder bare for the world to see and tight. Now thinking of it, it might not be tight anymore since I've lost weight.

Rolling my eyes I took the shirt of the hanger. "What the hell?" I mumbled as Dal turned around with his smirk.

Taking off the first shirt I slipped the other one on. It cradled my every curve, smooth and silky on my skin. Dashing passed Dally I went into the bathroom to have a look see, he followed. Still smirking he looked at me in the mirror as did I. Surprisingly it looked really good, sexy even but to a comfy extent. Not showing to much skin. Pulling out my hair that was pinned at the top of my hair I ruffled it as it flowed down my shoulders. Dally's smirk turned into a strange smile right before he turned away.

"What?"

"Nothing." he answered a little to quickly. Shrugging it off I washed my face and put my shoes one. Dally was patiently waiting for me in the living room. Studying the walls of pictures of my family and gang. As I entered the room he picked up a picture from a shelf and crookedly smiled at it. Setting it down he slung his leather jacket onto his torso. Turning to me he smirked looking me up and down.

"What are you doing?" I said a bit embarrassed about the shirt. I hardly ever wear anything like this, maybe I should just go change.

"Nothing, just you look good." Dally said with wearing his smirk as he met my eyes again. Men. Well I guess I have no room to talk since I trace ever inch of his body everything time I get the change. Sculpting him in my mind forever.

Grabbing the money that I left in the kitchen I left out the door behind Dally. We got in the car and rode to the grocery store in silence. When we arrived I grabbed a cart and started pushing it inside. Dally swung his arm around my shoulders as we walked. Looking down at me with a smile, I couldn't help but smile back. Making a small checklist in my head we walked through the produce. Grabbing all the stuff I needed in the produce secretion was harder than I remember it being. Picking out the perfect head of lettuce. While examining it firmly. Dally moseyed on over to the garlic, I told him to grab a clove. That night I was going to make a almond salad with spaghetti and meatballs. For dessert I planned on making cinnamon rolls with icing. As I tossed the lettuce head in the cart I head over to Dallas who had no glue what he was doing.

After laughing at him and him glaring at me we made our way to the baking supplies. I got all the ingredients for the rolls. Everything was in the cart that I needed. The meat, veggies, bread, almonds…..everything. Stopping in the middle of the aisle I stared at the items as Dally lazily looked the place over. Worried started to sink into my skin as I stared at all my ingredients. What if she doesn't like Italian. Or she is allergic to nuts? Or is on a diet and can't eat cinnamon rolls? Putting my head in my hands lots of new recipes ran through my mind but all had something wrong with them. Dally taped me on the shoulder.

"What's the matter?"

Shaking off the feeling that I might poison her with my food, I started for the checkout line. Dallas just helped me put the things on the counter and we paid. On the ride home it was quiet, Dally would glance at me one in a while and would smirk. What is with him today? What is with me today? What is with the fucking world today?

The house was clean when I got home and I sighed with relief when I saw the clock. I had plenty of time to prepare everything. Dally didn't come in with me, he said he had something to take care of. Whatever that means. The rest of the gang wasn't around besides Steve, who was watching TV with Soda and Pony. They offered to help but I was determined to do it all without messing it up, with there help something might go wrong. Besides they already cleaned so I must cook.

The doe for the cinnamon rolls was first since I had to leave it to sit for a while. Than the meat balls because they took the longest to cook. After tossing the salad I rolled the cinnamon rolls into their swirl like balls and set them aside to bake after dinner. By the time everything was ready it was five fifteen. I went into my room and picked it up a little bit, even though it was already clean. After making my bed and changing into a cream blouse and black skirt, I decided to write Mom before the social worker came.

Sitting on my bed pulled out my notebook and turned the first open page. Grabbing the pen on my night stand I began to write.

_Dear Mom,_

_The social worker is coming over for dinner. I'm so nervous and jittery. I want everything to be perfect._

Speaking of perfect Steve needs to leave. "Steve baby, you have to go. Soda, Pony get yourselves looking prettier than usual."

"Okay." all three of them said in unison. Smiling, satisfied with myself I turned back to my letter.

_Everyone wants it to go swell. Even though I wouldn't be in this situation if you were here, I still wish you were here to help me through it. I hurt myself to day Mama. On the right leg. Dallas almost saw it. Do you think I should tell him? You know how I feel about him but if I can't tell my own brothers how could I tell him, or anymore. I thought I was getting better, but its just my body that's healing Ma, just my body. My mind and soul are broken for life. They can't be repaired, ever. Nobody can save me except myself but I can't seem to even do that._

_I feel like my body shouldn't be healing when my emotions can't. That's one reason I do it I guess, the others I really don't know. Comfort? Well how could that give you comfort when it's so disturbing and irritating. I just don't know what to do anymore._

_Anyway, today Dallas and I had a moment in the kitchen. I'm not sure what it was but it was strange and unfamiliar. He's been acting so weird lately, the slightest hint of him liking me crashes down all together when I hear about his broads or his lecherous ways. Nothing ever adds up with him like all the things I count, nothing. Boys need a manual or a map, cause I'm sure lost. Maybe he will…._

The doorbell rang and I knew she had arrived. Darry yelled that she was here to prove my superstition. I wonder when he got home, oh well he's here that's all that matters. Throwing my notebook onto my bed I quickly walked out of my room to greet her at her door. I stuck my head in Pony's room to tell him to hurry, he followed me out minutes later. She was shaking hands with Sodapop as Pony and I entered the room.

"Ponyboy, you've grown since I last saw you." She smiled. He smiled politely back while shaking her hands.

"Miss Lucy, looking beautiful as always." I shook her hand politely saying thank you. Even though inside I was cringing at her calling me Miss Lucy. My mother would call me that sometimes playfully of course, when I was little. I would call her Miss Mommy even though it made no sense, it was a game to us and this lady had no reason to call me that. She disgustingly looked around the room for a moment. Making a scrunched up face as she over looked our home. Rose was her name, Rose Peter. I think I know her daughter, used to be in her gym class.

"Well, I've made dinner if you all would like to get started." I offered as I took her coat and bag. Darry pulled out her chair while Soda followed me to the kitchen for the food. They were taught to do that for a lady, even though they hardly ever did it. Putting the salad on the table I offered her a drink, she accepted my offer of lemonade, as did everyone else. Everything was set when I sat down. We all talked listened and answer her when we were talked to. While she munched into a bite of meatball she closed her eyes in delight.

"Lucy my dear, this is amazing. Did you cook this all on your own?"

"Yes ma'am, it was my grandmother's recipe." she smiled at me.

"It is absolutely delightful."

"Well, speaking of, will you excuse for a moment, I have to put desert in the oven." politely I left the table while I listened to their conversation. String the icing after I put the pan of rolls in the oven.

"Now Darry, I understand that you work two jobs?"

"Yes ma'am, I do."

"I'm impressed by your work ethic but don't you think you should be around here to watch for your siblings."

Darry swallowed hard, so hard I could hear his gulp from the kitchen. Anger filled my body and my ears became hot. I could feel his discomfort but I never heard his answer, just heard her squawking.

"Sodapop, how is the DX station working out for you?"

"I get along there very nice ma'am. Very enjoyable in my opinion." Soda answered trying to sound more intelligent.

"Oh and Pony how is your first year in high school going?"

"Well ma'am." Ponyboy is a guy of small words and is shy and the worst of times.

"Miss Lucy, can you come back in here? Dear you've hardly eaten anything."

Taking the icing off the stove I walked in there and sat down next to her and Darry to my right. She grabbed my hand as I put it on the table. Shivers of distaste ran down my spine.

"How are you Miss Lucy?" sucking in a breath after looking at Darry. His face was silently scolding me and telling me to behave.

"Fine." Quick. Casual. Usually no need for explanation.

"Eat some more, you look skinnier since the last time I saw you. Are you getting enough food?"

"Yes ma'am, I've just been on a strict diet because I am in training for the gymnastics team for school." she still had her hand in mine. Like we were friends or something.

"Impressive! Speaking off I heard about your heroic status, that was something else."

"Well it had to be done." I said trying to politely pull away but she had a death grip on my hand.

"Are you being well protected?"

"No question about it. I feel the safest with my brothers." I said sharing a huge grin with Sodapop.

"So are you and Sodapop twins?" shouldn't she know that already?

"Yes."

"Interesting." I looked over at the wall clock and decided it was time for the cinnamon rolls to be done. Excusing myself again I picked up the dishes put them in the sink. Ponyboy helped, bringing in the things I missed like the drink cups and other dishes. I started a pot of coffee while I drizzled the cinnamon rolls with the icing. Pony brought our a coffee cup for Rose and Darry and cups for the rest of us. When I went in there I poured the coffee and chocolate milk for everyone. Than I brought them single plates with there very own rolls, all big enough as a regular piece of cake. Everyone was silent for a while as we listened to her talk about her family.

Bragging was more like it. Telling me about how Lisa, her daughter, was straight A student and was on the cheerleading team. Well sorry Mom but that's just another reason why I will never be a cheerleader. And her son, Richard was Darry's age in college.

I could feel everyone was uncomfortable so I excused myself again to clean my plate. Tomorrow I will not be making the jog with Darry because I ate less than I usually do, deal was off. Washing the dishes I went to pick up everyone else's to clean.

"Darry, what are your thoughts and feelings of being your siblings guardian?" clearing his throat out of nervousness he answered.

"It is tough but I wouldn't change a thing. The four of us need to stick together that's for sure."

"Do you struggle with financial issues?"

"No ma'am, I learned how to deal with it a lot from my father and from school. I'm well prepared for anything that comes along."

"What I mean is, are you making enough money with you job and Sodapop's?" she looked at my brother as though he was scum. Like he had no brains because he dropped out of school. More anger build up inside me as I scrubbed the pan.

"We are getting by just fine." Darry said clearing his throat again. I hate her making him feel uncomfortable like this. Her making any of them feel anxiety.

"Pony, you are the youngest, do you feel you are being taken care of by your older siblings?"

"Yes." I almost had to laugh, Pony and his one worded answers.

"Care to explain?" she rudely added. The longer time ticked by the angrier I got.

"They all take care of me in different ways ma'am. Darry is strict but makes sure I'm doing the right thing. Soda is always there for me to talk to. Lucy reminds me so much of my Mom its scary." I dropped the dish I was rising into the sink, making a clanking noise. No one in the other room seemed to notice as composed myself. I wasn't expecting him to say something like that.

"How strict is Darry?"

"Enough to get on my nerves but not to much to really bother me."

"And Sodapop, how often do you confine in him?" what is with the third degree? Does she really need to know this shit?

"Everyday, makes me feel better."

"Lucy, what does she do?" what does it matter what I do?

"She just knows me well. She knows all of us really well. Knows how to help us without even saying two words, its really sort of extraordinary. My mother could do the same thing."

"That is extraordinary." I heard her ponder out loud. Oh, shut up. I wanted to tell her. It was turning on seven, go away already.

"Miss Lucy, bring me some more coffee would you?" what no please?

Bringing the pot I poured her some more without looking at her. Maybe that wasn't the best idea because I heard her screech and the sound of a glass clanking. Looking down I put the pot on the table and gaped what I had done. How dumb could you get Lucy, I told myself still gaping.

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PHEW! That was tiring. :D but I enjoyed ever second.


	19. Time Can't Heal Everything

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is umm mine :D

ENJOY :D

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**Living For**

_Time Can't Heal Everything_

With my mouth wide open I turned to my brothers in front of me. Pony was gaping just as I was, looking from me to Rose. Soda was trying so hard not to laugh. He held his napkin in a death grip while biting his lip. My eyes glanced over at Darry. He looked really mad, I swear I could see steam escaping his ears. My eyes made their way over to the woman standing next to me. Her arms hung in the air, distaste all over her face. Rose's bright red dress was dripping with the lukewarm coffee. No one made a move. No one made a sound.

Suddenly my mouth became very dry. I felt awful but was also feeling a sense of satisfaction because the incident seemed to shut her up. Except for the sounds of unhappiness coming from her mouth. Darry moved me out of the way a little harshly. "Mrs. Peter, I'm so very sorry for this." I said standing against the wall.

"Well." She breathed a few gusts of air. "It was an accident, I forgive you." Psh…like I need or want her forgiveness. Wait, I do want it.

"Lucy you clean up this mess." Darry ordered taking Rose by the hand. "Mrs. Peter please come with me. We will get you some dry clothes."

I cleaned up the mess. All of it. The wet table, floor, everything. By the time I was done Pony and Soda joined me in the kitchen. They looking at me strangely but a little amused. "Did you do that on purpose?" Soda asked.

"Of course not, it was an accident." Darry came storming in the room with a hushed but angry voice.

"Accident my ass!" boy did he look mad. Not at all amused like my other brother's. I glanced over at them who no longer looked entertained.

"Darry, I didn't mean to."

"Whatever, I let her barrow some of your clothes because it was your fault." my body fell as the words left my brother's mouth.

"Dar, those aren't just mine, they were Mom's. Your going to let HER take MOM'S clothes?"

"Yes, because it is all your doing. She has to change because of you so deal with it." Darry left the room and sat in the arm chair. My other two brother's followed sitting on the couch. I stood in the middle of the room feeling guilty, ashamed and annoyed. I'd look over at my brothers, all not really paying attention to anything, except Darry. He was glaring at me harshly so I had to turn my back away from him. Fifteen minutes have passed and Rose was still in my room changing.

"Go check on her." Darry said not really addressing anyone but the order was meant for me.

With an annoyed sigh I walked to my bedroom door. Knocking on it gingerly I let myself in. My lungs clenched together with anxiety. My eyes blinked hurriedly, not wanting to believe what I was seeing. Fists tightened at my sides while my legs tensed. The sight was horrifying to me. So horrifying I felt faint. Rose Peter was sitting on my bed with her legs crossed. Wearing a purple dress with a white collar and ribbon on her middle. Opened on her lap, resting in her hands was my notebook. My notebook that I write PRIVATE letters to my mother in. I wanted to yell at her but instead I quickly paced over to her and snatched the book out of her hands. She looked applauded at me as I held the notebook close to my chest.

"What do you think you are doing?" I harshly spat.

"Is all that true?" she stood up and inched towards me.

"Mrs. Peter, this is my private journal. What gives you the right to plaster your eyes all over its pages?"

"I was only curious, I'm glad you found something to put your emotions in." she smiled still inching toward me. I ended up backing into the dresser, still hugging the notebook.

I felt invaded. Foiled inside, with nothing hiding me from her curious, invading eyes. She trailed up my body and ended at my left leg. So she did get to the fifth page where I explain to Mom what I was doing.

"Let me see it."

"See what?"

"Your injuries. Obviously this is no place for a young, growing girl to be living. You need help dear." my rage and anger lashed out when she mentioned me not living with my brothers.

"You don't know me, so don't try and pretend to! I am better off here! I need them, they need me. You will never take me away never!"

"Lucy, you need to calm down." her lips tightened. We stared each other down, neither looking away. My brothers were in the door way looking between us.

"What's going on?" Darry panted out worriedly.

"It seems that I must take my leave. I will be back to make a random inspection. If things do not improve by the next time I'm here, the judge will have to reconsider his decision." grabbing her red dress off the bed she glared at me until she was out of my bedroom door. I threw the notebook back on my bed and followed close behind.

"YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" I yelled as she slid into her coat. Her name shouldn't be Rose, it should be Devil Women. She turned around looking at me with a dangerous, malicious grin.

"I can do what ever I see fit." she left out the door and I was behind her holding the door open watching her get into her fancy car as she drove away. The house was silent. Her presence lingered in the living room, making a cold, angry shiver run down my spine. I angrily punched the door frame. Than I walked into the house kicking the coffee table, making it move up against the couch. Panting out and yelling I punched the wall, sending a shock wave throughout my body. Muttering curse words to myself I punched the wall again in my fit of rage. Sodapop came up behind me to make me stop, locking my arms around my back. Angry, frustrated tears formed in my eyes.

"What happened?" they kept repeating. "What's going on?"

"What did she mean by the judge's decision?" all my brothers kept asking questions that I couldn't answer. Ripping away from Soda, I ran to my bedroom. Slamming the door before locking it, I jumped onto my bed looking at the notebook. Frowning and crying I threw the book across the room, banging it onto the wall. Time passed and I heard the noises of excited, teenage boys jump throughout the house. The gang must be here to hear the 'oh so wonderful' news. There was a few muffled words outside my door before a small knock.

"Lucy, let me in." It was Dallas. But he was one person I didn't want to see. I wanted to be alone, away from everything.

"Tell me what happened." he told me knocking on the door again. When I made no noise or move toward the door, he sighed walking away. Next thing I knew he was at my window opening it with little effort. I've really got to remember to lock that. Climbing into my bedroom, he sat next to me on the bed.

"Tell me." feeling sick to my stomach I threw my hands into my hair. Clenching it fiercely, with a new wave of tears cascading down my face. All this was my fault. The coffee, the notebook, my parents, nothing was right anymore. I was messed up. My legs are fucked up. My head it too, only more so. Leaning into Dally's side he put his arm around me, kissing my temple. The situation I so suffocating.

Pulling myself together a little I grabbed the book off the floor and opened my bedroom door. Dally following me into the living room where everyone was lounging, wrestling or reading. The whole gang was there. Frowning deeper as everyone stopped what they were doing to look at me I held up the notebook.

"This is what she found." Dally moved in front of me and sat down on the coffee table.

"She found my journal, I write to Mom in it." everyone's faces fell as I spoke. No one new about the notebook, now everyone did.

"I'm not sure how many pages she read but a lot more than I ever wanted anyone to."

"What's in there that made her react like that? Her face looked almost malicious." Pony said closing his book.

"A lot of personal thoughts and experiences. Things that none of you know about. Things that no one should ever know about me. I feel so validated." I said this breathing a little bit as I sat on Darry's lap in the armchair. Leaning into his warmth I sucked in the remaining tears wanting to escape my eyes.

"I would feel that way too." Johnny whispered as I hugged the book close to my chest. The room was silent for a while but than Steve asked the one question everyone was thinking.

"What is going to happen now?"

"She told us we better fix things or the judge will make a new decision." I frowned as I looked up at Darry who looked worn and upset.

"Fix things? There is nothing wrong to fix." Soda thought out loud.

Thinking for a moment I looked down at my legs, knowing what was under my skirt. "She meant me. The comment was directed at me."

"Don't put all that pressure on yourself baby girl." Darry told me. All of a sudden Dally stood up and stormed out of the house we all looked after the door confused.

"What crawled up his ass?" Two-bit asked as everyone chuckled.

"Don't know but at least he isn't throwing a fit here." Steve chimed in.

"I'd rather him have it here than have him going around destroying stuff and getting into fights." getting up off Darry's lap I bid everyone goodnight. Soda followed me to the hallway asking if I was okay but I just nodded walking into my room. What a surprise, Dallas Winston was laying on my bed smoking a cigarette. Now that I think about it, Dally is in my room more often than I am.

"Sorry I stormed off." he told me flicking ashes out the window. I nodded and changed into my night clothes, not even worried about him seeing my cuts. Pulling my skirt down I tossed on an old pair of pants of Pony's that used to be Soda's. Dally didn't look away like he usually does, he stared at my body. His eyes going wide and than going back to normal after a moment. They were covered up, he wouldn't see what the bandages really concealed. He would think it was the stab wound from a month ago. I counted the seconds that passed between him saying sorry and me throwing on a new shirt.

Kicking the dirty clothes in the corner of my room I shivered. His eyes were blaring down on my skin. When I looked at him he was still staring. Asking an unspoken question with his eyes, but was ignored by me. I shooed him out of my room. I wanted to be alone for once. He was pushed out of my room right before I shut the door, turning the light off. In the darkness of my room I slipped under the covers with a heavy heart. On my side I sighed into the pillow.

With exhaustion of body and mind I fell into a hard sleep. The rest only seemed to last a few minutes because there was a knock on my door the next time I opened my eyes. Turning over to my other side I saw Soda's head pop in after looking at the clock. Eleven wasn't that late but why would he be bothering me when I finally got to sleep.

"Natalia is here to see you." this late at night I thought as I got out of bed. Tip toeing out of my bedroom I squinted at all the boys who were still up. Dally was gone but I expected him to leave anyway. Opening the door I let her in and pushing her to my bedroom. She looked like a mess.

Once in my room I took a better look at her. Her clothes were torn and caked with dirt. She had a large bruise on her left cheek. Natalia's eyes were swollen and puffy. My best friend stood rigid and uncomfortable in my room. All of a sudden she collapsed into tears onto my bed. Cradling her body I rocked her back and forth. What was going on? Something wasn't right, something horrible had happened to my friend and I couldn't do anything about it without the facts.

"Honey, talk to me."

"Lucy, I feel so dirty!" she chocked out after clenching onto my shirt.

"Tell me what happened." I demanded it more than asked. She was scaring me, I didn't know what to do. "Start from the beginning.""I was at the old bowling ally tonight with some old girl friends. I should of invited you, this would of never happened to me if you were there." she wailed throwing herself against me closer.

"What did happen?" suspense was killing me. I wanted to know if my thoughts were true. Or if it wasn't as bad as I imagined. Or maybe its worse then expected. Whatever it was it had Natalia really shaken up. And if it was as I feared than I think I might just have to kill the person responsible for doing this to my friend.

"They ditched me around nine so I was just eating fries at the concession area by myself." She paused and sat up a little bit staring off into space. "Than a guy I knew came up to me."

"A guy? What guy?" Natalia ignored my question and continued.

"He was really nice to me, just like I remembered him being. I trusted him as we talked about old times and old flings."

"Flings?" again she ignored me and went on.

"We talked until ten, it was getting pretty late so I told him I had to go home. He offered to walk me home, which at the time was really inviting since the last time I walked home late at nigh I almost got stabbed." Natalia glanced at me with a grateful expression.

"So he walked you home." I repeated her comment to myself.

"We didn't make it to far from the bowling ally though." She frowned and leaned into me again.

"What happened?"

"He rapped me." the message was clear. She did it quick but not painless. Almost like ripping off a bandage, I could still feel the stick from were she ripped.

"What?" my voice was harsh and angry to the extent of it leaking throughout the room. I wanted to pound someone's head in. I wanted to punt little kitty cats and burn them to ashes I was so made. Who ever did this was going to pay!

"WHO!" I venomously spat.

"He dragged me into an ally, had no mercy Lucy, no mercy." she started to sob again. My angry, protective self rocked my friend trying to sooth her. My mind swam looking for a plan and finally formed one, she was to go to the hospital.

"Tell me who." I ordered wrapping the blanket off my bed around her shoulders.

"Michael….Michael Joans." She chocked out. My fingers itched to grab the bat out of my closet and leaving her here while I beat him to death. Michael was an ex-boyfriend of Rocky's. He tried to go after me once but I told him to go screw himself, so did Two-bit. The two of them got into a fight because Michael wouldn't listen to me or Two-bit. I wish Two would of finished him off right then and there. Just like I want to make him disappear from existence now. But I have to save that for later, she needs to get help.

"I'm sorry Lucy, I didn't know where else to go. I knew you would know what to do." I had no clue what to do, I'm making this up as I go.

"I'm taking you to the hospital, lets go." She shuttered back from me."The boys are out there, I don't want them to see me like this." Even though they watched her enter my room not ten minutes ago, I complied with her request.

"I'll get rid of them." I went out of my room and looked at my boys. Two-bit, Steve, Soda, Pony, Johnny and Darry all looked at me strangely. I stuck out my chest to make myself look taller and bigger than I was.

"Everyone do me a favor and go into Darry's room." They stared at me confused which just made me irritated.

"GO! Please." I ordered. They all stood up and shuffled into Darry's room without a word. They all scattered around as I entered the room behind them.

"Darry I need to barrow the truck." I told him."What's going on Lucy?"

"I will explain later, this is an emergency and I have no time to waste."

"Here." he tossed me the keys off his night stand.

"Where are you going?" Soda asked.

"Hospital, Natalia is hurt." everyone's eyes grew with this new information.

"I'll take her." Darry said standing up and coming toward me.

"No, she doesn't want to be around men. I have to go. Stay in the room until I'm gone." He looked at me confused and worried. "Please call Sarah and tell her to meet us at the hospital? If I'm not home tonight than I stayed the night with Natalia at the hospital or at her house. Don't wait up." I told them as I closed the door to his room. Than opened it again.

"Darry, I want my switchblade back." walking over to his dresser he pulled it out of his top compartment. Handing it to me, he gave me a serious face.

"Be careful." shutting the door I muttered to them.

"Aren't I always?" running back into my room Natalia had fallen asleep on my bed. Any other day I could probably lift her up and take her to the truck. But I didn't want to wake her up but I did anyway."Natalia…..Nate." I shook her but she was unresponsive. She was out. Sighing I went back to Darry's room. They looked at me like I was insane because I said I was leaving but I hadn't yet.

"Soda, come with me." Sodapop came out of the room but I shut the door behind him. I guided my twin to my room and politely ordered him around.

"Lift her into the truck for me please? Careful not to wake her because if you do I'm not sure how she will react." Soda gently slipped his arms around her body and lifted her. As I slipped on my converse, not even caring to tie them, I went ran after my brother and friend.

He already had her in the cab of the truck, laying her on the seat and shutting the door. I gave him a hug for confidence and support. "Thanks Soda."

"I will be alright Lucy, she's in good hands." Soda smiled reassuringly at me. I trotted across the front of the truck and got in. I've driven before but I don't have a license. Pulling out of the makeshift driveway I hurried to the hospital. Only to arrive with a still sleeping Natalia.

Locking the truck doors I ran to the emergency desk of the hospital. "Please, I need help getting my friend out of my truck. She is a rapped victim." I informed the lady as she told a few people to follow me outside to the parking lot. They put her onto a stretcher that was rolled outside back inside. Police arrived just as Sarah was coming through the sliding doors. She ran to me and hugged me with shakily.

The police asked me questions, I explained everything that had happened in the last hour. How she showed up at my house beaten and rapped. I told them who did it without shame of being a snitch. All the while comforting Sarah as her daughter was in the other room sleeping. Sooner after telling my piece Sarah left me for her daughter. You could hear them crying together, as I sucked in my breath in the waiting room I looked around. I still hate hospitals.

That bastard Michael Joans. M2J they called him….that mother fucking bastard. I screamed in my head as I heard Natalia shriek in horror the next room over. Pigs. Men. They are pretty much all the same. With their minds on one thing. Sick, perverted, sadistic men! Okay maybe I'm going a little over board but still they can be pretty distasteful. You know what, girls are too. Everyone is! The world is disappointing as a whole. Where did we all go wrong? Who went wrong first? And why the hell does the best have to go through the worst, like Natalia.

She doesn't deserve to be laying down in a hospital bed crying. Getting her privates examined by doctors and detectives, she doesn't need it. Natalia is the nicest person I've ever met. She never steals or cheats. My friend is practically a nun when it comes to….well everything. Fighting everyday for what is right, peace among humans and animals alike. Why? Why did God do this to her? He could have protected her.

Just like he should have protected my parents. My parents should be alive! Like Natalia should of never of been abused. None of this is right. NOTHING IS! Getting up off the chair I entered the room they were in with a knock. Both of them had calmed down and were smiling at me gratefully but weakly.

"Lucy, why are you always so good to me?" Natalia said sitting up as the doctor left the room with the police officers.

"Because you deserve the best Natalia, always have. This doesn't change a thing, you are still the best person that you have always been." I said giving her a hug.

"Thanks, lets go home. I want to get this filth off me." She said sliding off the bed and stumbled out the door with her mother.

"Are you coming dear?" Sarah called after me as I stood in the room. Walking up to them we walked out into the cool air of the night. It was one o'clock now and the air was crisp with the fast approaching winter in a matter of months.

"Can you give us a ride home? I got a cab here because my car is at the DX." I nodded and escorted them to the truck with a hand on my blade in my pajama pocket. After helping Natalia in and Sarah I went around the back and jumped in starting up the Ford. It roared in the silence of the night as I pulled out of the parking space. In a matter of minutes I was helping them our of the truck and into their house.

Sarah and I got Natalia ready for bed. Helped her shower and get dressed. She was really sore and emotional, it was hard to see her like that. Every once in awhile she would be fine but than she would randomly collapse or start screaming. It took the both of us about two hours to actually get her to calm down and in bed. Natalia was asleep on the couch, rolled in a very large blanket. The only thing visible was her bruised face.

I cringed away from that face and went into the kitchen with Sarah. Sarah started a pot of tea as she thanked me over and over again about the night. And last month how I save Natalia's life. I told her it was no big deal because it wasn't. In truth I was only reacting not thinking. Than I made a joke by saying if I was thinking straight I would have booked my ass out of there. For the first time that night Sarah laughed, I felt the air in the room lighten with her laughter. We sat at the back drinking the tea.

"I'm serious Lucy, you've done so much for me and her."

"What else am I going to do." I said shrugging.

"I wish I could do something for you. You look so different since….well you know. Act different too from what Natalia tells me." what has she been tell her.

"Well things change for the worst when the worst happens." I said with a huge frown.

"How are things going?"

"As good as could be expected." I answered with Darry's words. Than I told her about the pervious day and the social worker. How she was threatening me and telling me I was going to be taken away. Only I sugar coated it to make sure it didn't make it sound like I was in trouble.

"That's horrible." Sarah said with a sip of tea.

"Your telling me." chugging the rest of my beverage I leaned back in the kitchen chair. The room was silent for a while, Sarah looking of thoughtfully. She was so beautiful. Beautiful like my mother, had that same caring face. Her expression always serene even when her mind was crazy with thoughts, just like my Mom. Able to hide what was truly going on in her brain, like me. At least I try to make it seem I'm okay but to some eyes, I can not make blind.

"We're leaving." her comment brought me out of my thoughts and shocked me to no end.

"What?" I was stunned.

"I'm taking Natalia away from this horrible place. This disgusting house and town. We are going to travel, me and her, just the two of us. We talked about it before but she didn't want to because her friends. But this time I'm making the decision for her, it's for her own safety now." Sarah had a sly and confident smile plastered on her face with determined eyes.

"Sarah, what…where did this come from? You can't leave." I told her sitting up a little.

"Lucy this is the second thing that has happened to her within a month. It can only go down hill if we stay here. Next it could be her death." my eyes almost leaked out of my head when she spoke the word….death. I can barely even think it let alone say it.

"Yeah but she is stronger, you can't take her away from her life." determined to change her mind I leaned over the table with hard eyes.

"Stronger? You call that…in there…stronger?" she looked at me pointing to her daughter in the living room.

"What I mean is that she will over come this and be a better person for it. She will become stronger as a person."

"No Lucy, she is not like you. Not everyone can think about being better than….poof they are. Time can only heal some wounds but environment takes over for what time can't mend."

I had never heard anything like that before and it was so true. Sarah must believe my mask, at least I can fool someone. "Please don't go."

With pleading eyes I stared Sarah down. "It's my final decision. We will being leaving by Monday."

"Monday? That's in a day….that's tomorrow."

"I know. The sooner the better. I'm selling the car and getting a VW bus for us to travel in. Everything will work out." Sarah sounded like she new what she was talking about but I still didn't want her to go.

"I see I can't change your mind." She shook her head no as I stood up. Without a word I left through the front door and closed myself into the truck. Putting my head on the steering wheel, I yelled to no one in particular.

"First my parents, now my best friend. Stop taking people out of my life." hollering as I hit the steering wheel with my fists. After huffing and puffing to myself I started to drive off with the radio as background noise.

For a while I drove just to be away, stopping when needed and going the speed limit. Eventually I made it to a destination that I was not aware I was headed, my parents cemetery. Darry's watch sat on top of the dashboard staring at me with the numbers of five-thirteen. Had the night passed already? Turning off the truck I scurried up the pathway to my parents tombstones. They stared up at me. Falling to my knees I traced the letters on the stone with my fingers.

"Hi Mom. Hey Dad."

* * *

Poor Natalia, Michael Joans that poop face. XD


	20. So Sick

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is umm mine :D

Everyone, thank you for being honest with your reviews. You opinion matters to me and I appreciate every single comment that is given to me so thanks for being supports. I hope you find this chapter to your liking.

* * *

**Living For**

_So Sick_

"Hi Mom. Hey Dad."

No answer came but I could hear their voices in my head. My dad with his deep, smooth, controlled voice. "Hey baby."

Mom's voice too, right after Dad's. Striking through the air with her soft, delicate voice. "Hello my Lucy."

I laid down into between their graves, putting my head right next to their tombstones. Just like I would if I was laying in their bed with them. Closing my eyes, I imagined I was and they were right next to me. Dad to my right and Mom to my left. They both looking down at me as I lay, the three of us talking in our night clothes. My parents looked down at me with concerned filled eyes.

"Its all wrong!" I hollered sitting up from the ground. Sitting up I stared down at the stone in front of me. All the while pounding my fist into the grass.

"Nothing will be right again!" my parents voices still rang in my mind. Even though I knew they were not there I felt them.

"Everything will turn out all right baby." Dad reassured me as I squeezed my eyes shut.

"Your strong Lucy, strongest women I've ever known." Mom tells me.

"YOUR DEAD!" I screamed at the ground."Nothing is going to fix itself! Time cant heal all wounds and obviously neither can environment." I could hear my words echo into the distance of the cemetery. No fake voices came after that but I kept going. Having a frantic breakdown, it had been awhile since I last had one.

"Look what I fucking did to myself because of this!" Screaming I slapped my thighs leaning over to get closer to the graves. "Look. What. I. DID!" starting with a whisper and ending in a scream.

"I WANT YOU BACK!" if anyone would have seen me yelling to no one they would of thought I was crazy. I think I'm crazy. Falling to the ground again I curled up into a ball and wept. The wind blew over me on the ground making a whistling sound.

Now that I'm down I don't want to get back up. I don't want to go home. I don't want Natalia to leave. I don't want my parents dead. I don't want to feel alone even when I'm not. I don't want to cut myself. I don't want to be a psycho. I don't want this life. I don't want to live. I don't want to have feelings for Dallas. I don't want to let go of what once was. I don't want to see my family suffer. I don't want to be taken away from my brothers. I don't want to see the social worker again. I don't want any of this! NOTHING!

"Nothing." I whispered to myself. After a few minutes of composing myself I stood up noticing the sun had risen only to find the clouds were setting in over it. My eyelids were heavier than they were a while ago. Sleepless nights plus, sleepless nights, plus stress add up to more stress and sleepless nights. Looking down at the graves I said a silent goodbye to my parents and headed home.

The ride home was reckless and dangerous because I felt myself not only falling asleep but not caring that I was falling asleep. I swerved into the other lane and had someone blare their horn at me. Getting back in my lane I turned right into the DX station, not able to go any further. Soda did not work today but I knew Steve did and right now I could use a friend or at least a ride home. Shutting the Ford off I fell out of the truck on my hands and knees. Receiving a hearty chuckle from a toothless old man getting into his car. Shaking my head I stood up and shut the door to the truck. Before heading for the door I made sure to glare at the old man, causing him to laugh harder.

I didn't have the energy to give a shit enough to tell him to shut up. Stumbling into the gas station I notice that there was no one in the building except Ryan, the dude that works them pumps usually. The garage next door was booming with music and noises of mechanical machines.

"Soda doesn't work today Lucy." he told me without looking up at me from his magazine.

"I know." I said ignoring the employee only sign. Going through the door that leads to the garage I didn't bother to pick up my feet as I dragged them along the floor. Steve had his back turned to me bent over under the hood of some car. He was shaking his butt along with the song that was playing; Elvis, Jailhouse rock.

Despite myself I had to smile at my friend, what a goof ball. Looking around I noticed that the small couch in the corner was vacant so I shuffled over to it, not making much effort to be noticed. Throwing myself onto the couch, I laid on my left side, facing away from Steve's dancing butt. Curling up against the back of the couch I hoped that I would fall asleep or something. With red, exhausted eyes I shut them without hesitation. Not even caring about all the noises going on around me. Than I felt someone's hand on my shoulder. Tiredly I turned my body to face Steve, he did not look happy to see me.

"Are you okay?" for the first time in a long time I didn't lie about the way I felt. I felt like shit inside and out. Right now I was so fucked up I didn't have the mind set to say I was fine.

Shaking my head no, I rested it back down onto the couch cushion while looking up at Steve. Whipping his hands with a red cloth he frowned down at me. "Do you want me to call Sodapop?" I shook my head no, not wanting to make a fuss.

Clearing my throat I spoke to my friend. "Just want to rest for awhile."

"What's the matter?"

"Everything Stevey." I whispered with a tear falling down my face. Steve had a crease on his forehead that told me he didn't know what to do.

"Go to sleep Luc." he told me turning the music off. Nodding I turned away from him again, shutting my eyes. Instantly fell into a sleep that was lighter than air.

_**(Steve's POV)**_

I didn't know what to do. Usually when a girl cries they need a hug, right? Lucy didn't seem like she needed a hug. She seemed exhausted and frustrated. Her eyes were red from crying, I know that much. What happened last night with Natalia? Everything just seems out of place with her, and I have no clue how to help her. The girl needs to rest, Soda told me she hardly ever sleeps. The bags under her eyes don't lie either.

When I came back from turning the music off she was already fast asleep. Her body was not calm or peaceful though. It was rigid and tense. For sure she was not comfortable with something. Something was bugging her deeper than the surface. I don't blame her though. Her parents died just a month ago, I wouldn't expected her to always be upbeat like she used to be. No one is as they used to be in that family, and I consider that to be normal. Even Sodapop has his moments where his sorrow takes over. Like he can't help but be sad even if he tries not to feel that way.

Even the gang has reacted to the loss of the Curtis parents. I know it hit me hard. At first I didn't know how to react but after awhile it socked me in the heart, causing me to feel crushed like they are. Realizing that there weren't coming back or that the Curtis family was going through hell and there is not thing I can do to help them. Its not the way I am anyway, I wouldn't know what to do. I never know what to do when it comes to emotional stuff. The only emotion that I know how to deal with is anger, because I deal with it everyday. Sometimes I might not be able to control my own but I know how to handle others that are flaming mad.

It's all I'm good for I guess. That and fixing cars. Soda told me once that I'm like sandpaper to skin when it comes to comforting someone. And I am. Evie told me something like that once too. She had just gotten in a fight with her pop, and was upset with tears. I was mad. Mad as hell but she wasn't. And I don't understand that sort of thing. When me and my old man get into a fight it get's pretty violent. He's made me an angry person. Now when other's don't get mad, I get mad because they don't have to angry like me.

Lucy isn't an angry person but she has a bad temper. Just like me and Dal, but she has more control. Lately that control seems to be slipping away. I hope she doesn't become angry like me or hard like Dally. That just wouldn't be right for her to be that way. Hard as steel, nothing can touch you. Dal always brags about the way he is. Lucy has always been there to put him in his place. Saying something like 'Yeah, nothing can touch you, including the good things in life.' It always gets him really cheesed off, I would be too. But lately our little Lucy can't even bring herself to make comments like that anymore. To say stuff that uplifts everyone's mood, like her Mom used to do. Like the both of them singing.

If there was one thing that I miss the most about Maggie is her singing voice. Her and Lucy singing was the sweetest sound that has ever been heard by my ears. So soothing and uplifting. But now Maggie is gone and I'm afraid Lucy will be lost forever if she doesn't pull it together soon.

Sitting at the counter I checked out a lady on her way to work. Saying thank you she left out the door. Lucy has only been here about ten or fifteen minutes, poor kid. Lifting up the phone I dialed the number to the Curtis's house. It rang four or five times before Sodapop answered on the other end in a happy good morning voice of his.

"Heeello?"

"Hey Soda.""Steve, what's happening man? Ya need me to come in to work?" Soda asked sounding a bit disappointed.

"No man, Ryan and I got the place under control. But I do need you to pick up your sister. She showed up about twenty minutes ago, fell asleep on the couch."

"What? That's not like her, she okay?"

"I'm not sure. I asked her if she was and she said no. Something is up man, something's wrong." I said shaking my head at the situation.

"I'll be right over, she showed up with the truck?"

"I think so." Soda would be her in a matter of minutes. When it came to Lucy he was more serious. He told me once that he felt like he needs to protect her more than anyone else in the world. Told me it was different with her, and I can understand that.

"Be there I a few, oh and Steve?"

"Yeah man?"

"Look out for her until I get there."

"No problem pal." Soda hung up the phone without another word. The bell rang as a car pulled up outside, asking for gas. As I got up from my seat I looked back at the door of the garage, hoping Soda would hurry.

_**(Lucy's POV)**_

My body collided with the hard, dirty floor. Moaning with dissatisfaction I rolled over onto my stomach before getting off the ground. When I was standing I began to sway like a flag in the wind. Flailing my arms out to balance myself I started walking out of the garage and under the overcast sky. Looking up I felt the wind hit my cheeks, making a shiver run down my spine. Turning my eyes forward I saw Steve coming towards me from the gas pumps. He was giving me a slight smile as he approached.

"You didn't sleep very long." he said as I started to sway again. I felt sick to my stomach. My head felt as though it was going to fall off my neck and roll away. Steve grabbed my arms to steady me, I leaned into his hands, not able to hold myself up. The thought crossed my mind that I might pass out. Or that I was going to throw up because the feeling of acid burning my insides was very present.

"Are you alright?" he asked with a worried expression.

"I…I'm." I didn't get to finish. My eyes widened as I covered my mouth. Hurriedly I moved away from Steve and clung myself to the metal trash can a few feet away. My hand gripped the trash tightly as my head was buried into the darkness of the can. Leaning my body into the can I almost fell in head first while my body purged itself of all that was inside my stomach. If it wasn't for Steve grabbing my waist I would of found myself inside a trash can with my own vomit all over me. Breathing heavily I stood up and whipped the tears that had formed in my eyes.

Leaning back on my heals I almost fell over. Steve brought me down to the ground and I leaned back against the building. My friend told me he would get me some water. Disgustingly I pulled the bits of vomit out of the tips of my hair. With the hair band around my wrist I flung my hair up into a messy bun. Most of it falling out but it was better than it being in my face. Way to go Lucy. You really did good this time, I thought as Steve handed me a glass of water and a washcloth.

Dabbing my hot neck after putting water on the towel, I sipped on the liquid. Steve was looking around the area as he stood over me protectively. This is horrible. I hate my body. When my brain has a malfunction, when something in me snaps and my emotions run wild, my body reacts. It reacts to being abused by these emotions. It always has, I usually throw up or get a fever, sometimes even pass out. From recent events, I've become upset. In turn, making my entire being upset.

I shook horribly as I sat there. My body hot and bothered. It's skin flaming against the coldness of the wind. The teeth gritted together in my mouth from the swimming sensation in my stomach and head. Sipping tiredly on the water I closed my eyes. Every bone in my body tensing. Each muscle on lockdown. Everything in my being telling me I should be crying, but tears would not fall. I don't want them anymore, no more excess liquid from my eyes.

As I opened my eyes I felt my lip quiver from the strain of everything. My eyes alert but held together at my brow. I closed them again in strain. The frown on my lips could not get any bigger as I leaned hard against the building. No longer putting the cold washcloth on my neck. Spilling the water on the concrete clumsily I clenched the cloth in a death grip. Opening my eyes again I looked up at Steve who was looking down at me worried. I looked back at him feeling a million weights push down onto my chest. He was about to say something but looked away. My eyes looked to where he was glnaceing and saw my twin brother jogging toward us from the direction of our home.

You would think that relief would surge through my body, but it didn't. Any other day I probably would feel relieved, but right now I'm not sure what was going on. I feel sick all over, I want to die and end all of this shit. Steve walked over to Soda before he could reach me. The two young men talked to each other in hushed voices. Even if they talked normal I would be able to here them clearly, I can't even see straight. They glanced at me with the same expression, concern.

I felt so heavy, and tired. Right then I just wanted to sleep and never come too. Because when I did wake up I would be in another stupid, heart breaking situation just like this one. There are only three reasons I'm not charging myself toward a moving vehicle; Darry, Sodapop, and Ponyboy. Maybe I should be grateful that they are there so I don't throw myself off a building top. Sodapop and Steve moved toward me in a fast walk.

"Lucy." I looked at Soda pleading. Like he would take all the pain and bad feelings away. All the discomfort of my mind and body.

"I want to go home." whimpering. Boy did I sound pathetic. If it was any other time I would have cared what I sounded like. I would have been standing up by now if I cared. Or pretended that I was fine, if I cared. If I cared I would of scolded myself for being so weak, but I don't.

"Lets go baby." handing Soda the keys he tried to help me up. Really I tried, I did, my legs just wouldn't lift me. Soda motioned to Steve as my twin ran off toward the truck. Seconds later he had pulled it around the front of the building to where Steve and I were. Steve came to my side and lifted my off the ground with only a little bit of effort. Gently he placed me into the cab of the truck.

"Steve, I'm sorry." he kissed me on the cheek with a smile that told me he was worried.

"Don't mention it Lucy Lou, I've got your back." he shut the door then Soda and I sped off.

My twin kept glancing at me every few seconds. I would of counted how long in between the glances but I just didn't care anymore. He was starting to make me dizzier with his quick glances. If I cared enough, I would of told him to quit it. All that was on my mind was the idea of not throwing up again. But my body didn't listen. The urge to vomit was vastly approaching. We pulled up to the house and with the last ounce of my energy I threw myself out of the truck.

Quickly dashing through the gate and up the front steps I crashed through the door. Running passed whoever was in the living room to enter the bathroom. Pushing the door closed behind me, I didn't shut it all the way. Collapsing on the floor I lost what was left of my stomach into the toilet. Whipping my mouth I climbed into the tub that was next to me. Curling up into a ball I turned the water on with my left hand. Cold water shot down from the showerhead onto my steaming body laying in the tub. I opened my mouth collecting some of the falling water. Letting it slip down my acid burned throat. Then I heard the bathroom door squeak as it opened.

With my eyes shut I didn't know who came in but who ever did turned off the freezing water. I felt like death. But that couldn't be true because something things in life are a hell lot worse than death. This was a lot worse than death. Finally curious enough to see who shut the water off I squinted up at the figure. My eyes took a few moments to focus before I could recognize the face.

Darry was staring down at me with anxiety in his eyes. Sodapop was looking over our brother's shoulder with the same expression. After a moment Darry turned to the toilet and flushed it. Oops, must of forgot to clean up after myself. Turning back to me he lifted my wet body against his bare chest. He cradled me in his arms as I whimpered at the new movement. His warmth wasn't helping this time. In fact, it was making me dizzier. Sodapop hovered behind Darry as they went into my room. The two of them were mumbling to each other but I was too disoriented to understand what they were saying.

He set me on my bed and pulled my untied shoes off. Darry than pulled my wet shirt of and threw on the floor. Lucky for him I was wearing a bra, but I don't thing he really cared. Neither did I, they have seen me before like this, in my underwear I mean. My brothers were dressing me like a doll, throwing on a large t-shirt on my torso. Making its way down my thighs and almost passing my knees. I handed Darry my blade from my pocket as he felt my forehead with a frown. Soda grabbed the bottom of my pajama pants from last night and started shimmying me out of them. If I wasn't so confused and out of it I would have remembered one very important thing about my legs, but I didn't.

The shirt covered up most of my body but didn't hide the bandages on my thighs. Both brothers took notice of the bandages but didn't say anything about them. They must of thought they were from the stab wounds, just like Dally had assumed last night. I sat on the edge of the bed feeling as though my eyes were going to leak out of my face. Looking up at my brothers they stared back at me still concerned. Dar left the room with my dirty clothes but Sodapop lingered. My twin put me under the covers and kissed my forehead. Darry came back with a cup of water and set it on the night stand. Kissing me just as Soda did he looked me in the eyes.

"You get some rest. If you need anything, PLEASE, don't wait to call one of us." I nodded closing my eyes. Instantly I was asleep without another word from my brothers.

* * *

Let me know what you think :D


	21. More Emotional Vomit

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is umm mine :D

Everyone, thank you for being honest with your reviews. You opinion matters to me and I appreciate every single comment that is given to me so thanks for being supports. I hope you find this chapter to your liking.

* * *

**Living For**

_More Emotional Vomit_

The shirt I was wearing was stilling to my body in sweat. Sun streamed into my bedroom, heating up my room. As I opened my eyes I had to fight the urge to throw a fit over the discomfort of the light. I had fallen asleep when it was light out but how the hell did I manage to wake up when it was sunny. Sliding out of bed I threw on a pair of shorts and trailed into the living room. Two-bit has sitting on the floor with a large piece of cake in his lap. With a beer in hand he burst out laughing at the TV, Mickey was on.

"Hey sleepy head." He said with a grin. I cringed at his loud voice, my head was pounding. Squinting at him I rubbed my temples.

"What day is it?"

"Monday, Dar called you in. I offered to stay and look after you." my eyes got wide realizing something horrifying. Collapsing into the armchair I hid my face with my hands. Natalia was leaving today.

Two-bit was talking to me but I listen, I just walked off into the bathroom. Locking the door behind me, I held back tears as I stripped of my clothes and bandages. In the hot shower I washed away the dirt and sickness in my hair. For a while I sat in a small ball with my legs tucked into my stomach. I can't believe I slept a whole day, I thought as I placed my chin on my knees. Natalia was leaving at any moment today, hell she might already be gone. Shoving the thought out of my mind I shut the water off and wrapped a towel around my body. Hiding my chest and legs I carried the bundle of dirty clothes out of the bathroom.

In my room I got dressed in a pair of jeans and old t-shit, not giving a shit what I looked like. Shoving my shoes on I ended up in the bathroom again brushing my teeth clean. After spitting I headed for the kitchen and gulped down a glass of water. Glancing at the time, nine o'clock, I headed for the front door.

"Where you goin? Dar told me you can't leave because your sick."

"I'm not sick anymore." lying I walked out of the door with a head throbbing migraine.

Two-bit followed behind me with his beer in hand. He would occasionally make a perverted comment or joke about someone walking down the street. I wasn't listening to his gibbering as we walked all the way to Natalia's house. When we got there it was deserted, they were gone.

Walking up to the door I banged on the door but there was no answer. I banged with both fists as hard as I could. Tears running down my face as I threw a fit.

As I leaned my head against the door I breathed out to the closed door. "Why did you have to leave me?"

"Lucy?" Two-bit…I forgot he was there. Turning around he looked up at me from the bottom of the steps. We were both quiet for a few moments. Just staring at each other. With watery eyes I started back in his serious ones. I leapt from the top of the steps to his arms. Clenching myself to him like he was going to disappear from my life just as everyone else has.

"Two-bit….everyone's leaving me. Why, what did I do? Everyone is disappearing." I wailed clinging to my friend, he held me tight.

"I can't be doing this Two-y." after a moment of breaking down in front of him I got fed up with myself and ran away from him. He didn't bother to run after me, he just stood with the same baffled expression I had left him with. I jogged while sobbing, not sure where to go or what to do. Without any more energy to run I wept on the curb of 24th and Birdsley Drive. No one was around that area and for this I was glad, I leaned my aching head on a light pull as I sat. Tears freely falling down my hot, red cheeks.

After a while, my tears dried up and I laid down on the filthy ground. I didn't care it was disgusting or irrelevant, I just laid looking up at the sky blankly. Everyone was leaving me. My parents, Natalia and soon I would be taken away from my brothers. Everything was disappearing right in front of me. I didn't even have my sanity anymore. It was all gone. Just like nothing was right. I heard footsteps coming toward me and soon had an old face leaning down into mine.

"What ya doin down there?" his wrinkles almost touched my face they were so saggy.

"Got knocked down." I scoffed with a meaningless chuckle. "Couldn't get back up."

My words weren't exactly a lie because metaphorically I was talking about my state of mind. The man's eyebrow furrowed and stood up straight still looking down at me. "Well isn't that something." he mumbled.

"You look familiar." the man told me rubbing his white, stubble chin.

"Is that so." I commented wanting to tell him to beat it.

"Yeah, some lady I met a few weeks ago, she gave me some money. Gosh what was her name?" he wondered out loud. Than I realized that this man was a beggar. Hmm, maybe he's talking about Mom.

"Maggie?" I asked with not much expression.

"That was her name! Such a sweet lady, she cave me a quarter every time she saw me. I think she liked me for my body." the man starting laughing like a hyena to himself. Laughing so hard he had to bend over from the strain on his elder body. Without another word he pushed a shopping cart full of….I have no idea what that was. He echoed throughout the streets still laughing as he was out of sight from me.

Sitting up I scoffed at myself. I really hate myself. I truly do, more than anyone I've ever encountered. Hell I love that guy I just met more than I love myself, and I don't even know his name. That's why everyone is leaving me, who could love someone who can't even love themselves. I bet Darry didn't even want me to live with him. He should of gone to college, and let us roam the streets. Or live with Two-bit or Steve. That's what my brother's would of done. Me, I would of traveled. Hell if push comes to shove I will get away from the social workers and government.

"Well lookie lookie here." looking up I saw one person I did not want to see, Will.

"Go away." snarling at him I pulled myself off the ground.

"Are you alright?" why the hell would he care?

"What's it to you?"

"Well, I was just wondering." I yelled after me as I jogged away from him not wanting to ever talk to him again.

"Leave me alone Will!"

I want a cigarette. Within the next half hour I found my way to Buck's place. Letting myself in I noticed that it was particularly quiet of his house. Everyone must be getting over a hangover or some shit. My stomach felt sick still, I felt sick. Why the hell was I here? Or even out of the house? Oh yeah I forgot, I don't care. Talking shit about myself in my head I looked around the first floor to find that there was no one around.

"Buck?" I called out in a hushed and operated voice. When I spoke my stomach did flips and my throat got tight. I better not throw up here. Telling myself to keep it together I headed upstairs, maybe Dal was here. Turning right I made it to his door. With a knock I let myself in. I saw a very disgusting sight, one that made my heart sink. Closing the door I ran for the nearest bathroom and vomited. It was only water but it still burned my throat. Chocking on my spit I leaned over the toilet again and hacked the rest that was in my mouth.

After flushing I cleaned my mouth out with water. Splashing water on my face I looked in the mirror and was not surprised at what I saw. My skin was a pale gray, a sickly ash color. My silver eyes were blood shot and vacant. The skin on my lips were pealing off and chapped. I think I've lost five pounds in the last hour because I don't remember being that skinny. On my face was a scowl, maybe it was just me but I've grown ugly.

Brushing off my face with the hand towel I kept it over my face. Screaming into the towel I fell to the floor in a hysterical fit. Crying and laying on the ground I felt like this would be the perfect time to die. Why did I have to have feelings for Dally, why? He isn't that great of a guy. He's a fucking greaser, hood for God sake. The worst thing about it is that I had a small hint in my mind, a tiny possibility that he might have feelings for me too. Who was I kidding. He's Dallas fucking Winston, never has feelings for anyone, EVER.

Me, I'm pathetic to think he ever would. I'm pitiful as a human being. Now Dallas was leaving me, even though I never had him. With my face still buried into the towel, I couldn't let go of the image of him in the bed with that girl. I don't know who she is, or what her life's like but I don't like her. For reasons that I shouldn't even have, I'm jealous of her. Jealous that she gets to share that bed with him. To have him whisper in her ear and kiss her neck. Look down at her with passionate eyes. But I could never be that for him.

I want a relationship, I want him to be what I want him to be. A man that will come to me when I'm broken down on the bathroom floor. To hold me when I'm in dire need for comforting. For him to kiss my temple and tell me things will always get worst before they get better. I want to be the person that he tells everything too, and not just as a friend. To be his girl. To wear his clothes when I'm asleep and awake. Let me hold his hand while we cuddle together. I want Dallas Winston forever.

Really, I don't think I love him but I do love him. I love him for who he is and who he isn't. For every sarcastic comment and every death glare. Love him for his soft, gentle voice when he whispers and his harsh, burning voice when he yells. I love that man. But I'm not in love with him. There is a huge difference. There is a huge boundary that someone like me will never get the chance to cross because I can't get close to him. With all my being I want to be close to him. Closer in so many ways. With touch and mind. We should be as one, but I'm thinking crazy. That's all I'll ever be, crazy.

Now than I ever, I wish I had my Mom to talk to about this. I have no idea what to do, I feel so helpless. Maybe the social worker was right, I do need help. But I don't want anyone, but I do. Everything in my head is mixed up. Everything in my world is mess up. My world is tumbling down and there is nothing I can do to put the pieces back together. There is no where for me to go and get repaired. Not even my family needs me anymore. They don't deserve to be worried or upset about me. The gang doesn't need me, and Dallas Winston definitely doesn't need me. Maybe I don't deserve him. Or deserve my family. This life of mine, do I deserve it. Do I get merits in heaven if I stay and tough this out? Does God know what he's doing to me?

There was a creek in the floor board as someone walked over to the bathroom door. My heart jumped in my throat in panic, no one needs to see me like this. How could they bare to see me like this, I can't even bare to see myself like this. The door squeaked open as someone pushed it open. I heard a gasp as the person saw me in a bundle on the ground. A warm hand was placed on my shoulder. Morning breath and booze filled the air around me. Making my stomach turn and twist with nausea. I didn't notice before but I was shaking horribly. Who ever it was next to me, tried to turn me on my back. My body didn't respond to the person's request until I gave up the fight.

The person pulled the towel away from my face and two large brown eyes popped into my vision. Long, disheveled, curly blond locks she had. Her skin a perfect, beautiful tan. Lovely full lips of cherry red color. The make up she wore was smeared. The girl's clothes were so tight I thought that she had them painted on. She was on her knees looking down at me with pity. Something I certainly didn't need, even though to anyone I would of looked pathetic. I think I looked pathetic.

"Are you alright honey?" her voice was creamy but high-pitched in a way that wasn't annoying but cute. I really hope that Dallas enjoyed her.

I sobbed more trying to pull away from her, knowing who she was. Knowing what she had just done not hours ago. Knowing who she had been with and where she had been. She tried to pull me into a hug but I wanted to punch her in the face. To kick her ass because she was the girl that I envied so badly, she had what I never will. She got up in a worried rush and headed to the left, Dally's room. Holy. Shit. No way is he seeing me like this. I heard their voices approaching so I quickly shut the door and locked it. There was a knock on the door it was nice, short and sweet.

"Honey, are you okay?" The girls voice came through the door with concern. She didn't know who I was, Dally didn't know I was here. Maybe I'll be fine if I just stay in here, they will tire soon enough and will take my leave without being noticed.

"It's okay, we are here to help you." She reassured me knocking on the door again. That girl would cringe at what I've been through. She would fall over from shock if she knew my feelings. I've had more painful experiences in the last month than I bet she's had in her entire life. How could she possibly think she could help me. I could here her whisper to Dally.

"Say something."

"Hey umm." he had no clue what to say because he had no idea who I was. I was going to keep it that way as long as possible.

"Ignore him, please let us in." ignore him!? I couldn't ignore him even if I tried, but I might have to try after this experience. Even through all of this excitement I've still managed to keep crying. Like my body couldn't give it a rest. They were lighter tears now though, I had to be quiet because Dallas couldn't know who I was.

"She ain't coming out so just leave the broad alone." Dally said to the girl.

"Dally baby, you didn't see her face. I've never seen anyone so upset before."

"She wants to be alone, so that's what we should do. Leave her alone. It was good to see you Trish but it's time for you to get the hell out of here." Dallas sounded venomous, I could picture his face scowling at her in rage. Pointing his strong, long finger to the stairs.

"Honey I want to help you." she cooed through the door.

"Who ever she is Trish, doesn't want your help so LEAVE!" I could hear the pitter patter of her feet going down the stairs after she cursed at him."Fuck you Dallas."

"Yeah, well same to you." the door was closed but I could see Dally just throwing his hand in the air when he told her that.

I was sure that Dallas had left and gone to his room but to make sure I waited an extra five minutes. With shaky legs I pulled myself off the floor with the help of the counter and stumbled to the door. Tears still gracing my face I opened the door while turning the light off. Walking our to the bathroom I didn't dare to look over at his door. If I had I would of lost myself and collapsed on the floor again. Right when I made it to the stairs Dally's voice stopped me from continuing on my way.

"LUCY!?" hearing his voice just made my knees weaker than before and I sat on the stairs gripping the railing for dear life. I shut my eyes as more tears streamed down my cheeks. A hard thumping of my chest was heard in my ears.

"YOU WERE IN THE BATHROOM?" he sounded so surprised. Baffled that I would have been in there by myself having a mental breakdown.

I felt his presence next to me as he lifted me into his arms. My eyes were still shut tight, not wanting to see his face. He was bare-chested against my body. Suddenly we were still, me on his lap. Even though his body was so warm and comforting I wanted to get away from it. Pushing my hands on his chest I struggled against his strong arms. But he held me tightly. Opening my eyes I fell limp in his arms, still freakishly crying. Than as his arms relaxed I pushed myself roughly away from him. Crawling into the corner I cradled myself up against the wall. He tried to reach for me but I did not allow him to.

"Lucy? Are you…" I could here the worry in his voice. "Are you afraid of me?"

Was I afraid of Dallas? Feeling the way I do toward him, I was scared. Knowing what he didn't feel hurt me. Him leaving me, frightened me. But him as a person, him as the man that I wished I was with, no. Shaking my head I leaned into the wall more trying to get farther away from him.

"Are you hurt?" I shrugged. What kind of hurt was he talking about? It depends, because right now I was both in pain physically and mentally, mostly mentally. My head ached for solace, but none came.

"Look at me." NO! I can't do that, it will hurt even more.

"Lucy, I don't know what to do." neither do I.

"I'm calling Darry." I please no. He is at work. This is so messed up, he can't know I'm like this. I wonder if Two-bit told him I ran off. Or if they are looking for me right now.

As Dally stood up to use the phone downstairs, I leapt from the corner shaking my head no. He looked me up and down with his brows shrugging together. Dal looked pained in the face. All of a sudden he started creeping towards me. I backed away with every inch he got closer. Tears no longer falling down my face, I was frozen. I wasn't even breathing, he just kept coming toward me. Eventually I backed into the wall. He was inches from my face, looking at me with a serious face.

"What is going on Lucy? Tell me everything, I want to know." I bit my lip avoiding his eyes.

"Dally, I'm…"

"Say it" he whispered wanting me to admit something I never would out loud. "Admit it."

"I'm not okay." Dally put his hand on my cheek.

"I know baby." ripped his hand off my face without a word, but he just put the other one on my other cheek.

"Talk to me Lucy."

"What do you want me to say?"

"Everything that's going on in your head." I shook my head feeling a tear stain my cheek once more. He brushed it away.

"Tell me what's with all the tears. I've never seen you so….." he trailed off.

"Broken." I finished for him. He nodded and guided me over to the bed but I wouldn't sit on it. Dallas looked at me funny and asked me to sit with him. Shaking my head I moved further away from the bed, knowing they had been on it.

"Why not?" not being able to control me emotions I started choking as I cried. He rushed over to me in an instant.

"What did I do?" he mumbled to himself more than to me.

I felt my stomach lurch and acid coming into my throat again. What is wrong with me!? Running for the door I crushed into the toilet and spat out the acid. That's all it was, was water. There was absolutely nothing in my stomach, and the weakness was taking effect on my body.

"Dally…." I spoke to him in the toilet as he came up behind me. "Get me some water or something. I'm dehydrated."

A minute later Dally entered with a cup of cold water. Only to find me face first on one the floor, passed out.


	22. Everything

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is umm mine :D

Everyone, thank you for being honest with your reviews. You opinion matters to me and I appreciate every single comment that is given to me so thanks for being supports. I hope you find this chapter to your liking.

Sorry there is a lot of cursing, Dally is a potty mouth. XD

* * *

**Living For**

_Everything_

_**(Dally's POV)**_

"Dally….." her voice was weak and unfamiliar. "Get me some water or something. I'm dehydrated."

Without question I left at a fast pace. Passing a passed out Buck on the couch in the kitchen, don't ask me why he has one in there, I got the cup of water. Climbing up the stairs my heart was racing, like it would if I was about ready to fight or participate in a rumble. When I entered the bathroom she was laying on the ground, she looked almost dead.

Setting the water on the counter I flushed the toilet. After whipping my girl's mouth I picked her up and carried her into my room. Placing her on the bed I sat over her looking at her frail body. Even in her sleep she was shaking, and I couldn't do anything for her. I could take her to the hospital, but what would that do. That would just get the social worker involved and she would get taken away from me, I mean us.

My girl is sick. Inside and out. She thinks I don't know but I know, better than she thinks. I may not know everything but I fucking know when my girl is not alright. Lucy Curtis is one person that I know, one person that I know I love. Me being who I am, I don't love a lot of things. I love fights. Fights are a rush. I love Johnnycakes, he is my younger brother. I'd do anything for that kid. He deserves a lot better than what he's got. Just like Lucy.

All this shit that's been happening to her and the Curtis family. It's unreal and unfair. Even a hood like me knows when things are fucked up. I want to help her. I want to save her and be her hero. I want to give all I have to her and only to her but I can't. I wont. I'd hurt her, that is the last thing that I want to do. The other day was a mistake on my part, I almost let it slip that I wanted to be with her. Good thing she was stressed about the social worker to the point that she had become dense.

I'm to hard for her, I'm hard as steel. She is little, innocent, Lucy Lou Curtis. Me, Dallas Winston, king of all greasers, hood above every hood, reckless and dangerous. Could we ever be together? It would be impossible. I do love her though. More than any broad I've ever had. Like Trish, she's just dog shit in the sand compared to my girl. Last night, we didn't even do anything. She passed out before we got to the good part, dumb bitch.

My girl wouldn't leave me hanging like that. She would force herself awake if that meant it made me happy. I knew she would. That's what I love about her, she puts herself out there for others. Lucy has passionate fire in those silver eyes of hers. That flame is being put to rest. All the shit that is going on inside her head is putting out the passion. Burning out the heart and soul of my girl.

She just rolled over on her side, curling up in a ball. Just like she always has. I scooted her small body over and laid next to her over the covers. At that moment I wish I hadn't because I wanted to sling my arm around her waist. To pull her close to my body and keep her warm. To make my girl feel safe. Hold her close to me and take in her scent. Smell her silver, brown hair. Caress her soft, pale cheek. I didn't do any of that though. Turning on my side I dozed off to find that she was still asleep when I woke up.

She was cuddled up next to my face. Her forehead resting on my shoulder. My girl must have been cold because she was really close to me. Even though she was under the covers she was clinging to me. Reaching my head down I kissed her forehead. My lips stayed on her skin for a while longer than I would if she was awake. Pulling away I looked at the clock, four-o-three.

Getting off the bed I walked out of the room to call someone. As much as I wanted to keep her here for myself, I'm sure her brothers are throwing a fit. If they even know that she is gone. Yesterday Johnny said that she was throwing up and was sleeping all day when I mentioned going to see her. I guess she hasn't gotten over it. As I strolled into the living room I picked up the phone and dialed the Curtis's number. Or the number I think is their number.

"Hello?" Ponyboy's voice was rushed as though he was waiting for the phone to ring.

"Ponyboy, it's Dally." I heard him sigh loudly.

"Oh, well can't talk right now Dal, Lucy is…."

"With me." interrupting him I told him.

"What?….Oh that's good. Hey guys, she's with Dal." Pony said pulling the phone away from his ear. His voice was muffled as he told who ever was there the whereabouts of his sister.

"Darry wants to talk to you." he told me. I heard a few shuffling sounds and Darry's booming voice came through the phone.

"Dal, she okay?"

"Yeah, she fell asleep just a bit ago." if I told him she passed out he would be over here yelling at me and I don't need that. "Got sick before that though." I'm not a complete asshole, I can tell the truth.

"I'll be over to get her in a few…"

"Dar, lets just let her sleep. She really needs the rest. I'll make sure she gets fed and taken care of. I don't think she's eaten for a few days."

"No I don't think so either. If you could try and help her Dal that could be great. Get her back to normal, fix her up." we were silent for a few minutes after I nodded into the phone.

"I know more than you think Dallas."

"What do you mean?" what the fuck was he talking about.

"You and Lucy are closer than you show. The both of you have been best friends since before Mom and Dad passed. If you can help her Dally, than help her." Darry sounded completely serious.

"How did you know?"

"Caught her sneaking out last year. Told me she was headed for Natalia's, I didn't by it. Really it was an educated guess that she was partying with you that night."

Darry seemed really cool with the fact that his baby sister snuck out of the house to see a hood. I'm sure he wouldn't be so chill if I told him I had feelings for her. Or that we partied all night together. Or that I've hit her before. Well not on purpose but I have and he would skin me alive.

"I'll try my best Darry. Later, I'll make sure that she gets home. If not tonight, than tomorrow."

"If she is still asleep tonight, call me."

"Sure thing Dar." the two of us mumbled goodbyes.

The next thing I did was walk into the kitchen to gather some foods that she would like, foods that I knew she enjoyed. I want my girl to be comfortable while with me. Give her something familiar. With snacks in hand I climbed the stairs. Pushing the door open with my bare foot I entered the room. Closing the door behind me I looked over at my girl, her eyes were tiredly opened as she laid in my bed. Her right hand brought up to the pillow, she was staring off into space. My girl's eyes glanced at me, she had no expression. Walking over to the bed I laid down next to her again. She mouthed the word hi, and I smiled at her.

"Sleep good? How are you feeling?"

"Better but not." wow, I'm impressed. She didn't lie.

"I brought you some food, you need to get something." she cringed at the mention of food. When I pulled the Cracker Jacks and Pepsi in her line of vision she smirked a little.

"Wow Dal, you really know how to charm a girl." she said rasping out a chuckle. She did seem better than she did hours ago.

"Dally, what do you think of me?" I was stunned by the sudden question. I'm not sure what her expression was, I was too shocked. What was I to say? You're my best friend? I love you? Be my girl?

"You know what I think of you, why?" good thinking Dal.

"I…I don't know." She was staring at my chest or neck or something.

"You're sending me mixed signals." what? Damn, maybe she wasn't as dense that day as I thought.

"What are you talking about?"

"One minute you act so affectionate with me, than the next I find you in bed with some broad." where is this coming from? I felt the need to yell but threw the shit out the window, my girl shouldn't get all juiced up. She should be relaxing, and shouldn't yell. If I start to I know for a fact that she will.

"I act affectionate because you're my best friend. As for the girl, she was just sleeping over, we didn't so anything." that wasn't a lie, it was the truth. The answer I gave was correct, even if there was another that was more right.

"I'm sorry for acting like this, I just been thinking."

"Thinking? That's not a good sign." I said making her smile.

"That a girl." I told her as I made her sit up. Opening the Pepsi I handed it to her.

"Drink." ordering her, I opened my own bottle. Taking a large gulp, I looked back at her. She was cradling the bottle in between her legs as she sat with them crossed. Her fingers traced the rim of the bottle as she stared down at it. After swallowing hard her brought the drink up to her lips and took a small sip. Frowning she took another sip and placed in neatly between her legs again.

"You ready to talk?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't tell you everything, even though I want to." taking a sip of her drink she looked over at me sadly.

"You can tell me anything, always." I told her with a gruff voice of saying it was a stupid response. She should know that I want to help her, she should know that I care about you.

Sighing she took another sip of Pepsi. The first thing she began with was that it was day forty three. Giving her a questioningly looked I took a gulp of Pepsi. She told me it had been forty three days since her parents died. Nodding stupidly I moved in a more comfortable position, hoping she would continue. She told me about her counting and that she didn't like it but couldn't stop. Than Lucy talked about her mixed up feelings for everyone and everything. Said she was so mixed up in the head that her stomach had gotten fucked up along with it. Told me how she feels sick every time she's around food.

She told me that her throwing up was a response of her being stressed. Saying that when everything adds up, she wanted to die. When I was about to say something she motioned for me to be quiet. Perhaps I should wait until the end, my girl needs to get everything out. Her eyes were focused on the bottle in-between her legs. Lucy mumbled that she was going to tell me everything, whatever popped into her head she would tell me. Even if it was out of this world crazy, she would tell me. Even if her head told her not to, she would tell me. Then she told me that some things will shock me and possibly make me ashamed to be her friend. I told her that would never happen. My girl made me promise that whatever she said would be kept strictly between the both of us. That if I told anyone that she would never talk to me again.

After convincing her that I would never do that to her she began to tell me about everything. Told me about Natalia leaving today. Now that even made me sad. Not only was Natalia a tuff chick but the face Lucy made, caused my heart to sink. I hate seeing my girl upset. Ugh, I gotta stop calling her that. She will never be my girl. Finishing the Pepsi I lit a cigarette and listened to her intently. She told me how that day she ran away from Two-bit and found me in bed with Trish. Her face was scornful as she spoke of it. Then she muttered that she was jealous, but I didn't ask her about it because I knew she wasn't near to being done with telling me everything.

She told me that her and Will had broken up a while ago. At first she didn't want to mention why but eventually spit out that he wanted a more "personal" relationship. It made me want to jump out the window and kill the guy myself. Strangle the shit out of that guy, no one tries anything like that with Lucy. Dick head! Lucy said she didn't care about him anymore than she cared about the last shit she took. That is probably the least lady like thing she has ever said but it made me laugh. After shutting up my chuckles she told me how stressed she was about gymnastics. How she wanted to do it but didn't see it ever happening.

The social worker was the next subject. Telling me that she hated that women more than any human being has ever hated a human being in the history of the world. More than any soc or any greaser she has ever laid eyes on. Lucy told me she wouldn't allow herself to be taken away. If they didn't want her with her brothers than she wouldn't be with anybody. She would run away before she would ever go in any girls home or get adopted by another fucked up family. Said she loved her own fucked up family and didn't want it to change, except for the fact that her parents were dead.

My girl told me again that it was day forty three. Mentioned how everyone was leaving her. Said even I was leaving her. Told me how her Mom died thinking that she hated her. And that was why she had died was because she wasn't good to her as she should have been. That I didn't understand but I didn't question her. I'm surprised she hasn't started to cry yet. All the things she was telling me made my heart cringe. Made my muscles tighten. Making my mind and body tense with every word. Taking me to a state of mind that I don't normally go to, protective mode.

I want to protect her from all of this shit. To save her from every single little fucking germ of this world. Germ as in stressful situations and annoying people who don't know anything about anything. She looked like she was going to cry, like she wanted to but fought back the need. My girl is strong even when it comes to the shit. I'm sure if she looked at me or allowed herself to she would be broken down in tears by now.

Lucy told me how she felt about her parents death. That she felt she should die instead because she is such a horrible person. She explained how she didn't think that would be fair to her parents if she died while they were alive too, because she wouldn't want them to feel the way she does. So alone and depressed but most of all lost. Fucked up, Is how she put it. My girl took a sip of Pepsi and made a face at the bottle. Handing it to me as I threw my cigarette butt on the floor after grinding it into the wall, she stood up. She told me to close my eyes so I did. The next thing I see is her in a pair of shorts that I never wear.

The two of us sat side by side, each facing a different direction. We stared at each other with our heads turned to each other. She was looking from my eyes to my neck again, or my chest, I have no idea. Then she looked down at her legs and cringed at them. Was she going to talk about her getting stabbed? How that made her feel?

My girl told me about her being stabbed and how it was completely worth it to know her friends were safe. Even though she killed a guy, she didn't care and sometimes felt bad for not caring. She mentioned the nurse she met on her last day at the hospital. Told me her name was Donna but her friends called her Dolly. Said how nice she was and told me about her sister who was killed by the man she killed. Lucy looked down at her legs again with that same scornful expression.

Then she told me about the first time she cut her own flesh. The message she wrote to her parents. How insane she was for doing anything like that. That she knew she had done wrong and didn't want to do it. She is just so messed up in the head she told me. My girl harmed herself more than once. I got a sick feeling in my stomach when she told me this. How could my girl feel so bad to the point of harming herself? How could I of missed it? I feel like it's partly my fault because I didn't see it and didn't help her.

Setting the Pepsi bottle on the floor I grabbed my girl and moved her to sit in front of me. Her legs stretched out to my left I moved the piece of fabric from her legs. Moving it up so I could examine the cuts. Frowning I brushed my fingers over her healing skin. There I read exactly what she had told me she wrote on her leg. I asked her if she would do it again. She told me she doesn't want to but she knows that at some point if she doesn't get better she would. At that moment I felt like I needed to say something to make her know I was there for her. To tell her I wouldn't leave her like she thinks I am.

Than out of no where she blurted out that she liked me. I asked her to repeat herself. "I like you more than I say."

"What? Umm…." Lucy explained that she had mentioned just about everything. My girl looked a hell of a lot better than she did. Like a heavy weight had been lifted off her shoulders and it made me feel better too. Even if everything she told me was positively the saddest things I had ever heard in my life. More sad than all the shit I've been through, for sure. But that last part baffled me the most. How could she like me? That is impossible.

"Any questions?" she asked as I grabbed the Pepsi on the ground and forced her to sip on it some more.

"A few…" I said thinking back to everything she said. "One, do you feel better?"

"A bit but now I feel nervous and scared."

"Why?"

"Not sure what your thinking."

"Oh. Number two, is Natalia coming back?" she sipped on the Pepsi and had a pained expression.

"No, not that I know of."

"Did you go all the way with Will?" even though I was afraid of the answer I had to ask.

"No." the question of her ever doing it with any guy popped into my head but I pushed that shit away.

"Why did you hurt yourself?"

"No idea, just happened that way. I can't explain. It felt relaxing at first, like a distraction to the mental pain." I'm no doctor so I wont understand that. Or the counting, but I do know how I feel. And since she just told me her whole world I think I should try and voice some of my feelings just to be fair.

I told her that even though her parents are gone they still love her. They would be crushed if they were alive knowing their daughter harmed herself. She told me she knew that. So I told her that they didn't choose to leave her. Than I got in her face, real close and told her that I will never and would never leave her. Than I asked her more about her liking me. Lucy plaid with her fingers the entire time. Telling me nothing in detail or explaining anything. I told her to calm down because I had some of the same feelings.

At first the comment was coming out just to give her comfort. Even though it was the truth, I wasn't thinking when I said it. Her eyes got big and looked straight into my eyes for the first time in a while. My girl stared open mouthed at me like I had just grown an extra arm and was chewing on it. I regretted saying it but than was glad because I had finally said it. But things will be hard if things progress. Oh lord, this is all my fault.

"But what about that girl?"

"I told you she just slept in the bed, she means nothing to me. Never will." swallowing hard she took a sip of Pepsi to compose her shocked self.

"Ya okay?"

"Yeah I'm just…surprised."

"Me too." we were quiet for a few minute, just taking in all that was said.


	23. It's Good To Be In Love

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is umm mine :D

Everyone, thank you for being honest with your reviews. You opinion matters to me and I appreciate every single comment that is given to me so thanks for being supports. I hope you find this chapter to your liking.

Sorry there is a lot of cursing, Dally is a potty mouth. XD

* * *

**Living For**

_It's Good To Be In Love_

_**(Dally's POV)**_

She drank the rest of the Pepsi during those minutes. I was proud of her than I reached down on the floor and grabbed the box of Cracker Jacks. Opening the box while she put the empty bottle on the floor, I put the box so she could grab it. Looking at me questionably she frowned and shook her head. Eating on of the little popcorn pieces I grabbed another out of the box. Shoving it into her hand she let it fall to her lap only to brush it off onto the floor. I scoffed at the food on my floor but ignored it grabbing another piece. Putting it up to her lips I tried to make her eat it.

Lucy just tightened her mouth shut and I whined at her. "You have to eat something Luc."

Slowly, cautiously, hesitatingly she opened her mouth. I popped the popcorn into her mouth and she crunched on it. Throwing another piece in my mouth I smiled. "See, your fine."

Looking my way she stared at my neck or chest….or "What are you looking at?"

"What?" she shot her eyes up at mine.

"What are you looking at? This is the third time you've stared at my neck or something, what are you looking at?"

She chuckled to herself while I ate another Cracker Jack. Once I started forcing another one in her mouth she stopped. "Well."

"What is it?" I asked.

"I'm looking at your…." her cheeks burned with a flush red. Finally some color in her face other than gray. "Collarbone."

At first I just looked at her, she was fucking blushing like crazy. Throwing my head back I laughed wholeheartedly. "Really?"

"Yeah." after looked down at my collarbone I shoved another piece of popcorn in her mouth. For the first time she didn't make a face which made me happy. She leaned her head down to the side and rested it on my shoulder. We were sitting side by side now, leaning on the wall.

"We are so strange." she muttered to herself with an amused voice.

"Yes we are." I agreed placing my head on hers as I gave her two pieces at the same time. She munched on those, I could feel her temple against my shoulder move as she chewed.

"I called your brother earlier." she groaned and took her head off my shoulder.

"Why would you go and do that?"

"They needed to know where you were. But stop your complaining because I told Dar that you would stay here with me until you woke up." I ate some more Cracker Jacks.

"If you want you can stay here tonight." I offered.

"I'd really like that." she gave me a smile. One of those smiles that I remember seeing when we were little. The innocent, loving, caring grins that light up rooms and make people live better just because of the smile.

The two of us at the rest of our snack and I told her I was proud she ate. Then I made sure she was okay and I didn't feel sick. My girl leaned into my shoulder again and told me she feel a lot better. Feeling satisfied with myself I made a bold move and slowly crept my fingers into hers. Our hands were entwined as we sat. Both feeling content and happy with our positions. I know I did. Even though I am cautious about this, I still want to try it out because she confirmed that she liked me.

Her other hand was on my arm and was rubbing it affectionately with her thumb. She told me she had to go to the bathroom so we pulled apart and she walked out of my room. Once she shut the bathroom door in the hall I got up and followed her. Making sure she didn't get sick. No sign of her vomiting so I laid down in my bed. When she entered again she closed the door before coming over to me. She was still wearing my old shorts. My girl looked a hell of a lot better in them than I did.

In the bathroom she must of spruced herself up because her messy bun was now a pony tail. Her face looked better, more color than before. Even though she was still deathly pale she looked A LOT better. She must be feeling better because she smiled sweetly at me as she climbed under the covers next to me. Lucy curled up in a ball and squished up against me for warmth. Her head was tucked into the pillow while I laid my head on my arm. I felt the cool air from her breathing on my skin even though she wasn't that close to it. The sensation shot down my spine causing me to shiver.

"Aren't you cold?" she asked opening her eyes after closing them..

"Nope." I was going to say I could never be cold around you but didn't. If it was anyone else I would have. Just a comment to get things heated up. To move things along. One of those pointless pickup lines for broads like Trish or anyone else I've said that to.

"Oh." was all she said. Closing her eyes she began to hum. I love it when she hums, or sings. Now that I think of it the last time I heard her sing was over seven months ago. I would of asked her to sing but I'm pretty content with listening to her milky and soothing droning noise. Eventually I closed my eyes too but than realizing I should call Darry before I fall off to sleep.

"Be right back." climbing over her I left out of the room. Barefoot I pitter pattered down the steps. Picking up the phone I wasted no time to dial their number.

"Heeello?"

"Sodapop, its Dal. Tell Darry that Lucy is still asleep and I'll keep her here for the night."

"Okay.' there was a pause. "Darry wants to know what is going to happen with school tomorrow?"

"If the girl feels like going and is awake I'll take her. If not than I'll bring her home." there was another pause.

"You at Buck's?"

"Yeah."

"Is there a party tonight?"

"Sodapop, its Monday night." I chuckled at him.

"Thanks a lot Dal. Keep her safe."

"Sure thing pal." hanging up with Soda I climbed up the stairs, ignoring Buck's voice calling for me. Once in the room I noticed that my girl was fast asleep in my bed. This time I curled up right next to her, but hesitated to sling my arm around her waist. I ended up not doing it, I lost my balls.

That's okay, I still was close to her. I could feel her breathing up and down next to me. Her back going in and out from my chest. Sighing happily like a little girl I closed my eyes. Even though I was being stupid and childish I didn't give a fuck. The only person that ever makes me soften up is my girl. She makes me mushy even though I'm hard as steel. And she is the only one that ever gets to see that mushy, creamy inside I have under all that steel. Listening to her breathing I fell into a calm sleep, knowing my girl was safe right next to me.

_**(Lucy's POV)**_

Hmm, I'm so warm. It's so comfy, I haven't felt this warm and relaxed in such a long time. Dally just left the room, boy did I have a strange day. I went from vomiting and crying to feeling safe in this bliss Dal has formed around me. He's taken care of me. Made me eat even though I didn't feel the need to. He's brought me back to life today, I hope it lasts. Its amazing how some people can do that sort of thing for you.

I still can't believe I told him everything. Even the cutting, and he didn't run away. He seemed worried and confused but he didn't leave me. Dally did the complete opposite. One thing I still can't get over is what he said about the feelings. 'Don't worry about it Luc, I've sort of the same feelings.' Dal could of meant something else but after that he seemed to relax more. We even held hands, holy turkey legs! What are we now? I have no clue what to do next.

Dally just entered the room again. I heard him creep over to the bed, he must think I'm asleep if he is trying to be quiet. He scooted up close to me when he laid down. At first he seemed tense but than relaxed after a moment with a sigh. Boy did I want to turn around and kiss him right than. After a few minutes of laying there I turned around and saw that Dally was asleep. I scooted closer to him and closed my eyes again, falling into an amazing sleep.

***

The next time I woke up it was dark outside, the clock on the wall read eight seventeen. Careful not to wake Dally I slid to the end of the bed and got off it. With the part of the blanket Dal wasn't laying on I placed it over him. Silently I left the room and headed for the bathroom. After going to the bathroom I looked myself over. I'm looking better every time I come in here. I still look like shit but shit is better than completely fucked up. My skin is pale but not gray and my silver eyes are brighter. The bags under my eyes have dimmed to a light greenish gray. But I still looked really skinny and sickly. Drying my hands I messed around with the cabinets. There were cleaning supplies, towels and soap. Buck must sell bathroom supplies too. With a chuckle I moved up to the medicine cabinet. There were first aid supplies and toothpaste and about five un opened toothbrushes.

After a moment of hesitation I took one of the toothbrushes and caked it with toothpaste. Shoving the peppermint flavored gob of paste in my mouth I scrubbed like I hadn't brushed in years. It felt nice on my teeth, after five minutes and forty four seconds I spit. With my hands I filled my mouth with water and swished it around. Spitting again I dabbed my face dry and exited the bathroom with my purple toothbrush in hand. As I got into Dal's room he was still sound asleep only now was stretched across the bed in a manner that made me laugh. Walking over to the window I opened it and let in a little cold air before I lit a cigarette from the pack on the floor.

Breathing in the cancer I sighed relaxing just a little bit more. Flicking some ashes out the window I thought about tomorrow. Tomorrow I should go to school since I missed today. Even though I really don't want to go I should. Jumping off the ground I remembered something terrifying and important, I had to watch Georgia today! FUCK! Maybe Pony watched her for me knowing I was sick, or maybe Darry canceled for me. I don't want to find out but I do. Sitting back on the floor I took a drag to calm myself. Dally just rolled over and is sleepily looked at me.

He gave me a strange look and slid off the bed sitting next to me. "Smoking without me?" I chuckled at him.

"You know it." than he took the cig from me and took a drag.

"I don't think you should be smoking, at least not now." inhaling than exhaling he said to me with disheveled hair. I wanted to put my fingers through it.

"And you should eat something." flicking the cancer stick out the window half smoked he stood up. It's not like him to waste a perfectly good cigarette. I decided I didn't want to scold him about it since I was in a good mood. Lacing my hand in his he pulled me up and guided me to the door. He let go of my hand and placed it on my back. Walking down the stairs we entered the poker room/ bar and then got to the kitchen. I didn't want to eat but if I said anything I knew I would get yelled at.

"What do you wanna have?" he asked me smiling and going over to the icebox. I'm glad no one is around because I don't think he would act like this if there was people around. I went up behind him and played with his fingers behind his back. I'm not sure where my courage came from but I was flirting with him. The two of us are in good moods, a rare occasion in and of it's self. Of course I'm going to use this to my advantage, besides what should I be afraid of now that everything else has gone wrong in my life. What do I have to loss?

He shut the door to the fridge and leaned into me and my hands. I could feel the smirk on his face even though I couldn't see it. "I could make you a sandwich?" I offered.

"You could make us a sandwich." he said turning around with the smirk I knew he had.

"Okay." I whispered with a smile and grabbed all the meat and cheese out of the icebox. Also collecting salt, pepper, lettuce, mayo and bread. Putting it on the counter I grabbed a knife while he grabbed a plate.

Putting two slices of bread on the plate I started to smear mayo on the first piece of bread. To my surprise Dally came up behind me and was leaning his body on mine. His hands traced my arms and went up to my shoulders. I jumped a little at the close quarters but relaxed my body into his. He removed stray hairs that had fallen out of my pony tail off my neck. Dally laid his forehead against my left shoulder.

Smiling to myself I put mayo on the two pieces of bread. On once slice I sprinkled salt, the other pepper. Lettuce, roast beef and turkey slices were piled on to the cheese. Putting the top piece of bread on I looked at my work and it looked tasty even if I wasn't hungry. Setting the knife down I pulled away from Dally and put all the food back in its original place. Grabbing the last Pepsi for Dally I closed the fridge door. Right as I turned around Dally was standing there with that smirk still. I smirked back and walked over to grab the plate to head up stairs. Just as I went to take it Dally came up behind me again and took my hands off the plate gently.

With the knife that I left on the counter he cut the sandwich in four triangles. I turned around to look at him. His arms were leaning on the counter top on each side of me. As though to trap me in case I was to try and run away. I put my hands on his hands and traced up his arms to his neck. With my left hand I cupped the side of his neck and with the right I trailed my fingers up to his ear. He closed his eyes for a moment, shutting them tight than looking at me again. Standing on my toes I slid my fingers from his ear to his temple down his jaw. I felt it clench against my finger tips as I went down to his lips. He grabbed my hand just like he had the last time I did that.

"Don't."

"Why?" he smirked at me but didn't answer me. He just grabbed the plate behind my back and took the Pepsi from my hand.

The two of us climbed up the stairs only to find Buck coming from his room. His eyes went big as he looked in between the two of us. "Umm…"

"Shut up Buck." Dally said never stopping on the way to his room. I waved to Buck as Dally stood by his door waiting for me. Going into the room Dallas shut the door. We went over to the bed and sat cross legged. He sat the plate down in-between us as we faced each other. He opened the Pepsi and took a large swig before handing it to me. I placed it in-between my legs and sat there. Looking up at him he was giving me a death glare.

"What?"

"You know what." as he said that I grunted and took a sip of the Pepsi causing his face to soften. Grabbing a triangle he took a bit of it and motioned with his head for me to do the same. I frowned groaning at him making him to give me the glare again but I didn't grab on.

Dally moved the plate to the floor and put the triangle in his lips to hold it. With his large hands he grabbed my knees and pulled me close to him. Our knees touched and he leaned forward looking me in the eyes. Taking a bit of the sandwich triangle there was only a small half of it. He put it up to my lips and gave me a glaring but pleading look. Swallowing hard I slowly opened my lips. He popped the sandwich in my mouth I munched on it frowning. He bend down and handed me a triangle while he chewed on his own. When I was down eating that piece I stared at the new one.

He grabbed my wrist and brought the sandwich that was in my hand up to my face, silently telling me to eat it. It was near my lips but I didn't take a bit looking into Dally's eyes I told him I wasn't hungry. Shaking his head he shoved the sandwich onto my face, I took a bite. I ate the last piece of the triangle as he handed me the last triangle. I shoved it back towards him telling him to eat it. He grabbed it and put it to my lips again. I feel like such a baby.

"Stop treating me like a baby." I told him handing him the Pepsi and taking a bit of the sandwich.

"I wouldn't have to if you would just eat." he said taking a chug of soda. He handed it back to me ordering that I drink the rest of it. And I did. Without another complaint I ate the rest of the triangle and Pepsi. When I threw the bottle in the corner not really caring because his room was already a mess.

"How are you feeling?" he asked me.

"Much better than this morning." Dally smiled happily satisfied with himself. I was happy too so I smiled back at him. It was the truth I do feel better. Mind and body, I even feel some of my strength returning. The smile that was on Dally's face turned into a smirk and he was staring at me. Than he shook his head and that's when I noticed his hand was on my calf. Caressing it with his thumb while I looked at it.

"I'm glad your better." he whispered in an affectionate voice.

"Me too." I whispered back. When I looked up at his face his lips looked extra inviting. After a moment of giggling to myself in my head I trailed up his arms with my hand and made it to his lips again. He pulled away with a playful smirk across his face.

"I told you not to do that." I smirked back and leaned farther to touch his lips. Giggling while I did so he tried pulling away. Eventually he was backed up into the wall and was trapped. He was playfully chuckling at me as he grabbed my hands so I could tough his lips. Poor Dally was having no luck with that because I was determined to slid my fingers over his beautiful, luscious, lips.

He than tried to pull me off of him by pushing me away with his hands on my waist. Laughing harder because that tickled I fell limp and rolled over next to him. For a moment the two of us just laughed to ourselves. Than we caught each others eyes and we beamed at each other.

"Dal, why can't I touch your lips?" the question was innocent and curious.

"Because I like it." he mumbled looking away from me. I giggled at him and sat on my knees getting in his face.

"So." he half smiled at me.

"But I shouldn't like it." I looked at him questioningly.

"Lucy we can't do this." his words cut me deeper than any switchblade could have. My heart sank and I back into the ball way from him, not making eye contact.

"Aw…don't make that face Luc. We can't do this because I'll hurt you. I'll change you, I'm no good. I'm no good for you." What was he talking about? He is better for me than I am for myself.

"You're hurting me now." when I looked over at Dally's face he looked pained, torn between to evils in his eyes.

"Dallas. Look at me." he did as told as I moved closer and cupped his face in my hands. "You are good! You hear me."

He shook his head closing his eyes. "And I need you."

"I need you too but I don't…." I cut him off.

"You wont." Dal slid his hand over mine and tangled our fingers together.

"So you want to be my girl?" I smiled sweetly at him and nodded.

"And you're my man." whispering more to myself than him. He chuckled and smiled but than looked forward with the same pained expression.

"Dal you wont hurt me." telling him the truth but he still wasn't convinced.

"I'll make you a deal." I smiled making him look at me. "If you hurt me I'll allow my brothers to kill you."

He chuckled. "If I do hurt you, I'd just have to let them."

After a moment of staring at our hands he suddenly turned his body. "Are you sure about this?" he asked still looking worried.

"More than anything in the whole world." Dally smiled at me but than frowned.

"Lets keep this between us for a while, not tell you brothers or the gang." I nodded know that the both of us would get chewed out, especially Dally."Now you have to make me a promise." he told me rubbing my leg with his free hand.

"Anything." I would promise him anything.

"If you ever feel alone or feel like hurting yourself again, you tell me. You come find me, you dig?"

"I dig, but what if…"

"Whatever the situation, you come to me. That is unless your brothers know, go to them."

"I wont ever tell them." I scoffed at my leg.

"Lucy don't be mad at yourself. We all do stupid things that don't make sense." he told me pulling my chin up to look at him. "Take me for example, I get in fights for no reason."

I giggled at him. "I like your laugh." he told me.

"I like you." I told him. Is it just me or is this like one of those cheesy, romance flicks at the Nightly Double? I love cheesy romance, especially when its with someone I really like. The next thing I realized Dally leaned his forehead against mine. His eyes were closed. "What are you doin to me girl?" he mumbled.

"Nothing that I'm aware of." I giggled in his face causing him to laugh back. This night is complete and utter bliss. Well I guess the old saying is right, things have to get way worse before they can get better. I'm just glad I have Dally with me now.


	24. Perfect Form

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is umm mine :D

Time changes in this chapter, meaning it's moved forward A LOT. So just wanted you to know. Kinda slow chapter but bare with me, next will speed up

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**Living For**

_Perfect Form_

"Drink this, it will make you feel better. Have some spaghetti too." Darry ordered handing me a cup of….I have no idea. Something light orange and lumpy.

"I'm so nervous, I feel like I'm going to vomit." wining I scooted my plate of pasta away from me. I looked at my brothers eat like men, grossly. They were all eating full plates of spaghetti and meatballs, Darry style.

"You are going to do great, stop your fussing." Soda told me gulping down food and chocolate milk at the same time. Like I said, gross.

"How can you be so sure? I've only been training for a month, I don't think I can do this." I told them shaking my head.

"Luc, I've seen you. You're going to blow those other girls away. You've only been training for a month but you've don't the tricks most of your life. Don't worry so much." Ponyboy said with a reassuring grin and a pat on my shoulder. Glancing at the clock I sighed, only one hour until the last day of tryouts.

Yesterday was the first and boy was it nerve racking. Not nearly as nerve racking as today though. The tryouts yesterday were early in the morning so I didn't really pay attention to being nervous. Today is different because everyone is giving their individual performances on the equipment. The first day was the coaches introductions, rules and examining of everyone. They checked everyone's; stamina, strength, flexibility and grace. They had us do floor work; meaning handstands, back flips, toe touches, hand springs, etcetera. We also showed them some stuff on the trampoline, but that stuff is easy if you know how to do it. Tonight I have to work with the uneven bars, the balance beam, vault.

For the last month I've done nothing but train for gymnastics. Everyday I've gone to the old gym to practice all my old tricks. Even taking Georgia sometimes, she enjoyed watching me fall on my ass. Hopefully all this preparation will be enough to make the team. I'm determined to make it for my Mother and for myself. She's been dead along with my Father for eighty four days. Even though I miss them so much I had to push them aside, I don't speak of them with anyone. It is to upsetting, so I hardly talk about them anymore. They know I love them even though I had to do this. I still write to Mom, almost everyday. I've already been through two notebooks and am on my third, I started it three days ago.

"Lucy eat, it will give you strength. Come on girl, we just got you eating again." Darry told me eating some garlic bread. He is right, taking a bite I sigh nervously to myself. My eating habits are normal again, for the most part. I eat six small meals a day instead of three large. It helps with my stomach and coping through my loss of appetite. I still throw up though, just not as often. Darry wants to take me to the doctor but we don't have the money for it.

I ate most of the spaghetti in front of me, minus the meatballs. Getting up I drank whatever Darry gave me in a few gulps with a disgusted face. "What is that Darry?""Dad used to make it for me before every game, I know it's horrible but it will help." he told me standing up with me.

"Gross, but thanks. I'm going to get dress and try not to throw up." in a quick pace I went to my room and shut the door behind me. After writing a quick note to Mom, telling her how fucking nervous I was, I got dressed.

Slipping into my black leotard, I shook off the nerves by humming. It didn't help as much as I'd hopped but I hummed anyway. The leotard had a green stripe down the center of it. It was the only one that I could afford with the money I got from babysitting. Now I save half of the money and give the other half to Darry, he still doesn't know. I've already saved up eighty bucks, I had more but lost it by lending it to Pony and Johnny. Sliding on some black shorts I continued to hum until there was a knock on my door. Soda poked his head in.

"Ready to go?" I started to rush a little even though I had plenty of time. Slipping my converse on in a hysterical rush I receive a laugh from Soda. Than I jogged out of my room to the bathroom. Brushing my hair out I put it up in a neat, organized pony tail. Than I left the bathroom to find that all three of my brothers were standing with their coats on, along with Johnny.

"Are you all coming?" they all nodded and I sighed as Darry tossed me a coat.

"Pants?" he asked as we went out the door.

"Shorts are fine, I wont be outside for long." We all shuffled into the truck, me sitting on Soda's lap. I was bouncing up and down while playing with my fingers.

"Luc just relax, take nice long breaths." Taking in gusts of air with my twin we rode to the gymnasium. Things have somewhat changed in the last month, I know in ways I have changed.

I'm in ways pretty much back to normal. Every day is still as tough as the next though. Getting up everyday is just as hard as it was a month ago. For the first time since I've entered high school I'm on A and B honor roll. Everyone is really proud of me, mainly my brothers. They haven't changed that much except for a few things.

Like Ponyboy, he has become more independent and lot less whiny. My baby brother is growing up faster than expected. My twin is still happy go lucky as usual, he's dating some new chick now. Sandy I think her name is, he hasn't brought her over yet but he said she's a real catch. Evie, Steve girl, set the two of them up. Darry is working harder than ever, if it weren't for my bossy ways he would never rest. Every few days I make it a point to thank him for being him. I don't know what we would all do without Dar, he is the leader after all. Although in the last months he has gotten more on edge, more grumpy. We don't blame him for being that way but sometimes he really just needs to chill out and calm the hell down.

As for the gang things are normal besides a few faults. Like Johnny, his parents are still assholes and crashes at our house almost three times a week now. I've patched him up more than I remember having to before because Mom used to do that. He always politely thanks me, I tell him that's why I'm there. Two-bit is still a goof ball and I still love the heck out of him. He has been a great help to me the last month. For awhile he was the only one that didn't watch me like a hawk or make excuses to check on me. Two-y has been there just to make me laugh and relax. And for that I am grateful in so many ways.

Steve is same old Steve, always ranting about something or another. He comes to me a lot more than he used to, mostly about Evie. Always asking me advice about what kind of flower to buy her or what place he should take her to eat. They've broken up a few times and he's acted all tough like a guy would. But inside I know that he was crushed and I think that's why he comes to me, because he knows I know him. The two of them are happily together again and are always double dating with Sod and Sandy.

Georgia is a part of the gang now, she practically is my little sister. I see her all the time and absolutely adore her. She is another thing that has helped me cope. That little bungle of seven year old power is a wonderful distraction. I'm pretty sure if her Mom stopped paying me I wouldn't care, I would just hang with her anyway. All the guys love her too, always teaching her something new. I've gotten good at catching them swearing in front of her and have punished them with a smack in the head. None of them swear around her anymore which makes me think of Mom's old saying. Men are the head of the household, but women are the neck and can turn the head however she wants.

Tim shows up at the house every once in a while now. Reading the paper on the couch when I wake up usually. He doesn't say much, just thanks us for letting him use the couch and then leaves. I'm not sure what it's all about but it's nice to see him every once in a while. Now that I kind of think about it, I always bump into his gang more often. Oh well, weird coincidence I guess.

Julie still hasn't gotten me back for what I did to her hair. But her and Brian still threaten me, everyday in fact. One time she started talking about my parents again and if it wasn't for Steve who stepped in front of her, she would of died. I've learned to drone her out permanently now, Brian also. Things have changed around school though, I'm a little more social than I used to be. I still hate the place but I've learned to reason with it. Now I'm just waiting it out until I graduate.

Rocky and I hardly talk anymore since Natalia left. A few weeks ago I got a letter from her, she told me she was in Oregon. Doing well and is a lot better since the last time I saw her. She apologized for leaving so sudden but she didn't really have a choice. But she was glad she was with her mom, traveling was fun she said. My friend also mentioned that if I wanted to write her I could send it to the address she sent from. Her Mom's friend lives in Oregon and they will be there ever few weeks. Kind of like a pit stop in between traveling. Natalia told me that Michael is still roaming the streets but not in Tulsa because they can't find him. It's like he disappeared off the face of the planet. I think he's dead, and I wouldn't give two shits if he was.

The social worker has not come over again but she has called to check up. In nice and intelligent manner I told her to piss off. Well more like telling her we were fine and were in no need of her being up in our face. But still in the most polite terms as possible. She talked to all my brothers on the phone too, making them feel as uncomfortable as possible. When she talked to me she told me that if I didn't straighten up I would be sent away. Her threats are so empty now, she throws them out too often for them to mean anything to me. Rose told me to respect everyone, including her. Which just made me say a quick good bye and hang up the phone. Darry wasn't too happy about the way I behaved but I didn't care. That bitch doesn't deserve the gum off my shoe.

As for the last person, and I really do mean last, Dallas Winston. The biggest asshole on the face of this planet. It has been exactly forty days since I've last seen him. The last time I saw him was the Tuesday after he told me he liked me. After I told him everything, admitted my feelings to him. He was supposed to be my man, but he isn't. That bastard lied to me. Dallas said he would never leave me. That he didn't want to hurt me. Well what do you call this?

Whenever the gang talks about him I just leave the room, not wanting to get involved. The Friday after that day of bliss with him, I heard from Johnny, that heard from Tim that Dally had left town. No one knows why or where, just that he left. We don't even know if he will be back….or if he's safe. He could of told me. Could of warned me. Or he could of never lied to me about his feelings. He should of never told me those things, and get my hopes up. When, or I guess I should say if, he gets back I'm not going to talk to him. I'll try my best to ignore the shit head. I feel so hurt, angry, stupid, childish but most of all embarrassed. How could he lead me on like that? Do I really mean that much to him to be lied to like that? To be played a fool by his hand.

As much as I hate to admit it, he helped me. With all my anger toward him, I had to unleash it somewhere. I focused it in my training, I had the eye of the fucking tiger. Since that day I talked to him I've been more normal. A lot more regular as to eating habits, sleeping routines and over all body. For once, since forever, I don't look like I'm dieing. My skin is a nice healthy pink color. I don't cut anymore either, my legs have healed. Think, pink ugly scars replaced the old cuts. Now that I wear a leotard a lot people have to see my legs. But I being the clever person I am wear a cream over it. It has taken away the puffiness of it so no one really notices it. Unless you are really close to me and are staring, you can't see it at all. Technology now a days, go figure.

We arrived at the gym just twenty minutes before everyone was supposed to be there. My brothers and Johnny all shuffled into the building with me but departed with me to sit in the bleachers. I threw Soda my coat, shorts and shoes right before heading to the floor. There were only five other girls here, and there were twenty two of us trying out. The other girls were talking to each other while absently stretching. Me being who I am didn't bother talking to them, I was to focused.

I brought my left foot up behind me and grabbed it over my head, pulling it into a scorpion pose. Then I did the same with my right foot. As I stretched more girls walked into the gym with their parents. Jeez, I hope I don't look half as nervous as they do. Sliding down to the ground I did the spits and pulled my arms out in front of me. Reaching my hands, my stomach touched the mat and I counted to sixty before sitting up right. Then as I rolled backwards I stood up in a hand stand. Pumping up and down I did pushups, fifteen of them to warm up. Standing up right the couches told us to gather around.

After one last glance at my supporters, who waved and gave thumbs up, I joined the other girls in a pack. We all listened intently as the three coaches talked to us.

"Okay so as you all know there are twenty two of you. The girls team only has ten available spots since the seniors and freshman already have place in six different spots." Milly the first coach explain for the second time in two days.

"We wish you all the best of luck. And try your very best, we want effort out there ladies." Scott, the only male coach, told us with a smile.

"We are going to split you up in different groups. Each group will rotate to each piece of equipment, where one of us will be stationed. We will judge you on your poise, grace, strength and talent. Good luck." I'm not sure what the third coach's name is but she was the leader and the eldest of them all. I respect her, I don't know why. I just get this vibe from her that she is a strong individual that deserves my attention and respect.

They split us up in three different groups. Two groups of seven and one of eight. I was in the group that started off at the uneven bars with Scott. He lined us up starting with the tallest to shortest. "The shortest young lady will be going first." he told us. I have to wait for my turn since I'm on of the tallest in the group, I'm second to last. Sitting down on the mat I glanced over at my brothers and Johnny. They were absently talking as they watched the girls on the balance beam.

Sodapop looked over at me and I gave him a pleading, nervous look. He shook his head smiling placing his hand over his heart. I did the same right before turning around to watch the other girls. We both knew we had said that we loved each other. It was almost my turn now, only Lisa and Madison before me.

When Lisa got up there she didn't stick her landing when she swung off the bar. Madison was next, she looked as nervous as I felt. She circled a few times and did an over the top hand stand. The girl twisted her body perfectly and landed on the mat steadily. Waving her hands in the air Scott wrote down on his clipboard and called me up. Closing my eyes I took in a deep breath as I walked over to the bars.

He told me to begin when ready. Clearing my mind I thought about every single move I was going to perform. Taking a little jog towards the spring board I launched myself at the bar. I repeated what I did in my head as I went along. Straddle vault with repulsion to high bar. Clear hip circle to flight with half turn. Swing forward, counter straddle reverse Hecht over high bar. Two rotations for speed, complete circle. Swing forward with half turn to Salto forward straddled. Swing forward to Pike Salto backwards with half turn. Dismount with under swing with front tuck Salto. Two full turns, stick the landing.

Letting out puffs of air I threw my hands into the air after I stuck the landing. Scott smiled at me, which I returned the gesture, right before he called Bethany up. I could hear my brothers and Johnny cheering as I walked back over to my place in line. That went a lot better than I thought it would, I couldn't shake off the excitement as we moved over to the balance beam, where Milly was. She told us to get a drink of water and than come back over. I jogged the short distance to my supporters.

I was greeted with a giant hug from Sodapop, "I told you." He said.

"Oh my gosh, did that just happen?" I said as I moved over to sit with them. Darry handed me the water bottle.

"Believe it baby girl. That was amazing."

"Thanks, I did that off of memory. I know how to do the stuff, I just needed the right body and mind." I said more to myself than the group. Right than Milly called us back over.

"Same order. No music, just tricks. Try your best and good luck." she told us as she called up the first girl. I still don't know her name. I'm not so sure Milly did either because she just pointed to her and than hacked her thumb toward the beam. I didn't really pay much attention to the girls performances, I was still floored about what I did on the bars. It was so perfect, they were always my strong suit, next to vaults. I'm really good at vaults, they were the first thing I learned. Balance beam, not so much but I wasn't bad on it just never really like it that much.

Madison just walked up to the beam picking a wedgie out of her butt. How attractive and graceful is that? I'm really scared now, how could a small town greaser like me compete with that young lady of poise. I snickered a little bit to myself and looked back at the guys. The only ones that seemed to notice her picking her butt was Soda and Pony who looked at me right before bursting out laughing. They must be thinking the same thing I was.

Her performance didn't last long, or I just was too busy to notice what she was doing. The next thing I heard was my name being called up. I did the same thing I did before, taking a deep breath I walked up to the beam, only about twenty feet back from the spring board.

Swallowing hard I mounted, walk over forward through handstand. I went through the tricks in my mind before performing them. It was organized but there were some shaky moments. Do forward walk over. Split leap with full turn. Walkover backwards with stoop-through on leg. Valez with full turn switch leap with half turn. Round off forward, wing turn into forward handstand. Flic-flac with full twist before hard support. My landing was shaky and unstable but I quickly recovered by dismounting with aerial walk over forward twist. Half sticking the lading, I through my arms back.

My boys cheered from behind me. Milly motioned with her pen for me to get back in line. I let out a heavy breath that I holding when I got to my place. The beam has always been my least favorite, I always forget to breath when I'm performing on it. Sounds weird, who forgets to breathe right, but I don't usually breathe. That's usually why I get shaky or dizzy and mess up, because I don't breathe. I looked back at my boys who were pumped as hell, even Darry was messing around. They all shot a smile my way and I nodded to them. Milly announce that we were switching and to get a drink before heading to the vault.

When I reached the boys I immediately sat down, still breathing hard. "Lucy ya okay?" Darry said putting a hand on my back, no longer smiling.

"Yeah, just need to catch my breath." taking in a shaky breath I took a gulp of water and went to line up.

I still don't recall ever knowing her name. "I am coach Rachel, the head coach of the girl gymnastics division. This is the vault station. You each get four different tries, make sure it is a trick that will impress me with your skill. Also keep it safe and at a level you are comfortable with, good luck."

Coach Rachel, well now I know. The first girl did a handspring forward on one and a half twist off, impressive. She did a few more similar tricks, just changing up the twists. Rachel didn't seem as impressed as I was, even though her form was perfect. She never even steps when she landed. I tapped my foot while searching around the gym to count. There wasn't much to count except people, fifty three, and ceiling tiles, one hundred in fifteen.

When I noticed Madison was no longer next to me I started to panic a little bit more, almost my turn. Rachel was the girl to impress. The coach that I should really wow since she was top leader in the organization. She seemed to like Madison's last trick, even if she did step. She did a handspring Pike front Salto with half twist. Her other tricks were rather safe and boring compared to that one and Rachel seemed to enjoy it. Thinking back to all the vaults I practiced, I picked the risky ones I had learned. I practiced them the most but I should be okay since vaults are my strong suit.

When she called my name she pointed to the end of the platform. "Curtis, your turn."

Walking up to the end of the eighty two foot platform. "On your mark Curtis." she told me.

Breathing easy I started my long sprint to the spring board. Jumping onto it I swung forwards with a hand front straight Salto with three complete turns. I took a step when I landed but over all I did alright. At the end of the platform, I put chalk on my hands and feet to reduce slippage. Sprinting down the long run way I jumped on the springboard and put my hands on the vaulting horse, performing a Tsukahara tucked with half twist with thee complete turns. My next trick was a cartwheel to handspring with a tucked Yurchenko. The final and most difficult trick was next, I've stepped twice already and I really need to stick it this time. It almost seemed like slow motion while I ran down the runway and did a round-off on spring board. A full twist on vault horse with tuck back Salto. I landed perfectly as I threw my hands back signaling I was done.

From across the room I heard a 'holy shit' and 'fucking wow' as my boys screamed with enthusiasm. Rachel told Bethany to get up there as I went back to my spot. I was shaking with pride, that went so well. Really I wanted to run around the building screaming at the top of my lungs, I was so proud of myself. There was nothing that could shake me now, the feeling of nailing my last trick was flooring to me. Everyone was done and we all gathered into a big group again.

"Most of you did really well, we will post who made the team tomorrow on the bulletin board by the office. Thank you all for trying out, first practice starts Tuesday at five in the morning. If you made the team don't be late or you are automatically off. Is that clear?" Rachel instructed as we all nodded.

"Have a wonderful evening." everyone scattered to their families. I ran into Sodapop's arms and wrapped my legs around him.

"Glory was that something else." I said letting myself down.

"I think this calls for ice cream!" Soda said looking at Darry who nodded handing me my clothes. Slipping on my shorts I smiled up at my boys who looked down at me with pride. After putting my shoes and coat on we left out the door for Dairy Queen.

We all got sundaes and ate them on the way home, except me and Darry who waited. Darry was driving and couldn't eat it so I held his and mine. I went straight to my room to change when I got home. In my pajamas I left my room to find that everyone was dancing and messing around in excitement. Darry smiled at me as I sat with him at the table, starting to eat my sundae.

"Do you think I'll make it?" I asked him with a giant bite full of vanilla.

"Baby girl, you did amazing. If you don't make the team than it's rigged." he told me eating the rest of his by drinking it. All of a sudden I was being hoisted out of my seat and onto the shoulders of Soda and Two-bit."When the hell did you get here?" I said looking down at him.

"Soda called and told me he news, congratulations."

"Hey now, none of that. I haven't even made the team yet."

"But you will!" Pony said jumping up and down with Johnny. I smiled at them as the put me down. After a lot of dancing and some scolding words from Darry we calmed down and were lounging around. I sat next to Two-bit with my feet on his lap and my head on Soda's knee. All of a sudden Two-y jumped and looked over at all of us. We all gave him a confused look."Oh almost I forgot to tell you guys, Dally's back in town."


	25. Typical Day

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is umm mine :D

Please enjoy, give me opinions :D

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**Living For**

_Typical Day_

"Oh I almost forgot to tell you guys, Dally's back in town."

Johnny and Pony cheered as they stood up. "Woo, I wonder where the big guy has been." Johnny said in his quiet voice of his. Darry just nodded before saying goodnight to us. Telling us not to stay up to late.

Taking my head off Soda's leg I stood up. He gave me a confused look. "Where ya goin silly goober?"

"Bed, school tomorrow. Remember monkey butt." I looked over at Ponyboy.

"Don't stay up to late." than I pointed my finger at Johnny and Two-bit. "You too, we all have things to do tomorrow. Get some rest." they all nodded at my motherly ways. Something that I have adopted after Mom passed.

"Night checkers." Soda said as I looked at him puzzled.

"Where did you get checkers?" he smiled sweetly at me.

"Couldn't think of anything else." shaking my head at him I went over to Darry's door and knocked.

"Come in." He called so I entered, he was just done getting dressed for bed I think. Dar was wearing some sweatpants and no shirt, smiling at me. I don't know why but I need a hug from my Dad, and Darry was the closest thing I could get at this point. He looked like him, smelled like him, sometimes sounded like him but definitely didn't act like him. I think the mentioning of Dallas being back was my buzz kill. Frowning I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around him.

"What's wrong baby girl?" closing my eyes I pictured my Dad asking me that. Him holding me close and him with his warmth.

"Nothing." liar. "Just wanted a hug."

"I needed one too." he admitted pulling away. "Thanks for that."

"No, thank you. You get some rest." I told him as I left his room. He nodded back to me.

"You too sis, if ya need anything…" I interrupted him.

"Than don't hesitate to wake me up, I know. You too brother." saying with a smile I shut his door. Saying goodnight one last time I walked into my bedroom. Leaning up against the back of my door I closed my eyes. Why did he have to come back? He left for no reason, he can stay there for no reason. Opening my eyes I glided across the floor to the window.

Locking it I made sure it wouldn't open, Dally was not coming through this window ever again. I don't want him too, such an asshole he is. Turning the light off I slid under my covers then I sat up again. Double checking the window I sighed. Paranoid is one thing that I am, especially when I know I would get hurt in the situation. Look what happened the last two times I was paranoid, they ended up in disaster because I ignored the feeling. If Dallas came through my window, I would wake up to him. If I woke up to him in here, than I couldn't ignore him. If I saw his eyes looking at me for forgiveness I would forgive him . I need time, and that is something I don't have. Dallas is not on my priority list of things I need to care about.

I need to focus on the gymnastics team, school, my brothers, coping, living, social worker, money, everything else but him. It will be tough but I can get through it. I've been through hell before, now I'm fire resistant. That devil's son, Dallas Winston, can't touch me. Okay, he isn't the devil's son, but he is pretty close to being one. Damn, I just hope he stays away from this house for awhile. Especially away from me. Really, I don't need the extra stress! Smacking my forehead I tried to throw all thoughts of Dallas out of my head. Closing my eyes sleep consumed me for the entire night.

The next time my eyes crept open it was Monday morning, the house was quiet. Looking at my clock I sighed, five twelve. Darry doesn't even wake up this early, well at least I have the bathroom to myself. Usually if I wake up late I have to share it with a guy so I hardly ever shower. Lately they haven't cared about the lock that doesn't work on it, they knock but they just waltz right in if I'm in the shower. Take a leak, grease the hair, take a dump…. You think they would be embarrassed to be in there when I am, but they aren't. It's not that I feel uncomfortable, its that it is gross and that's my private time. I told Darry that if he doesn't fix it soon than I will do it myself. Right afterwards I felt bad for ordering him around since he isn't procrastinating to fix it, just too busy or tired.

Gathering my school clothes I jumped in the shower. It wasn't a long shower but it got the job done. I got dressed in a pale gray dress with a red ribbon on my middle. It made me look nice. After brushing through my hair I braided it in a long braid that came over my shoulder. Putting in a cute little red clip on the side of my head, I smiled at myself. Mom would have been proud to see the day I wore a dress to school. Brushing my teeth I headed out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. Six-o-nine, I made breakfast for my brothers, eggs and bacon.

Glancing over in the living room I noticed that no one had slept over, and Tim wasn't there either. I was half way done with the bacon when Darry moseyed into the kitchen. Handing him his mug full of steaming hot coffee I kissed him on the cheek. He cupped the mug in his hands and smelled it happily. Than he left the room and woke up our brothers, who were already getting dressed. I made everyone's plate and while I was I heard the roaring sound of teenage boys coming through the door. It sounded like all of them where here, including Dallas Winston. Giving myself a pep talk I set down my brother's food and drinks. Don't look at him, no eye contact, ignore is voice, don't pay attention to anything he does.

"HEY YA'LL!" Two-bit yelled as Pony and Soda sat down at the table, I was next to Darry. "Look what the cat dragged in."

"Hey Dal, where ya been?" Soda asked shuffing ketchup into his eggs.

"Had to make a trip up to New York, had some business." he said, God that voice. I can't even stand it. Ignore it Lucy, ignore it!

"Hey Luc, lookin good." he talked to me, don't look up. Eggs are the center of the universe, stare at them. Don't look away! I started stuffing my face with eggs, wanting to get out the door as fast as possible.

"Slow down girl, the world isn't going to run out of eggs." Steve told me eating a piece of cake next to me. Hurriedly I grabbed a full glass of milk and started to down it. Not pulling the cup away until it was empty. Accidentally I slammed it down on the table as I stood up to go to my room.

"Damn girl, we should enter you in a drinking contest at Buck's one of these fine Saturdays." Two-bit joked as I rushed to my room to find Dally sitting on my bed. NO EYE CONTACT! Looking away fast I didn't pay attention to him, not even telling him to get the hell out of my room. I grabbed socks out of my top compartment of the dresser. Throwing them on my feet I fell to the ground looking around for my shoes, having no luck.

"Luc, slow down would ya? Your making me dizzy." why is he acting so normal? I want him to go away, he needs to go. But I wont tell him that, just ignore him. He will tire of you not speaking to him, he will leave you alone eventually. Right? Standing up I rushed to my closet and searched through Mom's shoes having no luck finding my converse. Going out of my room I went into the living room searching everywhere.

"Anyone know where my shoes are?"

"Over here." Johnny said pointing to the other side of the couch.

"How the hell did they get there?" I muttered to myself while slipping them on. Standing up I slung my bag over my shoulder ready to go out the door. I was stopped by Darry."Where you going?"

"Umm, school." I said, I know where this is going.

"Wait for a ride, Pony is almost ready so go with him, Johnny, Steve and Two-bit." sighing I sat down on the couch bobbing my leg up and down impatiently.

"I've never seen the girl want to go to school so bad before." Two-bit said as he sat on my lap, even though there was an open space between me and Johnny.

"Must you sit on me so early, when there is a perfectly good spot right next to me?"

"Yes." he said looking down at me.

"Well get off anyway because your bony butt is killer to my bruised skin." during training I have gained over twelve different bruises all over my body. All the guys think they are really tuff, except Dar. He just fusses over them, at first he thought I had been abused. He demanded that I told him who hit me, he didn't believe it was from training until I showed him the amount of them and the strange spots there were in. Like I have one on the top of my right foot, go figure.

Two-bit slid to the empty space next to me as Dally shuffled out of my room and sat in the armchair. He kept glancing at me, I couldn't see it because my shoes had suddenly become interesting, but I could feel them. His striking, burning stare with those ice cold eyes. I couldn't take it anymore so I quickly stood up and waited next to the door. "Pony hurry the hell up." I ordered to him.

"Shut up Lucy, it ain't like we're late or something." excuse? Excuse? Excuse? Oh yeah…

"Sorry, I just want to see if I made the team or not."

"Oh, sorry for barking at you." Pony said as he joined me at the door as I nodded.

"COATS!" Darry ordered as he put his on. My siblings and I all put on our coats and were followed out the door by the gang. My four friends and I squeezed into Steve's car and were off to school. I could breathe now, no more Dallas around. Leaning my head on the back of the seat Two-bit looked at me.

"You've acted strange this morning girly, what's up?"

"Just anxious about the tryouts."

"Well don't be, you did amazing last night." Johnny told me in his low voice. I smiled at him and ruffled his hair.

"Thanks Johnnycakes." we listened to the music blasting the whole way to school, like everyday. After we parked I walked inside with Steve and Two-bit, we departed with Johnny and Pony because we were going different directions. Than Two-bit left to talk to some chick from last night, so Steve and me went to the locker we shared. He put in the combination while I leaned up against the locker. I glance around the hallway as I got grins, smirks, and dirty looks. Brian started walking up to me, pointing in my face."Hey Luc, how's my favorite greaser gal doin?" he was sarcastic. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Steve roll his eyes.

"Hey Brain, how's the fungus that you call your girl friend doin? Heard she wasn't doin so hot, being pregnant and all." Steve snickered handing me my notebook and taking my bag.

"What? She? Where?" I smiled evilly at him and he realized that I was just messing with him.

"Look who's talking, I was just trying to be friendly grease." He snarled at me as Julie came up behind him and hid in his armpit. She fits so perfectly there.

"So was I ape face." Okay I got that one from Two-bit, but still caused Steve to laugh since it was coming from me.

"Shut your mouth slut."

"I'm not the one who banged half of the varsity honey." I said turning and walking away with Steve, he whispered to me.

"Did she really?"

"Nearly half." he snickered again.

"I'll get you Curtis, you just wait." I waved behind me not looking back.

"Sure thing pal." Steve dropped me off at my literature class while he went off to biology, we only had one class together now that I'm no longer in his gym and that's fourth hour. Just as the bell rang Julie and her third ass cheek walked in. I mean, she walked in with Ruth and sat down in the front of the classroom. She popped her bubble gum and turned to look at me, she waved. With a good sneer I waved back, man I hate her.

Second hour was alright, just study hall with Two-y. We passed notes most of the time. Gossiping about his newest blond tramp, well in my words anyway. He kept mentioning Dallas being back but every time he did I ignored the statement. Third hour was slow as usual, geometry….yuck. Lunch with the gang was pleasant, while sitting at the table I read. Being interrupted, I got asked out by some hood named Jonathan. It's funny but I've never seen nor heard of him before. I still have feelings for Dallas, even if he is an asshole. Right now I don't exactly want a relationship, it is the last thing I need. Next to worrying about Dally, which is at the bottom of the to do list. Politely I declined, but he didn't get the message.

He just sat right next to me and started to lean into my face. I put my hand on his cheek and he started to put his on my thigh. He was getting awful close to my underwear as he rubbed his hand up my leg. Grabbing his ear I pulled him in a standing position and leaned into his face more. Our lips were almost connected as he closed his eyes. Without warning, in a strong and very firm grip I grabbed his manhood. Jonathan squealed in pain and I leaned into his ear, pulling hard on his jewels.

"Don't. Ever. Touch. Me. Again." he screamed out and everyone looked at us, including the guys. "You dig?"

Jonathan nodded furiously as I let his little man go free. Immediately he grabbed himself and shuffled away. A few people cheered as I sat back down and started to read again. Pony was the first to say something to me as he sat down next to me.

"What was that all about?"

"Mr. Pigheadedness made a mistake. No worries, I set him straight."

"What he do?" Steve said standing next to Ponyboy.

"Put his hand down my dress." I said looking back at my book. "But don't worry I made sure he can't have children anymore, so just forget about it."

I saw my kid brother's face flash with either anger or embarrassment, Steve definitely looked angry though. Really, I could care less if they wanted to get into a fight with the likes of him, be my guest. Fourth hour was hard to stand because it was pretty much the end of the day. Fifth was just as unbearable. As soon as the social studies teacher dismissed us with the bell, I ran out the door. Usually I'm the last to leave but not today, I had to know if I got on the team.

At the locker Steve had it already opened, I grabbed his hand and jumped up and down. "Come on, come on, come on!"

"Cool you jets Luc, I'm going as fast as I can." I sighed and let go of his hand tapping my foot. As one of his friends came up they shook hands and started to talk, I grunted at him. Steve turned around with a chuckle.

"Here take your stuff, met us by the tree." Sling the bag over my shoulder and holding my coat, I took off down the hall in a fast pace toward the office. In that hallway it was deserted since it was the end of the day and no lockers where down there. Seeing the paper from twenty feet away I jogged over there in excitement. With my pointer finger I scanned down the list. Madison Lucky, Bethany Smithing, Caroline Heartly, Lucile Curtis….I made it.

"YES!" jumping up in the air I shot down the hallway at a fast pace. The hallways were empty so I had no problem getting to the doors. Everyone was waiting by the tree; Pony, Steve, Two-bit and Johnny. I throw my bag at Steve who caught it.

"I made it!" they all cheered and slapped me on the back before I sped off in the other direction.

"Hey crazy, where are you going? We haven't even celebrated yet." Pony called after me.

"Tell Darry I'll be home for dinner. Gotta watch Georgia in a bit so I'll be there after I take care of something." I said with a giggled.

Man am I on a high or what. This is the best thing that has happened to me since forever, even before Mom and Dad passed. Running down the road I would giggle just out of sheer excitement. Eventually I made it to the cemetery and was standing in front of my parents graves. This time smiling down at them instead of having a freak out. Bending over I traced their names with my fingers.

"Hey." I bent down further as if someone was going to hear me.

"I did it. I'm on the team, I did it just for you Mom." closing my eyes a breeze flew passed me. Making my lose hairs from my braid brush over my face.

"I hope your proud of me now. I'm sorry I didn't do anything worth praising when you were alive, but now things are different." I smiled and kissed my palm than planted it onto the top of my mother's grave.

"Take it easy." I told her as I planted a kiss onto Dad's grave.

"Miss you, love you." I said looking into the distance. After a moment to taking in whatever there was to take in, I pulled the weeds around the grave. Than I walked out of the grave yard and down the street to the bus stop at the end of the road to pick up Georgia. I really do hope they are proud, I tried really hard. Just as I came onto the street, Georgia came off the school buts.

"Hi Georgia, how was your day?"

"Awesome! I made a butterfly today, see." she held up her purple and blue cut out of a butterfly.

"That's beautiful! Is that for your mama?""Hmm." she hummed a yes. "They are her favorite colors."

"She's going to love it." I said taking her hand as we walked down the sidewalk.

"Do you have homework?" I asked her.

"I have to read a little bit than do some math, you?" She is so intelligent, a lot smarter than the yahoos in this town.

"I've got geometry." frowning at her she giggled.

"I don't like math either." she said.

"Well it has to be done." we both giggled.

"Do you mind if we stop by my house before heading inside? I've gotta grab my stuff and a snack. Ya want one?" nodding with a giant smile we entered my gate to my house. I can't wait to tell Darry and Sodapop!


	26. Just Leave Me Alone

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is umm mine :D

Please enjoy, give me opinions :D

* * *

**Living For**

_Just Leave Me Alone_

"Hey little G, how's it hanging?" Dallas asked was we entered, she set her things down and ran over to him. She sat on his lap with a squeal.

"Dally!" I felt my face form a face of unusual disgust. Than I changed into sadness with a frown. Walking passed them I went into the kitchen, followed by Two-bit.

"What was that?" for a absent minded guy, he sure notices things.

"I've got a headache, need to eat something. Where's Steve? I thought he went in at four thirty." I said popping two pieces of bread into the toaster.

"Soda had to leave to pick up Darry at the worksite, he hurt his back or something." Two-bit said biting into a piece of bread.

"Is he okay?" I gasped, my motherly ways taking over."Relax, muscles is tough enough." he told me patting me on the back. I nodded making a note to fix up Darry later. I called Georgia into the dining room to eat a nice piece of strawberry jelly toast and a glass of milk with me. Instead of seeing a short little red head pop into the chair next to me, Dallas did with her on his lap. Don't look up Lucy, eat toast and get out.

"Heard ya made the team, good job kid." Dallas told me."You did, why didn't you tell me?" Georgia sounded offended as she took a bite of toast.

"Don't talk with your mouth full." I told her with a smile. "Sorry, I was took impressed by your butterfly to think about the team." she smiled back

This would be a lot easier if jerk off would leave the room. Damn do I need a cigarette, wait I gave that up until the team is over at championships. Well, I guess a hug would go a long way. Being in the same room with him, breathing the same air hurts me. It all hurts me. I'm not saying we were really "Together-together" but he asked if I wanted to be his girl. Foolishly I said yes, how naive can you get before you notice?

"So Luc, how ya been?" ignore, ignore, ignore. Without even a glance at him I stood up and went into the kitchen. Throwing my dishes into the sink I went back and pointed at Georgia.

"Leaving in about ten minutes." she nodded taking another bite. I could feel Dallas looking at me but I didn't look his way.

"Luc?" leaving the room I fought the urge to turn around and slap him in the face. To tackle that bastard to the ground, to hold him by the neck. Scream in his ears, repeatedly smashing his face against the floor until its raw and bloody. Fucking kiss the hell out of him, than bury him alive. That's what I want, but will never get. For one reason, he isn't really there. He is a piece of dust in the room, something that I over think everyday.

Do I have a right to be mad? Am I over reacting? Is this just another freak out that I am so prone to having? Should I really be ignoring him or should I just yell at him? Should I be calm? When he calls my name should I acknowledge that he is there? When people talk about him should I talk about him with them? How am I supposed to interact with someone that's hurt me badly? Someone who broke more than one promise? Someone who lied to me? Should all of this be about Dallas Winston? Holy shit, I really need to stop and get out of this room.

I went to Ponyboy's room, knocking on the door he told me to come in. He was sitting at his desk with his hands through his hair. "Need help?" I asked.

"No, I'm just seeing double." he said with a smile. "Reading a really boring book, something I just can't stand."

"Yeah, I know you pretty well." smiling I opened my arms. Standing up he looked at me funny, I opened my arms wider. Scooping up my younger brother in a hug I sighed. Pony gives really good hugs, especially when I need one. If Pony was Sodapop at that moment I probably would of started to cry, but he isn't. He's my baby brother, I need to comfort and protect him, not the opposite.

I held him tight as long as he let me hug him. He pulled away with a confused expression but I just shrugged and exited the room after kissing him on the cheek. Pony is such a good kid, deserves the best. Lately the nightmares have gotten better, one thing that I am thankful for. I'm not sure how much more Darry could take. Soda sleeps in there when he does have a bad dream, sometimes even me, but lately Pony has gotten better. Now that he is better I have to make sure Darry gets better. They all have to be in good health at all times, I have to protect them for as long as I can.

If Darry threw his back out, that will put him out of work for a while. That is something we just can't afford, even with my secret money. Well not as secret as I hoped, Soda just had to tell Pony. Who told Johnny, good thing Johnny is quiet and soft spoken. After I heard he knew I made sure that he wouldn't tell anyone else. The rest of the gang can't help but tell everyone when they have to take a leak let alone a secret.

Going into my room I found my bag full of my homework and school stuff. Slinging it over my shoulder I left the room to find that Dallas and Georgia were still talking. "G, lets go."

"But Lucy I wanna stay and talk with Dally." she whined.

"We both have homework, lets go."

"No." excuse you…no we are leaving."Come on Luc, don't be mean. The girl wants to hang with me, let her hang." don't respond, blank expression. Don't make eye contact, stare at Georgia.

"We are leaving now. You can be a big girl and walk over by yourself. Or I can drag you like a baby and you can be in time out when we get there. Your choice."

Getting off of Dally's lap she grabbed her bag and walked to the door. I picked up the dishes in front of Dallas and walked into the kitchen. Setting the plates in the sink I turned around to find Dallas right there next to me. IGNORE! Walk around the wall in front of you Lucy, don't look up from your shoes. As I went to the right to pass him, he moved in my way. I tried again the other way but had no success.

"Look at me." no, my shoes are too interesting to look up. He wouldn't let me through, than he put his hands on my shoulders. Out of reaction I pushed my entire body against his, moving him into the back of the counter. Still staring at my shoes I took his hands off me, with a death grip on his wrists.

I could feel his smirk as he looked down at me. "You're stronger than I remember." he cooed in my ear.

Get the hell off me. Get the hell out of my house. Stay the fuck away from me. You were right, you did hurt me. I'm a fool, I know this. We were never meant to be, we've proved it. We are so different, too different. I'm softer than I used to be, your hard as steel. You don't like me, I get it. If I know all of this, why the hell does it hurt so bad? If I know all of this, why can't I move past it? If I'm smart enough to figure that out so easily, than why is it so hard to comprehend my feelings?

After a moment he let me through, I grabbed Georgia's hand as we left out the door. When we got inside her house I turned the light on. As I did my geometry homework Georgia read to me. After an hour I finished to help her with her first grade addition homework. Since I count all the time I showed her what I do, I tap. On my leg, on the desk, with my pencil. She really seem to catch on fast. She finished in a half an hour. All our work was done and it was six o'clock. It was just like clock work that her Mom walked in.

They hugged, we hugged, then I was paid. I grabbed my things, I said goodnight, then I went home. Darry was laying on the floor in pain while Sodapop desperately tried to cook something eatable. Ponyboy annoyingly sat on the couch looking very tired. Two-bit arm wrestled Steve at the table. Johnny sat with Pony staring off in space absently. Dallas was not here, YES! But everything else was a mess, did I have to do everything around here.

After setting my bag down I went into the linen closet I grabbed the heating pad and a towel. Crouching down by Darry I pulled his shirt off. With the movement of his arms he winced. In a quick motion he put them back down. Than I started to smell something burning. "Darry, pizza?" I asked. He nodded then I told him to hang tight.

Going into the kitchen I smiled at Sodapop. "Don't worry about this Lucy, you make dinner every night." he looked and sounded guilty.

"I'm ordering pizza, clean this up and your free to mess around with the guys." he smiled at me sweetly.

"I'll call it in, you go help Superman over there." nodding I walked into the bathroom and well…went. Washing my hands I inspected my face, it needed cleaned. After scrubbing my face I took the red clip out and put it in my basket under the sink.

Leaving the bathroom I went into my room to change. Wow, big surprise to find Dallas Winston in my room. I wanted to scream and tell him to piss off. But instead I started to gather my clothes, I no longer feel comfortable changing in front of him. And there was no way I was going to tell him to get the hell out."What's the matter with you?" he asked as I pulled off my converse. Throwing them into the closet I opened my shirt compartment and grabbed Darry's old jersey. With all my clothes I left the room and went into Pony's across the hall. Locking the door I changed and left within forty seconds. Back in my room I threw my dirty clothes into the hamper that Darry gave me. Starting to leave the room I felt a hand clasp on my wrist.

"Look at me now." I wonder if he even knows why I'm doing this? Why I can't look at him. Why he is just dust to me. Why I can't stand to be in the same room with him. Can a single human being be any thinker?

Without glancing at him I tried to yank myself away from him. Dust isn't supposed to be this strong! Don't look, don't look! "Look at me Lucy."

Don't speak, just get away. Call someone, he wont do this if someone else is in the room. "Sodapop?" I called, his grip loosened but didn't release. This is my chance.

Yanking away I dashed out the door. "Yeah?" Soda asked as I passed the kitchen.

"Never mind Twiny." he nodded as he scrubbed the pan in the sink. Putting some lotion on my hands I walked over to Darry. His face was looking away from the gang, must be embarrassed. Poor brother, I'll fix this for him. Plugging in the heating pad I crouched down in front of him. Taking hold of his arms I slowly pulled him above his head.

"This is going to hurt." I told him as he grunted. Putting his hands out in front of him above his head, he gritted his teeth.

"What were you doing when this happened? Be truthful please."

"Carrying more than one bundle at a time." at least he was honest.

Sighing I stood up and crouched over him. If I sat on his back I could end up damaging him further. Moving my hands around his back I figured out the tender and damaged areas. They need to be loosened up before I can move things around. Slinging the towel over his back I put the heating pad over it. Than I moved his arms out at his sides.

"Stay like this." I told him. Just as I said this the door bell rang, pizza guy's here.

"Damn it, I forgot my wallet at work with my tool belt. Hey little buddy, you got any money?" Darry yelled from the ground.

"Nah, anyone else?" no one answer just looked ashamed.

"I do. Johnny come here please." he stood up as I asked him. Whispering in his ear I asked him a favor.

Swallowing hard I said his name, "Do me a favor and get Dallas out of my room? But don't tell him I told you to."

"Sure thing." he said looking confused and out of place. Johnny left for my room. Sodapop came over to me.

"Stall the guy, I've gotta get my money." He nodded walking toward the door after the bell rang again. Dallas and Johnny came out of my room so I passed them to enter. In my room I locked the door and shut the open widow. Locking that as well, I shut the blinds. On the floor I popped open the loose floorboard, reaching inside. I keep my saved up money, Mom's necklace that Dad gave her, notebook and switchblade in there.

Sorting out some money, I put the rest back. Putting the floor back in place I opened my door and walked it over to the guy in the door. To my surprise it was Will, he smiled at me. Wow I'm running into morons, assholes and backstabbers today. Must be my lucky day or something. Handing him the money I started to hysterically laugh, everyone looked at me funny. Grabbing the two boxes of pizza I shut the door in his face. He couldn't get a word in if he tried.

"That wasn't very nice Lucy." Sodapop told me as he followed me to the table.

"Well sometimes I'm not a very nice person." I said as everyone gathered around the pizza boxes. Putting four slices on a plate I walked into the kitchen. For one slice I cut into little bites and grabbed a fork. Sitting on the floor next to Darry, I put a piece on the fork and fed it to him. He frowned at me but I just rubbed his head motherly.

"You don't have to do that Lucy." he told me.

"Yeah I do." he didn't argue because he knows I would win because I have my own reasons for doing things. Taking a bit of my pizza I fed Darry one of his. The gang in the other room was having a hoot over the fresh, greasy Italian sensation. After I was done with my piece I finished giving Darry one of his. There were still two pieces on the plate but they were his so I put them in the oven to keep warm.

Going back over to him I sighed. Taking off the heating pad I smiled down at Darry. He smiled back despite his pain. "Now brother, this is going to hurt but it will feel a hell of a lot better in about an hour." he nodded.

"Do your worst sis." he told me as I took off the towel.

I smoothed. I rubbed. I beat. I kneaded. I repeated. Darry was in a lot of pain but I tried to focus on his back instead of his suffering. After thirty minutes I put the heating pad back on and cut up another one of his slices. Feeding it to him everyone else came into the living room. They turned on the TV and started watching. Looking up I glanced at the table as I took the heating pad back off. I yelled at all the boys.

"What the hell, go pick up that mess on the tables." there was cups, plates, the pizza boxes and crumbs piled up. Pigs.

"Don't order us around." Two-bit told me annoyed.

"Who do you expect to pick that up?" I said standing up in front of the TV.

"You." Dallas said causing them all to laugh, even my brothers. Darry couldn't see the mess but he didn't laugh.

"Fuck you all." I said flipping them off angrily.

"Aw Luc don't be that way." Soda said getting up, he cleaned up the mess. I went back to my work without a word. Just kneaded his back, put heating pad on it and fed him. By the end of the third slice I pulled his back one more time before I cracked it. I was hoping I'm doing this right, this is what I did when Dad threw his back out.

Unplugging the heating pad I stood up. "I need Steve and Sodapop."

"What for?" they asked standing up.

"Stand there." I put Soda on Darry's right side and Steve on his left.

"Dar, brace yourself." standing up on his butt, I put my hands on Steve and Soda's shoulder. Leaning some of my weight on them I started to correct brother's back with my toes. Large, mean cracking noises sounded as I stood on him. He was grunting, yelping and practically screaming as I did this. After two minutes I jumped down to him as he panted.

"Sorry." he nodded his head that it was alright.

"Get him in bed, would ya?" I asked Soda and Steve. They both did what I asked. When they came back out Soda came over to me with a smile.

"How do you do it?" I shrugged and smiled.

"Have you heard the news? I haven't told you yet." Sodapop looked at me in question.

"I made the team." my twin was so excited he lifted me up and spun me around playfully.

"YAY!" he screamed in my ear, I couldn't help but laugh. When he set me down everyone started laughing because they all knew I made it already.

"Does Darry know?" I shook my head and told them I was headed for bed.

"Luc its eight thirty." Two-it said baffled that I would be headed to be so early. Ignoring his confusion I addressed everyone in the room besides Dallas.

"Don't say up late and don't be loud. I have to get up around four forty, and Dar needs his rest to be one hundred percent tomorrow." they nodded a little annoyingly. I turned to walk away.

"Thanks MOM!" Steve said with a grunt.

I turned back around and frowned at him, if he only knew. After giving him that look everyone felt bad for being assholes. Soda slapped Steve in the back of the head while standing up. Waving my hand for him not to bother I walked away into Darry's room. Shutting the door behind me, Darry smiled as I sat on the floor next to his bed. Leaning my forehead on his bedside he put his hand on my hair.

"Thanks for helping with my back baby girl." he rubbed my head as I turned my face to look at him. "I already feel better."

"I hope so." I started to scold him. "Don't do that again, just carry one at a time. You dig?" he nodded.

"I don't like seeing you in pain brother, it hurts me too." in understanding he nodded.

"Well I know how you feel, miss I like to get stabbed by random psychos." the two of us laughed. After a few minutes we were silent.

"I made the team brother." he smiled down at me with admiration.

"That's my girl." we went silent again as he looked at me proudly. Feeling the words of Steve flushed back into my memory. It was starting to bother me like crazy, I looked at Darry.

"Do I mother you guys too much?" brother looked baffled that I would ask.

"A little bit, but it is understandable."

"What do you mean?"

"You've always been a sister to everyone. You always mothered Johnny and Ponyboy, sometimes Soda. Since Mom's died it's expected for you to take over her roll."

"I don't want to replace her." I frowned whispering to myself.

"Well, I don't want to take Dad's roll but it seems that whatever I do I can't help it. Just like you can't help but being like Mom." he smiled tiredly down at me.

"I'm nothing like Dad, but I can't help but scold and be fatherly to everyone. You a lot like Mom, even if you don't want to admit it. Being like her comes easy to you because you have that caring quality about you. I understand you can't help but mother me. I've gotten used to it, even if you don't mother me as much as the rest of them."

"I think it's because you are the guardian, so I just look after you when you need it. The rest of them need me, even if they don't like it." I told him.

"I think they need you too, just like I do." he smiled.

"Lucy, I don't know what I would do without your help, you keep my sane."

"Brother, I should be thanking you. You've given up so much for us, you should be in college right now. You even gave up your savings to get rid of the debts that were loaded on us because of Mom and Dad."

"I wouldn't change it any other way. Sure I wish I had a normal life but if I had to made the decision to take care of everyone again, I wouldn't change a thing." he smiled down at me cupping my face in his hand.

"Sometimes I just feel bad because you do have to look after us, I try my best to help out because of it."

"Don't worry about it Luc, no go get some rest." standing up I kiss him on the cheek.

"I wont be home when you get up."

"Why?" he looked a little mad or worried."I've gotta be on time at practice at five in the morning, I'm leaving around four forty." he nodded.

"I can give you a ride."

"No you need rest, besides I need to warm up on my way there. A jog wont do me any harm." walking over to the door I turned back around."If your back still hurts even the slightest bit, you stay home. If you go and hurt it while it's still hurt than you wont recover as easy as you would this time." he nodded.

"Love you brother." I said with a giggled leaving his room.

"Love you too Lucy Lou." going into Darry's room every night before to bed is sort of a ritual for me now. Just like when I did it with my parents. Darry and I have definitely gotten closer through this, all of us have. Sure we were a close knit family before but when worst comes to worst, the best comes out of us. It's the Curtis way to adapt and become stronger, Dad always said. I guess he was right, even if it does take longer for some, like me.

When I got into my room I found Dallas in there, ugh. He was on my bed and I wanted to go to bed. "I'm not leaving until you talk to me." he told me.

Leaving my room I shut the light out. "Soda I'm rooming with you tonight."

"Umm, okay. Everything alright?" he asked as he entered his room to find me laying in his bed.

"Can't I have a sleepover with my twin once in a while?" smiling he jumped in bed next to me."You bet."

"Your going to be now?" I asked looking at him puzzled."Well I guess if you are." I nodded and we got under the covers with smiles.

"I set the alarm for four thirty, hope you don't mind." he nodded.

"You know me, I'd sleep through a tornado if Darry didn't wake me up in the morning." we laughed and soon fell silent as he turned the table lamp off. Sodapop slung his arm around me, being the cuddlier that he is.

Soda fell asleep faster than I could thing, Soda fell asleep. I wish I was like him when it comes to sleeping. I'm such a light sleeper if I do sleep. My routine is back to normal but everyone now and than I wont get a wink of sleep. To much going on in my head, to much to think about. And the only thing that was keeping me awake tonight, was Dallas Winston.


	27. My Man

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is umm mine :D

Please enjoy, give me opinions :D

* * *

**Living For**

_My Man_

Day ninety, Saturday November tenth. I'm on my way home from my fifth practice of the week. It's ten in the morning and I've been up since four, damn am I tired. My legs are all bruised up and I feel like I'm about ready to fall over. I'm not even half way home and things are just going down hill. Today practicing on my first routine on the balance beam I fell. Not just fall and get up but fall hit leg on beam on the way down and lay there until composed.

No one really noticed because when ever I fall like that I just lay there staring up at the ceiling. They know I'm not in real danger unless I'm screaming my head off. Like Madison was this morning, she fell of the uneven bars and dislocated her shoulder. She was sent home after Coach Rachel snapped it into place. I've dislocated my shoulder when I was younger and I know that it hurts. But I don't remember screaming my head off like that, I guess some people are just more sensitive.

I made it to the DX station and I had to go inside to sit down. Limping up the hill to it, I winced. Throwing my bag down in the garage I sat on the red couch. Fuck! Does this hurt! Steve and Sodapop were both working on cars. Soda under the hood while Steve was under the other. Pulling himself out of the car Soda walked over to me wiping his hands with a rag. Gingering my teeth as I sat there.

"What's the matter?" he asked sitting down next to me. I stood up and pulled my shorts up the back of my thigh.

"Glory Lucy. Hey Steve, come look at this." Steve rolled himself out from under the car and walked over to us.

"Holy mother Lucy. What the hell ya do to yourself?"

"Jump off a bridge, didn't work out." I said sitting down and leaning on Sodapop.

"Does it hurt? Don't lie, I know you twiny." he told me.

"You know what, I wont lie." I said out loud, very dramatically. "In fact I'm going to complain about it."

"Sodapop, why would you tell her and make her do a thing like that? Now she wont shut up." Steve grumbled going back over to the car.

"Cause she's my little sister and I want to know what is wrong with her when its wrong." he said throwing his rag at Steve and missing.

"No worries Steve, I was just kidding." giggling I stood up but sat right back down.

"Do you have the truck?" he shook his head no.

"Steve doesn't have his car either. Mike, in the store got dropped off or I would ask him to give ya a ride home."

Grunting I stood up and slung my huge bag over my shoulder. "Are you sure your going to be okay?"

"No, but I want to get home so I can get an ice bath. Speaking of which I need to go get bags of ice, can I barrow some money. I'll pay ya back." I told him.

"Sit down and wait for Darry's lunch break, he is heading over here. He can give you a ride to the store and home." he handed me the money. "And don't worry about paying me back twiny." Soda got back to work while I laid down on the couch.

Slinging my arm over my eyes I shut them, falling asleep. God was I tired and sore. The next thing I remember was the rev of the Ford pulling up. I sat up and rubbed my eyes, feeling heavier and more sore than before. Darry walked in with a smile saying hello to the boys. They mumbled hellos through the cars. When he turned to sit on the couch, I assume, he saw me looking a little shocked.

"Luc what are you doin here?" I was about to answer but Sodapop started to tell him all about my bruise. All my injuries like I had been beaten.

"What happened? Let me see." Darry was making a fuss. I glared at Sodapop.

"Don't make a fuss or nothin." I said standing up with shaky legs. Turning around I showed Darry, he poked gently at the wound.

"She was in so much pain I made her wait for a ride, she needs to head to the store for ice as well." Soda informed him.

"Sodapop I can speak, I'm not mute." I told him as he stuck his tongue out at me.

"Gonna have yourself an ice bath?" Darry asked knowing because he used to have those when he was in football. Nodding I leaned on Sodapop.

"Does it hurt really bad?" I nodded looking away, feeling embarrassed.

"Don't feel embarrassed Luc, that is one hell of a injury. One that would even make Dallas Winston cringe." I did cringe, but at the mention of Dallas.

It had been a week since he had returned from New York. I still haven't talked to him, even though he has bothered me in any and all ways possible. Ever time we are alone he demands I look at him or talk to him, I ignore him though. I don't need him, he is still a piece of dust. I should call him Dusty instead of Dally, yep he's now Dusty.

Darry picked up my huge bag and slung it over his shoulder. "What the hell do you have in here, weights?"

"Yes, and my uniforms for next weeks completions." his eyes widened leaving the garage with my stuff.

"See ya later." I told Steve and Soda, limping out of the garage.

"By babe." Soda said was I exited. Darry threw the bag into the back of the truck before getting in. Limping over to my side, I tried to heave myself inside with no success. Darry offered his hand and he pulled me in from inside. We left the DX station for the store just down the road. I suppose we could of bought ice at the station but even with Soda's discount, it was more expensive. Going down the road I leaned into the seat almost falling asleep. But woke up when we arrived at the store. Darry told me to wait there while he bough the bags. I offered him the money Soda gave me but he declined.

Darry came out of the store with two bags of ice slung over his shoulders. When he got into the truck I smiled. "Thanks brothers. So how is you back doin?" I asked.

"Feeling stronger than ever, thanks for a certain someone." He said going down the road to our house, I smiled back.

"So that is a nasty bruise there kiddo, what ya do?"

"Fell off the beam this morning, hit it on my way down." he cringed at the thought.

"You gymnastics gals are pretty tough." he told me smiling.

"Not all of us." I started to tell him about Madison. How she went home and was screaming bloody murder. He just chuckled at me.

"Not everyone is as tough as us." I laughed along with him."What can we say, it's the way of the Curtis." he laughed as he parked in front of the house. With lots of objections from Darry I grabbed my bag. I told him not to worry about it, I'm not a baby. Than as we got in he told me to get ready for the ice bath while he went and made it up. Passing Johnny, Ponyboy and Dallas, I went to my room with my thing.

I changed out of my work out clothes and stood there in my underwear and cameo top. My black underwear were almost like shorts but just to be safe I rolled a towel around my bottom half. Limping out of my room Pony looked at me a little worried but I waved him off as I entered the bathroom. Darry had just finished filling the tub with cold water. He slit the ice bag open and poured it in. He took the other one to the freezer as I stood and stared at the painful bath awaiting me. Sure it would help in the long run but damn were those things painful. Darry came up behind me as I wince at my leg, trying not to stand on in.

"Do you need help getting in?" he asked as I hopped over to the tub.

"No, I think I got it." letting the towel fall I placed my foot in the tub. Gritting my teeth, I entered the bath fully. Grunting and hissing, I leaned into the bath. It wasn't that bad on my skin, except for my leg. Heat and needles shot through it. My face contorted as I threw it back in pain."Shit Lucy." I had forgotten Darry was there.

"I'd stay with ya but I've gotta head back to work." I nodded as he left through the open door. He left it open which I wasn't to happy about but I was to focus on the pain to say something.

Even though the needles in my leg, I could hear Darry talking to Pony. "Look after her until I get home later. She got hurt today so make sure she doesn't exert herself."

"I can still hear you and I'm fine, don't worry about me." I said gripping the edge of the tub.

"You shush and try and relax." Darry told me as he went through the door. I could hear the big door shut right before the screen did.

Lifting myself out of the tub, I relieved my leg for a few seconds. I felt tears of pain fall down my cheeks, but I was not crying. Just as I was about to put myself back into the tub, Dallas Winston walked into the bathroom. He shut the door behind him as he sat onto the toilet. Putting his feet onto the wall, he lit a cigarette. Don't look at him. Even if I wanted to pay attention to him, I couldn't.

Setting myself back into the burning liquid I threw my head back hissing. Under my breath I spat out a few curses. I could tell that Dallas was staring at me but I didn't want to interact to tell him to go away. Now that he was in here I feel like I can't express my pain like I need to. Breathing out a sigh I leaned by head against the wall trying to relax. Just as I started to get used to this, a pain shot into my leg like I was being stabbed.

I don't remember ice bathes to be this violently painful. Arching my body a little I yelped in pain. Squeezing my eyes shut, I shuffled clumsily but quickly to sit on the edge of the tub. My feet were sill in the ice water but at least my thigh wasn't. Wrapping my arms around my shoulders I leaned onto my legs with my stomach. Panting from the unpleasant feeling, I heard Dallas clear his throat. Damn, was he still here?

"Are you alright?" don't answer. Just stay quiet. Grunting I slid back into the water. I have to finish it until the ice is melted or I'm just wasting my time.

"Lucy, you know you will talk to me sooner or later. But I'd really like it for it to be sooner." no one cares what you want, your just a scumbag. A complete and utter disgust to my life. Why in the hell did I ever like you? And why the fuck can't I stop?

"I'm sorry, there I said it. Can we be friends again?" oh so you want to be friends? Well that's just peachy, I'd like us to be friends. I'd like us to be a lot of things but that doesn't mean it will ever happen. No one ever gets what they want, usually at least. I want Natalia to come back to Tulsa. I want money so Darry and Soda don't have to work so hard. I want my parents to be alive, but they aren't. I wanted you to be my man, but you aren't.

"Please just say something?" please? Did he just say please. Wow, I think that is the first time that word has come out of his mouth.

"What do you want from me Lucy?" finally I looked at him as I arched my back in pain. I hope he can see this pain in my eyes. All the shit I've been through, since he is the only one I've talked about it to. He should know how I feel because I told him. He should know that he made a mistake, a big one. He should know he lied. He should know he hurt me.

"Ya want me to leave? What?" he was getting a little excited as he took his feet off the wall and leaned into the tube with his cigarette hanging from his beautiful lips. Those moist lips that I wanted so badly, and still do. It should be a sin to have lips like that. Even through this, the pain hasn't subsided but the ice was melting. To get away from his face I dunked my head into the water. Letting my hair float around me, I gritted my teeth at the pain in my leg. What is the deal? When I came up Dallas was exhaling to the side but still leaning into the tub.

"Fucking speak." he growled. Just than he leaned in closer, damn it Dallas. Your making it awfully hard to concentrate ignoring you, getting rid of the pain and not kissing you. Without warning Dallas reached into the bottom of the tub and let the water go free. The water drained as I gripped the tub, desperately wanting the irritation to go away. Dallas put his cig out in the water and threw it in the trash.

Closing my eyes I whimpered at the harsh feeling in my muscle. Than I felt a hand clasp into mine. Shooting my eyes open, I saw Dallas holding my hand. He was looking at me worried and frustrated. I knew he wanted to say something but nothing was coming out of his mouth. We just stared at each other, until I broke eye contact. My hand tightened on his as needles shot into my flesh on my thigh. Once again I sat up on the edge of the tub, letting go of Dallas's hand. Just like before I leaned over and wrapped my arms around myself.

I felt Dally's warm hand on my back, brushing my flesh with his thumb. "Look at me." he ordered. This time I looked, I was getting sucked back into his world. As much as I don't want to, I can't help it. Dallas has been my best friend since forever. And I've had feelings for him for a while. Things like that just don't disappear in one night. Turning to look at him I placed my wet feet on the outside of the tub.

Dallas clasped my cheek in his hand. "Say something."

"No." I said looking down. Out of sheer rash behavior, Dallas crushed his face against mine.

Our lips met and molded together. It was warm and gentle, but nothing like I've had before. My hands trailed hit his arms and into his hair. His hand was on my cheek and neck, pulling me closer to his face. I felt his tough brush against my lips, asking for entry. But I denied him pulling away. I panted out letting go of his hair. His hands fell down my arms and onto my knees. My eyes were closed, not wanting to look at him

Okay, what the fuck just happened? I need to get out of here, this is crazy. Did that really just happen, for a second I had forgotten about the pain as we kissed. But now I felt it full on throbbing, when I stood up to leave I fell back down with a whimper. Dallas looked at me worried. "Are you alright?"

Shakily I started to hysterically laugh. This is just a weird day, and a painful one. "I'm sorry Lucy, I really am." he told me after I calmed down.

"I know." when I tried to get up again I fell forward, Dallas caught me. He propped me up on his lap. We stared into each others eyes.

"Yell at me, I know you want to." I shook my head no.

"It would make me feel better."

"But ignoring me does?" he asked.

"You have a point but it's better than being hurt again." I told him trying to pull away.

"I know I said I would never leave. I know I told you I liked you, just so you know I wasn't lying about that." he told me pulling me close to him."You did leave Dallas, you did." I felt an angry tear fall from my eyes. Dallas brushed it away with his finger.

"I know and I'm sorry. I had to help out a friend, it was short notice. But I'm here now and I'll never leave you." he told me confidently.

"How do I know that I can believe you?"

"You're just going to have to trust me." Dallas said rubbing my wet back. He than grabbed the towel off the floor and wrapped it around me. Lifting me up bridal style, I whimpered at his hands on my bruise. But even so I leaned into his warmth. We passed the boys who looked at us strangely and went into my room. Setting me down on the bed, he walked over to the door and locked it shut. He sat next to me smirking but in a different way than normal. It was one of those smirks that made him look satisfied.

Getting up, I leaned on the wall. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want him to leave again. And even though my mind is telling me that I'm stupid and out of line, my heart is telling me different. You can't choose who you love, sometimes unfortunately I love Dallas Winston. The king greaser himself.

He looked away as I got dressed into dry clothes. I felt comfortable again with him. Safe and happy to be with him, just like before. I knew I would be sucked back in, but I don't care. He didn't lie about one thing, he does like me. As I sat on the bed with him he asked me to show him my leg. Standing up again, with his arm support, I showed him my bruise. Whistling at the size, he traced it with his finger. Bending and twisting my back, I got a better view of the injury. Surprisingly it looked a lot worse.

Laying on the bed, he laid with me. We faced each other, eye to eye. He leaned in and kissed me. I immediately went for his bottom lip, sucking on it furiously. Dallas had his hands tangled into my hair, pulling me closer to him. I huddled my feet with his boots, and our knees together. One on top of the other. With my finger, I played with his ear. With my finger tips I lightly brushed his skin. He pulled away and hissed at me, I giggled.

"What was that?" I asked sort of already knowing, because I've heard that before.

"We need to slow down." I agree. Nodding I put my had on his arm. My forehead against his chin. He kissed my forehead every few minutes as we laid there.

"I missed you talking to me." he said.

"I hope you learned your lesson." I told him giggling.

"No worries, I have."

"So what did your friend need help with?" curiosity killed the cat. But at least the cat has nine lives.

"Helped him out of a murder wrap. You remember Checkers, that old pal I introduced last spring?" I nodded.

"He ended up killing his step-dad, I got him out of it. Cops found him though, but they let him go free. His Mom had bruises from the guy and told the court her son was innocent."

"Poor guy, is he okay?"

"Oh yeah, Checkers is pretty tough. Almost as tough as me." cooing into his ear I kissed his earlobe.

"No one is as tough as you."

"Are you sure? Cause I met this one gal a while back, she's the toughest gal I've ever met." he said playing with my hip. His hand on the inside of my shirt but not riding up it.

"Wow, she sounds tuff. You'll have to introduce me one of these days." giggling I kissed his collar bone. Oh how I've longed to kiss his collar bone.

"Not as tuff as you." he told me.

"I thought I was that girl." I said looking at his eye playfully.

"Oh, well you are." we chuckled together. After a moment of that we just laid there. Happily we enjoyed each others warm. Contently we enjoyed each others scent. Each other's touch. Our small gentle kisses. I feel a little foolish about the childish ignoring thing I did, but than again I don't. Even though it was a waste of time, I'm glad it happened. Otherwise I might not be here in bliss with Dally, my man.


	28. Nothing To Live For

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is umm mine :D

Please enjoy, give me opinions :D

* * *

**Living For**

_Nothing To Live For_

Our overall team got fourth in the competition today. No one came to see me perform. That's okay with me since it was on the other side of town, but it would have been nice to see a friendly face. I got a lot of bull shit today, they didn't exactly take a liking to me. You could just tell I'm different with my used leotards and old duffle bag. The judges weren't looking at my performances, they weren't looking at me either. They were looking at where I live, where I come from. They were looking passed the person with the skills and saw a greaser. A greaser girl from East Tulsa.

This day has been exhausting, all I'm thinking about is shit. Absolute, complete and utter shit. All bad feelings of my parents death are coming back because they weren't there to support me. I visited them on my way home but didn't talk to them. We just laid there together, I cried a little bit but not enough to really be upsetting. Now I'm walking home with a negative attitude and my giant gymnastics bag. I suppose I should of called for a ride at the school when we got back from the bus ride, but I needed to clear my head.

It's Friday night so the entire gang is going to be at the house, something I'm not looking forward to. Dally will be there, and right now I don't even want to see him. We haven't classified what we are to each other but five days of laying together don't lie. The guys still don't know about us but who cares, at least I know. I noticed that since I've started to hang around Dallas more, I've lost the need to count. It's sort of a weird concept but I'm glad I've stopped.

I'm going through the gate, already hearing the sounds of loud teenage boys. Going through the doors, I kicked them closed behind me. A halo of negative energy strapped to my back as I passed them all to my room. In my room I threw my bag against the wall and changed into my Dad's old t-shirt and some shorts. It was dark outside but I didn't bother turning the light on. Tearing out my bun, I threw the hair tie across the room. My long, wavy hair went loose around my face. Without hesitation I slumped into my bed on my side. Curling up against the wall I felt frustrating tears fled my eyes.

Today really did stink, not to mention I got into a fight after the competition. Of course I won but the girl gave me a nice busted lip and bruised cheek. I hate the way things are, soc vs. greaser. It's just not right, just because we don't have money we are dirt. Just because we don't kiss ass, we are delinquents to society. And even though I'm one of the top performers on the team, they can't see past my background. I'm pretty sure we would of gotten third, even second if it wasn't for me and Bethany. The both of us are greasers, well so they say. We are just like everyone else and I'm sick of being called a outsider because of it.

There was a knock on my door, Dallas let himself in. I knew it was him because he didn't turn the light on and he locked the door. He came up behind me and curled up next to me. Dally draped his arm over my small torso and held my hand. His voice broke the silence after a while.

"Are you crying?" without a word I nodded.

"What's the matter babe?"

"I don't want to talk about it, I just want this day to be over."

"So I take it the competition didn't go well." he commented instead of asked. I just nodded again.

"Look at me baby." I turned my body so that we were facing each other. I could barely see him in the dark. But know he frowned. He brushed away my tears and leaned into my face. We kissed for about ten seconds before I heard Darry call me. In a fast motion I pulled away, and got out of the room.

Getting the tears off my cheeks, I walked into a very silent living room. All of the guys were standing looking awkward and out of place. I looked at Two-bit who gave me a warning glance, but I have no idea why. Entering the room father, I saw a women standing in the doorway. She was holding a purple dress and a smug look of triumph on her face as she scanned me over. It was Rose, the social worker. How I wanted to disappear and die right now. Not only was I crying but I have bruises on my face. Dally came up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder.

I stared in shock, why was she here? She didn't call. I'm not dress, I'm not ready for this. She stepped forward towards me and took Dally's hand off me. He soon back farther away from me with a growl at Rose. She got in my face. "Lets talk in the kitchen shall we." she grabbed me at the elbow and pulled me passed the gang.

Looking back at them I pleaded, but they were just as shocked as I was. I looked her in the eyes. "What happened to your face?" she was smirking.

Can social workers all be so evil. She wants to take me away. She wants to get back at me. With everything going on right now, I think she possibly might. Rose might not believe me that all my bruises are from gymnastics. With her evil ways she could pass it off as someone beating me. But its not like I can tell her I got into a fight either.

"Today in competition I hit the uneven bars in warm ups."

"Is that so?" I nodded but she looked at me crazily. "Well I saw you perform on the uneven bars and you did magnificent."

Holy shit! "It seems to me Lucy that you have not improved with your behavior. I know about that fight, I know about a lot of things. Have you even stopped harming yourself?" she pulled at my shorts.

I scooted away from her. Could everyone hear what she was saying? "Lucy, over the last few months I have observed your family from a far. Out of all your family members, you are the only one that has not improved."

"Yes I have, you just haven't be looking close enough." she held her hand up.

"I'm sorry but I have talked to the judge this evening. He has agreed to send you to a reformatory school for girls."

"Reformatory school? I haven't done anything wrong!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. Darry finally came in the room. Tears were fully falling down my face.

"The school is not for offenders of the state, but to educate young women. To mold them into the human beings they will be for the rest of their lives." she told me.

"What's going on?"

"Darry she's sending me away!" I screamed.

"What? You can't do that." he was just as angry and offended as I was.

"It will help her develop discipline, manures and all proper skills of a young women. Things she can not get her living with three young men. Not to mention all of the other males that seem to be around often." she looked into the other room with disgust.

I through my hands through my hair, clenching it. This is horrible. I wont go, I can't leave. They need me. All of them do. We need each other. I'm fine, I'm not going with her. "I wont go."

"If you do not cooperate, you will be taken by force." I peaked in the other room and a police officer was coming through the door. Everyone looked grim in the next room, my brother's crying. Darry came closer to me as though to protect me. But I was about ready to make a break for my room, so I took his hand off my shoulder.

"Lucy this is a huge opportunity for you. You can be with girls your own age, things will be fine." she looked reassuring but under that mask she was an evil she devil.

"I WONT GO!" I screamed pushing her out of the doorway. I dashed for my room and locked it. Outside of my door I heard running and yelling. Yelling from Dallas and Steve, and an unknown male voice. They must have attacked the police officer, Rose was banging on my door.

"You can't hide in there forever Lucy." she's right I can't. But I can run. Pushing the heavy dresser in front of the door I emptied my duffle back quickly. Tears falling down my face I stuff underwear, shirts, and jeans in the bag. Lifting up the floor board I grabbed my notebooks, switchblade and money. Stuffing those into the bag, I tied my mother's necklace onto my neck. Putting my shoes on I heard the dresser start to move. In panic I opened my window, I stuck my head out to see if the coast was clear. Throwing my small bag of items out the window I quickly followed.

Slinging my bag over my shoulder, I ran. I jumped the fences of the neighbors yards. I'm not sure what time it was but I was for sure that I had been running for quite sometime. Than I ducked into an old broken down house on the far south side of town, I was no longer in Tulsa. I curled up after changing into some jeans. As I laid there I cried and cursed the heavens and hell for doing this to me. It was my own decision to run away but it was a hard one. I'd rather roam the streets for the rest of my days than be taken away from my brothers. Of course now that I am gone, there is no going back. Not now anyway.

I'm stupid. I'm foolish. I'm rash, but at least I'm not a victim. Well in ways I am but at least I try to fight against being a victim. Rose was taking me away from the only people I love, the only people I'm comfortable with. If I can't be with them, than I wont be with anyone. As soon as morning comes, I'll head to the bus station. I've gotta skip town or they will find me.

"I guess things never really change." I thought out loud to myself. I've always ran away from things I can't handle, this is no different. After a while I cried myself to sleep, hoping that I made the right decision. Is this going to corrupt my world, do I have something to live for?

_**(Darry's POV)**_

"I WONT GO!" she screamed, shoving Mrs. Peters out of her way. How could this be happening? What caused this to happen? What did Lucy do? What did I do wrong? I keep food on the table. I protect this family. We get by nicely enough. Oh God, help us. Please help me. I'm lost, they are taking her away what should I do.

I felt angry tears form in the back of my throat but I held them back. Just as I heard her door swing shut, I saw the police officer dash for her room. Instantly Dallas and Steve leapt out of there spots and pounced on him. Steve and Dallas were cursing, trying to keep him from Lucy's door. I looked at Sodapop and Two-bit who looked as though they weren't going to get them off of the officer. I wasn't either. Ponyboy and Johnny seemed in there own little world. Pony crying his eyes out with Soda. Johnny was staring off into space, like this happens everyday. I could hear Rose talking to Lucy through her door.

"You can't hide in there forever Lucy." she will try. I know Lucy, she isn't going down without a fight. I just hope she doesn't do anything rash, this is just insane. What am I supposed to do? Sue? I have no money. I heard that she talked to the judge this afternoon, why is she doing this? Lucy hasn't done anything wrong. She has improved, she has. Baby girl has a job, good grades, she's on the gymnastics team. Her life is going well it seems like. The cop got free by threatening the guys with a gun. At first Dally didn't back off until the heater was in his face. The cop started to bang up against the door with his shoulder. I moved to see in her room.

After a few minutes of pounding through the door, it swung open. Her room was disheveled and unkempt. Clothes were everywhere, a floor board was missing form under her bed. She was gone. Baby girl was gone, she had run away just like she said she would have. I just can't believe she actually left. Her window was wide open and there wasn't a sign that she was going back. Her dresser lay on the floor. Dizzily I moved into the living room with my weeping brothers. The whole house seemed to sit still. As I slumped into the armchair I put my head in my hands."Darrel, if she comes back or contacts you in anyway we need to know immediately. She is a criminal of the state running away like that. If she comes back quietly I will drop all charges if she doesn't fight to come with me. The police with serving for her, if they find her she will go to a juvenile detention center." Rose was telling me with a hand on my shoulder.

"She wouldn't of ran away if you didn't threaten to take her way. She's just a kid, she needs her family."

"You call this a family." I stood up angrily.

"Like you would know." I growled. "I'm going to have to ask you to leave my home."

Rose Peter scoffed at me while she flung my mother's dress from her hands. The police officer began to arrest Dallas and Steve but than just walked out. "I really could care less." he mumbled leaving behind Rose.

Is that what our legal system is now a days? 'I really could care less.' Fucking pigs. As soon as he was gone I sat in my chair again and put my head in my hands. What am I to do? What are we to do? Just keep on living until we hear from her? I know one thing, if she contacts us I'm not telling anyone. If Lucy wants to be found, she'll be found. If she want's to stay hidden than she will. It is common principles of the Lucy way, as she would put it.

"Darry what are we going to do?" Pony asked more calmed down. It was Sodapop that was having the emotional breakdown now, when I looked up he was shuffling to Lucy's room.

"I don't know." I admitted following him in the room. Pony followed, leaving the gang to linger in the living room. They were silently upset, just as baffled as us. Dallas was swearing up a storm while pacing. Steve was sitting on the couch and kept making different faces. Sad to angry, sorrow to frustration. Johnny was still staring off into space. Two-bit was sitting on the floor sipping on a beer with tears in his eyes.

The three of us arrived into Lucy's room. Sodapop fell to the ground crying. "I feel so empty and cold." he shivered.

"It's how she feels, I know it is. She is alone Darry, all alone." he told me choking on himself.

"We will just have to wait for her little buddy. As much as I don't the idea of her being alone out there, I know I have to let her be her. I just hope she knows what she's doing." I said while the three of us embraced on the floor

"But Darry what is she thinking? She told me once that she lives to protect and be with us. " Ponyboy said. "What is she living for if she is alone out there? How can she survive on her own?"

"She just has to Pone, she'll be back. She always comes back." I told my little brother's trying to convince them and myself that she will be fine. But even I know that is a long shot. I know that the next time I see her, things will be different. And she might not find something to live for out there, but I hope she finds her way home. Even if she is on the run, I hope she contacts us. I know if she doesn't I wont be able to sleep well until she does. Dear God, take care of my baby girl. Keep her safe where ever she goes, make sure she is strong. Bring her back to us Lord, please. Help her find something to live for.

* * *

Planning on writing a sequel, let me know what you think.


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